Struggling with the Differences

Akimajuktuq

Firstly, I am blessed. I have a long list of really great friends. Some eat similar to how I do, others do not.

I totally get that what we eat is our own choice. I often refrain from posting information out of consideration for others who don't agree with me. I think how they eat is very unhealthy, and they likely think how I eat is unhealthy. So I agree to disagree.

However, as i continue on my health journey, and as I do more research, my choice is becoming even more based on spiritual, political, environmental, and ethical issues. I'm angry about how we have been led astray not just with what is "healthy food" but what a healthy life is for humans in general. I'm wanting to be less and less a part of what I consider "insanity".

So, with my increasing awareness and paleo/primal health journey, I am struggling more and more with having friends that have the complete opposite beliefs and values. I'm NOT saying that mine are better, just that I need support for the journey that I have undertaken, instead of always being afraid to share my experience and passion for this way of life. How do I maintain my integrity and honesty when I hold my tongue about my experiences especially when I see people needlessly struggling with poor health, hunger, chronic cardio, etc?

I'm not trying to be an ungrateful jerk here, I really need some advice on how to move forward. I have to face a lot of things on my own, in a challenging place, and thus find it useful to limit unnecessary adversity and have at least one or two places that I can speak openly and honestly.

Thanks in advance for any helpful advice.

praxisproject

"A man convinced against his will is of his own opinion still"

I like Mark Sisson's approach, keep your mouth shut and walk the walk. People will always be interested in success, if it's demonstrated. Those that aren't, wouldn't listen anyway. Too much drama/conflict is a turn off for many people and can prejudice people away from healthy food.

Everyone is different, I don't believe there's a one-approach-suits-all for health.

RekindledRose

There are so many ways to share what you have learned, but sometimes people will take it as being 'preachy'. The one way I have found to share things is to simply tell them about the changes I've noticed. An example could be come thing as simple as IBS in women.

For example, if a friend had IBS and acid reflux, and I used to have it too I could say:
"I used to have IBS symptoms and painful acid reflux until I took grains, sugars, and processed foods out of my diet. I don't suffer from it anymore. Even though we're all different, do you think that might help you if you tried it for thirty days?"

The friend probably won't go home and try it, but at least they have that nugget of information now.

Most people don't want to learn any facts that may force them to examine their lifestyle and change. People don't like to change. They don't want to hear about unhealthy kinds of meat production, or how bad their Fat Pills are for them because they like their comfort zone. (Fat Pills to me are any highly processed convenience foods, like pop tarts)

You'll get the best results when people notice how healthy you are becoming and they ask you what you've done to be so healthy. Good luck!

Akimajuktuq

Thanks for the comments.

Well, I'm not being "preachy" but I have been known to get carried away when non paleo/primal people jump into our topics. I get very irate when I am ridiculed, disrespected, etc by people who don't have any experience with the lifestyle. If someone asks specifically for a paleo/primal viewpoint I feel that I should be able to openly share my experience.

However, the big issue that I'm having right now is I want to be able to share and express myself freely in My Home/Profile comments. I'm always watching what I say so I don't offend people (I probably do offend at times anyway), but then I have to tolerate comments that I find unhealthy/offensive. lol I'm feeling that it's being too much of a "food snob" to unfriend great people who I think eat unhealthy but I also feel that i can't be open and honest. Catch 22.

Edit: I don't intend to force my view on others, it's that I have to walk on eggshells, so it seems. I've made my profile much more specific now so that might help

GnaBean

I sympathize with you. I'm sorry you're being disrespected, especially since it sounds like you're taking great measures to not disrespect others' views on healthy eating. The responses you've received here are very thought provoking and insightful. I'm glad you shared this.

Akimajuktuq

I sympathize with you. I'm sorry you're being disrespected, especially since it sounds like you're taking great measures to not disrespect others' views on healthy eating. The responses you've received here are very thought provoking and insightful. I'm glad you shared this.

My friends don't disrespect me (just in the forums when paleo/primal input is requested), but occasionally I have trouble letting some of the comments go by, especially when it's promoting the low fat diet that made me so sick in the first place. Yet, i am often holding back what I say.

Likely there is no right answer. Either accept the differences or don't. Maybe I should just feel free to say what I want and then others are free to decide if they want to stay friends or not.

CRody44

Akimajuktuq,

I‘m a lot older than you and, perhaps, have a different perspective. I have only so many years left on this earth, which I am trying to extend by living healthy. I have learned to worry about me, and what I can change about me to live a better life, not about all of my friends and acquaintances. I cannot save them Being a recovering alcoholic (over 27 years), former smoker and tobacco chewer, I know that you can only change when you want to, not when others want you to, no matter how much the preach (preach in a good way, they were all right, I just didn’t see it at the time)

I’m retired and haven’t seen a lot of my former work friends in over a decade, and when I run into some of them, they can see that I have lost close to 100 pounds. When they ask, I just tell them I’m on something like Atkins, which they seem to accept. If they are really interested (which few are), I offer to loan them some books that I have:

Loren Cordain “The Paleo Diet”
Robb Wolf “The Paleo Solution”
Mark Sisson “The Primal Blueprint”
Mark Sisson “The Primal Blueprint 21 day Total Body Transformation”
Gary Taubes “Good Calories, Bad Calories”
Gary Taubes “Why We Get Fat”

And some websites

http://www.archevore.com/
http://eatingacademy.com/
http://everydaypaleo.com/
http://www.marksdailyapple.com/
http://robbwolf.com/
http://thepaleodiet.com/
http://paleodietlifestyle.com/
http://nomnompaleo.com/

Then they can make their own informed decision.

I don’t read any of the open message boards because most of the people asking stupid questions are too dam lazy to do any research, and most of the idiotic answers are based on nothing but what they have heard and have no basis in science. The ones I read regularly, this one, Low Carber, Type 2 Diabetes and 50+ all have members that believe close to what I believe, and give and take advise based on what they have experienced, and what has r has not worked for them.

Life is too short so sweat the petty krap, so I don’t.

Good luck on your journey!

AmIhealthyyet

Great responses! I don't really talk or post on the regular boards for the reasons you mentioned! Sort of the same as religious and political views, I just don't want to justify why I feel a certain way is right for ME. You and i have had many have talks and i find you to be a very positive and inspiring person!

Fairysoul

I know all about that, I catch a lot of hell from my mother in law who is a nurse and firmly belives that grains are a main staple. I have chosen to not talk about it at all with anyone other than my husband and when people ask why I am not having a bun with my burger, my response is that I like it this way and I can taste the meat better... And when people start asking me what I did to look good or whatever then I will tell them.

MrsAbles

Akima, first of all, I'm sending you a friend request. I read your posts all the time but I didn't realize who was writing because you changed your profile pic. My advice:

Unless you secretly enjoy the drama, STAY OUT OF THE MAIN FORUMS. (I'm not yelling, I'm highlighting.)You can always speak your paleo mind right here.

I agree with everything everyone has said so far here, including you.

You are blessed with a big friendlist on mpf? Is that what you meant? Unless they're personal friends, you can delete anyone you don't agree with just as easily as they can delete you. No questions asked.

This is YOUR lifestyle change. It's YOUR LIFE. Don't try to change others, even out of love. It doesn't work and just stresses you out. (You already know this deep down.)

~Gail

Septlondon

Hi
I enjoy reading your posts. One of the things I have noticed about people on the general baords who 'rip into you' is that they have not had to cope with the really awful effects that some foods can have on people who are sensitive to them. It seems to me that they can have no idea how terrible you feel, and what a huge relief it is to find something that really helps. I am just so thankful to have found this way of eating. So much of what you have to say reflects my experience and you express yourself well. I have not posted often on the general boards, and when I have my opinion is usually belittled, but hay, we know the difference it makes to us, and who knows, your post just might strike a cord with somebody, and start them thinking, it has the potential to change somebody's life....go you!

Akimajuktuq

Thanks everybody, great advice.

I'm not having an issue with trying to change people (though I do love to share my experiences), I'm having an issue with whether to keep MFP friends who have opposite views and sometimes promote unhealthy lifestyles (in my opinion, of course). I have so little support in my real life that I tend to lean towards wanting MFP friends that share my view on food and health, and their interconnection.

Good advice about the forums. I sometimes get bored, and then get tempted to share my views. I still maintain that people with experience should be open to comment while people who have no experience with something should shut up. But it's the internet and all forms of social conduct are apparently null and void. lol

primalkiwi

This is why I love MFP and this board in particular.
It's heartbreaking to see someone ask a question about paleo /primal on the main boards because they are genuinely interested and see them shot down and torn to strips (as well as those who give them good advice on this way of living).
I've decided to take a wider approach with primal this year and apply it to other aspects of my life, not just my eating. Part of that is choosing who I want around me that will support me.

To achieve that I've removed a lot of 'friends' on MFP who don't have similar values and goals. I got too frustrated with reading food diaries filled with processed crap but under calorie goals. I kept my mouth shut most of the time but just decided it doesn't add anything positive to my life so got rid of them. I've also outlined on my profile how I eat and that I would prefer to only add those that do the same. Working so far!

In my real world I'm making similar changes. I'm moving to my own little place right by the beach because where I'm living and the people I live with (been living with my folks since I sold my house) no longer support or respect my values and how I choose to live. I can't bear to hear the complaints of severe arthritis,heart medications etc etc while watching them feed their faces with bread, alcohol, processed rubbish etc.

I've given up explaining to people why I live this way (unless I know someone is genuinely looking to make a change). If anyone asks I just say I eat meat, veges and some fruit and that grains etc don't make me feel too good. Occasionally I try to explain it as the difference between surviving (on SAD) and thriving but it usually doesn't go down to well!
Sometimes it's just best to focus on our own health and wellness and realise those frustrations with others are taking away from our enjoyment of our own lives so just choose the positive stuff and let the rest slide.
All the best for a very happy and healthy New Year!

primalkiwi

P.S - thanks for being my friend on here! I enjoy your posts and input on this board and find your food diary inspiring :-)

twinmom01

I've learned to ignore most people...when someone on the public forums asks about primal/paleo I try and educate them while warning them they are opening a can of worms...and I usually try to direct them to this forum for better insight.

as for IRL friends - it is hard - I sometimes want to bang my head - I have a very close friend who has had all sorts of health issues and her Dr. mentioned maybe cutting out gluten and seeing if that had any effect on her issues (Crones, IBS and Celiac have all been ruled out) so she has...BUT rather that change the way she eats she basically eats the same and chooses the "gluten free" version of things. She was at my house on New Years Eve (my birthday to boot) and I had ordered Pizza (we had a bunch of kids and friends over and heck it was my birthday so I made sure there was a junk pizza in the mix so I could have a slice - I made up a bunch of chicken wings as an appetizer and ate a lot of those in addition to my one slice of pizza...)

Anyway she didn't have a piece but then was telling me about all these different places she has been trying out all the different gluten free pizza. I asked her if she had tried making her own with cauliflower and she gave me a look and said she has never had cauliflower and she never wants to. So she still eats a lot of food that in effect isn't all that great for you (processed junk) and then loads up on things cause they are "gluten free"

ethelapple

I feel you -- my dad lives with us and is ALWAYS getting cranky with me about eating too many eggs/egg whites (from my own chickens), too much meat (from local organic sources), eating "so much butter" (instead of margeraine -- blech) and not enough "fiber" (from bread). I just smile, nod, and go on with what I'm doing. I don't have high cholesterol, constipation, blood pressure, heart disease or kidney problems. He does. End of story.
I think it's a matter of knowing, really knowing, in your heart that this feels good and right for you, and when people get nasty in comments, you can just bow out gracefully and agree to disagree.

SweetxCatastrophe

I feel the same, and I try avoid any possible head betting by not really talking about paleo/primal with anyone but this board and the friends on it. My sister and brother and their respective SO's know I'm eating this way (in fact, my brother in law just became a cop and has started eating primal to become fitter), and one of my best friends just jumped on board with it too because she sees how great I feel. my other best friend on the other hand told me all the fat I'm eating is going to ruin my heart :huh: So yeah, sometimes it's better to just sit back and not say anything and if someone wants to know what you're doing and comes to you specifically, then explain. It really does hurt me though because I see friends complete their diaries and they're under calorie goals, but it's processed crap with carbs and sodium through the roof, nary a vegetable in sight. They're losing weight, but I know it won't last and will probably cause problems in the end (like my best friend who loves low-fat foods, says I'm going to die from all the fat I eat, who just discovered a lump near her lymphnodes that could be cancerous but doesn't think her low-fat high grain diet could be partially to blame, or that changing her diett couldd help). It's a double edged sword. We're all here for support, but you don't have to support anyone you don't think is making correct choices. Who cares if it's YOUR opinion of correct, it's YOUR friendslist and you should only be friends with those you can support