Ex'es
afv417
Posts: 466 Member
So as most of you know I started dating someone I met online in October. We have something great going on and I am extremely happy. However, there are days (like today) that he will say something that automatically triggers me to worry about something. "Is he going to cancel?" "Is he trying to come up with an excuse?" "Is he telling me the truth about enjoying my company, etc...?"
I didn't date anyone seriously after I broke up with my ex February of 2010. It was too much emotional chaos with him and it took me a while to get over it.
Now that I am in a relationship again, I guess my guard is up?
For the most part he doesn't text during the day because of his work (boat mechanic). Today he texted me (most likely on his lunch break) to ask me how my day was going. I automatically thought: "Oh no, he usually doesn't text. He's going to ask about my day and then non-chalantly cancel tonight for xyz reason." I responded with: "I am good baby. Counting down the hours till 6! lol How are you?" He responds: "Same here. lol I'm great. I can't wait to see you" I immediately felt relief.
My ex was cold, if we had plans sometimes he managed to get out of them, made up a lot of excuses.... to sum it all up we were together almost two years. I never met his kids (ages 12 and 14) during this time (although we signed for christmas gifts from both of us) and there were never any "I love you's" (I was afraid to say it bc didn't think he felt it). I always felt like I was walking on egg shells.
I decided I am doing things differently now. I am more open and honest and not afraid to say how I feel. It was worked wonders. But why do I still worry so much?
I didn't date anyone seriously after I broke up with my ex February of 2010. It was too much emotional chaos with him and it took me a while to get over it.
Now that I am in a relationship again, I guess my guard is up?
For the most part he doesn't text during the day because of his work (boat mechanic). Today he texted me (most likely on his lunch break) to ask me how my day was going. I automatically thought: "Oh no, he usually doesn't text. He's going to ask about my day and then non-chalantly cancel tonight for xyz reason." I responded with: "I am good baby. Counting down the hours till 6! lol How are you?" He responds: "Same here. lol I'm great. I can't wait to see you" I immediately felt relief.
My ex was cold, if we had plans sometimes he managed to get out of them, made up a lot of excuses.... to sum it all up we were together almost two years. I never met his kids (ages 12 and 14) during this time (although we signed for christmas gifts from both of us) and there were never any "I love you's" (I was afraid to say it bc didn't think he felt it). I always felt like I was walking on egg shells.
I decided I am doing things differently now. I am more open and honest and not afraid to say how I feel. It was worked wonders. But why do I still worry so much?
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Replies
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Does new guy cancel all the time or do you think he is going to cancel? If he does bail, are his excuses valid? How is the time you spend together?0
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It sounds like you are mentally making that effort to let your guard down. I wonder if you are worrying because you realize your guard is down, making yourself vulnerable.0
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It sounds like you are mentally making that effort to let your guard down. I wonder if you are worrying because you realize your guard is down, making yourself vulnerable.
That is a very deep thought that could have some truth to it, depending on the man in question.0 -
New guy is perfect. No complaints. I just worry from time to time. I am assuming what happens is that when he does something similar to my ex it brings the memory back and my guard just shoots right up.0
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So as most of you know I started dating someone I met online in October. We have something great going on and I am extremely happy. However, there are days (like today) that he will say something that automatically triggers me to worry about something. "Is he going to cancel?" "Is he trying to come up with an excuse?" "Is he telling me the truth about enjoying my company, etc...?"
I didn't date anyone seriously after I broke up with my ex February of 2010. It was too much emotional chaos with him and it took me a while to get over it.
That's what I've grown to hate about dating...after so many crappy relationships I tend to over analyze stupid things now and think of the worst. Any stupid little thing ends up making me wonder "is she bored with me?"..."is she seeing someone else?"...sometimes I even sabotage it by finding things I might not like just in case we do end the relationship I don't feel as bad...and if she does the breaking up I'll end up wondering what I did so wrong.
Sometimes I think it would just be better to join ashleymadison.com and have NSA sex...but even then, i tend to easily fall for someone...so that could even backfire.0 -
I over analyze too and I've never been in a relationship...
Everyone does it and usually it's normal but if its really severe you should question why.0 -
It sounds like you are mentally making that effort to let your guard down. I wonder if you are worrying because you realize your guard is down, making yourself vulnerable.
It's funny that you say that. I read a quote from Bob Marley yesterday and part of the quote says something like: being vulnerable is the only way you can allow your heart to feel true pleasure, that's so real, it scares you. And I thought to myself: "That's what I'm doing. I am opening my heart and I know that I am vulnerable but I have to do it this way. There is no sense in walking on egg shells" But then I thought: "What if this isn't real?"
I don't know why it is so hard for me to believe that someone can actually like me as much as he does.0 -
Hon, you are over thinking. It happens to the best of us. Until this guy does something to warrant you questioning, let it go. You'll be much happier.0
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That's what I've grown to hate about dating...after so many crappy relationships I tend to over analyze stupid things now and think of the worst. Any stupid little thing ends up making me wonder "is she bored with me?"..."is she seeing someone else?"...sometimes I even sabotage it by finding things I might not like just in case we do end the relationship I don't feel as bad...and if she does the breaking up I'll end up wondering what I did so wrong.
Sometimes I think it would just be better to join ashleymadison.com and have NSA sex...but even then, i tend to easily fall for someone...so that could even backfire.
I completely understand.0 -
Hon, you are over thinking. It happens to the best of us. Until this guy does something to warrant you questioning, let it go. You'll be much happier.
I know and I am really trying hard... thanks!0 -
I am the poster girl for over analyzing and jumping to conclusions and reading into everything. I do not act on it...but I still have the feelings. It is good. It means you feel something and that you really care. Imagine if you were numb to that!
But..it can also point to vulnerability (good) and insecurity (not good).
I think everyone is so scared of being hurt and rejected, we try to premptively destroy relationships and put up blockers so as to protect ourselves.
I would say to try and look at it logically (which you are doing) and realize you may be overreacting. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with sharing info from your past and then saying something like.."and this is why I find it so important people follow through with what they say they will do and not break plans at the last minute. I will read this personally, unless you can really help me to understand that it isn't."0 -
New guy is perfect. No complaints. I just worry from time to time. I am assuming what happens is that when he does something similar to my ex it brings the memory back and my guard just shoots right up.
I do the same thing. In the past it caused problems. Now, I just breath and realize I'm being silly. He's given you no reason to worry, so don't let your imagination get the best of you. :flowerforyou:
I, of course, say this feeling like a hypocrite. I've had a week of feeling insecure as well. I think it goes with the territory. You have to learn their behaviors and just realize that what is normal for some is not normal for others.
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I am the poster girl for over analyzing and jumping to conclusions and reading into everything. I do not act on it...but I still have the feelings. It is good. It means you feel something and that you really care. Imagine if you were numb to that!
But..it can also point to vulnerability (good) and insecurity (not good).
I think everyone is so scared of being hurt and rejected, we try to premptively destroy relationships and put up blockers so as to protect ourselves.
I would say to try and look at it logically (which you are doing) and realize you may be overreacting. On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with sharing info from your past and then saying something like.."and this is why I find it so important people follow through with what they say they will do and not break plans at the last minute. I will read this personally, unless you can really help me to understand that it isn't."
Thanks Danielle... I considered mentioning something but I honestly didn't want to bring up my past relationships with him...
I'd like to hear a guys point of view on your gf talking to you about what triggers they have bc of past relationships?0 -
New guy is perfect. No complaints. I just worry from time to time. I am assuming what happens is that when he does something similar to my ex it brings the memory back and my guard just shoots right up.
I do the same thing. In the past it caused problems. Now, I just breath and realize I'm being silly. He's given you no reason to worry, so don't let your imagination get the best of you. :flowerforyou:
I, of course, say this feeling like a hypocrite. I've had a week of feeling insecure as well. I think it goes with the territory. You have to learn their behaviors and just realize that what is normal for some is not normal for others.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Hon, you are over thinking. It happens to the best of us. Until this guy does something to warrant you questioning, let it go. You'll be much happier.
EDIT: This ^^
Over analyzing will not help you,
HOWEVER
Ignoring red flags is also stupid. If he hasn't done anything that screams red flag, don't worry about it.0 -
I agree with Zach. First determine if it your insecurity or a red flag. I would only bring up what is very important or a potential dealbreaker. The other parts you have to sort of deal with on your own. He doesn't need to be held responsible for your past relationships.0
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By a certain point, everyone has exes.
There's a downside to that in the sense that there can be an expectation that patterns are repeated. So what you feel is something I perceive as normal and natural.
At the same time, if things are going good in the current relationship, why dredge up the past?0 -
why dredge up the past?
How do I not? Especially when my last relationship was so hard on me emotionaly. Honest to God I am trying not to let it get in the way, but there are triggers that just make me think about it and I start to worry. I don't do it because I want to.0 -
why dredge up the past?
How do I not? Especially when my last relationship was so hard on me emotionaly. Honest to God I am trying not to let it get in the way, but there are triggers that just make me think about it and I start to worry. I don't do it because I want to.
I tend to think of every relationship as a new beginning. He is not my ex so why should I question him and fault him for things that are my own fears. So every time I feel I am looking at my new beau in a way that I am suspecting something of my ex- I try to move past it. I am not perfect, I catch myself comparing at times, but I try to remind myself that it is not right and I don't want him to fault me of his ex, why should I fault him of mine?0 -
Oh boy, I never said I was faulting him nor I was questioning him about it. I said I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about my past relationships because of my "triggers" (someone else suggested I talk to him). All I was asking was how other people handle it. Just because it is easy for you to say, "the past is the past let's move on" it's not that easy for me.
Since this is going in a compeletely different direction....
/thread0 -
Oh boy, I never said I was faulting him nor I was questioning him about it. I said I didn't feel comfortable talking to him about my past relationships because of my "triggers" (someone else suggested I talk to him). All I was asking was how other people handle it. Just because it is easy for you to say, "the past is the past let's move on" it's not that easy for me.
Since this is going in a compeletely different direction....
/thread
I will tell ya, you put on your big girl pants, and wash your hair with jergens no tears.
Then you throw the past in the trash can and move on. The end 0 -
why dredge up the past?
How do I not? Especially when my last relationship was so hard on me emotionaly. Honest to God I am trying not to let it get in the way, but there are triggers that just make me think about it and I start to worry. I don't do it because I want to.
Trust me I know that feeling. But you have to treat him as an individual. Until he gives you a reason to worry. You just need to mentally kick those thoughts out of your head. The more you do it the easier it will become.0 -
why dredge up the past?
How do I not? Especially when my last relationship was so hard on me emotionaly. Honest to God I am trying not to let it get in the way, but there are triggers that just make me think about it and I start to worry. I don't do it because I want to.
Trust me I know that feeling. But you have to treat him as an individual. Until he gives you a reason to worry. You just need to mentally kick those thoughts out of your head. The more you do it the easier it will become.
Thank you. I appreciate this answer. And I'll repeat, I do treat him as the wonderful person he is. Would love to have a switch to turn off my brain; but he is great! And it IS getting easier as time goes on.0 -
I'm just here to see Danielle's avatar again.0
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I'm just here to see Danielle's avatar again.
LOL0 -
It's human nature to assume that the new person is going to do certain things the same as the ex. Just do your best to let it go. And yup, a conversation might help the situation.0
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He's given you no reason to doubt him. So, DON'T doubt him!!
When it enters your head give yourself positive affirmation that "this is X, he is NOT Y" and then slap yourself about the head!! :laugh:
Honestly afv, dont ruin a good thing through your own insecurities. EVEN if it doesnt work out in the end, there isnt any time spent worrying about it, that will prevent it! So, stop wasting your time in the negative and cherish the moment (which I know you are doing :bigsmile: )0 -
It's human nature to assume that the new person is going to do certain things the same as the ex. Just do your best to let it go. And yup, a conversation might help the situation.
The funny thing is I hope I meet someone exactly like my ex's that isn't on drugs and want's a relationship. Personality wise, the 2 ex's I'm thinking of are my ideal partners :bigsmile:
I dont know why we get so down on ex's, as we must have loved them at some point? So there must be something you liked about them? Think about those positive traits, rather than the bad one's :flowerforyou:0 -
I dont know why we get so down on ex's, as we must have loved them at some point? So there must be something you liked about them? Think about those positive traits, rather than the bad one's :flowerforyou:
Generally speaking I agree with you. I prefer to remember the good times with my ex whenever possible. But I do think some of the issues that drove a couple apart are what linger when you move on to the next person.0 -
I dont know why we get so down on ex's, as we must have loved them at some point? So there must be something you liked about them? Think about those positive traits, rather than the bad one's :flowerforyou:
I have to think about my ex's bad traits .. that was what got me over him..lol. If I think about the good things in him things get ugly quickly. Then I start to think about all of the things in ME that are bad to make him not want to be with me.0
