Do we end up like our parents?
MikeM53082
Posts: 1,199 Member
I was browsing the epic website The Rules Revisited when I came across a very interesting post titled "What Your Boyfriend Notices About Your Mother".
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/01/what-your-boyfriend-notices-about-your.html
When you begin dating a partner and you meet their parents, do you think the man or woman you're dating will end up looking like their mother or father? If so, does this effect the way you view your current partner?
I was in a situation where I dated a girl (early college) and the girl was pretty, but her mother wasn't at all attractive. Part of this was that she was a heavy smoker and drinker and lived a fairly sedative lifestyle. But, part of me also thought it was genetics. This effected the way I viewed the girl and our relationship didn't last much longer after that.
What's your take?
http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2013/01/what-your-boyfriend-notices-about-your.html
When you begin dating a partner and you meet their parents, do you think the man or woman you're dating will end up looking like their mother or father? If so, does this effect the way you view your current partner?
I was in a situation where I dated a girl (early college) and the girl was pretty, but her mother wasn't at all attractive. Part of this was that she was a heavy smoker and drinker and lived a fairly sedative lifestyle. But, part of me also thought it was genetics. This effected the way I viewed the girl and our relationship didn't last much longer after that.
What's your take?
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Just because some people say people end up looking like their parents doesn't mean it's always true. I take it with a grain of salt. There are plenty of things that can make people unattractive that aren't genetic.0
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I think women these days are less likely to smoke heavily, and bake in the sun for hours unprotected like our parents did. My mom looks "ok" for her age, but she had me at 18.....so she is younger than you might imagine a 40 year old mother to be.
My mom was not a drinker, but was (and much to my dismay) still is a smoker, however, I look NOTHING like her.......I totally favor my dad--so what does that mean ?0 -
Some people do and some don't. My mother and I have the same facial features, but because of lifestyle differences that's where the similarities stop. I would really hope that men don't judge me based on her appearances, but if they're that shallow good riddance.0
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I will look at a woman's mother as a guide to where things are going, which is the point of the article.
Item #3 is vital.
"Tell him how you'll be different."
If a woman's mother isn't up to par as compared to her peer group, the woman I'm seeing has the opportunity to show how that is unacceptable to her and how she plans to take things in a different direction.0 -
If a woman's mother isn't up to par as compared to her peer group, the woman I'm seeing has the opportunity to show how that is unacceptable to her and how she plans to take things in a different direction.
But, if the woman you're seeing is taking care of herself.... goes to the gym, runs, eats healthy, is conscious about her appearance.... why should she have to justify anything?
ETA - Based on previous posts, any woman you date would have to be doing the above, so why would it make a difference what her mother looks like?0 -
Basing your opinions of a potential relationship on anything other than that person is pretty shallow. S/he is only genetically half of either parent, not to mention their own unique individual.0
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Which makes me wonder, would you also dismiss a potential spouse because they have a family history of cancer or any other genetic illness, so knowing in advance that there is a chance you might have to take care of them at some point? If the answer is yes, then you most likely do not know what love means anyway.0
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If a potential mate bases my future appearance based on my mother... I'm in trouble.
She eats like crap, doesn't exercise, uses drugs, and drinks to excess. My polar opposite. Luckily I take after my father.
And I agree that if a guy is going to look at my mother and think I'm not good enough based on that, then he isn't someone I want to be with anyway.0 -
I don't know why I'm surprised. I thought this thread might be about how we, as people, might take over our parentage. Something fun. Instead it's just another thread about how we can be more shallow and prejudiced.
Anyway. If some guy dumped me because he didn't like my mom he can slap nuts. Make the effort to know the person you are dating, that'll give you a good indicator of who they are and who they might become.0 -
If a potential mate bases my future appearance based on my mother... I'm in trouble.
She eats like crap, doesn't exercise, uses drugs, and drinks to excess. My polar opposite. Luckily I take after my father.
And I agree that if a guy is going to look at my mother and think I'm not good enough based on that, then he isn't someone I want to be with anyway.
Your mom sounds like a lot of fun.0 -
As far as looks go, Mom is in her sixties, looks much younger, and weighs 125 pounds. She is also nicer than me. Maybe I should introduce prospective boyfriends to her before I meet them? But then she might steal them!0
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LOL can I please look like my mom when I get her age. My mom looks amazing however we look almost nothing alike. Nobodies gonna meet her anyways as my mom is bat **** crazy and I stay far far away from her..... However I have pics of her with the her children up on my wall at work and she looks much younger then she is. My mom just turned 500
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LOL can I please look like my mom when I get her age. My mom looks amazing however we look almost nothing alike. Nobodies gonna meet her anyways as my mom is bat **** crazy and I stay far far away from her..... However I have pics of her with the her children up on my wall at work and she looks much younger then she is. My mom just turned 50
My mom just turned 50 too! And she's bat **** crazy. They could be best friends.0 -
This is a silly little topic, isn't it.
My mom will be 70 this year and looks probably at least 10 years younger. She has never worn sunscreen in her life and smoked fairly heavily since she was 18. No health issues, other than a little thyroid thing a few years ago.
But..since I can no longer have a relationship with someone that negative and emotionally abusive, I won't likely be introducing her to anyone. I would be much more concerned about someone thinking I was like her in terms of personality than looks. My greatest fear has always been that I would turn into her....0 -
As if dating isn't crazy enough..let's now judge our parents while we're at it. Luckily, my mom is good looking and has the best personality. At the same time, if someone judged me off of what my mom looks like then pfffft..I'm not interested much in that. Mike what does your dad look like?0
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In all honesty, my dad is why I am on this site. He was always a big guy, and my mom would have guessed around 350 pounds when they met/married (I straight up asked her). Once I hit that 300 pound mark, I had such horrible fears of being like him (he is probably 500 pounds or so now).
I could see the way that girls I liked would look at him, and then look at me. My parents have met only a single girlfriend I have had, and that was by accident. I am so terrified that a girl I like, will look at my father and then just figure that will be me. So I hope to god I don't look like my parents, but I also won't let anyone meet my parents until we are quite serious for fear of this happening (of course as a side note, that has ended some relationships in itself).0 -
If a woman's mother isn't up to par as compared to her peer group, the woman I'm seeing has the opportunity to show how that is unacceptable to her and how she plans to take things in a different direction.
But, if the woman you're seeing is taking care of herself.... goes to the gym, runs, eats healthy, is conscious about her appearance.... why should she have to justify anything?
ETA - Based on previous posts, any woman you date would have to be doing the above, so why would it make a difference what her mother looks like?
This.
I don't think it has all much bearing unless the persons personality is like their parent.
My mom is obese but when she was my age she was a twig. I've never been as thin as she was in her teens and twenties. Not even close, but you think I would've been. My dad was also very thin. I've always been larger, so I take the whole mother-daughter thing with a grain of salt.
My mom didn't get any gray hair til she was 51 and I'm 22 and I've found a few gray hairs already.0 -
My father is tall, 6'1 has big ears, nose, mouth. In his early 60's, a very small gut, salt & pepper hair. He started getting grey's in his hair by his early 30's. Pretty much I am the same except the nose. My nose is a small, like my mother. He does have a bad ticker though. Has had open heart surgery to replace a valve in his mid 30's and few years back, had a pacemaker put in as well. At my heaviest, I was on a beta blocker for a little while but I improved, lost weight and no longer need it now.
My father doesn't smoke, rarely drinks. He doesn't look his age at all. I'd guess late 40's early 50's. As others said genetics plays a part but ultimately one's lifestyle is the deciding factor. I would not judge a potential girlfriend because of her mother and I would definitely not dump her if her mother was fat. I hope she would judge me the same. My extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc etc, everyone is obese. Doesn't mean I'll be that way as I get older.0 -
The article only says that men and women look at their partners parents to form an opinion on the partner:
"All men will at least consider the "feel" of your family, and this impression is strongly influenced by the health, warmth and appearance of your mother."
This is true for both men and women, even if most people will do it subconsciously (as the article states).
"Not all men do this consciously."
"Finally, I am well-aware that women size up a man's father for very similar reasons - and I think this is a smart thing to do."
Lastly, the article states that by accepting the content of the article "you are simply recognizing the way men think and navigating the situation so that it affects you as mildly as possible. If you navigate it well, no one will be hurt."
I agree with this article.
It can easily be proven that children of smokers, drinkers, and/or poor parents have a higher chance of ending up smokers, drinkers, and/or poor (habits and personality to an extent).
It is obvious that if you are going to look like anyone in the future, then it is probably going to be like your parents (physical traits).
I don't think the article is "wrong" with its content. What could be wrong in the eyes of some would be judging the person solely through their parents. Arguably, it can be a deal breaker for someone, as in: too many family problems isn't attractive - especially early on in a relationship.
Simply put: nobody wants to deal with the *kitten* of people they don't know. I've broken up with some girls for very similar reasons.
Given the reasons we hear for people "breaking up" (grammar errors, got a bad "vibe" during the date,... you name it!), I am under the impression that "the parents" is actually a reason that has a lot more ground than most of the reasons I've ever seen mentioned here.
I think the best advice is "Delay introducing him to [your parents]" if you are unsure of your parents.
Early on, you clearly don't have enough pulling power to keep the partner if they decide that your parents' behaviour is a deal breaker.
If you screwed up and couldn't wait (silly you!), then on to advice 3: "Tell him how you'll be different.".0 -
i am adopted and therefore share zero with my parents. i am a great example of nature (vs. nurture). my mom used to say that i could have been raise by wolves and still would have turned out as great as i have.
i have ZERO in common with either of my parents. it drives them up the wall. i will not end up like my parents, with the exception of being divorced. that is all. :-)0 -
Since was a very little girl I've always resembled my father, who's never been overweight and 6'4. He was completely gray at 40 and still has all of his hair and barely a wrinkle. My mom looks a bit older than her 59 years, but after 3 years of cancer treatment you can't fault her. She's 5'4, always has been a bit overweight, but she follows a healthy lifestyle where my dad smokes, drinks, and eats nothing buy meat and potatoes. I'm pretty sure any man who meets both of them will realize that I'm not going to look anything like my mom in my 50's unless I have the crappy luck with the cancer spinning wheel. I'd say cancer aged that poor woman 10-15 years.0
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After meeting my boyfriends dad, I thought that maybe he will look like him when he was older. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.
I particularly like meeting the parents early on to see how his relationship is with them. I think it says a lot about someone. There are a lot of instances, like a few mentioned above, that may make it difficult to have a healthy and strong relationship and I take all of that into account. I don't go seeking details if there is a reason for you not to be so close (it is not my business unless you choose to share) but what is important to me is that he treat his mom and dad with respect and love.0 -
After meeting my boyfriends dad, I thought that maybe he will look like him when he was older. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.
I particularly like meeting the parents early on to see how his relationship is with them. I think it says a lot about someone. There are a lot of instances, like a few mentioned above, that may make it difficult to have a healthy and strong relationship and I take all of that into account. I don't go seeking details if there is a reason for you not to be so close (it is not my business unless you choose to share) but what is important to me is that he treat his mom and dad with respect and love.
As for me, I resemble my dad a bit more but my personality is split between both of them. It's very very frustrating because it made me a major pain in the *kitten*. I admit it all the time, lol. Love my parents and they are each amazing individually; mix up the personalities and you get me!!0 -
Which makes me wonder, would you also dismiss a potential spouse because they have a family history of cancer or any other genetic illness, so knowing in advance that there is a chance you might have to take care of them at some point? If the answer is yes, then you most likely do not know what love means anyway.
It depends what the medical condition was. Schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder all have a genetic predisposition. I've known families where a grandparent. parent and child all had one of these conditions. It would be exhausting to deal with it and I would avoid it if I was aware of it. I have a friend who was shot by his wife during a schizophrenic episode. Her meds stopped being effective and she thought he was molesting their daughters and that he planned to kill the oldest one to stop her from going to the police.
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.0 -
Which makes me wonder, would you also dismiss a potential spouse because they have a family history of cancer or any other genetic illness, so knowing in advance that there is a chance you might have to take care of them at some point? If the answer is yes, then you most likely do not know what love means anyway.
It depends what the medical condition was. Schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder all have a genetic predisposition. I've known families where a grandparent. parent and child all had one of these conditions. It would be exhausting to deal with it and I would avoid it if I was aware of it. I have a friend who was shot by his wife during a schizophrenic episode. Her meds stopped being effective and she thought he was molesting their daughters and that he planned to kill the oldest one to stop her from going to the police.
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.
I agree 100%
According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol0 -
The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.0 -
The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.
Well said.
A lot of this comes with experience though. Someone with little experience will view things differently than some of us relationship veterans on here.0 -
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.
This sounds like something that a rational economist would say. :laugh:
I like it!
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If I was to meet someone and they told me that cancer and/or heart disease was in their family, I wouldn't run. If they told me that people in their family had had committed suicide, I'd RUN like the freakin' wind. I dated a guy in my past that his mom committed suicide and it affected him. I dated a guy that 3 weeks after I broke it off with him, committed suicide (so did his mother). I don't need that around me again. I came to find out that he WAS crazy enough to come after me with a knife (gun) after the fact and got out just in time...
My current boyfriend (10+ years ago) was in treatment for schizophrenia and depression, but we think it was a teenage onset thing because he now has no symptoms. I know my risk, I've read up on his diagnosis and I find no reason not to love him. I know he won't come after me with a knife and we've talked at nausea m about suicide and it not being the answer. I've also said that if any of the things that affected him in his teens and early 20's come back to let me know and we'll get him treatment. I'm not blind to this issues, but I feel that he could easily find out that my grandmother (maternal) died of Breast Cancer at 71 and my mother is a 5 year survivor and run the other way. I realize I'm a moving target, but I would hate to think that it would cause someone not to love me, for something that MIGHT happen. Taking care of someone with an ailment like cancer isn't fun, but it's part of aging anymore.0 -
I wouldn't dismiss someone for their family health history, but depending on the condition I might not want to have biological children with them. Like Huntingtons or a mental disorder for example.0
