Do we end up like our parents?
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Since was a very little girl I've always resembled my father, who's never been overweight and 6'4. He was completely gray at 40 and still has all of his hair and barely a wrinkle. My mom looks a bit older than her 59 years, but after 3 years of cancer treatment you can't fault her. She's 5'4, always has been a bit overweight, but she follows a healthy lifestyle where my dad smokes, drinks, and eats nothing buy meat and potatoes. I'm pretty sure any man who meets both of them will realize that I'm not going to look anything like my mom in my 50's unless I have the crappy luck with the cancer spinning wheel. I'd say cancer aged that poor woman 10-15 years.0
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After meeting my boyfriends dad, I thought that maybe he will look like him when he was older. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.
I particularly like meeting the parents early on to see how his relationship is with them. I think it says a lot about someone. There are a lot of instances, like a few mentioned above, that may make it difficult to have a healthy and strong relationship and I take all of that into account. I don't go seeking details if there is a reason for you not to be so close (it is not my business unless you choose to share) but what is important to me is that he treat his mom and dad with respect and love.0 -
After meeting my boyfriends dad, I thought that maybe he will look like him when he was older. It doesn't affect me one way or the other.
I particularly like meeting the parents early on to see how his relationship is with them. I think it says a lot about someone. There are a lot of instances, like a few mentioned above, that may make it difficult to have a healthy and strong relationship and I take all of that into account. I don't go seeking details if there is a reason for you not to be so close (it is not my business unless you choose to share) but what is important to me is that he treat his mom and dad with respect and love.
As for me, I resemble my dad a bit more but my personality is split between both of them. It's very very frustrating because it made me a major pain in the *kitten*. I admit it all the time, lol. Love my parents and they are each amazing individually; mix up the personalities and you get me!!0 -
Which makes me wonder, would you also dismiss a potential spouse because they have a family history of cancer or any other genetic illness, so knowing in advance that there is a chance you might have to take care of them at some point? If the answer is yes, then you most likely do not know what love means anyway.
It depends what the medical condition was. Schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder all have a genetic predisposition. I've known families where a grandparent. parent and child all had one of these conditions. It would be exhausting to deal with it and I would avoid it if I was aware of it. I have a friend who was shot by his wife during a schizophrenic episode. Her meds stopped being effective and she thought he was molesting their daughters and that he planned to kill the oldest one to stop her from going to the police.
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.0 -
Which makes me wonder, would you also dismiss a potential spouse because they have a family history of cancer or any other genetic illness, so knowing in advance that there is a chance you might have to take care of them at some point? If the answer is yes, then you most likely do not know what love means anyway.
It depends what the medical condition was. Schizophrenia, depression, and bipolar disorder all have a genetic predisposition. I've known families where a grandparent. parent and child all had one of these conditions. It would be exhausting to deal with it and I would avoid it if I was aware of it. I have a friend who was shot by his wife during a schizophrenic episode. Her meds stopped being effective and she thought he was molesting their daughters and that he planned to kill the oldest one to stop her from going to the police.
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.
I agree 100%
According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol0 -
The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.0 -
The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.
Well said.
A lot of this comes with experience though. Someone with little experience will view things differently than some of us relationship veterans on here.0 -
I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.
This sounds like something that a rational economist would say. :laugh:
I like it!
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If I was to meet someone and they told me that cancer and/or heart disease was in their family, I wouldn't run. If they told me that people in their family had had committed suicide, I'd RUN like the freakin' wind. I dated a guy in my past that his mom committed suicide and it affected him. I dated a guy that 3 weeks after I broke it off with him, committed suicide (so did his mother). I don't need that around me again. I came to find out that he WAS crazy enough to come after me with a knife (gun) after the fact and got out just in time...
My current boyfriend (10+ years ago) was in treatment for schizophrenia and depression, but we think it was a teenage onset thing because he now has no symptoms. I know my risk, I've read up on his diagnosis and I find no reason not to love him. I know he won't come after me with a knife and we've talked at nausea m about suicide and it not being the answer. I've also said that if any of the things that affected him in his teens and early 20's come back to let me know and we'll get him treatment. I'm not blind to this issues, but I feel that he could easily find out that my grandmother (maternal) died of Breast Cancer at 71 and my mother is a 5 year survivor and run the other way. I realize I'm a moving target, but I would hate to think that it would cause someone not to love me, for something that MIGHT happen. Taking care of someone with an ailment like cancer isn't fun, but it's part of aging anymore.0 -
I wouldn't dismiss someone for their family health history, but depending on the condition I might not want to have biological children with them. Like Huntingtons or a mental disorder for example.0
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I'd much rather be a shallow single person than a potentially dead, loving husband.
This sounds like something that a rational economist would say. :laugh:
I like it!
Completely rational, yeah definitely. This sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME, I find it strange that people even bother with trying to find a mate because we just keep having schizophrenic episodes and slaughtering each other.
Oh man, and kids? I don't know if you know this but school shootings happen too. We should panic and assume the worst. Keep your kids home or they will DIE FOR SURE.
Quick, everyone panic! Always expect the worst! Hide in a bunker forever! PANIC PANIC PANIC.
The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.According to someone on here, people like you and I must not know what love is. lol
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.
Well said.
A lot of this comes with experience though. Someone with little experience will view things differently than some of us relationship veterans on here.
Don't act like this was EVER about medical conditions when you first posted this thread, Mr. Experienced-and-wise-veteran.
"When you begin dating a partner and you meet their parents, do you think the man or woman you're dating will end up looking like their mother or father? If so, does this effect the way you view your current partner? "
You then went on to give an example about how you thought the girls mothers was unattractive and then not soon after you ended the relationship because of course. I'm sure that had EVERYTHING to do with her potential for bipolar disorder/depression/anxiety - which, for the record, BILLIONS of people survive with and function just fine.
It's all well and good to change your tune now guys, about how you're so deep and so much more realistic than us who "idealize" relationships and love. **** gets ugly, and I'm willing to bet everyone here understands that. Just because we say judging a person by the way her mother looks is F*cking shallow doesn't mean we don't "get it".
So while you guys all pat each other on the back thinking that you've figured it all out, the rest of us watch in bewildered shock as you backpedal, change your tune and seem to legitimately believe that you're somehow better.0 -
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A word to the wise...Knock it off,I am tired of this dosey doe.
If folks can`t disagree without long drawn out winner take all battles or one ups then find a private way to do it.
Is that clear?0 -
Hey guys,
Really original since most of you ignored the question for an entire day and then jumped on the bandwagon after one person referenced what appears to be an EXTREME example! I'm also very impressed with how you all disregarded every other type of hereditary physical illness just to focus on mental issues. How very brave to stick your necks out there and answer the question!
I'm assuming both of these snide remarks were aimed at me, and clearly neither of you have facts about my past to sling them accurately... I was in a 14 year relationship with a SO who had depression issues, so don't tell me that I don't know how dirty human love can be or that I don't have enough relationship experience....
Well said.The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.
A lot of this comes with experience though. Someone with little experience will view things differently than some of us relationship veterans on here.
Edit: Please go back to the shallow banter. I'll have adult discussions elsewhere.0 -
Hey guys,
Really original since most of you ignored the question for an entire day and then jumped on the bandwagon after one person referenced what appears to be an EXTREME example! I'm also very impressed with how you all disregarded every other type of hereditary physical illness just to focus on mental issues. How very brave to stick your necks out there and answer the question!
I'm assuming both of these snide remarks were aimed at me, and clearly neither of you have facts about my past to sling them accurately... I was in a 14 year relationship with a SO who had depression issues, so don't tell me that I don't know how dirty human love can be or that I don't have enough relationship experience....
Well said.The problem I see is that many people on this forum tend to cling to an idealised, romanticised, unforgiving and complete version of love.
A little bit of hope never hurts but Human love can be as dirty, disgusting and pathetic, as it can be beautiful and grand... simply because it is human in the first place.
A lot of this comes with experience though. Someone with little experience will view things differently than some of us relationship veterans on here.
Edit: Please go back to the shallow banter. I'll have adult discussions elsewhere.
My point was that there are circumstances where I would walk away from a relationship because of hereditary conditions. I don't see how this means I don't know how to love. There are plenty of people who walk away from spouses because of alcoholism or a drug addiction that becomes too much to handle. Does that mean they don't love the spouse or does it mean that at some point you have to take care of yourself first?
There are a few reasons I'd walk away. First, personal risk to myself. The woman I mentioned may be an extreme case but the point is that medication doesn't always work. I knew the woman since I was 9. We lived 3 blocks away, went to the same elementary school. i played sports with her brother and her dad coached a little league team. There are also circumstances where medication for some mental illness/ disorders can't be taken. I have a family member whose wife suffers from extreme anxiety. She couldn't take the meds while she was pregnant and still isn't taking them while she is nursing. From all accounts, his life is a living hell and she is bat**** crazy and has been for the past 18 months. Second, it can be passed on to your children (at my current age this isn't really a concern because I don't plan to have children.) If she has kids already, there is a chance that you will be dealing with the issues from mental illness for the rest of your life. If we stay together, I certainly am not going to abandon her kids once they reach 18 just because I didn't contribute genetic material. Even if I don't stay together with the lady, I can't see abandoning one of hers kids once I established a bond with him/her.
Overall, if i am in, I wouldn't leave because of the what ifs. If I am just getting to know someone and it looks like it will develop beyond someone to go out have fun with, then I would seriously consider long term health implications. Whether they be hereditary or from lifestyle. I don't view it any differently than I view looking at how they spend money or treat a server. It's part of the fundamental question: Will my life be better off with this person playing a significant role?0 -
It's all well and good to change your tune now guys, about how you're so deep and so much more realistic than us who "idealize" relationships and love. **** gets ugly, and I'm willing to bet everyone here understands that. Just because we say judging a person by the way her mother looks is F*cking shallow doesn't mean we don't "get it".
So while you guys all pat each other on the back thinking that you've figured it all out, the rest of us watch in bewildered shock as you backpedal, change your tune and seem to legitimately believe that you're somehow better.
I have at no point said anything other than:
- We judge our potential partners (whether you want it or not). We judge them on a variety of factors, visible actions, subconscious "vibes", physical aspects, their responses to our stimuli (physical, emotional), their interests, our past experiences, etc.
Nobody is even denying that. "Judging" or "evaluating" is at the basis of determining whether a partner is suitable for you or not. If you weren't "judging" or "evaluating", you wouldn't basically be choosing a partner.
- We all want to find the "optimal" long term relationship partner for us at a given time. It is easy to find and meet "sub-optimal" partners, but we all want the best.
I'm sure nobody is denying that either. We don't always find the best, and perfect doesn't exist, so we will have to use our own "deal breakers" and "preferences" here.
- Judging a person by the way her mother (parents) looks AND (I go further) behaves seems logical to me. Even desirable in the quest for our "optimal" partners.
Actually, I think this is a factor that can be of such importance and so influential in the life of someone (more than perhaps any other, or at least many other) that ignoring it would be dangerous and even a bit counter productive (in the quest for your optimal partner).
My conclusion is you are gimping yourself by ignoring one of the most important ways to evaluate your partner if you chose not to look at the persons' parents (and yes, I mean physical, attitude, etc.).
What would be "shallow" (and now we can agree) would be to limit your judgment to the parents of the partner and making your decision solely on that basis. Using the partner's parents as a factor to judge is fine.
However, exceptions are not the rule, and rules should make room for the few exceptions. But then, as the article said: "explain how you are different from your parents" if there is any issue here.
Pa_jorg: No, my comment wasn't snide at all actually.
I was merely stating that many people on this forum actually tend to be very vocal about uncompromising and absolute versions of love, something we probably all desire.
In the real world, when we are not simply typing "thoughts" but our @ss is actually on the line, I have seen people mentioning "red flags" which are far more insignificant than "the parents" (people have often reported minor red flags on here).
I guess it depends on your deal breakers, but if you accept that someone can want "big boobs" or "blond hair" or "intelligent" or "funny" or "blue eyes" or "tall" or "educated", then you have to accept that someone can want "stable parents" as part of the deal.
We are all fighting the same fight here, with different methodologies, of trying to find an optimal partner.
So, no, I don't accept to be told I'm "shallow".0 -
Overall, if i am in, I wouldn't leave because of the what ifs. If I am just getting to know someone and it looks like it will develop beyond someone to go out have fun with, then I would seriously consider long term health implications. Whether they be hereditary or from lifestyle. I don't view it any differently than I view looking at how they spend money or treat a server. It's part of the fundamental question: Will my life be better off with this person playing a significant role?
I agree with this. Health is absolutely something to consider. As someone with anxiety it is something that I take very seriously.
For the record, the issue I took was the singling out of one statement, it being blown out of proportion, and the smarmy bits.0 -
This thread is gold!0
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Hey thanks for letting me know I am unloveable since my mother has cancer. It doesn't mater that I don't smoke, watching my weight, and have an active lifestyle all things that combat pancreatic cancer. No go ahead and look at my mother and judge me.0
