A "Guy's Girl" I have no advice for her... do you?

JanieJack

Someone asked me what I thought about this scenario they found on a dating advice site. I'm guessing it's because they identify with the girl who wrote it.

Unfortunately, my advice would be pessimistic: he wasn't serious (she would know if he was, because they would have started dating) and she should move on. I've had two guy friends like this, and the one (and ONLY) time I ever asked a guy if he was into me, it broke my heart. So now I feel if you *have to ask* then he's not truly interested.

We all know JJ's a man hater so I'm hoping you all can put a positive spin on this for me. What do you think? What would you tell her?

So I am very much a “guys’ girl,” a lot of my friends are guys, and I hang out with them a lot. I know to some of them I seem just like a bro, and I’m fine with that. But I began to notice one of the guys treating me differently and starting to become more attentive and attached to me. I thought I’d give it a chance and I began to become more flirty and attentive to him. So we kinda became “a thing,” especially in everyone else’s eyes. He would ask me what I wanted to do because his decision depended on mine, he’d casually buy me starbucks and lunch, etc. Also, he started to refer to me as his “wifey” and bought me things because “we were practically married.” He also took me to dinner with his mom and grandma at a point.
Multiple people have approached my friends and asked with this guy and I were together, which I was getting tired of because by that point I really wanted to be together, because we were spending so much time together and we really got along well. So one night I casually texted him, “hey, what do you think about actually dating” and his response was “idk about that. Maybe after this sports season.”
So now it’s been two weeks, and we haven’t really talked to hung out and I miss being friends with him.
Could you maybe clarify his response?
And also, if he doesn’t like me, why did he treat me like that for so long?
And maybe just a little advice on what to do about this situation and how to go back to being friends.

JanieJack

By the way, I've noticed the board activity drawing down a bit.. I hope that doesn't mean the only time the board gets active is when there's drama!!

We have SO many lurkers here! If you'd like to post something but want to remain a lurker just PM it to me, and I'll post it for you. Just keep in mind, I'm a rather sensitive soul so any course language will be edited out.

christine24t

So I am very much a “guys’ girl,” a lot of my friends are guys, and I hang out with them a lot. I know to some of them I seem just like a bro, and I’m fine with that. But I began to notice one of the guys treating me differently and starting to become more attentive and attached to me. I thought I’d give it a chance and I began to become more flirty and attentive to him. So we kinda became “a thing,” especially in everyone else’s eyes. He would ask me what I wanted to do because his decision depended on mine, he’d casually buy me starbucks and lunch, etc. Also, he started to refer to me as his “wifey” and bought me things because “we were practically married.” He also took me to dinner with his mom and grandma at a point.
Multiple people have approached my friends and asked with this guy and I were together, which I was getting tired of because by that point I really wanted to be together, because we were spending so much time together and we really got along well. So one night I casually texted him, “hey, what do you think about actually dating” and his response was “idk about that. Maybe after this sports season.”
So now it’s been two weeks, and we haven’t really talked to hung out and I miss being friends with him.
Could you maybe clarify his response?
And also, if he doesn’t like me, why did he treat me like that for so long?
And maybe just a little advice on what to do about this situation and how to go back to being friends.

She was basically doing everything a girlfriend would do a relationship without demanding it of him. Then when she finally asked, why would he bother? He got most of a relationship without having to settle down essentially. He could still go out, act like a single guy, and "come home" to someone who would treat him well. As for the quip about the sports season. I have no idea why the sports season matters unless you're a professional athlete.

He likes her. Just not enough to officially settle down. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If a guy truly wants something he will ask for it. As for going back to "friends?" I don't think it'll happen.

jenbit

she was an in-betweener.... He was keeping her around to have female company but wasn't really into her

meshashesha2012

the same advice should go for her as to the guys who et themselves up in the friend zone. if she doesnt want to be treated like a friend then she needs to stop acting like one.

sounds like he liked her as a friend but not as a date.maybe like her he also thought that friend thoughts could be turned into sexy thoughts. i'll be honest i dont know many people who are able to do that.

poncho33

Well it looks like he doesn't want to consider it until sports season is over... so I recommend she move on until sports season is over or for good. If she misses his friendship why doesn't she text or call him? Maybe she was so into the being a couple thing she didn't realize that she may have been contacting him most times (pearly speculation). I think if she really wants to be friends she should just pretend like that never happened and let things go on as they did.... if she wants to talk with him about it, he will probably get annoyed with the drama and ignore her. It's difficult to give good advice here as the details are kind of vague.

Tropical_Turtle

She was just a girl to spend time with until something/someone "better" came along. Sports season is a cop out.

He really was not all that into her. Move on to someone who would go after what he really wants!

AnnaPixie

Sounds like it was always a friendship to me. I'm not sure why the girl would think any differently. I'm sooo like that with my best male friend. And everyone has asked us for years why we are not a couple. So the only thing that's happened here is her feelings have changed towards him. So kudos, she told him, and he obviously has not got a clue what she's on about...........hence the lame response.

So, either carry on being friends or move on? He doesnt feel the same...........yet! If ever.........although, sometimes men are a bit slow on the uptake........lol

kristen6022

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

zachatta

she was an in-betweener.... He was keeping her around to have female company but wasn't really into her

Shrinking_Xtina

So I am very much a “guys’ girl,” a lot of my friends are guys, and I hang out with them a lot. I know to some of them I seem just like a bro, and I’m fine with that. But I began to notice one of the guys treating me differently and starting to become more attentive and attached to me. I thought I’d give it a chance and I began to become more flirty and attentive to him. So we kinda became “a thing,” especially in everyone else’s eyes. He would ask me what I wanted to do because his decision depended on mine, he’d casually buy me starbucks and lunch, etc. Also, he started to refer to me as his “wifey” and bought me things because “we were practically married.” He also took me to dinner with his mom and grandma at a point.
Multiple people have approached my friends and asked with this guy and I were together, which I was getting tired of because by that point I really wanted to be together, because we were spending so much time together and we really got along well. So one night I casually texted him, “hey, what do you think about actually dating” and his response was “idk about that. Maybe after this sports season.”
So now it’s been two weeks, and we haven’t really talked to hung out and I miss being friends with him.
Could you maybe clarify his response?
And also, if he doesn’t like me, why did he treat me like that for so long?
And maybe just a little advice on what to do about this situation and how to go back to being friends.

She was basically doing everything a girlfriend would do a relationship without demanding it of him. Then when she finally asked, why would he bother? He got most of a relationship without having to settle down essentially. He could still go out, act like a single guy, and "come home" to someone who would treat him well. As for the quip about the sports season. I have no idea why the sports season matters unless you're a professional athlete.

He likes her. Just not enough to officially settle down. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If a guy truly wants something he will ask for it. As for going back to "friends?" I don't think it'll happen.

Ugh so true, yet I still find myself in the predicament. :sick:

RosscoBoscko

If had an answer to this scenario would be in a much easier situation myself, am in a similar situation. Have known my friend for 19 years but last 6 months we have become very close.

Everyone is now assuming we are together or saying we should be. Despite my many times of stating on here that guys and girls can just be friends, with her I'd like it to be more but am concerned about raising it in case she's not interested and then will lose the friendship.

To clarify when I say really close, I mean we text or talk most days. Go to cinema most Wednesday's, and willspend nearly every Friday and Saturday evenings together.

So I have no way of knowing if she wants anything more. A big problem being that she knows I had a big hang up on my ex for a long while.

So basically sorry for hijacking thread but anyone got any advice? Do I just accept am friend zone only and leave the status quo?

cbeutler

Beard?

zachatta

If had an answer to this scenario would be in a much easier situation myself, am in a similar situation. Have known my friend for 19 years but last 6 months we have become very close.

Everyone is now assuming we are together or saying we should be. Despite my many times of stating on here that guys and girls can just be friends, with her I'd like it to be more but am concerned about raising it in case she's not interested and then will lose the friendship.

To clarify when I say really close, I mean we text or talk most days. Go to cinema most Wednesday's, and willspend nearly every Friday and Saturday evenings together.

So I have no way of knowing if she wants anything more. A big problem being that she knows I had a big hang up on my ex for a long while.

So basically sorry for hijacking thread but anyone got any advice? Do I just accept am friend zone only and leave the status quo?

You probably already know the answer.

So I have no way of knowing if she wants anything more.

You do know a way to figure out if she wants more, that way is to make your move. While I disagree that "men shouldn't always have to initiate a move", the general social consensus for today's society is that men DO make the first move. So it becomes an adapt or die scenario. Until you make a move, you will never (probably) know.

So basically sorry for hijacking thread but anyone got any advice? Do I just accept am friend zone only and leave the status quo?

That depends on what you want. To be honest, if you haven't acted within the last 6 months then it probably will not go anywhere. (Keyword: probably; I cannot say for certain the outcome of your situation)

However, if you act now your "friendship" may (keyword: may) turn awkward.

So, from an unbiased perspective, she at this point probably isn't interested in you like that (you stated she has known you for 19 years) and she probably considers you a good friend.

HOWEVER the only way to know for sure is to make a move. So make your move. If you fail and she decides she can't look past it and be friends then she probably isn't worth your friendship anyways.

Or you could always say "on to the next" and "friendzone" her.

Cliffs: If you want her bad enough, make your move. Waiting around will not help you.

AnnaPixie

^^Yep, This.

She could be feeling exactly the same as you and is too worried/shy/scared to make a move!

You will never know unless 'someone' takes that leap.

'Friends' end up together all the time, btw! If there is lust, then friendships make very good relationships IMO. You're half way there!

christine24t

If had an answer to this scenario would be in a much easier situation myself, am in a similar situation. Have known my friend for 19 years but last 6 months we have become very close.

Everyone is now assuming we are together or saying we should be. Despite my many times of stating on here that guys and girls can just be friends, with her I'd like it to be more but am concerned about raising it in case she's not interested and then will lose the friendship.

To clarify when I say really close, I mean we text or talk most days. Go to cinema most Wednesday's, and willspend nearly every Friday and Saturday evenings together.

So I have no way of knowing if she wants anything more. A big problem being that she knows I had a big hang up on my ex for a long while.

So basically sorry for hijacking thread but anyone got any advice? Do I just accept am friend zone only and leave the status quo?

If you like her, go for it. Like I said before, most girls will assume a guy doesn't like them unless he makes a move. She is unlikely to make a move as most girls are. Show her that you are moving on from your ex (stop talking about her, comment on other girls, etc), then make a move on her. Just ask her, "We talk most every day and see each other all the time. People ask me if we're dating, and I say no, but I was wondering if you'd be interested in us being more than friends. If you're not, I understand, but if you would be, it would be cool." You know, something like that. You'll win bonus points for actually saying something.

The friendzone can absolutely be broken. Anna has made a good point that you're halfway there!

_jk0g_

If had an answer to this scenario would be in a much easier situation myself, am in a similar situation. Have known my friend for 19 years but last 6 months we have become very close.

Everyone is now assuming we are together or saying we should be. Despite my many times of stating on here that guys and girls can just be friends, with her I'd like it to be more but am concerned about raising it in case she's not interested and then will lose the friendship.

To clarify when I say really close, I mean we text or talk most days. Go to cinema most Wednesday's, and willspend nearly every Friday and Saturday evenings together.

So I have no way of knowing if she wants anything more. A big problem being that she knows I had a big hang up on my ex for a long while.

So basically sorry for hijacking thread but anyone got any advice? Do I just accept am friend zone only and leave the status quo?

I think you should take the chance and talk to her about and see what she wants. She may feel the same way but is afraid to do anything about it. Sadly girls do what for the guys to make the first move. I know I would probably wait until the guys says something....not saying it is right but I would be scared. If the guys brings it up I am willing to then go there and talk about it. You could talk to her and decide together if this is where you want to really go....Just be honest with her and together you can decide. Good luck!

Roadie2000

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

kristen6022

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

From what I got from JJ's question, she was asking if it was more than friends. It's not, even though this guy was doing "relationship-y" things with her. He wanted to be friends only, she thought it was more.

Maybe my post was harsh, but it is what I thought. Sorry Roadie for not being more sensitive

christine24t

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

He was treating her like they were dating, that was the problem - treated her to things, took her home to meet the parents. Do you treat your female friends the same way you do your girlfriends?

MikeM53082

Everyone is over-thinking everything. Both the people are in the friend-zone. There are millions of people out there, move on to someone else.

@Rossco. If you treat a girl like a friend, that's all your going to end up being. You hang out every weekend without knockin' boots, it sounds like a friendship to me. If you bring it up, you'll likely lose her all together.

You two sound like good friends, don't risk the friendship now by putting the moves on her.

JanieJack

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

This post wasn't about me, but I think there's a fine line between enjoying time together and doing "couple-style" tings with a woman he's not interested in romantically. I've had two guy friends (guess I didn't learn the first time??) who would do things like take me out to dinner, cook for me, snuggle as we watched movies on the couch, buy stuff for me and my son and yet they both maintained that they were never interested romantically.

I think when a man does these things but isn't interested in dating you, he's pretty much just craving female attention and will take it wherever he can get it until the "perfect woman" comes along.

I recently minimized a third friendship that was starting to develop along these lines: He got upset that his ex girlfriend didn't want to hang out anymore as "just friends" because he didn't want to marry her due to some issues he'd discover, but he wanted her around. Then he and I became friends. At first I thought he was interested, but my sly attempts to get him to say so backfired (he would say he wasn't interested). After getting to know him, I was cool with that (he will likely never settle down), and I eventually told him that I couldn't keep spending time with him because his "friendship" was scaring off potential guys that really wanted to date me. And if he wasn't going to date me, I wasn't going to let him scare off other guys.

TheKitsune6

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

From what I got from JJ's question, she was asking if it was more than friends. It's not, even though this guy was doing "relationship-y" things with her. He wanted to be friends only, she thought it was more.

Maybe my post was harsh, but it is what I thought. Sorry Roadie for not being more sensitive

I agree with Kristen, there is a difference between being friends and doing friend things, or doing relationshippy things. That being said, when one person is interested in another, it's pretty easy to interpret friend things as more than they are since that's what you want to see. Since we don't have more details or anyone that has observed either persons behavior we can't really know either way.

meshashesha2012

i think we're missing some info..
how much like dating was it? was there sex involved?

if there was then yeah he was more than likely on a hit it and quit it plan, if there wasn't then then essentially the only change in the relationship was her perceptions of it whereas he still had her in the friend zone.


this is the reason why i personally could never be just friends with a guy who gave me a lady boner. either we're dating or we're just acquaintances but no way i'd be hanging out with him like he's a bud.

Roadie2000

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

From what I got from JJ's question, she was asking if it was more than friends. It's not, even though this guy was doing "relationship-y" things with her. He wanted to be friends only, she thought it was more.

Maybe my post was harsh, but it is what I thought. Sorry Roadie for not being more sensitive

The only details I really have to go by are that he bought her lunch and coffee, and he took her to dinner with his mom and grandma. That sounds VERY platonic to me, I've met a lot of my friends parents and grandparents. There was no mention of sex, there was no mention of any intimacy at all. Maybe whatever he said about sports season was a **** thing to say, but that's about it.

You women usually complain about men using you for sex, now you're complaining that he didn't try to sleep with her? Lets see....he bought her things, took her out to dinner, etc. and you're making her out to be the victim?

kristen6022

She got "friend-zoned", but he was craving attention and decided to use her. Nothing more than that.

That's a bit harsh.
So apparently men aren't allowed to just be friends with women or else "he's using her" and "he's craving attention."? Wow.

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

From what I got from JJ's question, she was asking if it was more than friends. It's not, even though this guy was doing "relationship-y" things with her. He wanted to be friends only, she thought it was more.

Maybe my post was harsh, but it is what I thought. Sorry Roadie for not being more sensitive

The only details I really have to go by are that he bought her lunch and coffee, and he took her to dinner with his mom and grandma. That sounds VERY platonic to me, I've met a lot of my friends parents and grandparents. There was no mention of sex, there was no mention of any intimacy at all. Maybe whatever he said about sports season was a **** thing to say, but that's about it.

You women usually complain about men using you for sex, now you're complaining that he didn't try to sleep with her? Lets see....he bought her things, took her out to dinner, etc. and you're making her out to be the victim?

All we are saying is that the guy, in our opinion, lead the girl on to think there was more than there was. Girls tend to over think things. Men don't think at all most of the time. My guy friends don't take me to lunch to meet their parents or buy me dinner (unless I've just lost my job or got a new one, or celebrating something). Men don't tend to buy women "things" unless they are "dating" them - I realize, like everything, there are exceptions to the rule, but she was unsure what she "was" to this guy. She's a friend. That's it.

Roadie2000

Usually if you find yourself in the friend zone situation it means that the other person likes hanging out with you, they just aren't attracted to you or don't think dating would work out for whatever reason. I don't think craving attention is even close tot he same thing as enjoying spending time with someone without wanting to sleep with them.

This post wasn't about me, but I think there's a fine line between enjoying time together and doing "couple-style" tings with a woman he's not interested in romantically. I've had two guy friends (guess I didn't learn the first time??) who would do things like take me out to dinner, cook for me, snuggle as we watched movies on the couch, buy stuff for me and my son and yet they both maintained that they were never interested romantically.

I think when a man does these things but isn't interested in dating you, he's pretty much just craving female attention and will take it wherever he can get it until the "perfect woman" comes along.

I recently minimized a third friendship that was starting to develop along these lines: He got upset that his ex girlfriend didn't want to hang out anymore as "just friends" because he didn't want to marry her due to some issues he'd discover, but he wanted her around. Then he and I became friends. At first I thought he was interested, but my sly attempts to get him to say so backfired (he would say he wasn't interested). After getting to know him, I was cool with that (he will likely never settle down), and I eventually told him that I couldn't keep spending time with him because his "friendship" was scaring off potential guys that really wanted to date me. And if he wasn't going to date me, I wasn't going to let him scare off other guys.

JJ, I get all that but it takes two people to snuggle on a couch (or whatever happened) yet it sounds like only one person is being blamed. She allowed all of this to go on and didn't sound like she complained about it at the time, so if she wanted to know where it was headed she should have asked.

And even if he was using her for attention, it also sounds like she was soaking up all of the attention she was getting from him. I just don't see why he's taking all the blame.

Roadie2000

All we are saying is that the guy, in our opinion, lead the girl on to think there was more than there was. Girls tend to over think things. Men don't think at all most of the time. My guy friends don't take me to lunch to meet their parents or buy me dinner (unless I've just lost my job or got a new one, or celebrating something). Men don't tend to buy women "things" unless they are "dating" them - I realize, like everything, there are exceptions to the rule, but she was unsure what she "was" to this guy. She's a friend. That's it.

I don't disagree with any of that. He bought her "things." Did he buy her flowers? Jewelry? Or did he buy her a shovel or a vacuum? I just don't think any of the information that's been presented really says he was leading her on or using her. Yes, maybe he liked the attention, maybe he liked the company. It does sound like he was being extra nice, but I don't see any of that being the least bit romantic. Sounds a little bit like she made it out to be more than what it was, but more details would help.

JanieJack

And even if he was using her for attention, it also sounds like she was soaking up all of the attention she was getting from him. I just don't see why he's taking all the blame.

Are you having girl trouble today? You're awfully testy about this. No one assigned blame in the OP.

In fact, in my responses I pretty much put it upon her to move on (just like I did when I saw the same pattern developing with a third guy "friend"). I’m throwing out the bull flag when a man says snuggling on the couch doesn't mean anything, or that lunch with mom/grandma doesn’t mean anything. Of course the girl snuggled- she thought they were heading toward a relationship. Any reasonable person would think the same, and anticipate a deepening of the relationship.

TheKitsune6

I can't help but notice that y'all are arguing two sides of the same coin...

They're both at least partially to blame for how things have transpired, and it's time she moved on. Can we at least agree on that?

Roadie2000

And even if he was using her for attention, it also sounds like she was soaking up all of the attention she was getting from him. I just don't see why he's taking all the blame.

Are you having girl trouble today? You're awfully testy about this. No one assigned blame in the OP.

In fact, in my responses I pretty much put it upon her to move on (just like I did when I saw the same pattern developing with a third guy "friend"). I’m throwing out the bull flag when a man says snuggling on the couch doesn't mean anything, or that lunch with mom/grandma doesn’t mean anything. Of course the girl snuggled- she thought they were heading toward a relationship. Any reasonable person would think the same, and anticipate a deepening of the relationship.

Yeah I might e a little bit tired an over-worked so I apologize if I'm coming off a little testy. The only comment I really had a problem with was one that said he was using her for attention. I now realize that poster might not have meant it the way I originally thought she did.

I agree snuggling with someone you have no intent to be in a relationship with is just weird. Dinner with mom and grandma is not quite as bad but still not something I'd do.

So this brings up the ongoing discussion about why men and women can't just be friends. I had a good female friend a while back, we never did anything romantic, just drank beer and went to sporting events. It was great, we actually had a lot in common but I never knew if she wanted something more and I didn't want to bring up the fact that I liked being friends with her but wasn't attracted to her unless I had to. Finally she got drunk and admitted she had a crush on me, I told her I didn't like her like that, she was hurt, and now we don't hang out anymore. But I always felt bad about it like somehow I handled things poorly, but I don't really know what I could have done differently to save the friendship. Did I lead her on in any way?