Who's on your "Safe List"
Options
lawyerette
Posts: 301 Member
Through this engagement year, my relationships have changed in ways I never expected. Cullen has had a similar - perhaps MORE dramatic - experience. My younger sister, who has been married for almost 10 years, said that the same was true for her and her husband - both during that engagement year and again after the birth of their first child. With that in mind, I thought this blog post from a longtime friend from high school might resonate with some of you. So, I'm making it my Week 7 weekend gift to you all. I hope you all enjoy.
Sharna Langlais - seek…spark…shine: a blog about the journey (linked at http://seeksparkshine.com/whos-on-your-safe-list/)
"I was cleaning out my closet last weekend, going through the remnants of past versions of myself, when I stumbled upon an old wallet from nearly four years ago. Its bulk spoke to me of the weight I carried around then and, as I unclasped it, I discovered the stack of papers and cards that it held.
I fished out an old library card, an expired Visa, several receipts that made me laugh out loud and a computer print out I’d nearly forgotten I had.
Wrinkled, yellowed and completely smudged was a “reminder note” I had placed there in 2007. It was a list I had created after my therapist asked me a very simple question about the people that were in my life:
“How do you know that they’re safe?”
I shook my head, confused by the question, and asked her what she meant.
“Well, how do you decide if someone is a safe person to allow into your life?”
Again, I faltered. Until that point, I’d pretty much welcomed anyone into my life that expressed a desire to be there. I felt grateful that someone wanted to be my friend, and even more so if a guy wanted to be romantically involved with me.
Without judgment she gently prodded: “Do you look at, assess and decide if someone is a person you actually want in your life?”
It hit me hard that the answer was a resounding “no.”
Prior to that conversation, I’d had no guidelines for evaluating new friends, much less romantic relationships. And so she tasked me to create a list – a list of the qualities that made me feel safe in relationships of any kind.
The print out of this list was what I encountered on this yellowing piece of paper. It was such a revelation and beautiful reminder.
The words staring back up at me were:
Congruent: They do what they say they’re going to do
Empathetic: They understand their impact on others and act accordingly
Goes Slowly: The relationship builds slowly, with time to get to know each other
Reciprocal: They put as much time and effort into the relationship as I do
Transparency: They don’t appear to be hiding anything and are straightforward in how they communicate
Honesty: They speak honestly and openly about what’s happened and how they feel
Committed: They are committed, available and desirous of being in a relationship with me
I’m now 33 and remember what it was like negotiating the world of relationships from a “healthier” place for the first time at 27. I recall pulling out that card often when I met someone new, figuring out where I felt things fell on this scale. Strange how all these qualities still ring true, and that while I’m better at evaluating it from an intuitive place now, I can certainly use the reminder in emotionally-charged situations.
And in looking at this list with new eyes, the other piece that stood out to me was simply asking if I interacted with myself in this way. Am I “congruent, empathetic, go slowly, reciprocal, transparent, honest and committed” to myself? And while I’m at it, do I give the same back to others?
I feel like my younger self sent me a tap on the shoulder via my closet clean out. I suppose she’s helping me deepen some ideas I flushed out at a younger age that continue to be important and relevant.
I hate blogs that ask questions for the sole purpose of getting a response, but I am really curious as to what makes up your list of “safe people” and/or if you believe in such a thing."
Sharna Langlais - seek…spark…shine: a blog about the journey (linked at http://seeksparkshine.com/whos-on-your-safe-list/)
"I was cleaning out my closet last weekend, going through the remnants of past versions of myself, when I stumbled upon an old wallet from nearly four years ago. Its bulk spoke to me of the weight I carried around then and, as I unclasped it, I discovered the stack of papers and cards that it held.
I fished out an old library card, an expired Visa, several receipts that made me laugh out loud and a computer print out I’d nearly forgotten I had.
Wrinkled, yellowed and completely smudged was a “reminder note” I had placed there in 2007. It was a list I had created after my therapist asked me a very simple question about the people that were in my life:
“How do you know that they’re safe?”
I shook my head, confused by the question, and asked her what she meant.
“Well, how do you decide if someone is a safe person to allow into your life?”
Again, I faltered. Until that point, I’d pretty much welcomed anyone into my life that expressed a desire to be there. I felt grateful that someone wanted to be my friend, and even more so if a guy wanted to be romantically involved with me.
Without judgment she gently prodded: “Do you look at, assess and decide if someone is a person you actually want in your life?”
It hit me hard that the answer was a resounding “no.”
Prior to that conversation, I’d had no guidelines for evaluating new friends, much less romantic relationships. And so she tasked me to create a list – a list of the qualities that made me feel safe in relationships of any kind.
The print out of this list was what I encountered on this yellowing piece of paper. It was such a revelation and beautiful reminder.
The words staring back up at me were:
Congruent: They do what they say they’re going to do
Empathetic: They understand their impact on others and act accordingly
Goes Slowly: The relationship builds slowly, with time to get to know each other
Reciprocal: They put as much time and effort into the relationship as I do
Transparency: They don’t appear to be hiding anything and are straightforward in how they communicate
Honesty: They speak honestly and openly about what’s happened and how they feel
Committed: They are committed, available and desirous of being in a relationship with me
I’m now 33 and remember what it was like negotiating the world of relationships from a “healthier” place for the first time at 27. I recall pulling out that card often when I met someone new, figuring out where I felt things fell on this scale. Strange how all these qualities still ring true, and that while I’m better at evaluating it from an intuitive place now, I can certainly use the reminder in emotionally-charged situations.
And in looking at this list with new eyes, the other piece that stood out to me was simply asking if I interacted with myself in this way. Am I “congruent, empathetic, go slowly, reciprocal, transparent, honest and committed” to myself? And while I’m at it, do I give the same back to others?
I feel like my younger self sent me a tap on the shoulder via my closet clean out. I suppose she’s helping me deepen some ideas I flushed out at a younger age that continue to be important and relevant.
I hate blogs that ask questions for the sole purpose of getting a response, but I am really curious as to what makes up your list of “safe people” and/or if you believe in such a thing."
0
Replies
-
Wow. I dont know. I never thought about anything like that before.0
-
Aww man such a great question. Since me and my FH jus came back from sitting at the lake taking a step back from all the wedding maddness. We really needed to sit down and just remember that our relationship is more important than anything else. So to add to all that we discussed im going to add that on my to-do list of keeping our relationship growing.0
-
I do in a way. I've always evaluated people with the strong suits that I require in friendship and relationships. I didn't used to, until the past few years. I've been "backstabbed", and used so many times that I refuse to let people do it to me anymore. I don't necessarily keep an actual list, but I know what I require from people in order to be a "healthy" relationship. I'm VERY strict when it comes to friends.
Honesty is a must. If they can't be honest with me, they aren't my friend or someone I want to be around.
Caring is a must, and this can have multiple things under it. For instance, if they care, I believe they should reciprocate the friendship, as in show that they want to be a friend, and show that they are willing to put the effort in. They need to show that they are interested in what's going on in my life.
Those are just a couple, and obviously I try my best to do the same to the friends I want to keep.
Of course, having those requirements have meant that I've cut a lot of people out of my life. Which has led to a spot where I've had a hard decision with bridesmaids and maid of honor, as I really don't talk to a lot of people, and don't have a lot of friends because the ones I did have and a lot of the ones I try to find are only interested in themselves, and don't know how or care to be a real friend. >.>
This is my opinion on my own "list" even though it's not really a list, I just know what I expect of others in my life.0 -
This is very difficult - someone in my life molested my children. Someone who I thought was safe. Someone who for the 7.5 years I was with him -- did horrible things to my children; lied to my children, my family, my church family, my community, co-workers and senior leadership in our company; lied to me; wasn't divorced like said he was; misused my credit card to max it out;
and get this -- blamed one of my children's teen behavior on just being a teen - she's just making up a molestation story...
Learn my daughter wasn't making up a story -- by then it was too late -- the damage was done with my relationship w/my children.
Now, my children don't live w/me and 2 of them don't talk to me.
There's some hope my children will resume a relationship w/me. This current counselor tells me not to lose hope -- thing can change quickly - she has worked w/families to rebuild relationships.
So, there's the reason why sometimes my posts seem angry -- I'm dealing w/this emotional, legal and financial baggage. Losing my job due to health reasons brought on by this stress - losing my house all due to finanical strain I am placed upon. All of this due to one person who did horrible things to children (mine & possible other children)
Wedding -- oh, that's easy stuff. Accepting my children are probably not attending my wedding -- that's not easy.
My children's lives and my life was completely changed due to one person who presented himself as "safe."
No, he lied. He's in jail claiming not guilty due to insanity.0 -
My heart and prayers go out to u and all that ur dealing with. That jus makes me want to cry. And courageous of u to share ur story. I cant imagine how u may be feeling or how much hurt is caused by someone u love and trust. But stay strong.0
-
I agree......what courage to share your story and how strong you must be to have survived! People sometimes say we are stronger than we think we are. I'm so sorry you and your children have been hurt so badly and pray they will be able to get past it all to allow you back into their lives.
I am fortunate to have a very loving, caring family and small circle of close friends who are fiercely loyal and committed to me and vice versa. I owe it to my Mom--the nurturing way she raised us and set the example in her own life. I've never been a social butterfly......am friendly, but only allow a handful of people to be on my safe list. I believe they love me unconditionally because they've shown me with their actions over the years. It does take time to build trust in relationships, whether it be a spouse, friend or family member.0 -
Wow Barb! I am so sorry to hear all the pain you have gone through. I am glad though that in context of this posted topic that you deem this and us a safe place to share! I think it defiantly takes a lot of strength to share what you did and exemplifies that you also have make it to the acceptance phase and are ready to mend those relationships! I really hope your children will come around soon and be there for you on your wedding day!0
-
Thank you all for your kind words of support.
This week I am vowing to think more encouraging and positive thoughts instead of dwelling on the negative.
I'm not a big fan of what I call "church tv."
This morning, I put the tv so I could enjoy my breakfast before heading to church.
The tv came on to a Joel Osten program.
He was making some points and providing examples that I could relate to.
So, I feel my week is off to a better start.
Thank you again. May all of us have a good week -- may we grow from our challenges whatever those challenges may be.0 -
Aww man such a great question. Since me and my FH jus came back from sitting at the lake taking a step back from all the wedding maddness. We really needed to sit down and just remember that our relationship is more important than anything else. So to add to all that we discussed im going to add that on my to-do list of keeping our relationship growing.
We are also adding this to our pre-marital relationship prep... next meeting with our pastor is Wednesday and I'm hoping to share it with him then. We have so much to go through with the other two books he gave us, though. I'm glad we're doing such in depth prep beforehand, but it really is a lot to do with everything else!0 -
I am the absolute other extreme of the writer. I am very very careful with who I let into my life. I almost have a mental list of people in different levels of 'inner circles'. With the fiance being in the most inner circle by himself. I am not a trusting person and it takes a lot for someone to be allowed in. This sounds awful and terrible as I write it but it is the way I like to lead my life. I hate spending time with people I dislike, or distrust. So I don't. Maybe people see me as harsh and intimidating. But the truth of it is that I am an amazingly caring and strong person, but I only share this with true friends and don't waste my time people who are not worth it.0
-
I am the absolute other extreme of the writer. I am very very careful with who I let into my life. I almost have a mental list of people in different levels of 'inner circles'. With the fiance being in the most inner circle by himself. I am not a trusting person and it takes a lot for someone to be allowed in. This sounds awful and terrible as I write it but it is the way I like to lead my life. I hate spending time with people I dislike, or distrust. So I don't. Maybe people see me as harsh and intimidating. But the truth of it is that I am an amazingly caring and strong person, but I only share this with true friends and don't waste my time people who are not worth it.
Sounds healthy to me, Leila
0 -
@PlumbCrazyGirl- wow, I am so sorry you've had to go through all that! It takes an extremely strong person to handle something like that, and I'm glad to see you striving to stay positive when there is so much going on that can bring you down. I was in an abusive relationship once that destroyed my life, my family, friendships, resulted in me dropping out of school, losing my job, getting $40K in debt (he stole my identity), and almost cost me my life but I'm grateful that no one else was directly affected. I hope that with time, your kids will grow to understand your position and will welcome a relationship with you.
I have trust issues too- the experience above is the main reason but I seem to be a "crazy-magnet" in general. Most of my friendships have failed because either I was the only one putting in any effort, or the ones who really wanted my friendship were, well, crazy...and the constant drama and NO positive aspects to those friendships eventually led to me ending them...and then there was the good friend/ roommate who got creepy...
I'm definitely cautious with new people. I like inviting people over to group get-togethers at our house (parties, BBQs, etc.)- I find I can get a decent idea about people there...and then I can choose whether to keep it a friendship with distance- really only hanging out in groups? Or are they someone I want to get to know? It's not like I go around screening people, lol! But usually I at least know "omg so-and-so was so rude!" vs "I'd love to have so-and-so over again!"
This is a great topic. It really got me thinking...maybe I need to look more at the positive aspects of people and friendships...instead of just anxiously waiting for them to "unleash the crazy" and being wary all the time. I guess maybe I need to learn when to take a chance and when to walk away...and what to do if I take a chance and it backfires...0 -
Yes, this week I am vowing to think more postive - not dwell on the negative aspects of my life.
And realization the only thing that can change is me.... I can't control what others do or think of me.0 -
I have 3 people on my safe list.
1 of them is my mother. I trust her with my life, and she's always been there.
The second one is my very best friend. We've been friends for 18 years and we have had disagreements but we make it through. I can go months without talking to her, and when we do get to talk- it's like we never stopped. I can tell her anything, she's seen me at my worst. Then again, she knows to much for me not to be friends with her. LOL.
My fiance is my last. While I haven't known him THAT long, I just have that feeling that when you 'know', you just 'know'. He'd do anything for me, and loves me just the way I am. He's truly my Prince Charming. I also have a totally ridiculous phobia and he helps me through it without judging. In that aspect of my life, he's my safe person. I feel like I can survive this phobia with him.0
