The #5 dating mistake....

kimad

So this one got me to thinking...

Bringing up your exes

So your photos are great, you profile rocks and now you’re on a first date with quite the catch. Don’t blow it by talking about your ex. Guys don’t want to hear about how Mr. Previous was cheap or how he played too much World of Warcraft. Or, conversely, how great he was at, well, anything. Focus on the guy in front of you, and you may just keep him from being your next ex

What is appropriate and what is not?
I am usually pretty quiet until it comes up, but I have met 2 men recently who bare it all in date #1... I don't mind responding back with basics - was this long, ended for this reason, and we have a drama free set up now... but I met a guy tonight that I even learned she was a pole dancer lol... (for the record too.. by outward appearance and personality - two totally different men)

Is too much divulgence in discussing exes a red flag in any way? (and not STI's lol) just some people's communication style or need for everything out on the table?

Just curious your thoughts.

ETA: both of these men, also were curious how my dating experience had been going, saying they were both new to online dating.

christine24t

Obsessing about your exes is not a good thing...obsessing outwardly to nearly random strangers? Red flag.

The first few dates should be fun and easy, not discussions on your marriage timeline or how your last relationship fell apart because he did X and then you did Y, how many kids you want, how your ex-husband or boyfriend is a jerk, your political views or religious views, or your health issues.

You want to present the best image of you to him. Don't bag it down with negative comments and reminiscing about your past history. There is nothing wrong with these topics seemingly coming up naturally, ie: "oh, your mom and dad live in Florida? My ex-husband lives there with his wife, my kids go down there twice a year." but "so, what have your previous relationships been like" should never be a question you are asked/ask someone...at least not until you've been dating for a while and have gotten to know each other.

I have a love-hate relationship with Taylor Swift, but I quite like this verse in her song Begin Again.

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I won't talk about that
And for the first time what's past is past

Don't drag the past into your future.

kimad

Obsessing about your exes is not a good thing...obsessing outwardly to nearly random strangers? Red flag.

The first few dates should be fun and easy, not discussions on your marriage timeline or how your last relationship fell apart because he did X and then you did Y, how many kids you want, how your ex-husband or boyfriend is a jerk, your political views or religious views, or your health issues.

You want to present the best image of you to him. Don't bag it down with negative comments and reminiscing about your past history. There is nothing wrong with these topics seemingly coming up naturally, ie: "oh, your mom and dad live in Florida? My ex-husband lives there with his wife, my kids go down there twice a year." but "so, what have your previous relationships been like" should never be a question you are asked/ask someone...at least not until you've been dating for a while and have gotten to know each other.

I have a love-hate relationship with Taylor Swift, but I quite like this verse in her song Begin Again.

And we walked down the block to my car and I almost brought him up
But you start to talk about the movies that your family watches
Every single Christmas and I won't talk about that
And for the first time what's past is past

Don't drag the past into your future.

I totally agree but wanna say too that there wasn't really any negativety. No harsh words, nothing about what actually went down. Just short and sweet and on to the next. Wasn't like the Spanish Inquisition.

I really don't say much myself and I don't obsess over it or have issues. We are friends but I dated a guy once who had nothing nice to say about her (oddly he was the issue in the marriage) and that did rub me the wrong way. Actually showed me alot about how I didn't want to act.

I am iffy on it. Sometimes I would rather just get it over with as some issues are deal breakers to me ( ie not actually divorced, wants mores kids, etc). Just wasn't sure if them speaking this way date one had a hidden meaning I was missing.

So what, ditch date 2 over ex talking or proceed with caution?

christine24t

I totally agree but wanna say too that there wasn't really any negativety. No harsh words, nothing about what actually went down. Just short and sweet and on to the next. Wasn't like the Spanish Inquisition.

So what, ditch date 2 over ex talking or proceed with caution?

If it was just a casual mention, I wouldn't be too alarmed. I would go ahead with it. But if he finds a way to bring her up all the time... "Oh the ex liked country music" "etc then I would reconsider. But a quick mention isn't that bad. Like I said, as long as it's not a discussion but a mention.

kimad

I totally agree but wanna say too that there wasn't really any negativety. No harsh words, nothing about what actually went down. Just short and sweet and on to the next. Wasn't like the Spanish Inquisition.

So what, ditch date 2 over ex talking or proceed with caution?

If it was just a casual mention, I wouldn't be too alarmed. I would go ahead with it. But if he finds a way to bring her up all the time... "Oh the ex liked country music" "etc then I would reconsider. But a quick mention isn't that bad. Like I said, as long as it's not a discussion but a mention.

It was definitely a discussion... But short and to the point. I just LOL wondering how it was too the point considering I found out she was pole dancer. I don't know, yes he told me it all (where they met. Briefly why they broke up,. She is a pole Dancer. How long they have been apart. Etc. he wasn't like 'she is a nasty xxx who slept with this guy and xxx.)........but he in no way brought her up alot. I didn't even consider anything awkward about the convo - the 5 mistakes list just got me to thinking. Date 5 guy was very open and look where that got me lmao.

kimad

... Ugh on my iPad. Can barely type then this pops up.

kimad

Obsessing about your exes is not a good thing...obsessing outwardly to nearly random strangers? Red flag.

The first few dates should be fun and easy, not discussions on your marriage timeline or how your last relationship fell apart because he did X and then you did Y, how many kids you want, how your ex-husband or boyfriend is a jerk, your political views or religious views, or your health

I thought some more about this, this AM and I don't think this describes the situation at all.
More so we got the conversation over on why we were both single and meeting that night.
Yes I may have learned alot more about this ex then he knows about me or my ex but there was no obsessing, no negativity just 'facts'. Yes he may have told me he wants a relationship with someone not casual dating but nothing outwardly creepy.

I have met both. I have him who was open about it, then I have a second date tonight with someone who barely communicates via text (works evenings so rarely time for calls) so I can't even sense he is interested minus him asking me for the date. I have seen so many different communication styles..... I think it's in being rubbed the wrong way and if not, proceeding with caution.

I have talked to a few men online who I eventually told to get over their exes before meeting ladies. Their obsession was screaming at me loud and clear.

Just curious other people's experiences.

fullofwhimsy

I met someone for the first time last night and we both mentioned our exes a couple times. When you have owned property, been married or in something long term or have kids...I think it is natural it comes up as it is part of your history.

poncho33

This is a good one. I know when I broke up with my ex and went to online dating and such, I kept my mouth shut about my ex... however if they would have brought it up I'd have gone on for hours about it... probably a good sign I wasn't over her. With my current gf it's been a few months now and I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't mentioned any of hers... probably a good sign we're both in a good place for dating.

I don't think there is any unwritten rule on this or anything but, I would just suggest keeping any ex talk to less than 10 minutes/date.

Roadie2000

I think it's a little natural to talk about an ex when you're getting to know somebody, and when someone was a big part of your life you can't just pretend like it didn't happen. First dates are usually a no-no for ex talk, unless it just gets brought up and you don't go on and on about it. But if they dwell on it too much and sound too bitter I assume they're not really over them.

AnnaPixie

I think it's very difficult not to mention ex's or internet experiences or you past life to a new date. BUT I do feel that someone that sits there and has nothing else to talk about is rather boring...........lol

Dates are for getting to know each other. So, an ex question, or a mention of an ex is quite common. However,keep your questions short and sweet and keep your answers short and sweet..........dont go on and on and on about it...........lol

Two dates that stick out for me on the ex theme:

1. Said, his ex was abusive and treated him like sh1t and wanted this and that and then they got back together and she reported him to the police and he didnt do what she said and then it got horrible form there.........................OMG! I really didnt need to know about his....

2. Said, his ex never got dressed until 3pm and used to look a state, never cleaned the house even though she didnt work, always swore and now he hates women that swear................etc...............:yawn:

I really dont feel a guy is into *me* if all he can do is recite his damaged past!!!

Keep that kind of stuff till you know each other better........if at all!!

kimad

I met someone for the first time last night and we both mentioned our exes a couple times. When you have owned property, been married or in something long term or have kids...I think it is natural it comes up as it is part of your history.

I agree with this.
I mean, I have kids, and I am single mom to them 100% of the time. How do your kids not come up, I think some of this stuff comes up naturally because this is YOUR life and it isn't changing. An ex where you didn't share a house, kids, or whatever can be a thing of the past but ones with things still in your life isn't as easy.

kimad

This is a good one. I know when I broke up with my ex and went to online dating and such, I kept my mouth shut about my ex... however if they would have brought it up I'd have gone on for hours about it... probably a good sign I wasn't over her. With my current gf it's been a few months now and I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't mentioned any of hers... probably a good sign we're both in a good place for dating.

I don't think there is any unwritten rule on this or anything but, I would just suggest keeping any ex talk to less than 10 minutes/date.

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up. If only I would have divulged a bit into this early on, it would have TOLD me alot about the crap I was dealing with, with him. To only find out some 9 months later with all our kids invested he was a gambling addict and left her with 200 grand of debt. So I think the convo HAS to happen.. but when when it does we all know it won't be the 100% truth. Gotta get to know the person too.

kimad

I think it's very difficult not to mention ex's or internet experiences or you past life to a new date. BUT I do feel that someone that sits there and has nothing else to talk about is rather boring...........lol

Dates are for getting to know each other. So, an ex question, or a mention of an ex is quite common. However,keep your questions short and sweet and keep your answers short and sweet..........dont go on and on and on about it...........lol

Two dates that stick out for me on the ex theme:

1. Said, his ex was abusive and treated him like sh1t and wanted this and that and then they got back together and she reported him to the police and he didnt do what she said and then it got horrible form there.........................OMG! I really didnt need to know about his....

2. Said, his ex never got dressed until 3pm and used to look a state, never cleaned the house even though she didnt work, always swore and now he hates women that swear................etc...............:yawn:

I really dont feel a guy is into *me* if all he can do is recite his damaged past!!!

Keep that kind of stuff till you know each other better........if at all!!

HAHA wow wonderful!!
I never met one guy, didn't make it out of POF email, but he went on and on about how she dumped him on Valentines day, and took him for granted this way and that way... and I remember saying 'buddy get over your ex'

I had another one who would had an ex, where he kind of felt her kid to be his own. He would be at her beck and call all the time for this child. I mean, good on him for helping this child out when needed as it wasn't his, but it was utterly ridiculous, to the point it would interfere with his life and me trying to get to know him. I finally told him to get over her too HAHA

kimad

But if they dwell on it too much and sound too bitter I assume they're not really over them.

I agree 100%.
By the time I left my kid's dad I was so over it (took me years to get the courage).
Now we are pretty good friends and there is some 'situations' for us that need to come up at some point but not on date one or if at all if the timing doesn't warrant it.

My ex drives truck, he lives with a friend.. so my kids don't get to go to their dad's every second weekend and the like - sometimes they do a big slumber party at their house but it isn't consistent. Sometimes when I need a sitter their dad watches them at MY house. Ideal situation, no? If I go away for a week he watches them at my house becuase of their school, ideal sitiation? no. But it's the fact of my life. I don't go blurting that all out on date one. If it comes to the point we have a relationship I bring it up. IE if the guy is picking me up for a date and he is there... I kindly tell them. If we have progressed to the point that he may come in, then I get a babysitter and I don't use my ex.

My situation sucks, I wish I had set ups other people do. But he helps me where he can and I get paid on time. So I am not going to rock the boat.

I don't hate my ex, and unless a situation warrants he doesn't even come up. It's more when people ask me about it works with my kids does my situation come to light a little bit.

Yes I left my kids dad becuase he was an alcoholic and it was interfereing with being a family - I don't tell people that I bailed him out of jail for a DUI lol.... you need to know your boundaries.

poncho33

This is a good one. I know when I broke up with my ex and went to online dating and such, I kept my mouth shut about my ex... however if they would have brought it up I'd have gone on for hours about it... probably a good sign I wasn't over her. With my current gf it's been a few months now and I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't mentioned any of hers... probably a good sign we're both in a good place for dating.

I don't think there is any unwritten rule on this or anything but, I would just suggest keeping any ex talk to less than 10 minutes/date.

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up. If only I would have divulged a bit into this early on, it would have TOLD me alot about the crap I was dealing with, with him. To only find out some 9 months later with all our kids invested he was a gambling addict and left her with 200 grand of debt. So I think the convo HAS to happen.. but when when it does we all know it won't be the 100% truth. Gotta get to know the person too.

I agree, you have to get to know someone. Personally I just let the other person bring it up... I think it will come out at some point unless someone hasn't been in a relationship in a really long time. Maybe just saying something like, how long have you been on OKC (or whatever site or avenue you met through)??

In retrospect would you say there were other signs with your ex??

kimad

This is a good one. I know when I broke up with my ex and went to online dating and such, I kept my mouth shut about my ex... however if they would have brought it up I'd have gone on for hours about it... probably a good sign I wasn't over her. With my current gf it's been a few months now and I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't mentioned any of hers... probably a good sign we're both in a good place for dating.

I don't think there is any unwritten rule on this or anything but, I would just suggest keeping any ex talk to less than 10 minutes/date.

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up. If only I would have divulged a bit into this early on, it would have TOLD me alot about the crap I was dealing with, with him. To only find out some 9 months later with all our kids invested he was a gambling addict and left her with 200 grand of debt. So I think the convo HAS to happen.. but when when it does we all know it won't be the 100% truth. Gotta get to know the person too.

I agree, you have to get to know someone. Personally I just let the other person bring it up... I think it will come out at some point unless someone hasn't been in a relationship in a really long time. Maybe just saying something like, how long have you been on OKC (or whatever site or avenue you met through)??

In retrospect would you say there were other signs with your ex??

I always ask how long they have been on the dating site.
I also ask how long they have been divorced - this may sound harsh or annoying, but I won't date a man who is only seperated (learned this the hard way more than once) so that is a deal breaker for me and I ask!

OMG lots of signs. I knew something was off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Was almost about to chalk it up to being a workoholic, but then one of his close friends knew I was struggling and opened up about his past a bit - DING DING red flags were flying up all over (I learned ALOT about myself and dating from this relationship). Was his friend in the right? no probably not, but he saved me from alot of heartache. I knew the relationship was already over, but it helped me move on.

poncho33

This is a good one. I know when I broke up with my ex and went to online dating and such, I kept my mouth shut about my ex... however if they would have brought it up I'd have gone on for hours about it... probably a good sign I wasn't over her. With my current gf it's been a few months now and I haven't mentioned it and she hasn't mentioned any of hers... probably a good sign we're both in a good place for dating.

I don't think there is any unwritten rule on this or anything but, I would just suggest keeping any ex talk to less than 10 minutes/date.

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up. If only I would have divulged a bit into this early on, it would have TOLD me alot about the crap I was dealing with, with him. To only find out some 9 months later with all our kids invested he was a gambling addict and left her with 200 grand of debt. So I think the convo HAS to happen.. but when when it does we all know it won't be the 100% truth. Gotta get to know the person too.

I agree, you have to get to know someone. Personally I just let the other person bring it up... I think it will come out at some point unless someone hasn't been in a relationship in a really long time. Maybe just saying something like, how long have you been on OKC (or whatever site or avenue you met through)??

In retrospect would you say there were other signs with your ex??

I always ask how long they have been on the dating site.
I also ask how long they have been divorced - this may sound harsh or annoying, but I won't date a man who is only seperated (learned this the hard way more than once) so that is a deal breaker for me and I ask!

OMG lots of signs. I knew something was off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Was almost about to chalk it up to being a workoholic, but then one of his close friends knew I was struggling and opened up about his past a bit - DING DING red flags were flying up all over (I learned ALOT about myself and dating from this relationship). Was his friend in the right? no probably not, but he saved me from alot of heartache. I knew the relationship was already over, but it helped me move on.

I would have done the same as his freind and told you... it doesn't help your ex to drag other people into his problems, he needs to deal with them before going out and finding someone else. So personally I think his freind was right to tell you.

Moe4572

I think exes will always come up IF you were married and have kids. I don't have kids, and all I know about my ex husband is that he is remarried---I don't even know what state he lives in currently and don't really care at this point. But, if I am dating someone with kids, it does usually come up when discussing his situation with kids, etc.

The guy I am seeing now--we started seeing each other in the middle of January and I know he split with his gf of 13 years, but no idea why............doesn't really matter==they have child together and he is very good to his daughter and friendly with her mom. So I don't ask too many questions, but little by little I imagine details will pop up in conversation.

JanieJack

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up.

I'm in the position that I really, really, have to hold myself back from asking questions about his ex.

When we first started dating, he would give me evasive answers^^, and then finally I figured out (with very patient roundabout questioning) what happened. He and I have very similar stories, unfortunately. After that, I stopped caring about his ex. But now that we're making plans to continue dating after my move I find myself extremely curious about his ex. I want to know what she did for him that he liked (sexually and NON sexually). I want to know what about her irritated him (she was bad with money- and that was a huge problem for them). I want to know if she loved him in the beginning or if she was always just using him.

I know it's not kosher to ask all this detail so I won't ask...

You know what ELSE I would love to do? I would really, really, love to find a way to talk to her and find out what problems SHE had with HIM.



^^ you might remember this discussion from: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/689271-would-it-bother-you-if-s-he-didn-t-know-why-they-fell-apart?

RunIntheMud

Right after my divorce I thought I had to bing it up because I felt like I had to prove myself to be the "good guy" in the situation. I wanted to prove that I don't take vows lightly. But, instead of showing that, I ended coming off as having more drama than a lot of men wanted to deal with. That went on for about my first year of dating.

Now I don't bring up my ex at all because I know the man I'm dating will. I'd rather just wait for him to do it and I answer only the questions he asks. I don't get too far into the details of my ex, however I do make sure that the man I'm dating knows what he's walking into (in regards to the kids and my life). As the relationship grows, he learns more.

kimad

You know it's funny.... with my last bf (we dated 9 months) I never once asked him about his ex. I mean I knew they had 2 kids, a house, blah blah, but I never asked why they split up.

I'm in the position that I really, really, have to hold myself back from asking questions about his ex.

When we first started dating, he would give me evasive answers^^, and then finally I figured out (with very patient roundabout questioning) what happened. He and I have very similar stories, unfortunately. After that, I stopped caring about his ex. But now that we're making plans to continue dating after my move I find myself extremely curious about his ex. I want to know what she did for him that he liked (sexually and NON sexually). I want to know what about her irritated him (she was bad with money- and that was a huge problem for them). I want to know if she loved him in the beginning or if she was always just using him.

I know it's not kosher to ask all this detail so I won't ask...

You know what ELSE I would love to do? I would really, really, love to find a way to talk to her and find out what problems SHE had with HIM.



^^ you might remember this discussion from: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/689271-would-it-bother-you-if-s-he-didn-t-know-why-they-fell-apart?

I didn't know the thread but I read it.
I think it's normal to be curious and I think some answers you deserve to have at some point and depending where your relationship is headed BUT I wouldn't want to know in a million years what she did for him sexually or non that he liked. Why not find out what he likes that you do fir him or what more you could do, etc. you both need to find your way together sexually. Just because something worked for them doesn't mean it would work for you two in the bedroom.

Also I don't know you well enough to know if you would actually talk to his ex about their past but for me that would be a 100% deal breaker. Something's sure because I would want no drama between the exes etc but there is a huge huge line you shouldnt cross IMO. With my ex bf of 9 months all parties could be in the same room and converse but it was 'how about that hockey game or I love your shirt' it was never about 'did he do this to you too' stuff

It's your relationship with him now. Not hers. And things will be different and people learn and grow. I don't get hung up on the exes or the past at all. I want to know what he can offer me etc in the now.

JanieJack

I don't know you well enough to know if you would actually talk to his ex about their past but for me that would be a 100% deal breaker.

I know it's a deal breaker for most people... that's why I havne't done it.

But I have two friends who say their ex treated their first wives the way they were treated and if they had just found out from her WHY they divorced my friends themselves wouldn't now be divorced. My ex was engaged for a bit- it fell apart, but if his new fiance had approached me, I would certainly would have warned her about him. The way he was with her, accoridng to our mutual friends who still lived near him, would NEVER make you suspect how wrong he did me.

So there's that part of me that says "I wonder..."

christine24t

And then you'd meet the ex couple who were both responsible and neither one was exactly the problem in the relationship. I know a couple who dated for about a month and they were a train wreck together. Now both are coupled again and have been with their own bf/gf for years without problems. They just don't get along with each other!

kimad

And then you'd meet the ex couple who were both responsible and neither one was exactly the problem in the relationship. I know a couple who dated for about a month and they were a train wreck together. Now both are coupled again and have been with their own bf/gf for years without problems. They just don't get along with each other!

I agree 100%, thankfully we have choices ETA: Everyone plays themselves as the victim, it takes time to get to know the person and by asking the right questions to find out the real story. Yes I was with an alcoholic who monthly would abandon our family, but I had my issues too with how I dealt with it all. So there is always 3 stories.

And with JJ, on the flip side, would you want him snoopy around talking to your exes?
Yes, I realize some issues could be there, and I would want to know (ie abuse, addictions, etc.) but I don't know.. I guess we have to live and learn ourselves too.

I found out about some issues with my last ex (I posted this above), but our relationship was already over...I got this info and it just made it easier. I didn't seek it out, it came ot me. I have had my fair share of men screwing me over too, but when I look back and assess all relationships I had the warning signs and I ignored them.

Amy62575

Obsessing about your exes is not a good thing...obsessing outwardly to nearly random strangers? Red flag.

Hey, I'm new to this group, but not new to dating :laugh: and I agree with this^^ wholeheartedly. One who spills all on a first date has some serious issues that you probably don't want to dive into.

Just my two cents.

Roadie2000

Right after my divorce I thought I had to bing it up because I felt like I had to prove myself to be the "good guy" in the situation. I wanted to prove that I don't take vows lightly. But, instead of showing that, I ended coming off as having more drama than a lot of men wanted to deal with. That went on for about my first year of dating.

This is exactly what my current GF did on our first date, and it was sort of a turn off and awkward moment, but obviously not a deal breaker. Luckily after she cleared the air it didn't get brought up again for a while. I mean, I appreciate that she is open and communicative, but even today I can do without all of the custody drama.

kimad

Right after my divorce I thought I had to bing it up because I felt like I had to prove myself to be the "good guy" in the situation. I wanted to prove that I don't take vows lightly. But, instead of showing that, I ended coming off as having more drama than a lot of men wanted to deal with. That went on for about my first year of dating.

This is exactly what my current GF did on our first date, and it was sort of a turn off and awkward moment, but obviously not a deal breaker. Luckily after she cleared the air it didn't get brought up again for a while. I mean, I appreciate that she is open and communicative, but even today I can do without all of the custody drama.

Does she have alot of drama with her ex and kids? That is too bad.
I am lucky I don't have any of that to deal with, but I don't think clearing the air on your past means you will be stuck with alot of drama either.
Guess it really depends.

Roadie2000

Right after my divorce I thought I had to bing it up because I felt like I had to prove myself to be the "good guy" in the situation. I wanted to prove that I don't take vows lightly. But, instead of showing that, I ended coming off as having more drama than a lot of men wanted to deal with. That went on for about my first year of dating.

This is exactly what my current GF did on our first date, and it was sort of a turn off and awkward moment, but obviously not a deal breaker. Luckily after she cleared the air it didn't get brought up again for a while. I mean, I appreciate that she is open and communicative, but even today I can do without all of the custody drama.

Does she have alot of drama with her ex and kids? That is too bad.
I am lucky I don't have any of that to deal with, but I don't think clearing the air on your past means you will be stuck with alot of drama either.
Guess it really depends.

Yeah it gets old, but I don't even hear about half of it.

AnnaPixie

You know what ELSE I would love to do? I would really, really, love to find a way to talk to her and find out what problems SHE had with HIM.

Don't you think her view would be rather biased?? lol

Imagine if we all had to write a report on our ex, like a public notice!! I dont think anyone would find another partner!!! lol

I think people have different experiences with different people. Which is why some people are right for each other, and some people are not.

RunIntheMud

Right after my divorce I thought I had to bing it up because I felt like I had to prove myself to be the "good guy" in the situation. I wanted to prove that I don't take vows lightly. But, instead of showing that, I ended coming off as having more drama than a lot of men wanted to deal with. That went on for about my first year of dating.

This is exactly what my current GF did on our first date, and it was sort of a turn off and awkward moment, but obviously not a deal breaker. Luckily after she cleared the air it didn't get brought up again for a while. I mean, I appreciate that she is open and communicative, but even today I can do without all of the custody drama.

Does she have alot of drama with her ex and kids? That is too bad.
I am lucky I don't have any of that to deal with, but I don't think clearing the air on your past means you will be stuck with alot of drama either.
Guess it really depends.

The way I did it was definitely the wrong way... I'd bring it up out of the blue while we were getting to know each other. I really do believe that the first few dates should be spent getting to know each other. You might not even make it past 2 or 3 dates. Again, if he asks, I'll share sparingly, but enough so that he understands the situation.

Now, when it comes to kids....it should be assumed that if you are dating someone with kids that there is still a relationship of sorts between that person and their ex. They have to talk with their ex about custody & support arrangements. The amount of actual drama depends on each person. But, I make sure to keep the man in my life out of this part of my life. It's really not his business other than to know what my schedule looks like. If things progress into a marital situation, then that changes slightly, but still not that much.