Human Sexuality

TheKitsune6

So this is a topic that I've been wanting to broach for quite some time now, but have been hesitant in the past. All I ask is that peeps be respectful as this subject can be very hurtful to some people.

So while there are the common sexualities that are mainstream - heterosexual and homosexual - I know quite a few people in my life that identify as pansexual, or asexual. My sister is an asexual and it's something that she struggles with constantly. Not her ability to accept it - she's very comfortable in her lack of interest in sex. Instead a lot of the problems arise from people not understanding and it faces a lot of the same judgment that homosexuality faced fifty years ago (and still, in some areas).

I realize I come from a very socially progressive area so I don't directly encounter the same kind of phobias related to anything non hetero-normative but I find that whenever I mention that my sister is asexual people are quick to compare her to amoeba's or ask her if she was molested at a young age.

I believe that with the progression of the human species, and as reproduction becomes less and less important (let's face it, we gots lot's of babies floating around) I see us progressing more toward a pan/a society instead of our current predominantly hetero/homo.

So what I'd like to get feedback on is - are you familiar with pansexuality/asexuality? Have you come across it before? What is your understand? Do you want to know more? Do you think that humans can evolve out of the desire to perpetuate the species and into a more love/affection/convenience based society?

DISCUSS!

Also: If you have questions about any of these things I'm happy to fill in anyone with what knowledge I have.
For basic reference though -
Pansexual: no gender preference. All are welcome.
Asexual: varies from no desire for sex and intimacy to willing to tolerate sex but not necessarily desiring it for oneself.

Moe4572

Kits
Have very little experience in this world, so to speak. I have a cousin who I guess falls into the pansexual category---we just always called her "bi"....she won't use any labels, just says that she is "happy"........so that works for her.

We thought my sister was asexual--I guess--meaning with her 1st husband she had no interest in sex or any intimacy, and he was ok with that, but then she started therapy for some other issues and came out a different person--divorced her husband, and is now happily married with 2 kids, and I know sex is normal part of her life........

So I learned terms from your post................and I think people will continue to evolve and become more accepting......maybe the optimist in me?

kimad

I also don't have much to add.

I have a cousin that is homosexual, and I am thankful for her that times are changing.
I remember when she was growing up, I thought she was just being apart of the 'bisexual fad' that seemed to be happening, and that she would 'grow' out of it. She is happy and doing well in her life, and I am happy for her.

I do think though that maybe at times in our life we can all be asexual. When I think of my ex (the kid's dad) I went years upon years without having sex. I had no interest in it, and finally he just left me alone. But the more I think about it, maybe I wasn't asexual in the way you mean - maybe it was because I was overweight, I was upset with the status of our relationship and how his actions were affecting our family, etc. Because after we broke up I went on and had a healthy sex life with someone else.

My above paragraph also relates to what Moe posted about her sister not being interested, got therapy and went on to remarry and have children. So maybe being asexual just relates more to the place you are in your life and how you feel about yourself at any given moment.

Good post though, look forward to reading other's responses.

diodelcibo

So what I'd like to get feedback on is - are you familiar with pansexuality/asexuality? Have you come across it before? What is your understand? Do you want to know more? Do you think that humans can evolve out of the desire to perpetuate the species and into a more love/affection/convenience based society?

I've heard of both terms and think I generally understand them. Not really interested in learning more about pansexuality but am interested in learning a bit more about asexuality currently as my attraction towards women has gone recently but I still feel the need to have sex.

AnnaPixie

I know a married couple that never have sex. They are both happy with that arrangement, love each other dearly, are very affectionate towards each other and sleep in the same bed. They did conceive a child on one drunken 'mishap' 4 years ago, but I dont think they've had sex since.

I'm all for it if both people are happy, so yeah, you most definitely can live in harmony without sex. It will only ever be a problem if one person has a sex drive...... :noway:

Never heard of pansexual tbh, so my only thought on that is live and let live :flowerforyou:

AnnaPixie

So what I'd like to get feedback on is - are you familiar with pansexuality/asexuality? Have you come across it before? What is your understand? Do you want to know more? Do you think that humans can evolve out of the desire to perpetuate the species and into a more love/affection/convenience based society?

I've heard of both terms and think I generally understand them. Not really interested in learning more about pansexuality but am interested in learning a bit more about asexuality currently as my attraction towards women has gone recently but I still feel the need to have sex.

Do you think your attraction to women has died because of your experience with women outside of sex?? I mean, I definitely have periods when I can't be bothered with sex because I'm not finding someone that treats me how I want to be treated. Attraction, for me, goes beyond the physical. It's more of a mental and emotional connection.......

ORRRRRRRRRRR are women not 'physically' attractive to you anymore??

yoovie

what is pansexual

fullofwhimsy

Interesting topic!

I have often wondered if my ex was somewhere on the asexual scale..but then again, what is actually asexual, and what is due to personal challenges of health, self esteem, emotional issues etc. etc.? Not sure what the overlap is or not. Perhaps, like some say about homosexuality, there is a little bit of it in all of us?

Pansexuality is interesting however. If there were suddenly no men on earth, could I simply turn to women? Um..yes, I think so. This theory is untested so far, but I feel really quite open about it..and somewhat curious.

As "society" evolves, it may allow for more exploration and personal interpretation of sexuality..though I don't really know as a species if we are set in our hetero/homo ways, or other models are ever going to be as mainstream.

diodelcibo

So what I'd like to get feedback on is - are you familiar with pansexuality/asexuality? Have you come across it before? What is your understand? Do you want to know more? Do you think that humans can evolve out of the desire to perpetuate the species and into a more love/affection/convenience based society?

I've heard of both terms and think I generally understand them. Not really interested in learning more about pansexuality but am interested in learning a bit more about asexuality currently as my attraction towards women has gone recently but I still feel the need to have sex.

Do you think your attraction to women has died because of your experience with women outside of sex?? I mean, I definitely have periods when I can't be bothered with sex because I'm not finding someone that treats me how I want to be treated. Attraction, for me, goes beyond the physical. It's more of a mental and emotional connection.......

ORRRRRRRRRRR are women not 'physically' attractive to you anymore??

I think it may have something to do with experiences of bad relationships with women.

Not sure exactly what you are meaning but I'll know if a women is "supposed" to be attractive but she could be standing naked infront of me and I could just walk away and do something else.

_SABOTEUR_

I am a great believer in a sexuality spectrum.

Attraction to men at one end and attraction to women at the other.

You naturally fall somewhere on this spectrum, but throughout your life you can move anywhere along that spectrum.

In my own case, I came out at 15, but when I was 25 I fell in love and had a relationship with a woman. We have since split and I still predominantly identify as gay, but I am more willing to accept my attraction to women as well.

I find the idea of asexuality very hard to understand, as I am a very sexual person myself.

pa_jorg

Kits, this is a very interesting topic, even though I don't have much to add as I don't know anyone IRL who identifies that way.

Seems to me, how do you really know that about someone unless they tell you anyway!? Sex is such a private thing, that most of us do not tell every person we encounter about all of our dalliances. So someone can assume all they want, but the truth is internal, right?

TheKitsune6

For more details on asexuality











For more info on asexuality
http://www.asexuality.org/home/
Is very informative, and the FAQ section is pretty thorough

Dio - That might qualify as more demisexual, or autosexual than asexual, but it depends on variables. Are you attracted to men? Are you satisfied with "taking care of business" yourself? Are you not attracted to women or just don't want to put forth the effort of dealing with them and what it takes to have sex?

TheKitsune6

what is pansexual

Pansexuality means that you have no preference when it comes to gender or their identifying sexuality. Male, female, transgender, gender neutral, etc. Bisexuality usually only covers male or female, but also will indicate a preference one way over another.

yoovie

thanks! i know that guy.

TheKitsune6

Kits, this is a very interesting topic, even though I don't have much to add as I don't know anyone IRL who identifies that way.

Seems to me, how do you really know that about someone unless they tell you anyway!? Sex is such a private thing, that most of us do not tell every person we encounter about all of our dalliances. So someone can assume all they want, but the truth is internal, right?

Some people are more open with it than others. Though a lot of times, like hetero and homo, you can tell in how they choose to live their life.

I find the idea of asexuality very hard to understand, as I am a very sexual person myself.

My sister and I always joke about how she left behind the sex genes in the womb and I picked them up instead :laugh: It did take me a long time to "accept" it about her as I didn't understand and I am ashamed to say I was one of the people that always believed she would "grow out of it".

As time went on and I learned more about it and saw the prejudice and struggles she's had to deal with I became more aware - especially because she is very open about it. She's a very good looking, friendly girl. Guys will fall in love with her and then accuse her for leading them on because she tries to pursue friendships, they accuse her of using asexuality as a cover, or when people say stupid things like "Oh, so you can reproduce on your own?"

So while I will most likely never consider myself asexual, I think anyone that has had to deal with that sort of ignorance and attacks on oneself can understand.

TheKitsune6

So what I'd like to get feedback on is - are you familiar with pansexuality/asexuality? Have you come across it before? What is your understand? Do you want to know more? Do you think that humans can evolve out of the desire to perpetuate the species and into a more love/affection/convenience based society?

I've heard of both terms and think I generally understand them. Not really interested in learning more about pansexuality but am interested in learning a bit more about asexuality currently as my attraction towards women has gone recently but I still feel the need to have sex.

Do you think your attraction to women has died because of your experience with women outside of sex?? I mean, I definitely have periods when I can't be bothered with sex because I'm not finding someone that treats me how I want to be treated. Attraction, for me, goes beyond the physical. It's more of a mental and emotional connection.......

ORRRRRRRRRRR are women not 'physically' attractive to you anymore??

I think it may have something to do with experiences of bad relationships with women.

Not sure exactly what you are meaning but I'll know if a women is "supposed" to be attractive but she could be standing naked infront of me and I could just walk away and do something else.

That sounds a bit more like a lack of desire for sex, but you said that you still have that desire?

christine24t

This is a very interesting topic.

Growing up, I had a friend who we all thought was asexual. She never pointed out guys (or girls) she thought was attractive, never told us about any sexual desires, etc. it was more a feeling we all got that she was asexual. I think her feelings were also tangled by the fact that she was conceived in a hetero relationship but raised by two lesbian parents. Her bio dad was a jerk and still is...and then it didn't help her stepmom cheated on her mom with a man and got pregnant and left the family. I think her feelings about sex and gender are really tangled up in her experiences with sex and love.

I recently heard that she expressed interest in a guy to my friend and even went over to his house (no hook up though) so for her I do think it was a matter of coming to terms with her childhood.

I don't think a sexless relationship is bad by any means as long as it is mutual. Asexual people can want romance as far as I know but not the sex that comes with it.

TheKitsune6

This is a very interesting topic.

Growing up, I had a friend who we all thought was asexual. She never pointed out guys (or girls) she thought was attractive, never told us about any sexual desires, etc. it was more a feeling we all got that she was asexual. I think her feelings were also tangled by the fact that she was conceived in a hetero relationship but raised by two lesbian parents. Her bio dad was a jerk and still is...and then it didn't help her stepmom cheated on her mom with a man and got pregnant and left the family. I think her feelings about sex and gender are really tangled up in her experiences with sex and love.

I recently heard that she expressed interest in a guy to my friend and even went over to his house (no hook up though) so for her I do think it was a matter of coming to terms with her childhood.

I don't think a sexless relationship is bad by any means as long as it is mutual. Asexual people can want romance as far as I know but not the sex that comes with it.

Yes, asexuals can vary from sex-repulsed to a willingness to have sex because the other person wants it - but not necessarily desire it themselves. Even within asexuality is a varying desire for a "relationship". Some people are perfectly okay with friendship and nothing more. Some people prefer a nonsexual relationship with men, or women. Some are tolerant of sexual relationships and don't have a gender preference.

pa_jorg

Kits, this is a very interesting topic, even though I don't have much to add as I don't know anyone IRL who identifies that way.

Seems to me, how do you really know that about someone unless they tell you anyway!? Sex is such a private thing, that most of us do not tell every person we encounter about all of our dalliances. So someone can assume all they want, but the truth is internal, right?

Some people are more open with it than others. Though a lot of times, like hetero and homo, you can tell in how they choose to live their life.

True, it's about how open certain people are. For example, I have co-workers who I've never said a word to about my personal life, so how would they know. Yes, I'm sure most of them assume - and assume correctly - that I'm straight even if they don't know my relationship status. But sex and relationships are not a daily conversation with everyone I know is all I meant.

TheKitsune6

Kits, this is a very interesting topic, even though I don't have much to add as I don't know anyone IRL who identifies that way.

Seems to me, how do you really know that about someone unless they tell you anyway!? Sex is such a private thing, that most of us do not tell every person we encounter about all of our dalliances. So someone can assume all they want, but the truth is internal, right?

Some people are more open with it than others. Though a lot of times, like hetero and homo, you can tell in how they choose to live their life.

True, it's about how open certain people are. For example, I have co-workers who I've never said a word to about my personal life, so how would they know. Yes, I'm sure most of them assume - and assume correctly - that I'm straight even if they don't know my relationship status. But sex and relationships are not a daily conversation with everyone I know is all I meant.

Oh, I know what you mean. My automatic mentality is "heterosexual white male" until proven otherwise. If someone says they have a friend named "Morgan" I think male until the person says "she" and then it's heterosexual white female, until they say "Morgans girlfriend" and so on so forth.

I don't put much concern into what someones sexual preference is if I'm not sexually attracted to them. If I was friends with a guy and he came out to me I would say "Oh, cool." my reaction would be the same if he then said "Actually I think I'm bi/pan/a/hetero" because ultimately I think it's more about a person being comfortable and happy with who they are as an individual and that it's not a tool to judge other people by, or to be affected by other people. Does that make sense?

pa_jorg

I think it's more about a person being comfortable and happy with who they are as an individual and that it's not a tool to judge other people by, or to be affected by other people. Does that make sense?

Makes complete sense. And I really am glad you brought this topic up. It's very different from our 'usual' stuff.

TheKitsune6

I think it's more about a person being comfortable and happy with who they are as an individual and that it's not a tool to judge other people by, or to be affected by other people. Does that make sense?

Makes complete sense. And I really am glad you brought this topic up. It's very different from our 'usual' stuff.

It's been on my a mind a lot as of late. Besides my sister I had another friend that was struggling with her sexuality and how she identifies. I never put much stock in labeling myself, but it helped me see how that could really affect a person.

I didn't want to bring it up before because I didn't feel there was an appropriate audience and as it is very close to my heart it could have gotten ugly. Now I think it's more safe and I am genuinely interested in peoples perceptions. I think the more we talk about things that are not heteronormative, the more "normal" alternate sexualities will become.

AnnaPixie

I think the more we talk about things that are not heteronormative, the more "normal" alternate sexualities will become.

I was dating a guy that wanted to have a relationship with a lady-boy! He had no idea why. He said he wasn't gay or bi, but that was a 'dream' for him. More than a fantasy.

He was a great kisser, but pretty boring in bed......lol (not implying that pansexuality has anything to do with that particularly :huh: )

AnnaPixie

I didn't want to bring it up before because I didn't feel there was an appropriate audience and as it is very close to my heart it could have gotten ugly. Now I think it's more safe.........

I can't imagine who you could be talking about Kits...........:laugh:

lacroyx

I didn't want to bring it up before because I didn't feel there was an appropriate audience and as it is very close to my heart it could have gotten ugly. Now I think it's more safe.........

I can't imagine who you could be talking about Kits...........:laugh:

He who shall not be named...

Interesting topic indeed. I haven't met anyone asexual but I have seen the rings in the pictures listed.

SMarie10

I understand that with our current society - at least in the U.S. it appears people are more willing to accept alternative sexual orientations and lifestyles. While I have heard of bi-sexual and asexuals I haven't heard of pan sexual- don't know how that is different from Bi-sexual.
I'm wondering if people find themselves asexual if their only sexual experiences have been wholly unsatisfying. I cannot imaging never having the desire for sexual contact, and am truly surprised when I hear friends talk about having to give sex to their partners rather than wanting that contact. I never thought of sex / sexuality in terms of purely procreation - in fact that is usually the last thing on my mind other that wanting to ensure prevention of pregnancy.

I also believe more "traditional" sexuality will always be the norm, and things like multiple wives will never gain acceptance.

TheKitsune6

what is pansexual

Pansexuality means that you have no preference when it comes to gender or their identifying sexuality. Male, female, transgender, gender neutral, etc. Bisexuality usually only covers male or female, but also will indicate a preference one way over another.

SMarie10 - quoted so you can see the difference.

I'm wondering if people find themselves asexual if their only sexual experiences have been wholly unsatisfying.

I imagine if you aren't interested in sex, it wouldn't be very satisfying, would it?

I cannot imaging never having the desire for sexual contact, and am truly surprised when I hear friends talk about having to give sex to their partners rather than wanting that contact.

That's because this is apparently about lifestyles that aren't your particular path. Not being able to understand something, but accepting it, is different from not understanding something and condemning it as "wrong" or "unnatural".

I never thought of sex / sexuality in terms of purely procreation - in fact that is usually the last thing on my mind other that wanting to ensure prevention of pregnancy.

But that's exactly why I think we'll evolve out of heteronormativity. We don't need to worry about creating more of our species, we are the only animals on the planet that actively and intentionally avoid procreation, though we aren't alone in animals that have recreational sex (Bonobos, our closest relatives, for example).

I also believe more "traditional" sexuality will always be the norm, and things like multiple wives will never gain acceptance.

Why do you believe that? You say it and it smacks of the same kind of closed mindedness that assured everyone same sex marriage is a sin that will never come to pass and yet more and more states are finally giving same sex couples the rights to enter into contracts that bind them to each other. So without any reasoning other than you claiming that you don't get it, I'm forced to assume you don't have any.

There are a lot of lovely people that live differently without every having sex, or even within healthy, loving, polyamorous relationships. Who would ever want to say that alternative lifestyles will never gain acceptance when all we have to do is accept it within ourselves?

julesboots

Kits, I'm curious about the connection you make with less need for procreation. I get what you're saying, but I' m not sure I want to think that that kind of evolution happens so quickly? Not sure.

I've never met anyone who identified as asexual, but I wonder if there is any related biological evidence? Sexuality is so complicated, would be possible to tease out lack of physical impulse from any emotions that might shut it down?

Experiences with pan-sexuality: While I'm not in any way religious, I worked for a church for 12 years that embraced this idea (didn't promote it, but made it clear that sexuality didn't need to be a this or that) They were the second church in the country with an out minister (in '86). Through the early 90's (when I started) they were getting picketed and it was insanity. Now, it's super gentrified and the transsexuals and other non-hetero normative folks have disappeared because of all the liberal families that smothered them wanting to be "friends." It got exploitative, so I quit. I think in some circles this identity is probably pretty trendy, and not authentic. So, I accept the idea for sure, and wouldn't want to stop people from exploring their desires, but just like every college girl at a liberal arts school is "a lesbian " her sophomore year, I think probably very few people do/could really identify as pan-sexual.

_SABOTEUR_

This topic is sticking in my mind. In a good way.

When you mentioned the womb scenario with your sister, it reminded me of an ex who was a twin. His twin brother was asexual, although no one ever used that term. I had another ex with a brother who was the same.

It's funny, because the presumption by everyone was, 'Oh he must be gay as well, but he's afraid to come out.'

But, as they say, the possibilities are endless.

SMarie10

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I'm wondering if people find themselves asexual if their only sexual experiences have been wholly unsatisfying.

I imagine if you aren't interested in sex, it wouldn't be very satisfying, would it?

The thought I was trying to present is that it might be unsatisfying sex that would lead to non-interest, rather than non-interest in and of itself. Just one hypothesis.

I also believe more "traditional" sexuality will always be the norm, and things like multiple wives will never gain acceptance.

Why do you believe that? You say it and it smacks of the same kind of closed mindedness that assured everyone same sex marriage is a sin that will never come to pass and yet more and more states are finally giving same sex couples the rights to enter into contracts that bind them to each other. So without any reasoning other than you claiming that you don't get it, I'm forced to assume you don't have any.

There are a lot of lovely people that live differently without every having sex, or even within healthy, loving, polyamorous relationships. Who would ever want to say that alternative lifestyles will never gain acceptance when all we have to do is accept it within ourselves?

I really don't appreciate being called closed minded. Again, my point is while you may support / believe that someone is not open to alternative lifestyles by suggesting that they won't gain acceptance in our society doesn't mean that I personally would not support someone who practices that lifestyle. I'm not closed minded, nor am I naive enough to think that all the support I might offer to someone living an "alternative lifestyles' is going to change the minds to the majority of people in our society. I fully support gay marriage, but have yet to come to terms with ALL alternative lifestyles currently being practices. It doesn't mean I'm close minded, I just don't know enough about them to make that informed decision.

Prahasaurus

So, I accept the idea for sure, and wouldn't want to stop people from exploring their desires, but just like every college girl at a liberal arts school is "a lesbian " her sophomore year, I think probably very few people do/could really identify as pan-sexual.

Once again I curse myself for attending an engineering school....

--P