Human Sexuality
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It's an interesting question, Kits. I know a large number of people in my industry who identify as bi-sexual - some who swing further toward hetero- or homo-sexual, and others who sit bang in the middle of the spectrum. Some of the latter may qualify as pansexual, though it's not a term I've heard used much here, and I suspect is fairly rare, as per your description. I'm not sure what their various feelings on transgender partners would be, for example. I am inclined to think that most people generally prefer absolutes, at least in some areas of their lives, so I would be surprised to find a large number of pansexuals at any point in our history or future, unforeseen events notwithstanding!
Asexuality on the other hand, I'm quite aware of. The other side of the coin in my business, which is predominantly quite laissez-faire in its' attitudes towards sex; I also know a number of people who are explicitly, or in some cases, probably, asexual - they simply aren't interested in sexual contact with another person. I even looked into the state at one stage in my deeply-insecure mid-teen years, and quickly concluded that I didn't fit the diagnosis, as I am most certainly interested in sex, just picky about the conditions and partner!
I suspect we will see an increase in people identifying as Asexual as non-hetero-normative identities become more widely accepted, though I do wonder if some of this increase will come from people like me who find the overt sexualisation that is prevalent in our culture distasteful, and therefore assume there must be something 'wrong' with them (not that asexuality is wrong in any way, but one is often made to feel prudish and 'wrong' for being more private/conservative about sex than is currently popular), and adopt the identity of the label without really knowing what it means or implies, rather than true asexuals.0 -
I briefly dated a guy who is most likely asexual. I at first thought he was just shy, and then being a gentleman..but really in the end he admitted to only having had sex once before..and had said he could wait awhile...wasn't in a rush ect. Didn't seem to have a strong desire for sex..he was affectionate..but not overly so. Anyway I am NOT asexual and told him that and said I didn't want to wait and that we weren't a good fit. I don't know if it was that he wasn't attracted to me...which it could be but also the fact that he was in his late 30's and only had sex once.....kind of leads be to believe he was more on the asexual side.0
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I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.0
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As pointed out by others, the problem with someone calling themselves "asexual" is that it can come from so many different sources/origins/reasons. Because sexuality is complex.
And yes, before society calls it an "orientation" we would need to know the reasons why asexuality happens. What if it was discovered that asexuality was due to an hormonal imbalance in overweight people? You couldn't call asexuality a sexual orientation then, just a symptom of a chemical imbalance.
Is a eunuch "asexual"?
As for "pansexual", the prefix "pan" is supposed to mean "all". So it seems a bit reductive to use it only for humans. But they "bagsied" it...
So I hereby propose the term "omnisexual" then for people who would have sex with anything (as long as there is pleasure in it).
As whitney said "the possibilities are endless."
And I think this is really what it is about. There are just about as many different sexuality as there are genes, cultures, mutations, diseases, imbalances, imperfections, brains, educations, ...
Some societally desirable, some societally acceptable, some societally non desirable and some societally non acceptable.
I feel sometimes it is a bit pedantic to label everything (same as in music, colours), especially for micro communities.
But maybe, as important as it is for everyone to have a "name", it is also important for everyone to identify to someone else, to have a group identity, to belong to something bigger (but not too "mainstream")? I guess it's important to know you're not a freak, and that there are others out there you can reach out to (hence finding a name for the community).
I don't know... Lots of things to think about here.
Here is some more food for thought for people who are interested in this topic:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Object_sexuality
This too:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homosexuality_in_ancient_Greece
And this too, on a lighter note:
http://www.destructoid.com/star-wars-the-old-republic-and-its-new-gay-planet--242389.phtml0 -
I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.
Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.
I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.
Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.
I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:
I would agree. This is exactly what I was talking about - everyone's requirements of the match up between emotional/intellectual and physical intimacy are different. For those like MM, and myself, whose instincts on this subject are out of step with current cultural expectations, that poses a difficulty. Based on what I know of asexuality, given that MM said not that she was 'uninterested' in physical contact with someone else, but rather 'anxious' about it, I wouldn't say that matched an 'asexual' label, though I know it can feel as though one might be when faced with an overwhelmingly-sexualised world that one somehow doesn't quite fit into! :flowerforyou:0 -
I suspect we will see an increase in people identifying as Asexual as non-hetero-normative identities become more widely accepted, though I do wonder if some of this increase will come from people like me who find the overt sexualisation that is prevalent in our culture distasteful, and therefore assume there must be something 'wrong' with them (not that asexuality is wrong in any way, but one is often made to feel prudish and 'wrong' for being more private/conservative about sex than is currently popular), and adopt the identity of the label without really knowing what it means or implies, rather than true asexuals.
There's nothing 'wrong' with you hun. I think every young maiden wants their first time to be perfect - in love, in the confines of a committed relationship, romantic setting, etc. (Mine certainly was
The fact that sex is more overt these days is really nothing but a symptom of internet, porn and societal acceptance that we are sexual creatures. This has very little to do with romance and relationships! I dont see that expectations have changed in that respect. Your first time should be special. It just gets less special the more you times you do it!!! lol
ETA: That last sentence was tongue in cheek. If you're in a special relationship then sex is always special :flowerforyou:0 -
I suspect we will see an increase in people identifying as Asexual as non-hetero-normative identities become more widely accepted, though I do wonder if some of this increase will come from people like me who find the overt sexualisation that is prevalent in our culture distasteful, and therefore assume there must be something 'wrong' with them (not that asexuality is wrong in any way, but one is often made to feel prudish and 'wrong' for being more private/conservative about sex than is currently popular), and adopt the identity of the label without really knowing what it means or implies, rather than true asexuals.
There's nothing 'wrong' with you hun. I think every young maiden wants their first time to be perfect - in love, in the confines of a committed relationship, romantic setting, etc. (Mine certainly was The fact that sex is more overt these days is really nothing but a symptom of internet, porn and societal acceptance that we are sexual creatures. This has very little to do with romance and relationships! I dont see that expectations have changed in that respect. Your first time should be special. It just gets less special the more you times you do it!!! lol
ETA: That last sentence was tongue in cheek. If you're in a special relationship then sex is always special :flowerforyou:
Oh, I know, Anna! (But bless you for saying it!:flowerforyou: ) I was just pointing out that those whose preferences and ideals are out of step with currently popular attitudes are often made to feel that there's something 'wrong' with them for feeling that way. I can see how this might be misconstrued by many as asexual tendencies, when for the majority, it's not actually a disinterest in sex, but simply a different timeline/set of requirements from the 'norm' for sexual behaviour that happens to be in vogue at that partiular moment in time. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that (or with true asexuality, for that matter!), but it does make life more difficult at times - being too far off the centre of any bell curve always does!0 -
I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.
Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.
I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:
I would agree. This is exactly what I was talking about - everyone's requirements of the match up between emotional/intellectual and physical intimacy are different. For those like MM, and myself, whose instincts on this subject are out of step with current cultural expectations, that poses a difficulty. Based on what I know of asexuality, given that MM said not that she was 'uninterested' in physical contact with someone else, but rather 'anxious' about it, I wouldn't say that matched an 'asexual' label, though I know it can feel as though one might be when faced with an overwhelmingly-sexualised world that one somehow doesn't quite fit into! :flowerforyou:
I agree.
I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.0 -
I agree.
I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.
This was very much me, and the reason I didn't lose my virginity until just last year. However, I am a very sexual person (hetero in terms of the OP). Now that I have more confidence in myself, I can't wait to find a new partner, even if just FWB. I found out that I am just naturally good in certain areas, or so I have been told.0 -
I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.
Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.
I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:
I would agree. This is exactly what I was talking about - everyone's requirements of the match up between emotional/intellectual and physical intimacy are different. For those like MM, and myself, whose instincts on this subject are out of step with current cultural expectations, that poses a difficulty. Based on what I know of asexuality, given that MM said not that she was 'uninterested' in physical contact with someone else, but rather 'anxious' about it, I wouldn't say that matched an 'asexual' label, though I know it can feel as though one might be when faced with an overwhelmingly-sexualised world that one somehow doesn't quite fit into! :flowerforyou:
I agree.
I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.
For me it isn't body issues I just do not crave human contact. Even though I am an extrovert and love being around people I don't like to touch or be touched by others. It is just recently that I became okay with hugging other people without it making my skin crawl.0 -
I agree.
I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.
This was very much me, and the reason I didn't lose my virginity until just last year. However, I am a very sexual person (hetero in terms of the OP). Now that I have more confidence in myself, I can't wait to find a new partner, even if just FWB. I found out that I am just naturally good in certain areas, or so I have been told.
Glad to hear this!!
Ruth, yeah I understand that...I used to be that way as well! Then I met my old best friend who is a big hugger and it
Changed lol0 -
I agree.
I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.
This was very much me, and the reason I didn't lose my virginity until just last year. However, I am a very sexual person (hetero in terms of the OP). Now that I have more confidence in myself, I can't wait to find a new partner, even if just FWB. I found out that I am just naturally good in certain areas, or so I have been told.
Glad to hear this!!
Ruth, yeah I understand that...I used to be that way as well! Then I met my old best friend who is a big hugger and it
Changed lol
Oddly enough, I'm very tactile... I come from a family of huggers and work in an industry where the standard greeting is the double (or triple, in some countries!) cheek kiss. It becomes automatic after a while, and I occasionally startle non-colleagues by being, if anything, too casually affectionate in my greetings. Also, my best friend often describes me as an extroverted introvert, which can be confusing to others in a social situation :laugh:
For me, I think it's a combination of some body issues of the deep-seated variety, which tend to hold me back from behaving in an overtly flirtatious manner (ie. with serious sexual intent, rather than just a bit of fun interaction), never having had the opportunity to try my wings in this area as a teenager when everyone else was learning (so feeling a little unsure of myself/not picking up on cues that others would recognise), and simply being out of step emotionally with the current 'mode': I can't imagine having sex with someone I don't know very well, care about a great deal, and feel immensely comfortable with - and that takes time. That's not a fashionable attitude right now, and not many people (men, in my case) are willing to put in that sort of time and effort on a possibility, when there is someone more in line with what's currently 'normal' within arm's reach in almost any given situation. Reduce the number who are willing to the percentage, whatever that may be, with whom I have that sort of chemistry to start with, and it's a bit 'needle in haystack' to find not even the 'right' one, but even just someone who will 'do', for lack of a better phrase!0 -
I'm very huggy (is that a word?) Touchy person BUT only after I have gotten to know you and feel comfortable.0
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Reduce the number who are willing to the percentage, whatever that may be, with whom I have that sort of chemistry to start with, and it's a bit 'needle in haystack' to find not even the 'right' one, but even just someone who will 'do', for lack of a better phrase!
I think this applies to everyone, right? Not having ever had sex makes it somewhat more complicated, maybe, but I don't think that the "right man" will care very much either way. He's probably the same person/type of person regardless of your sexual experiences.
I definitely feel I'm also looking at a needle in a haystack scenario sometimes: single mom, over 35, work in a low-paying female dominated field (that is making me tired as hell lately), but as I get older I'm a lot better able to look at what's inside vs. what's outside which hopefully means being open to more possibilities and healthier dynamics.
I'm trying to tease out whether I can really look at the situation I'm in right now as something longer term, and it's hard. There are some problems for sure, but in the scheme of things- if this dude were a virgin (it would surprise me and be super weird at first- but I'd get over it) virginity woudn't be the deciding factor in whether I want to stick it out.
(Sorry if this is too off topic)0 -
Interesting how different we all are. I am at the other end of the spectrum in regards to touch and physical space. I have to repeatedly school myself to take a step back, because Canadians do enjoy a wide berth between others when in conversation. We also are not cheek kissers here, and I have friends who I have hugged only a handful of times as they simply are not comfortable with it. I, on the other hand, might have been born in the wrong country. I love touch and am very, very comfortable with it in a sexual and non-sexual sense, from both men and women. Holding hands, hugs, kisses, tickling, a little grooming (though it is annoying too!), PDA...yeah.. I'm fine with it all. I don't actually require much time to get to know someone to be this way, either..hence even my coffee dates seem to end with lingering hugs and kisses and I'm not opposed to potentially more if it feels right. I think I'm a bit of a hedonist though.
It surprises me almost though, that I have that level of comfort, being overweight. I can be shy or slightly more modest up and walking around or changing in front of people, but when it comes to intimate moments it is literally the furthest thing from my mind - I run purely on sensation and instinct.0 -
I'm hispanic we are probably some of the touchiest people in the world lol...Everyone gets hugs and kisses on the check and you rarely shake hands .........
I've always been hetero and I find that alot of people also have the difficulty in accepting that a women now days isn't atleast a little bi... I've been told many time that I have good taste in women lol... I simply try to explain that I can appreciate another womens beauty without wanting to touch it lol.... However most people seem to assume that as a single women I have to be bi lol0 -
Basically if I'm not in a relationship with someone or drunk, I don't want to be touched.0
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I'm the same as Poncho. I do not like touching, even my friends. The only exception is my sister and my friend Moony (whom I have known since grade school). I used to be very outgoing and touchy but when I was 18 I became quite the opposite. Now I'll even have serious anxiety when bidding friends farewell, or greeting them, because I'm afraid they'll try and hug me. I've gone out of my way to stop people before even though it tends to offend people. Shoot, I don't even like a lot of eye contact. It doesn't bother me to see other people do it, I just don't like it.
That being said I am a very sexual person, and I'm very comfortable in my sexuality ("Open heterosexual" as I've said before). When I'm intimate with someone I expect there to be cuddling, kissing, hugging, hand holding and I'm more than okay with PDA.0 -
I used to be very active in asexuality.org's forum. When I got married to my ex, I had never experienced sexual attraction. I enjoyed snuggling with him, and found men pleasantly attractive, but not in the sexual sense that I experience now. Unfortunately, I did not know that "normal" people felt something I didn't feel.
I just didn't feel anything down there.
It was a long road to discovering the joys of sex, and honestly, part of my motivation to change was participating in those forums and discovering that most of my "forum friends" were either mentally ill or had suffered childhood trauma. A small handful were "born that way" but most that I "met" had issues and it challenged me to discover if I had issues myself or was this genetic (which would be strange considering I come from a family full of nymphos).
I just never knew enough to ASK the question "is something wrong" before discovering that site.
One of my best college friends is co-founder of Objectum-Sexuality Internationale, a support network for people who experience attraction to objects rather than people. I’m glad she’s happy, but I get sad when I think about it because I remember her BEFORE she stopped being attracted to men and I remember WHAT happened to change her mind.
I suffered childhood trauma and by addressing it, and following the program outlined in "woman's orgasm" for getting to know your body – especially for a woman who’s never had the big O, I opened up a whole new world. Even now, I still don’t develop sexual feelings for a man until I’ve gotten to know him a little bit, and know that he cares for me as a person. Some say I limit myself dating that way, but I’m happy because I find it protects me from a lot of the drama my friends experience. The funny thing is, once that attraction develops with a man, it totally takes over my mind ;-) and I start plotting a) how adventurous can I be yet still teach Sunday School with a good conscience and b) how to bring up whatever adventure I’ve been concocting to see if he’d be game when the time comes.
If anyone out there feels their life is hindered by asexuality (or limited sexuality) I would be MORE than happy to discuss in more depth. It’s so hard to explain that to people because they just can’t comprehend that you don’t feel what they feel! But I’ve been on both sides of the fence and won’t call you a liar. Unfortunately, my online contact is rather limited over the next few months (and priority goes to Skyping my son and boyfriend), but PM me and I’ll write back when I can.
I wish I had more time to discuss this topic!! Then again, what I wrote is already long enough, lol!0 -
I'm hispanic we are probably some of the touchiest people in the world lol...Everyone gets hugs and kisses on the check and you rarely shake hands .........
I've always been hetero and I find that alot of people also have the difficulty in accepting that a women now days isn't atleast a little bi... I've been told many time that I have good taste in women lol... I simply try to explain that I can appreciate another womens beauty without wanting to touch it lol.... However most people seem to assume that as a single women I have to be bi lol
That assumption always seemed odd to me, too. I have no sexual interest in other women at all, but certainly appreciate female beauty, as I do beauty in any guise. Do people assume the same of single men, I wonder?0 -
I used to be very active in asexuality.org's forum. When I got married to my ex, I had never experienced sexual attraction. I enjoyed snuggling with him, and found men pleasantly attractive, but not in the sexual sense that I experience now. Unfortunately, I did not know that "normal" people felt something I didn't feel.
I just didn't feel anything down there.
It was a long road to discovering the joys of sex, and honestly, part of my motivation to change was participating in those forums and discovering that most of my "forum friends" were either mentally ill or had suffered childhood trauma. A small handful were "born that way" but most that I "met" had issues and it challenged me to discover if I had issues myself or was this genetic (which would be strange considering I come from a family full of nymphos).
I just never knew enough to ASK the question "is something wrong" before discovering that site.
One of my best college friends is co-founder of Objectum-Sexuality Internationale, a support network for people who experience attraction to objects rather than people. I’m glad she’s happy, but I get sad when I think about it because I remember her BEFORE she stopped being attracted to men and I remember WHAT happened to change her mind.
I suffered childhood trauma and by addressing it, and following the program outlined in "woman's orgasm" for getting to know your body – especially for a woman who’s never had the big O, I opened up a whole new world. Even now, I still don’t develop sexual feelings for a man until I’ve gotten to know him a little bit, and know that he cares for me as a person. Some say I limit myself dating that way, but I’m happy because I find it protects me from a lot of the drama my friends experience. The funny thing is, once that attraction develops with a man, it totally takes over my mind ;-) and I start plotting a) how adventurous can I be yet still teach Sunday School with a good conscience and b) how to bring up whatever adventure I’ve been concocting to see if he’d be game when the time comes.
If anyone out there feels their life is hindered by asexuality (or limited sexuality) I would be MORE than happy to discuss in more depth. It’s so hard to explain that to people because they just can’t comprehend that you don’t feel what they feel! But I’ve been on both sides of the fence and won’t call you a liar. Unfortunately, my online contact is rather limited over the next few months (and priority goes to Skyping my son and boyfriend), but PM me and I’ll write back when I can.
I wish I had more time to discuss this topic!! Then again, what I wrote is already long enough, lol!
You actually sound more demisexual than asexual
Yes, there are people that have had trauma or otherwise actively make a choice to be asexual - but even then I don't think it's a choice that's necessarily wrong. I have had friends that openly admit they "choose" to be homosexual and I think it's entirely possible to be either BORN that way or simply decide it's a lifestyle they want.
For me it's more about societal awareness and accepting that it's a legitimate lifestyle - something that doesn't need to be "fixed" or seen as "unnatural".0
