Undereating to Overeating
eah95
Posts: 4
Hello everyone,
I'm not 100% sure if this is the correct forum for this topic, but I have a somewhat complex situation regarding food. I'm not an OA member, but I do have problems with eating. This will be a long story, so I understand if you don't have the time or inclination to read and respond.
In December of 2011, I was put on several strong medications for depression and anxiety. The side effects were severe; I slept for hours and hours a day, and, more pertinent to the issue at hand, I barely ate. In a month, I had lost ten pounds. It wasn't intentional at first, but after a while, I decided I liked what was happening to my body. I FELT like a skeleton of a person, barely there, and so it made sense emotionally that I was wasting away physically as well. I had never had major body image problems before, but I'll admit that it felt good to see that number going down, especially since nothing else in life felt good. So I decided to consciously keep losing weight. I started tracking calories, something I'd never cared about before--prior to being put on the meds, I was one of those people who could eat almost anything and gain no weight. I acted like my stomach hurt worse than it did to avoid eating. And because I had already shrunk my stomach so much, there was very little temptation at first to eat more than I wanted to. I lost a total of twenty pounds and then flatlined.
In May, I started running, "for stress relief." This wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either; I was determined to keep the weight off. But once the side effects of the drugs had finally worn off, my appetite started creeping back up towards normal again, and I was no longer satisfied with toddler-sized portions of dinner. Also, the act of restricting my intake had made me painfully aware of what I was denying myself; my relationship with food was no longer neutral. And, like the proverbial forbidden fruit, I became more and more concerned with what I could not allow myself to have. I did manage to maintain my weight over the summer, running every day and eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables throughout the day.
However, once the fall semester started, my schedule got crazy, and it got harder to work out frequently. I would skip breakfast and lunch, and by the time I would get home at 4:00, I was ravenous. My metabolism had considerably slowed from being in starvation mode for so long last spring. I gained weight. I hated myself for it. I wanted to starve myself, but instead I thought about food constantly. I counted calories again but cheated and then gave up.
In December, I started to consider that I had an overeating problem. My mother is a compulsive binge eater. Despite a host of previous weight-loss bids (some of which were temporarily successful), she's about fifty pounds overweight. I am afraid of ending up the same way. So I decided I had had enough. I made a plan to eat three meals a day, with one afternoon snack, and nothing else. I made up a formula (arbitrary, but useful enough) for allowing myself treats: I could only earn desserts etc. through exercise, and the number of calories I'd burned from running had to be at least 1.5 times the calorie content of the treat. It worked pretty well for a while. I would tell myself things like "I do not steal food. I do not eat (fill-in-the-blank)" I started running every day again. The number on the scale didn't change a lot, but it made some slow progress downward, and I felt much better.
And then the holidays pretty much kicked my butt. I am now almost fifteen pounds heavier than I should be, I constantly obsess over what's going in my mouth (or what I wish was), I try to overfeed others in order to assuage my own guilt about my indulgences, and I struggle with accountability. I've been doing better recently; this past week, I saw a number on the scale that scared me into better adherence to an eating plan. But I'm far from perfect. When I lapse, I don't binge eat as much as graze, but I'll cheat myself by eating "insubstantial" amounts of one food...then another....then another.... I don't have a problem with candy, chips, soda, etc., but I could graze indefinitely on things like cereal, nuts, and raisins. I also don't have a problem with going beyond a specific number of food ITEMS; if a serving size is two cookies, I'll only eat two, but I trick myself by thinking that one more little bite of ice cream beyond the half-cup serving size won't hurt anything. And we all know how that ends.
Anyway, people are aware of my undereating problem from last year. For that reason, it's really hard to get support for the OVEReating that has replaced it. I'm not THAT heavy, and I maintain the appearance of eating healthfully. I can't ask for help from people I otherwise trust because they will automatically assume that I am exaggerating or that I'm just obsessed with becoming extremely thin again.
Does anyone else have experience with starting out as an undereater and developing an obsession with food that led to overeating? Any other general advice and/or support would be appreciated. Thank you so much for your time.
I'm not 100% sure if this is the correct forum for this topic, but I have a somewhat complex situation regarding food. I'm not an OA member, but I do have problems with eating. This will be a long story, so I understand if you don't have the time or inclination to read and respond.
In December of 2011, I was put on several strong medications for depression and anxiety. The side effects were severe; I slept for hours and hours a day, and, more pertinent to the issue at hand, I barely ate. In a month, I had lost ten pounds. It wasn't intentional at first, but after a while, I decided I liked what was happening to my body. I FELT like a skeleton of a person, barely there, and so it made sense emotionally that I was wasting away physically as well. I had never had major body image problems before, but I'll admit that it felt good to see that number going down, especially since nothing else in life felt good. So I decided to consciously keep losing weight. I started tracking calories, something I'd never cared about before--prior to being put on the meds, I was one of those people who could eat almost anything and gain no weight. I acted like my stomach hurt worse than it did to avoid eating. And because I had already shrunk my stomach so much, there was very little temptation at first to eat more than I wanted to. I lost a total of twenty pounds and then flatlined.
In May, I started running, "for stress relief." This wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth either; I was determined to keep the weight off. But once the side effects of the drugs had finally worn off, my appetite started creeping back up towards normal again, and I was no longer satisfied with toddler-sized portions of dinner. Also, the act of restricting my intake had made me painfully aware of what I was denying myself; my relationship with food was no longer neutral. And, like the proverbial forbidden fruit, I became more and more concerned with what I could not allow myself to have. I did manage to maintain my weight over the summer, running every day and eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables throughout the day.
However, once the fall semester started, my schedule got crazy, and it got harder to work out frequently. I would skip breakfast and lunch, and by the time I would get home at 4:00, I was ravenous. My metabolism had considerably slowed from being in starvation mode for so long last spring. I gained weight. I hated myself for it. I wanted to starve myself, but instead I thought about food constantly. I counted calories again but cheated and then gave up.
In December, I started to consider that I had an overeating problem. My mother is a compulsive binge eater. Despite a host of previous weight-loss bids (some of which were temporarily successful), she's about fifty pounds overweight. I am afraid of ending up the same way. So I decided I had had enough. I made a plan to eat three meals a day, with one afternoon snack, and nothing else. I made up a formula (arbitrary, but useful enough) for allowing myself treats: I could only earn desserts etc. through exercise, and the number of calories I'd burned from running had to be at least 1.5 times the calorie content of the treat. It worked pretty well for a while. I would tell myself things like "I do not steal food. I do not eat (fill-in-the-blank)" I started running every day again. The number on the scale didn't change a lot, but it made some slow progress downward, and I felt much better.
And then the holidays pretty much kicked my butt. I am now almost fifteen pounds heavier than I should be, I constantly obsess over what's going in my mouth (or what I wish was), I try to overfeed others in order to assuage my own guilt about my indulgences, and I struggle with accountability. I've been doing better recently; this past week, I saw a number on the scale that scared me into better adherence to an eating plan. But I'm far from perfect. When I lapse, I don't binge eat as much as graze, but I'll cheat myself by eating "insubstantial" amounts of one food...then another....then another.... I don't have a problem with candy, chips, soda, etc., but I could graze indefinitely on things like cereal, nuts, and raisins. I also don't have a problem with going beyond a specific number of food ITEMS; if a serving size is two cookies, I'll only eat two, but I trick myself by thinking that one more little bite of ice cream beyond the half-cup serving size won't hurt anything. And we all know how that ends.
Anyway, people are aware of my undereating problem from last year. For that reason, it's really hard to get support for the OVEReating that has replaced it. I'm not THAT heavy, and I maintain the appearance of eating healthfully. I can't ask for help from people I otherwise trust because they will automatically assume that I am exaggerating or that I'm just obsessed with becoming extremely thin again.
Does anyone else have experience with starting out as an undereater and developing an obsession with food that led to overeating? Any other general advice and/or support would be appreciated. Thank you so much for your time.
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Replies
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I have only ever been an overeater, and I do not feel confident enough with OA to truly offer advice. Yet I want to reply that I read your story. Thanks so much for sharing, and I am sorry this is so hard/painful. It does sound like you've found the right place/group. Welcome aboard!0
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i would suggest going to oa meetings, sharing what is going on with you, and getting a sponsor (an oa member who guides and helps you).0
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Sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree with the advice that perhaps an QA meeting might help determine if you are truly a compulsive overeater. I’ve never been an undereater, but I can relate to the obsession.0
