Should I ask him out?

UrbanLotus

Serious advice would help please - sorry this is so long, I want to give you an accurate pic of what has happened so far. I am never an initiator but I am trying to be different since my previous tactics were not working lol. But I am still hesitant .

Met him online, first date was 2 weeks ago - it was AMAZING! Both of us said in our profiles that we are looking for long term relationships. Stupid me went back to his place after (we just made out, but for hours, seriously). Second date was 3 days later - I texted him, came up that it was his birthday the day before so I said I owed him a drink, he said lets do it tonight. Another amazing date, same deal - back to his place and made out. At the end I said I would see him next week when I got back to town (was heading out for a long wknd). He is amazing whenever we talk or hang out, seems so interested in getting to know all about me, we have fun, intellectual convos, etc.

I texted him 2 days later, he emailed me a personality test we had talked about, we emailed back and forth about that and other stuff for a bit. The next day he gchatted me (I hadn't added him, so that was a nice surprise). I went out of town that day, gchatted him when I got back, had a great convo for about 2 hours but no mention of hanging out. That was on Monday and I haven't heard from him since.

I was thinking about texting him tonight asking him to hang out on Saturday - suggest going to a winery since that is something he had wanted to do. I feel kind of stupid doing it since he hasn't contacted me (he has been really busy this week at work since his boss is out of the office, but just a hi or something would have been nice) - but then, what do I have to lose? This is the first guy in years that I have really felt so much chemistry with and feel like he is long term material.

So - yes or no, and why? And what is your take on the situation?

jesusHchris

I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't...

UrbanLotus

I just feel like if he wanted to talk to me or see me, he would initiate . So if he doesn't, he isn't interested.

jesusHchris

You realize you are doing the same thing, right?

UrbanLotus

I know, but I have initiated! In all the interactions since we have met, he initiated once. And he is a GUY, he is supposed to initiate! Okkkkkkkkkk yes, I am trying to break myself of this type of thinking but its hard! The whole - he's just not that into you thing is ingrained in my brain, if the guy likes me he will pursue! Does that honestly not hold true for you? (and other men out there!)

christine24t

Should you ask him out? No...

but I see nothing wrong with dropping a "hey, i hope you're surviving your busy week!" text, which should remind him about you...and then he should take the opportunity to say back, "thank you, i'm trying, would you like to go out together this weekend" etc. You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.

I'm not really for girls asking guys out..but you can certainly push him in the right direction, show interest, etc. But there is nothing wrong with putting out the first contact.

I say this because I have heard time and time again that men will make a move if they are interested, but they might be shy/nervous, etc so you should show them it is okay too!

AnnaPixie

I see absolutely no reason why you wouldn't...

wise words..........from a guy!

As you said yourself, nothing to lose !!

UrbanLotus

Ok, I texted him to start a convo, just asked how his day was - depending on his response I'll ask about Saturday. Any other opinions/takes on the general situation are much appreciated

jesusHchris

Ok, I texted him to start a convo, just asked how his day was - depending on his response I'll ask about Saturday. Any other opinions/takes on the general situation are much appreciated

Find a cool and unique event going on and suggest it. I disagree with Christine and actually am not a huge fan of that attitude and how I portray it playing out in a developing relationship. Indirectness and lack of initiative mixed with the dating "games" that make all of this so confusing. Sorry, Christine!

If he is into you, he will really appreciate the effort. If he is sort of on the fence, this might be the thing to win him over. If not, he will say no and you can put your effort somewhere else. Put some thought into it.

/humble opinion from a very non-expert.

flimflamfloz

You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.

Wow.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that. Unless you really have a big dating pool and your options are almost limitless (very few people).

Back on topic, not sure how many times dates you had, but if it really becomes an issue then maybe talk to him about it at some point... Something along the lines of:
"So... When will you invite me to something YOU want to do? Otherwise we will end up doing only the things I want and I'm not sure it's the best way for me to know more about you."
It makes him feel like a man as you "trust him", he picks the activity so he is proud, and you win as you get to know the kind of activities he would pick (know him more and feel like a woman from time to time).

UrbanLotus

Find a cool and unique event going on and suggest it. I disagree with Christine and actually am not a huge fan of that attitude and how I portray it playing out in a developing relationship. Indirectness and lack of initiative mixed with the dating "games" that make all of this so confusing. Sorry, Christine!

If he is into you, he will really appreciate the effort. If he is sort of on the fence, this might be the thing to win him over. If not, he will say no and you can put your effort somewhere else. Put some thought into it.

/humble opinion from a very non-expert.

Yup, I want to suggest going to wine country (we live pretty close) - he has wanted to do it since he moved here not too long ago, so hopefully he is up for it!

THIS is really great - "If he is into you, he will really appreciate the effort. If he is sort of on the fence, this might be the thing to win him over. If not, he will say no and you can put your effort somewhere else. Put some thought into it." You're right! I used to do the same thing you said Christine, but I'm 33 and single so I figure its time for a different approach . And the men I actually like are soooo few that I do need to up my effort a bit - I just don't want to push too hard or initiate if he is clearly not at all interested.

UrbanLotus

You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.

Wow.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that. Unless you really have a big dating pool and your options are almost limitless (very few people).

Back on topic, not sure how many times dates you had, but if it really becomes an issue then maybe talk to him about it at some point... Something along the lines of:
"So... When will you invite me to something YOU want to do? Otherwise we will end up doing only the things I want and I'm not sure it's the best way for me to know more about you."
It makes him feel like a man as you "trust him", he picks the activity so he is proud, and you win as you get to know the kind of activities he would pick (know him more and feel like a woman from time to time).

Only 2 dates so far! He has made the plans both times so that isn't an issue, its just the whole issue of initiating contact in between you know?

mamacita721

Hello! Its 2013, ask him out. The worst thing that can happen is that he says no.

Why waste time wondering?

christine24t

I disagree with Christine and actually am not a huge fan of that attitude and how I portray it playing out in a developing relationship. Indirectness and lack of initiative mixed with the dating "games" that make all of this so confusing. Sorry, Christine!

That is absolutely fine, no need for apologies! I know my opinion is old fashioned but I stick to it.

Wow.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that. Unless you really have a big dating pool and your options are almost limitless (very few people).

I would absolutely try to initiate contact but if a guy doesn't say anything back I wouldn't keep texting and calling. I would take the hint. Absolutely not. Nothing should be one sided, it should be equal. How many times have you seen or heard about two people where one person is all into the other one and the other doesn't care at all? It should be give and take. If I call or text you and you say nothing back, I'm not going to keep trying.

That is why I say put out a feeler (text, call) but don't go all in on the first try.

I used to do the same thing you said Christine, but I'm 33 and single so I figure its time for a different approach . And the men I actually like are soooo few that I do need to up my effort a bit - I just don't want to push too hard or initiate if he is clearly not at all interested.

That is a great idea to switch it up and I agree. You can give a little push and he can pull, ya know??

UrbanLotus

I would absolutely try to initiate contact but if a guy doesn't say anything back I wouldn't keep texting and calling. I would take the hint. Absolutely not. Nothing should be one sided, it should be equal. How many times have you seen or heard about two people where one person is all into the other one and the other doesn't care at all? It should be give and take. If I call or text you and you say nothing back, I'm not going to keep trying.

Oh you are absolutely right!! Agreed to not go all out on the first text - but he did respond and we have been texting, he asked what I was doing this weekend so then I put it out there. Crossing my fingers!

christine24t

I would absolutely try to initiate contact but if a guy doesn't say anything back I wouldn't keep texting and calling. I would take the hint. Absolutely not. Nothing should be one sided, it should be equal. How many times have you seen or heard about two people where one person is all into the other one and the other doesn't care at all? It should be give and take. If I call or text you and you say nothing back, I'm not going to keep trying.

Oh you are absolutely right!! Agreed to not go all out on the first text - but he did respond and we have been texting, he asked what I was doing this weekend so then I put it out there. Crossing my fingers!

That is great!!

RunIntheMud

I was going to say the same..... to just ask him. Maybe it's been a busy week for him. Maybe he thinks you're not interested, because he hasn't heard from you.

Glad you are texting with him again. Good luck!!

kimad

You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.

Wow.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that. Unless you really have a big dating pool and your options are almost limitless (very few people).

Back on topic, not sure how many times dates you had, but if it really becomes an issue then maybe talk to him about it at some point... Something along the lines of:
"So... When will you invite me to something YOU want to do? Otherwise we will end up doing only the things I want and I'm not sure it's the best way for me to know more about you."
It makes him feel like a man as you "trust him", he picks the activity so he is proud, and you win as you get to know the kind of activities he would pick (know him more and feel like a woman from time to time).

I actually tend to agree with Christine because of my past. It got to the point I had to initiate everything and that felt ****ty after awhile too. So I usually let the guy come to me for awhile and then I am ok to initiate -- dates that is. No problem with feeler texts but usually after date 1 I leave it for the guy to make contact with me first to see where we stand then it is all good. I don't know I am on the fence. One guy I had to do it ALL so makes you wonder how much he liked me but then I just got blindsided by a guy after 5 dates that said he liked more persistent girls. That early on?? Like begging for dates?? I don't get it.

EtA: the persistent girls isn't the blindsided issue. Just something I remember him saying.

kimad

A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??

jesusHchris

Yup, I want to suggest going to wine country (we live pretty close) - he has wanted to do it since he moved here not too long ago, so hopefully he is up for it!

I find it incredibly sexy when a woman has her own opinions and interests. Throw a hobby or two on top of that and it's like striking gold. Wine country sounds like a great idea.

I personally tend to end up with those lacking all of the above.

Good luck to you!

kimad

Yup, I want to suggest going to wine country (we live pretty close) - he has wanted to do it since he moved here not too long ago, so hopefully he is up for it!

I find it incredibly sexy when a woman has her own opinions and interests. Throw a hobby or two on top of that and it's like striking gold. Wine country sounds like a great idea.

I personally tend to end up with those lacking all of the above.

Good luck to you!

Really? I can plan a date like noones business. I enjoy it and the surprises
I guess I am creative with lots of interests/hobbies. yet still single lol

jesusHchris

Really? I can plan a date like noones business. I enjoy it and the surprises
I guess I am creative with lots of interests/hobbies. yet still single lol

Well, it sounds like you have an advantage in the dating world.

meshashesha2012

depends on what you're looking for.

sounds like you've initiated most of the contact. if you're OK with always being the initiator in the relationship then go for it. if you arent then move on.

personally it doesnt seem like he's that that interested or at least not interested enough to ask you out. if it were me i'd move on and leave space in my life for a dude who was more into me enough to initiate some of the dates

meshashesha2012

You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.

Wow.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that.

chemistry doesnt mean anything. not saying that this is the case in this situation, but just because people have good chemistry isn't necessarily any indication they are good for each other.

i'm sure we all know people in toxic relationships who fit together well because one person provides what the other lacks

fullofwhimsy

I like to be "chased" and asked out too. What girl or perhaps human doesn't like that security and control..with no risk of rejection?

But..I think you should ask him out. And initiate until it bugs you to the point of bringing it up or not seeing him anymore. Nothing to lose really.

It is actually a beautiful thing to be someone that is willing to be both brave and vulnerable. Kind of empowering too. Rejection is a part of life, yes...but so is going after something you want and taking chances.

Seize the man..er day!!

dbrightwell1270

A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??

Did you read that in a women's magazine?

flimflamfloz

chemistry doesnt mean anything. not saying that this is the case in this situation, but just because people have good chemistry isn't necessarily any indication they are good for each other.

To go slightly further than you, you're right that chemistry actually doesn't mean anything in that there is no agreed definition on the meaning of it, the word is too "vague" to be usable (I use it as "a mixture of things and feelings that give the impression there is compatibility").
And I agree with you that "good chemistry" doesn't mean that they are good for each other, that is what dates help you find out.
But as long as there is good chemistry, I think it is worth having an extra date. Usual disclaimers apply.

A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??

It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?

Moe4572

As I started to read the thread, I was of the thinking that you should definitely ask him out--you have nothing to lose. It seems that you have been having texts go back and forth (not one sided) pretty consistently except for the last few days, and you did say his boss was out and he told you would be a busy week. I don't think texting him to ask makes you needy or any of the other adjectives people use....I say go for it.....and sounds like you already did

Roadie2000

Serious advice would help please - sorry this is so long, I want to give you an accurate pic of what has happened so far. I am never an initiator but I am trying to be different since my previous tactics were not working lol. But I am still hesitant .

Met him online, first date was 2 weeks ago - it was AMAZING! Both of us said in our profiles that we are looking for long term relationships. Stupid me went back to his place after (we just made out, but for hours, seriously). Second date was 3 days later - I texted him, came up that it was his birthday the day before so I said I owed him a drink, he said lets do it tonight. Another amazing date, same deal - back to his place and made out. At the end I said I would see him next week when I got back to town (was heading out for a long wknd). He is amazing whenever we talk or hang out, seems so interested in getting to know all about me, we have fun, intellectual convos, etc.

I texted him 2 days later, he emailed me a personality test we had talked about, we emailed back and forth about that and other stuff for a bit. The next day he gchatted me (I hadn't added him, so that was a nice surprise). I went out of town that day, gchatted him when I got back, had a great convo for about 2 hours but no mention of hanging out. That was on Monday and I haven't heard from him since.

I was thinking about texting him tonight asking him to hang out on Saturday - suggest going to a winery since that is something he had wanted to do. I feel kind of stupid doing it since he hasn't contacted me (he has been really busy this week at work since his boss is out of the office, but just a hi or something would have been nice) - but then, what do I have to lose? This is the first guy in years that I have really felt so much chemistry with and feel like he is long term material.

So - yes or no, and why? And what is your take on the situation?

I don't understand the question. The two of you went out a couple times and had fun both times, and have chatted since then, but you don't want to ask him out because he hasn't called you enough even though he mentioned he will be really busy all week.

Sounds like he's done everything he can to show he's interested, why be so fickle about who asks out who when you think there is long term potential? He said he had a busy week so cut the guy some slack, he's probably a little preoccupied.

If you want my advice, stop thinking.

dbrightwell1270

In addition to what Roadie said, here is your description of the two dates:

Stupid me went back to his place after (we just made out, but for hours, seriously). Second date was 3 days later - I texted him, came up that it was his birthday the day before so I said I owed him a drink, he said lets do it tonight. Another amazing date, same deal - back to his place and made out.

You've basically blue-balled him twice and he's still talking to you. He's interested.

MissingMinnesota

Relationships should ebb and flow between both people. So go ahead and ask him out. He said he was busy this week. I know when I am busy there are just days I don't want to talk to anyone. He has reached out to you by finding your gchat information so I wouldn't say he wasn't interested. Also would you rather him poof or him tell you no? I think the no is a long shot but that is the worse that can happen.