Should I ask him out?
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Really? I can plan a date like noones business. I enjoy it and the surprises
I guess I am creative with lots of interests/hobbies.
yet still single lol
Well, it sounds like you have an advantage in the dating world. 0 -
depends on what you're looking for.
sounds like you've initiated most of the contact. if you're OK with always being the initiator in the relationship then go for it. if you arent then move on.
personally it doesnt seem like he's that that interested or at least not interested enough to ask you out. if it were me i'd move on and leave space in my life for a dude who was more into me enough to initiate some of the dates0 -
Wow.You get the gist. If he says that back, great. But if he doesn't say anything back to your text, I would consider it gone.
Frankly if you are lucky enough to meet someone with who you have good chemistry, you should try a little harder than that.
chemistry doesnt mean anything. not saying that this is the case in this situation, but just because people have good chemistry isn't necessarily any indication they are good for each other.
i'm sure we all know people in toxic relationships who fit together well because one person provides what the other lacks0 -
I like to be "chased" and asked out too. What girl or perhaps human doesn't like that security and control..with no risk of rejection?
But..I think you should ask him out. And initiate until it bugs you to the point of bringing it up or not seeing him anymore. Nothing to lose really.
It is actually a beautiful thing to be someone that is willing to be both brave and vulnerable. Kind of empowering too. Rejection is a part of life, yes...but so is going after something you want and taking chances.
Seize the man..er day!!0 -
A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
Did you read that in a women's magazine?0 -
To go slightly further than you, you're right that chemistry actually doesn't mean anything in that there is no agreed definition on the meaning of it, the word is too "vague" to be usable (I use it as "a mixture of things and feelings that give the impression there is compatibility").chemistry doesnt mean anything. not saying that this is the case in this situation, but just because people have good chemistry isn't necessarily any indication they are good for each other.
And I agree with you that "good chemistry" doesn't mean that they are good for each other, that is what dates help you find out.
But as long as there is good chemistry, I think it is worth having an extra date. Usual disclaimers apply.
It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?0 -
As I started to read the thread, I was of the thinking that you should definitely ask him out--you have nothing to lose. It seems that you have been having texts go back and forth (not one sided) pretty consistently except for the last few days, and you did say his boss was out and he told you would be a busy week. I don't think texting him to ask makes you needy or any of the other adjectives people use....I say go for it.....and sounds like you already did 0
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I don't understand the question. The two of you went out a couple times and had fun both times, and have chatted since then, but you don't want to ask him out because he hasn't called you enough even though he mentioned he will be really busy all week.Serious advice would help please - sorry this is so long, I want to give you an accurate pic of what has happened so far. I am never an initiator but I am trying to be different since my previous tactics were not working lol. But I am still hesitant
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Met him online, first date was 2 weeks ago - it was AMAZING! Both of us said in our profiles that we are looking for long term relationships. Stupid me went back to his place after (we just made out, but for hours, seriously). Second date was 3 days later - I texted him, came up that it was his birthday the day before so I said I owed him a drink, he said lets do it tonight. Another amazing date, same deal - back to his place and made out. At the end I said I would see him next week when I got back to town (was heading out for a long wknd). He is amazing whenever we talk or hang out, seems so interested in getting to know all about me, we have fun, intellectual convos, etc.
I texted him 2 days later, he emailed me a personality test we had talked about, we emailed back and forth about that and other stuff for a bit. The next day he gchatted me (I hadn't added him, so that was a nice surprise). I went out of town that day, gchatted him when I got back, had a great convo for about 2 hours but no mention of hanging out. That was on Monday and I haven't heard from him since.
I was thinking about texting him tonight asking him to hang out on Saturday - suggest going to a winery since that is something he had wanted to do. I feel kind of stupid doing it since he hasn't contacted me (he has been really busy this week at work since his boss is out of the office, but just a hi or something would have been nice) - but then, what do I have to lose? This is the first guy in years that I have really felt so much chemistry with and feel like he is long term material.
So - yes or no, and why? And what is your take on the situation?
Sounds like he's done everything he can to show he's interested, why be so fickle about who asks out who when you think there is long term potential? He said he had a busy week so cut the guy some slack, he's probably a little preoccupied.
If you want my advice, stop thinking.0 -
In addition to what Roadie said, here is your description of the two dates:Stupid me went back to his place after (we just made out, but for hours, seriously). Second date was 3 days later - I texted him, came up that it was his birthday the day before so I said I owed him a drink, he said lets do it tonight. Another amazing date, same deal - back to his place and made out.
You've basically blue-balled him twice and he's still talking to you. He's interested.0 -
Relationships should ebb and flow between both people. So go ahead and ask him out. He said he was busy this week. I know when I am busy there are just days I don't want to talk to anyone. He has reached out to you by finding your gchat information so I wouldn't say he wasn't interested. Also would you rather him poof or him tell you no? I think the no is a long shot but that is the worse that can happen.0
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DA thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
Did you read that in a women's magazine?
No I actually read alot of relationship books post break up with my kids dad and ones written for both men and women say the same thing. Let the man chase you so you know he is interested.0 -
A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?
Of course not and that's not really what I was asking.
Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
It's too early in the morning for me lol but this is more what I meant.
Obviously if you felt he just hunted and never claimed the prize at some point you would get frustrated and move on. Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.0 -
Ladies,A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?
Of course not and that's not really what I was asking.
Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
It's too early in the morning for me lol but this is more what I meant.
Obviously if you felt he just hunted and never claimed the prize at some point you would get frustrated and move on. Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.
I don't know why you keep dwelling on who chases who. It's not a competition, it's not a game, it's just two people getting to know each other. Bottom line is if we really like you it won't really matter who initiates, we'll just be happy to spend time with you. But we also don't want to come on too strong and scare you away, so when you help us out a little it is appreciated.
It might be true that SOME guys like the chase. But what happens when they catch you? Think about it. They'll probably get bored and move on, you can't play hard to get forever. Is that the kind of guy you really want?0 -
The line is where you want to draw it. It's in the eye of the beholder.Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
The thing is this: if you NEED someone to contact you 5 times a day and speak to you on the phone for 1 hour every day, then you are going to look needy and clingy to someone more independent. But I know a guy who got upset if his date (!) didn't reply within 1-2 hours of him sending a message. He found himself a woman who doesn't mind that (that would annoy me, I'm definitely more independent). They're getting married.
Now if you are asking what is the "optimal level of clinginess" in order to interest a specific type of guy (which type?) or the "average level of clinginess" that most men like, then I could reply to you (maybe).
I guess what is more important to know is what "level of clinginess" you are ready to get or not get from a guy.
Or to be even clearer:
- If the guy is upset and dump you (or is resentful) because you chased (and you felt it was important for you to chase), then clearly he wasn't the right guy for you, was he?
- If you are resentful and dump the guy because he didn't chase enough (and you felt it was important for you that he chased), then clearly he wasn't the right guy for you, was he?
- If you don't mind either way and you feel it is not important who chases who, then why are we even having this conversation?
Sprinkle some "+/- 30%" of tolerance on there and you get yourself a nice working relationship. Simple.
Exactly my point. You need to see how much you are ready to chase the guy and how much you are ready to compromise on that. Then you can even discuss it if things aren't going as you would like to (within reason).Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.
Otherwise... Resentment. Also you will find that you are less ready to compromise on things though if other areas of your relationship are rotting as well.0 -
A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
This is not the right question to ask. There is no brightline about what is acceptable and what is not because it varies not only on the individual's preference, but your compatibility with them.
Think about it. If you weren't interested in a guy, you might get annoyed when he sends you even one text. If you were, that one text would be like drinking water in a desert.
The rest of what I want to say, Flim said very nicely. Pretend I quoted him here cause it was awesome.
But to close up my point - what you need to do is define for yourself what you want out of a relationship, and find someone that has a line pretty close to where YOURS is and find a happy compromise.0 -
I've never understood the need to let the guy initiate everything. My sister plays this game and it drives me crazy. Text him ,if hes busy big woop. Ask him to do something ,,, I may not be the date girl but I'm the queen of the hang out. I'm always asking guys if they wanna come hang out lol....Believe me if he isn't interested its better to find out now so you can move on rather then waiting around staring at your phone......0
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A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
This is not the right question to ask. There is no brightline about what is acceptable and what is not because it varies not only on the individual's preference, but your compatibility with them.
Think about it. If you weren't interested in a guy, you might get annoyed when he sends you even one text. If you were, that one text would be like drinking water in a desert.
The rest of what I want to say, Flim said very nicely. Pretend I quoted him here cause it was awesome.
But to close up my point - what you need to do is define for yourself what you want out of a relationship, and find someone that has a line pretty close to where YOURS is and find a happy compromise.
I actually agree with what you, film, and Roadie have to say.
I was just asking the question, becuase there seems to be so much question around all of this - different people, different sexes, and different 'experts' It's nice to get a male perspective for a change! And the male perspective I got, was not even close to what I expected and was a good 'eye opener' per se.
I know where my line is. I know what I am looking for, and I have yet to find that happy balance. I either have someone laying on too much pressure or not near enough, I haven't found my happy medium. What I am learning is that you can never peg a person either - I learn something new with each person I meet, noone is cookie cutter in the least. So I agree, it's all in what I am comfortable with, and how well I know myself and going with the flow. Whatever is meant to be, will be.0 -
The line is where you want to draw it. It's in the eye of the beholder.
The thing is this: if you NEED someone to contact you 5 times a day and speak to you on the phone for 1 hour every day, then you are going to look needy and clingy to someone more independent. But I know a guy who got upset if his date (!) didn't reply within 1-2 hours of him sending a message. He found himself a woman who doesn't mind that (that would annoy me, I'm definitely more independent). They're getting married.
It's definately finding the balance. I in no way replicate either situations listed above.
Really makes you think about what is ok for you and what is not.0 -
Wow this is a great discussion, thank you for your feedback everyone!
What is interesting (in this thread and in real life) is that men are always saying the chase doesn't matter, women can/should pursue, and women are often the ones saying he isn't interested, leave him alone. All my life I've listened to the women LOL, maybe I should start listening to the men!
I have never been in a situation where I initiated (because I just refused to do it) but I think many of you are right, there is a balance. When I initiate, he is really into it and responsive, so I think thats a good balance (for now anyway.
Update - he asked what I was doing this weekend so I told him my plans and suggested wineries, he said he is out of town visiting his family this weekend, then flying out of the country on sunday for work. Said he would much rather stay here, I suggested a raincheck for wineries and he said "yes please". His texts were sweet and nice, so I think this is good! 0 -
Oh and yes, I'm not at all saying chemistry is the be-all-end-all - we DO have amazing chemistry, but also he is perfect (for me) on paper, we have a lot in common, can talk endlessly, etc. It is very rare that I find both (commonalities + chemistry) in someone - the last time that happened was almost 2 years ago, so that is why I don't want to just let this one go just because he didn't initiate contact. So far, he/our interaction is worth it for me to step out of my comfort zone a little.0
