Deal breakers

kimad

So I got to thinking tonight about my list of deal breakers... for this arguement I only plan to list one, but am curious on some opinions on others.

#1 deal breaker, the person must be divorced. Seperated is not good enough for me. I have been there, done that and I just don't think the person is emotionally available until those papers are signed.

BUT... then I got to thinking about kids and a man's role in their life...

Would you date a man who has kids, but has choosen to leave them in another city, province, or across the entire country for work?
Now I get that in my province of Alberta you can make a crap load of money in oil and gas industry and some take advantage of it, but is it worth it to never see your kids becuase they live in Nova Scotia (or wherever)?. Maybe a couple hours away, but the recent men I am encountering have moved from the east to west coast. But to add to that my next question --- can you ever really trust that this person is actually divorced/available? I mean lets be honest, they could be working up here with a wife and kids back home..... and it would be soooo convenient to get a little relationship on the side, no?

So as I type it I think I have my answer that this would be a deal breaker for me - and only becuase of the kid portion. If you are divorced and have moved here, I would have trust in that, but throwing the kids in the mix leaves big ?? marks.

GO!! what do you think?

ETA: do you know how much stress I am under wondering if I will be picked apart for 'deal breakers' not sure if it is 1 word or 2 :P

RunIntheMud

I agree with your #1 deal breaker. I won't date a man that's separated. There's just a lot of emotions that need to be worked out and finding of one's self after a divorce. And, I know way too many men that started a divorce and then went back to their wives after they both dated a few people in the separation period.

As far as the second question. I would trust that the man was divorced. However, unless he was in the military (where he doesn't have a choice as to where he lives) I would be worried that he chose to move away from his children. I went on a few dates with a soldier and knew that he was getting ready to move about 2 hours away. During our third date we started talking about his future plans with the military. He said that this would be his last move and that after 2 years he would be getting out of the military. Then he says if things were going well with us at that point he would definitely want to move back to Richmond. I was instantly turned off. Why? His kids live in NH. I am flattered that he would want to be with me, but his kids should always be his number one priority.

kimad

I am flattered that he would want to be with me, but his kids should always be his number one priority.

This is what I am struggling with. Yes, in the cases I am mentioning, they can probably provide for them better financially living across the country working in oil and gas....but is the $$ worth giving up seeing them as much as they can? I don't think it is, for me anyways, and I think that leaves big issues for me. I think I have added this to my deal breakers list.

RunIntheMud

I am flattered that he would want to be with me, but his kids should always be his number one priority.

This is what I am struggling with. Yes, in the cases I am mentioning, they can probably provide for them better financially living across the country working in oil and gas....but is the $$ worth giving up seeing them as much as they can? I don't think it is, for me anyways, and I think that leaves big issues for me. I think I have added this to my deal breakers list.

The money would never be worth it for me. I can't imagine not being around my kids. I would work 3 jobs if it meant being near my kids. When we moved out here I was offered a job that paid more, but demanded traveling for one week a month. Even that wasn't worth it because I couldn't even imagine only having 3/4 of a month with them. How a man treats his children definitely says a lot about who he is to me.

kimad

I am flattered that he would want to be with me, but his kids should always be his number one priority.

This is what I am struggling with. Yes, in the cases I am mentioning, they can probably provide for them better financially living across the country working in oil and gas....but is the $$ worth giving up seeing them as much as they can? I don't think it is, for me anyways, and I think that leaves big issues for me. I think I have added this to my deal breakers list.

The money would never be worth it for me. I can't imagine not being around my kids. I would work 3 jobs if it meant being near my kids. When we moved out here I was offered a job that paid more, but demanded traveling for one week a month. Even that wasn't worth it because I couldn't even imagine only having 3/4 of a month with them. How a man treats his children definitely says a lot about who he is to me.

I totally agree, and from the bit I know about you their father is about 5 hours away? So for you to also leave for a week would be hard on them. My kid's dad is a long distance truck driver and he can be gone a week or two, but he is around alot when he is home. He loves them alot and I don't think he would ever pack up and move.... and I wouldn't either, becuase I respect we both need our relationships with them.

Funny comment from one of them though (he let their mom take them across Canada after they split) 'I'd rather it be tougher on me, than on the kids' I felt like saying 'buddy you have no idea how tough it is on them, just becuase you are the one here sacrificing letting them leave, they suffer the most' but I kept my mouth shut.

RunIntheMud

I totally agree, and from the bit I know about you their father is about 5 hours away? So for you to also leave for a week would be hard on them. My kid's dad is a long distance truck driver and he can be gone a week or two, but he is around alot when he is home. He loves them alot and I don't think he would ever pack up and move.... and I wouldn't either, becuase I respect we both need our relationships with them.

Funny comment from one of them though (he let their mom take them across Canada after they split) 'I'd rather it be tougher on me, than on the kids' I felt like saying 'buddy you have no idea how tough it is on them, just becuase you are the one here sacrificing letting them leave, they suffer the most' but I kept my mouth shut.

Their dad is about 12 hours away and we don't have any family in the area, so it definitely would be a bad thing for me to be gone so much.

You know, my ex has made so comments that are similar...he's even recommended splitting the kids. That one killed me. I told him that there was no way in hell I'd ever split them up. That was just his way of trying to get out of child support anyway.....It drives me crazy because I know wonderful men that would kill to have their kids all of the time and then there are the exceptions that are just so horrible.

cheerforsteelers

While I don't have kids, I would agree that the father should make an attempt to be near his child(ren). The mother as well if the roles were reversed. I will also not date a man who is not fully divorced. I agree with this.

I guess one of my deal breakers is a heavy drinker. I come from a family of alcoholics, which doesn't mean I automatically don't drink or that I suspect everyone who drinks may have a problem.

nolachick

are we talking about listing our deal breakers or discussing yours? lol

i agree he must be divorced not separated. Honestly I would like someone who has never been married or has kids because I would like to be the first (and only) wife and have the first child. It would be more special.. I've never dated a divorcee but not opposed to it.

my deal breakers are smoking, excessive drinking, someone who doesn't believe in family.

flimflamfloz

GO!! what do you think?

That they are bad deal breakers if you won't accept to listen to what the person sitting in front of you has to say. Life doesn't always fill your predetermined boxes, so It should always be on a case by case basis.
You've apparently created your own reasons based on your own experience why these are "absolute deal breakers", but don't you think things can be a little bit more complex than this?

- Divorced:
I don't know how long it takes in the US to get the divorce paper signed, but for a variety of reasons it can take a lot more than a year in the UK.
I believe that someone can be emotionally available after a year. In fact perhaps day one after the separation if the marriage was already dead for months before the partners made the separation official.

- Children:
It might be a deal breaker for you that this person left a 17 y.o. and a 18 y.o. behind, but for me it wouldn't be though.

- Is he really divorced/available?
Maybe yes, maybe no. He could be anything.

Surprisingly, then, I would find the "he is not tall enough" deal breaker actually more valid than these. There can't be any other reasons why the person isn't tall enough that... he is not tall enough.

MissingMinnesota

GO!! what do you think?

- Divorced:
I don't know how long it takes in the US to get the divorce paper signed, but for a variety of reasons it can take a lot more than a year in the UK.
I believe that someone can be emotionally available after a year. In fact perhaps day one after the separation if the marriage was already dead for months before the partners made the separation official.

It depends on the state. Some states have no waiting time and some require you to be separated for a year. My state requires the year but most people that truly know they want to be divorced find ways to get around not being separated for a year. In most cases unless someone is going through a nasty divorce most people will not be "separated" for long than a year. I have known too many couples that were separated and tried "to work it out one more time" that I don't mess with separated men.

- Children:
It might be a deal breaker for you that this person left a 17 y.o. and a 18 y.o. behind, but for me it wouldn't be though.

I agree it depends on the age of the children and their total situation.

- Is he really divorced/available?
Maybe yes, maybe no. He could be anything.

Again agree every situation is different but legally they are single.

Surprisingly, then, I would find the "he is not tall enough" deal breaker actually more valid than these. There can't be any other reasons why the person isn't tall enough that... he is not tall enough.

[/quote]

I was recently talking to some girls that not having a car in a town that isn't a mass transit town is a deal breaker for me since I live in the burbs but I have a friend that is engaged to a guy when they first started dating he had a DUI and couldn't drive. He was changing his life around and had been sober for more than a year and in law school. He is an awesome guy but I would have passed him by because of the car.

kimad

GO!! what do you think?

That they are bad deal breakers if you won't accept to listen to what the person sitting in front of you has to say. Life doesn't always fill your predetermined boxes, so It should always be on a case by case basis.
You've apparently created your own reasons based on your own experience why these are "absolute deal breakers", but don't you think things can be a little bit more complex than this?

- Divorced:
I don't know how long it takes in the US to get the divorce paper signed, but for a variety of reasons it can take a lot more than a year in the UK.
I believe that someone can be emotionally available after a year. In fact perhaps day one after the separation if the marriage was already dead for months before the partners made the separation official.

- Children:
It might be a deal breaker for you that this person left a 17 y.o. and a 18 y.o. behind, but for me it wouldn't be though.

- Is he really divorced/available?
Maybe yes, maybe no. He could be anything.

Surprisingly, then, I would find the "he is not tall enough" deal breaker actually more valid than these. There can't be any other reasons why the person isn't tall enough that... he is not tall enough.

The men I have encountered have young kids. Youngest being 1. The teenager thing is different I agree.

I am in Canada and you have to separated for attest a year. I was with my kids dad for 8.5 years, 7 of them he was getting divorced from another. That's in a huge way why it's a deal breaker for me. I have also heard of people later on trying to work it out. I guess for me not only do they have all that emotional issue until its done but if it drags out for years (my 2 experiences with separated men) they can't be available for more with you even if they wanted too.

I was just asking opinions ... I know life doesn't fit in predetermined boxes.

BringingSherriBack

Yeah I think a father should try to be near his kids and as involved as he can be. It would totally be a deal breaker for me if he wasn't and had no intentions to be. I mean if he can't be a father to his own kids, how could I expect him to be a father type figure to my child?

kimad

While I don't have kids, I would agree that the father should make an attempt to be near his child(ren). The mother as well if the roles were reversed. I will also not date a man who is not fully divorced. I agree with this.

I guess one of my deal breakers is a heavy drinker. I come from a family of alcoholics, which doesn't mean I automatically don't drink or that I suspect everyone who drinks may have a problem.

My kids dad was a huge alcoholic. I looked past it until it started affecting our family life. And it did so in huge ways (ie him checking out for weeks and just vanishing) so heavy drinking is one of mine too. And a gambling addiction. Lol my life experiences.

kimad

I totally agree, and from the bit I know about you their father is about 5 hours away? So for you to also leave for a week would be hard on them. My kid's dad is a long distance truck driver and he can be gone a week or two, but he is around alot when he is home. He loves them alot and I don't think he would ever pack up and move.... and I wouldn't either, becuase I respect we both need our relationships with them.

Funny comment from one of them though (he let their mom take them across Canada after they split) 'I'd rather it be tougher on me, than on the kids' I felt like saying 'buddy you have no idea how tough it is on them, just becuase you are the one here sacrificing letting them leave, they suffer the most' but I kept my mouth shut.

Their dad is about 12 hours away and we don't have any family in the area, so it definitely would be a bad thing for me to be gone so much.

You know, my ex has made so comments that are similar...he's even recommended splitting the kids. That one killed me. I told him that there was no way in hell I'd ever split them up. That was just his way of trying to get out of child support anyway.....It drives me crazy because I know wonderful men that would kill to have their kids all of the time and then there are the exceptions that are just so horrible.

Sorry 12 hours. He suggested you split up this kids? There is someone clearly not thinking straight.
I've had friends whose daddy badly had never once seen the child come out of nowhere asking for 100% custody to avid child support lol. Guess they don't realize just how much kids cost.

SherryR1971

I disagree with the emotional availability/closure if the papers aren't signed...my "husband" moved to Washington State, I am in Virginia. Before I can even get legally separated, I have to have both parties sign a Property Settlement form (even though we owned no property together nor did we have any children together). I can't have him sign it if he won't tell me where he is to send it. So to get officially divorced, I have to hire a lawyer I can't afford right now. In my case, I am through (was before he moved out to be honest), I am over the relationship, I just can't get the official paperwork to prove it yet!!

Prahasaurus

1. Smoker

2. Racist

3. Overly religious

4. Doesn't drink alcohol at all, not even an occasional glass of wine


--P

dbrightwell1270

I dated one woman who was seperated and I'll never do it again. As far as moving away from his kids, my uncle divorced when my cousins were around 10 and 12. He moved three hours away. He made the drive every other weekend to their mom's house and either brought them back to his place, took them to our grandparent's house or stayed in town and did things there. When the oldest could drive, my uncle bought him a car so he could do some of the driving.

I think you need to take a look at the signs and not make broad statements that living X hours away from the kids automatically means disinterested father. There was a hell of a lot of effort on my uncle's part. He certainly isn't a self-absobed hedonist. About a year after his divorce, he met his second wife. They dated about 2 years before marrying and have been together for about the last 30 years.

fullofwhimsy

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self absorbed hedonist. I'm my own deal breaker.


But seriously folks.. for me the official divorce and close proximity to children not required. There are all kinds of situations. I know a bunch of single dads who live in a different province than their kids because SHE picked up and moved. Was he supposed to simply follow and give up his life and career based on her whim? No..they make it work...but these dads are sad about the situation.

My deal breakers are smokers, any alcohol, gambling, or drug addictions, serious mental health challenges, racist, very religious, and maybe vegetarians.

SherryR1971

My deal breakers are drugs, racism, alcoholism, and having a mommy complex...

Roadie2000

My only real deal breaker is she can't be a raging psycho b**ch. Been there, done that too many times. I guess she can't be a crack *kitten* either, not that I've dated one, I'm just assuming it would bug me after a while.

nolachick

My only real deal breaker is she can't be a raging psycho b**ch. Been there, done that too many times. I guess she can't be a crack *kitten* either, not that I've dated one, I'm just assuming it would bug me after a while.

sound like psycho b*tch was your type for a while if you had to go through it too many times to realize you don't like it. :laugh: