How much is too much talking when first meeting....

kimad

So I got to thinking about this after the 'poofing' topic came up.

How much is too much phone talking/texting/emailing when you first meet someone?

With texting in today's day and age, it makes it so easy to talk to someone all day long if you wanted. You obvisously can't call that much nor see them that much, but you could potentially spend your whole day talking to them.
I am starting to realize that this can give a false sense of a 'relationship' or 'courtship' further along than it really is.

I used to chat in text whenever I had time, and I didn't think anything of it, but I found with the last guy I dated (1 month, 5 dates) that it's almost like we created something in text that may not have progressed that far in real life.....So I went on a new date Saturday, and this guy texts me alot. I will only text when I have time (ie, not at work, at the gym, with friends, etc.) but realistically I could text him each night for hours - I am not sure this is ok, but I have been very conscious to limit what is talked about in said texts or phone calls. So last night I kinda just said 'I have alot to do tonight, I am going to say good night now'.

Just got me to thinking what is too much texting/emailing/calling when you are still in the courtship/dating phase?

fullofwhimsy

I HATE TEXTING.

With online dating.. I figure a few messages back and forth or a few texts and then a phone conversation (which I insist on before meeting because I can generally know from the call how a date would go)..and then a meeting - whether that be coffee, a drink or more.

With my last boyfriend (who I met in person), we couldn't get together for 2 weeks for our first date because of sickness and schedules. We ended up having long phone conversations perhaps every 2-3 nights and learned a lot about each other that way.
Minimal texts - more just nice wishes for a good day than a full fledged conversation type stuff

Personally I can't see how texting a lot is a good thing. It provides that little burst of attention and knowledge that someone is thinking about you..but you literally don't have to put any effort into seeing each other or getting any deeper than a couple sentences at a time. I think it can make people lazy and just keep others around because it is attention, and not because they are interested in an actual relationship with the other person. I know my friend who online dates and texts incessantly has been in this situation a million times.

kimad

I HATE TEXTING.

With online dating.. I figure a few messages back and forth or a few texts and then a phone conversation (which I insist on before meeting because I can generally know from the call how a date would go)..and then a meeting - whether that be coffee, a drink or more.

With my last boyfriend (who I met in person), we couldn't get together for 2 weeks for our first date because of sickness and schedules. We ended up having long phone conversations perhaps every 2-3 nights and learned a lot about each other that way.
Minimal texts - more just nice wishes for a good day than a full fledged conversation type stuff

Personally I can't see how texting a lot is a good thing. It provides that little burst of attention and knowledge that someone is thinking about you..but you literally don't have to put any effort into seeing each other or getting any deeper than a couple sentences at a time. I think it can make people lazy and just keep others around because it is attention, and not because they are interested in an actual relationship with the other person. I know my friend who online dates and texts incessantly has been in this situation a million times.

While I agree with this 100%, it's not really the direction I was going with the question.
I in no way mean to text rather than phone calls or meetings.... I just meant the inbetween time of your dates.
So let's say you see eachother once a week, is it ok to text/phone chat a couple hours each day inbetween those dates?
I try to get a mix of texting and phone calls, but when you just meet someone is everyday too much?

That's more what I meant.

ItsCasey

I don't have a problem with talking on the phone early on. For busy people who only see each other once a week or so, a phone call is a nice way to stay in touch between dates until you reach the point of knowing you want to make more time for each other.

But I am turned off by guys who try to communicate almost exclusively via text message. Brief, matter-of-fact things like "I'm running 10 minutes late" or asking a quick question via text are fine. Good morning/goodnight texts are fine. But, for me, an actual conversation requires a phone call. I think it's too easy with the texting and emailing and chatting to forget that your words and actions carry a lot of meaning. It can also be difficult to determine the tone and intent of a text message (or the absence of a text message) when it's coming from someone you don't know very well yet. And let's be honest, if I like you, I want to hear your voice.

But everyone is different. I think the key is consistency. If you have been texting back and forth with someone for days on end and you suddenly stop because you realize you haven't actually spoken to him in a week and this is your passive aggressive way of trying to get him to call you, drama is going to ensue. Establish your expectations, whatever they are, as soon as possible, and then stick to them.

kimad

I don't have a problem with talking on the phone early on. For busy people who only see each other once a week or so, a phone call is a nice way to stay in touch between dates until you reach the point of knowing you want to make more time for each other.

But I am turned off by guys who try to communicate almost exclusively via text message. Brief, matter-of-fact things like "I'm running 10 minutes late" or asking a quick question via text are fine. Good morning/goodnight texts are fine. But, for me, an actual conversation requires a phone call. I think it's too easy with the texting and emailing and chatting to forget that your words and actions carry a lot of meaning. It can also be difficult to determine the tone and intent of a text message (or the absence of a text message) when it's coming from someone you don't know very well yet. And let's be honest, if I like you, I want to hear your voice.

But everyone is different. I think the key is consistency. If you have been texting back and forth with someone for days on end and you suddenly stop because you realize you haven't actually spoken to him in a week and this is your passive aggressive way of trying to get him to call you, drama is going to ensue. Establish your expectations, whatever they are, as soon as possible, and then stick to them.

I also agree... I dated my cell phone once and swore I would never do it again. I don't insist each time we talk is phone over text, but I try to get a mix. I also realize, and have gotten better at saying 'this isn't ok to have in text, why don't you call me'.

I just really meant is talking to someone EVERYDAY while only knowing them for 1 or 2 actual dates too much?

ItsCasey

I try to get a mix of texting and phone calls, but when you just meet someone is everyday too much?

For me personally, the all-day texting/emailing would be too much. If we just met, all you need to know about what I'm doing in the middle of a weekday is that I'm at work. But I am that woman who likes to retain a bit of mystery and who prefers men who do the same thing. I am more intrigued by a guy whose life unfolds a bit at a time for me than "We just met, and I already know your entire life story because we talk all day, every day."

kimad

I try to get a mix of texting and phone calls, but when you just meet someone is everyday too much?

For me personally, the all-day texting/emailing would be too much. If we just met, all you need to know about what I'm doing in the middle of a weekday is that I'm at work. But I am that woman who likes to retain a bit of mystery and who prefers men who do the same thing. I am more intrigued by a guy whose life unfolds a bit at a time for me than "We just met, and I already know your entire life story because we talk all day, every day."

I am really starting to realize this myself, and that is why last night I said 'I have alot to do tonight, I am just going to say good night now' or whatever I said. I don't feel it is ok to 'ignore' a text, but hope my response was appropriate.
ETA: I have no issues doing my own thing time wise - ie I won't see a guy 7 days a week - but the communication part via text/phone/email makes it a little trickier.

RunIntheMud

I think it really depends on the person and how interested you are in them.

My general rule of thumb is that I will go text for text. I won't drown a man in texts and if he drowns me in them, I tend to get scared. If I have time to respond, I will. If I don't I'll respond when I can and let him know I was in a meeting, playing with the kids, etc. A sure fire way to lose my attention is to get mad at me for not responding "right away". We both have lives and I'm not going to drop everything for some guy I just met.

I don't mind texts because it's really hard to talk on the phone more than 10 minutes when the kids are awake. Talking on the phone is fine after the kids are in bed, but not for hours every night. My thought is if he wanted to do that, we should have gone out or met at one or the other's house.

kimad

My general rule of thumb is that I will go text for text. I won't drown a man in texts and if he drowns me in them, I tend to get scared. If I have time to respond, I will. If I don't I'll respond when I can and let him know I was in a meeting, playing with the kids, etc. A sure fire way to lose my attention is to get mad at me for not responding "right away". We both have lives and I'm not going to drop everything for some guy I just met.

This is basically my rule, and I honestly never initiate a text either.... Once we have dated more, then I have no problem, but VERY early on, I only response to theirs.

RunIntheMud

I am really starting to realize this myself, and that is why last night I said 'I have alot to do tonight, I am just going to say good night now' or whatever I said. I don't feel it is ok to 'ignore' a text, but hope my response was appropriate.

I agree with not ignoring a text. One of my pet peeves is when someone drops off in the middle of a text conversation. I understand when you get a phone call or have to go do something, but come back and say it later...

poncho33

get one reply to one, get one reply to one.... this way you don't overwhelm.

ItsCasey

I agree, I would not ignore a text, but I have no problem shutting it down in a polite way, as you did. If a guy is going to get his feelings hurt over you responding in that way, then he's probably too high-maintenance.

I'm "getting to know" a guy right now. We are taking things slowly, which is what I want because I just got out of a relationship a month ago, and I'm in no hurry to jump right into another one. We only text each other for quick things, like confirming plans. When I want to talk to him, I call him, and vice versa, and it generally results in a real conversation about things that matter. It feels much more like two grown people establishing a relationship and not so much like two teenagers who have nothing better to do than tap out silly messages on their phones all day.

UrbanLotus

So I got to thinking about this after the 'poofing' topic came up.

How much is too much phone talking/texting/emailing when you first meet someone?

With texting in today's day and age, it makes it so easy to talk to someone all day long if you wanted. You obvisously can't call that much nor see them that much, but you could potentially spend your whole day talking to them.
I am starting to realize that this can give a false sense of a 'relationship' or 'courtship' further along than it really is.

I used to chat in text whenever I had time, and I didn't think anything of it, but I found with the last guy I dated (1 month, 5 dates) that it's almost like we created something in text that may not have progressed that far in real life.....So I went on a new date Saturday, and this guy texts me alot. I will only text when I have time (ie, not at work, at the gym, with friends, etc.) but realistically I could text him each night for hours - I am not sure this is ok, but I have been very conscious to limit what is talked about in said texts or phone calls. So last night I kinda just said 'I have alot to do tonight, I am going to say good night now'.

Just got me to thinking what is too much texting/emailing/calling when you are still in the courtship/dating phase?

This was actually part of my whole "revamping my dating strategy" thing (just posted about it in the status thread) - I have stopped doign the texting/gchat all day thing, I have come to realize it builds up a fantasy relationship, and like you said, give a false sense of relationship. So nowdays, I tell the guys up front that I'm not a big texted, and try not to really get into "text conversations" - like if they just say "hi", I'm not responding till I have something real to say. I think this applies in your situation too - a few texts of substance here and there between dates is cool, but no more than that.

kimad

get one reply to one, get one reply to one.... this way you don't overwhelm.

I am very one to one ... my question wasn't about overwhelming, I let the man initiate.
I just mean, is it ok to text/phone chat for 3 hours each night before you have established anything? I mean I wouldn't see him everyday, so should I talk everyday?

christine24t

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

julesboots

I texted a lot (substantive content) with someone I dated about a year ago, and in hindsight- totally bad idea. It ended up creating a weird structure to our communication that wasn't natural, and then we felt locked into it. We broke up and started seeing each other again months later; texts were a lot fewer, and a way to keep momentum and connection instead of a real mode of communication. Waaaay better.

julesboots

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

Totally agree with this. 3 hours would be a big red flag on fire screaming "needy" or "vampire".

kimad

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

Maybe 3 hours was a bad example, but if you respond to EVERY text the guy sends you, yes you can be on the texts for awhile. That is why I am asking this question, last night I cut it off becuase I felt it was too much. I find this is to be common among ALL people I have met - lots of texting. I usually don't push for the phone chats until I have went out with them a few times. I like a mix myself, but even phone calls can last an hour to two.

So I was just curious what was 'normal' or 'ok' becuase with texting you can get caught up.

Also, as a single parent you can't always just say 'hey lets meet up instead of texting' not that easy for us.

kimad

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

Totally agree with this. 3 hours would be a big red flag on fire screaming "needy" or "vampire".

LOL I am not asking this becuase I am needy or worried about being so, I am asking this becuase I am finding I don't have enough time to respond to all the texts these guys are sending me, and wondered what was normal.

christine24t

Maybe 3 hours was a bad example, but if you respond to EVERY text the guy sends you, yes you can be on the texts for awhile. That is why I am asking this question, last night I cut it off becuase I felt it was too much. I find this is to be common among ALL people I have met - lots of texting. I usually don't push for the phone chats until I have went out with them a few times. I like a mix myself, but even phone calls can last an hour to two.

So I was just curious what was 'normal' or 'ok' becuase with texting you can get caught up.

Also, as a single parent you can't always just say 'hey lets meet up instead of texting' not that easy for us.

Yes, if you frequently respond, it can take a long time. And yes, sorry, if you have kids it's obviously different...but still, you could stop the phone conversations, use that time to take care of what needs to be done with the kids and house, and put that time toward a in-person physical conversation (aka a date!)

Here is what I think of online dating - a great way to meet people, but you should take it offline as soon as possible and keep it offline (both online and on the telephone line). I talk to my friends via text occasionally but certainly try to meet up 1-2x/month. The in person conversations are much more memorable and better for the friendship than texting will ever be.

fullofwhimsy

Meh.. I can be intense. If the conversation was good and I was connecting with someone there is nothing stopping me from an all night chat. Oh, I have I mentioned I completely freak most/all men out? LOL
But life is too short for me to play by the rules... and honestly it weeds out people who I am not compatible with nearly instantly!

I don't NEED men and I don't want to consume their souls (well maybe a little..souleater would be a cool nickname, right?).. I just have no major barriers when it comes to really good and deep connection and verbal/emotional/physical intimacy.

Having said that - I am fussy about who this happens with and even with them rarely initiate texts or phone calls.

I don't think there is a right or wrong on this one - do what is comfortable for you.

julesboots

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

Totally agree with this. 3 hours would be a big red flag on fire screaming "needy" or "vampire".

LOL I am not asking this becuase I am needy or worried about being so, I am asking this becuase I am finding I don't have enough time to respond to all the texts these guys are sending me, and wondered what was normal.

Oh no- I'm not trying to call you out as needy : )
I think your post implied that you didn't want to text this much, and you were trying to feel out what other people's limits were.

Moe4572

^ Three hours? I think that is a lot of chat time...if that was me, I'd be overwhelmed.

Before you meet - I would say a few internet chats is okay, but there should be a PERSONAL connection forged, not one over writing via your phone or computer. Ideally, I would say a couple of days of internet chatting is okay but then someone needs to say, "I'd like to meet you in person."

After you meet - I say a couple of "hello, how is your day?" texts are good...but hours long conversations via phone or computer are not needed. Again, if you both have two or three hours to chat on the phone, how about you each drive and meet up and have one hour of good live conversation?? It's not the amount of time, but the quality of the time.

Sometimes it is not convenient or feasible to meet right away...schedules and life get in the way. The guy I have been talking to has a 6 year old daughter and he is a widower with his family not close by so easiest right now is IMing...........and I am ok with that for right now. We have discussed meeting and both are eager to do so, but with my work/school schedule and his daughter/school schedule we won't be able to meet for at least another week--so we do what we have to........

It totally just depends on the people involved and what they are comfortable with........

ItsCasey

Sometimes it is not convenient or feasible to meet right away...schedules and life get in the way.

You know why I don't buy this? Because love and relationships ARE life! It should be PART of your schedule, not something that screws up your schedule. If a guy says to me "Life is just getting in the way right now," I'm thinking "Oh, so dating me is a chore to be put off and not a priority."

There's only so long you're going to allow "life" to get in the way if you really like someone and you are actually looking for a relationship. I would say if you have time to chat people up on the computer every night but you don't have time to meet them face-to-face, you're just looking for someone to talk to, not someone to have a relationship with.

I admit that I don't understand the added complications of being a single parent because I am not one. However, we all have things in our lives that become convenient excuses when we're not feeling someone. If it's not "I don't have anyone to watch the kids," it's "Work is really stressful right now." I'm not saying it's always a lie; I'm just saying we're more willing to find a way around the obstacles for people we really like.

UrbanLotus

Sometimes it is not convenient or feasible to meet right away...schedules and life get in the way.

You know why I don't buy this? Because love and relationships ARE life! It should be PART of your schedule, not something that screws up your schedule. If a guy says to me "Life is just getting in the way right now," I'm thinking "Oh, so dating me is a chore to be put off and not a priority."

There's only so long you're going to allow "life" to get in the way if you really like someone and you are actually looking for a relationship. I would say if you have time to chat people up on the computer every night but you don't have time to meet them face-to-face, you're just looking for someone to talk to, not someone to have a relationship with.
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Sorry but I totally disagree - I haven't had time to meet people for a few weeks and its totally normal! Weekdays are often hard because traffic in my area is crazy, and people can easily live 1-2 hours away, and most office-types (myself included) work late or have activities after work. Weekends are always packed, or people travel out of town etc. I have definitely put off meeting people for a week or 2, and not at all because its not a priority, but because it IS hard to work things in your schedule, and you shouldn't change your schedule/drop your life for someone you haven't even met yet.

yoovie

I dont think it's about how much talking or not talking - i think the problem is when you lose your ability to be aware of what the other person is diggin.

Be aware of social cues instead of letting nervousness, excitement or selfish desire to overwhelm you so much that you cant tell if the other person is just as interested or not.

ItsCasey

Nobody is talking about dropping your life or canceling important plans! I'm talking about this "I know we text all day and talk on the computer all night, but please believe that I have no time to actually meet you in person," crap. A drink or a cup of coffee takes 20 minutes. And if you don't have time to date someone who lives an hour away, then stop talking to people who live an hour away.

I have a full-time job. I work out 5 days a week after work. I am studying for the CPA exam at night. I travel a lot for work and for personal reasons (my friends and family are flung far and wide). I am doing a million things every day other than sitting at home waiting for someone to call me and ask me out. I still miraculously find time to date guys I really like ... and not so much time for the ones I don't.

Unless there's a family emergency or you've just been laid off and are frantically searching for a new job, I'm not interested in why you don't have time to meet up with me. Relationships are hard. They take a lot of effort. Everyone has run-of-the-mill crap to deal with on a daily basis. If you can't manage all of that and still make time for socializing, then you can't manage a relationship.

yoovie

If someone is really into you they will make time for you.

poncho33

get one reply to one, get one reply to one.... this way you don't overwhelm.

I am very one to one ... my question wasn't about overwhelming, I let the man initiate.
I just mean, is it ok to text/phone chat for 3 hours each night before you have established anything? I mean I wouldn't see him everyday, so should I talk everyday?

I guess if its one to one why not... however I'd question if I was making the best use of my time!! 3 hours is a lot.

poncho33

If someone is really into you they will make time for you.

I agree, but what one person thinks is making time another may think is lack of effort.

UrbanLotus

And if you don't have time to date someone who lives an hour away, then stop talking to people who live an hour away.

LOL I live in DC - people who live 4 miles away take over an hour to get to on weeknights. It is nearly impossible to meet up with people on weeknights unless you live or work very close - different situation from where you live, thats cool. But not everyone is in the same situation. And I'm not talking about dating - just about the very first meeting. If we are dating and I like you, sure, I'll squeeze you in even if I have to drive over an hour. But for a first meeting, for a 20 min cup of coffee? We can wait till it convenient. Doesn't mean I don't want to meet you or don't have time to date.