How much is too much talking when first meeting....
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For me, it's pretty simple. If we live within 30 minutes of each other and I don't see you face-to-face at least once a week (in the beginning), you are not interested in me.
I may have a different view of it because I've been in long-distance relationships my whole adult life, and I know what happens when you try to build a relationship with someone you never see. But I think spending time together in person is very important to the "getting to know you" process.
You know why it feels like you're building a fantasy relationship when all your communication is via texting or chatting or emailing? Because you can be anyone you want when the other person can't see you and when you have time to sit and think about what to say next. It's not natural, and it's invariably not the same as sitting next to or across from another human being and having all these other cues, from tone of voice to body language to eye contact. When someone has come into your life and you're really excited about that person, you make plans to see them. If you're willing to play it by ear and see if a day opens up next week, that should be a clear indicator that you're not into it.0 -
I guess DM is not around this board anymore, but he used to make a valid point about people who have been out of the dating game for a while (either because they were in a relationship or they just didn't want to date): they forget how much work it takes to establish a relationship with someone. It doesn't happen by accident. It doesn't happen when you have time for it. It happens because you decide to take action and make it happen.0
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When someone has come into your life and you're really excited about that person, you make plans to see them. If you're willing to play it by ear and see if a day opens up next week, that should be a clear indicator that you're not into it.
Again, I'm talking about the FIRST meeting with someone you have talked to online. I wouldn't be really excited about anyone I haven't met yet, I don't care if he is Prince Charming!0 -
shrug. If a man is into you, you won't have to wonder.0
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when you are talking to a single parent, it is a lot easier for them to get their children down and talk on the computer or phone at 9 pm .....not feasible to get a babysitter and go out at that hour. And, I agree on the point that ONCE YOU HAVE MET.......then if they are interested,t hey will make time---but before that--you may have to work with them a little.0
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I realized that one of the biggest mistakes I would make with online dating is that I wanted to "get to know them" before meeting them in person. While this did help me eliminate a lot of potential bad matches, it also lead to developing a fantasy ideal of someone and when we finally did meet I would just be let down by who they were in person (usually). Then it was even harder to tell them I was no longer interested. I resolved to meet people earlier on in the process but then I just decided dating wasn't enough of a priority for me to bother with right now and never experimented with that.
That being said - once a relationship IS established I prefer most communication to be via text or email, for multiple reasons. One being, I have an audio processing disorder. Hearing people over the phone is difficult and is both embarrassing and frustrating for both parties involved. Then there's convenience - I can do other things while texting/emailing. I can read and check messages between chapters. I can do homework. Clean. Go for a run. So while I'm totally down for scheduling actual meetings, when it comes to communication between those times I will text.
I also do not worry about text communication. If I send a message and he doesn't respond, I assume he's busy. If he sends a message and I'm busy, I respond when I get a moment. I don't stress about what to say to him when, I just say things when it seems like something worth having a conversation over.
Then again, the person I'm most interested in right now lives nowhere close to me which is unfamiliar territory. So I'm just doing what comes naturally and seeing where it goes. Our communication is exclusively through messages and we won't even be able to meet in person for at least a few more months. So messaging constantly will do for now
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I don't see why it makes a difference whether it's the first meeting or the second. I'm just not going to talk to a guy on the phone or Internet for weeks, under the guise that we're both the busiest people who ever lived. I actually think it's worse to postpone the first meeting because you are giving yourself permission to get caught up in these virtual personalities.
I understand that sometimes the timing is just not good. About a year ago, I met a guy on MFP who lived in Austin. He wanted to meet up, but he was going out of town on vacation for a week. The next week, I was going out of town on business. By the time we were both back in Austin, each of us had met someone else. No harm, no foul. But if that sort of thing happens every time you meet a new guy, I don't think it's your schedule that is the problem.
Maybe a widower with a young child can't go out at 9 PM, but has there seriously not been a day since the two of you started talking that he could've met you while his daughter was at school or daycare or wherever she is when he's working?0 -
But if that sort of thing happens every time you meet a new guy, I don't think it's your schedule that is the problem.
Wow, you are really assuming a lot here. Not cool.0 -
I don't see why it makes a difference whether it's the first meeting or the second. I'm just not going to talk to a guy on the phone or Internet for weeks, under the guise that we're both the busiest people who ever lived. I actually think it's worse to postpone the first meeting because you are giving yourself permission to get caught up in these virtual personalities.
I understand that sometimes the timing is just not good. About a year ago, I met a guy on MFP who lived in Austin. He wanted to meet up, but he was going out of town on vacation for a week. The next week, I was going out of town on business. By the time we were both back in Austin, each of us had met someone else. No harm, no foul. But if that sort of thing happens every time you meet a new guy, I don't think it's your schedule that is the problem.
Maybe a widower with a young child can't go out at 9 PM, but has there seriously not been a day since the two of you started talking that he could've met you while his daughter was at school or daycare or wherever she is when he's working?
We have only been talking about a week and a half and I have previous committments (shcool) 3x week, he has school 1x week (of course not the same days) and the one weekday left over-both times was my schedule we could not work around and one weekend brought a snowstorm and an intense study day for me so that would not have worked out either...and during the day when his daughter is at school, he and I are both at work---I don't leave work for lunch and would be too far to meet for lunch anyway so I am content with what I have for now, and I get that some people would not be ok with that.0 -
But if that sort of thing happens every time you meet a new guy, I don't think it's your schedule that is the problem.
Wow, you are really assuming a lot here. Not cool.
It's not an assumption, she did say "If" and even then it's not exactly baseless. It certainly doesn't come across as an attack, why do you see it as one?0 -
Well I must say this went in a completely different direction than I had an anticipated.....
I am all for meeting someone right away - I say about a week or so from first contact - BUT my question was more geared toward how much communication is ok between dates when you know you want to see the person more! Nothing more, nothing less.
As a single parent, who has my kids 100% of the time, I can't go out everyday! Not only would I need the babysitter manpower, I would need the funds! School nights are also harder as my babysitters are all teenagers. Just not feasible so I try for 1-2 nights a week if I need them (depending what is going on, etc.). So that leaves, as others said, some evening times to chat.
I totally agree the fantasy relationship you can create, hence why I asked the question to begin with.
Unfortunately, my schedule limits me to alot, but things get easier as the relationship progresses (ie can come by after the kids are in bed) but sometimes just becuase you can make something work in your schedule doesn't mean other people can.
Between working full time, kids sports 2 nights a week, gym 3 nights a week... when I say I can date 2 nights a week those are my ONLY free nights and my kids get shafted too. It's about a healthy balance between the two people until you are at a point where you can invovle eachother more.0 -
I dont have a problem with texts. In fact, I think the opposite. It's a quite surefire way of letting someone know you're thinking about them and keeping in contact. But I do understand that some people hate texting so you have to judge each recipient individually, I think.
I have whole conversations with my girlfriends by text. I find it less restrictive than putting by a 2 hour phone chat window. My life is too random for that right now. Texts fill my random free moments :bigsmile:
OP I really dont think there is a bad way to get to know someone. Just go with the flow. Nothing wrong in saying you're busy and nothing wrong in text convo, IMO :flowerforyou:0 -
Bottom line, each person and relationship is different. There is no one-size fits all. Go with the flow and do what works for you.0
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Bottom line, each person and relationship is different. There is no one-size fits all. Go with the flow and do what works for you.
QFT0
