Anorexic to Binge Eater Help

MamaDory

Hey all,

I wondered if any of you have been, or are, in a similar situation to me...


Last January (2012) I decided to change. I was sick of being 135lbs (9 stone 9lb, size 14 bottom, size 8/10 top) at 5'4, as for my height I knew 8 stone was more healthier. So, I joined MFP in March, having implemented an eating plan that meant 3 healthier meals, a few snacks here and there, and cutting out fizzy drinks. It worked a treat; I dropped to 8 stone 12lb, and was a lot happier. But I knew I wanted to lose more, and I didn't realise how much I hated having to be patient for results. Without realising, I started cutting out more and more, thinking that I was purely being 'healthy'... I had no idea that what I was doing was bad, as I felt that 600cals a day was an achievement. Gone was the curvy, happy girl who had always wanted to be slim and fit, and she was replaced by a skeletal figure at 7 stone 3lbs, a UK size 4, in two months (middle of March to the end of May). I continued this way, occasionally 'binging', which to me at the time was around 1400/1800, and I became ill, but not enough to be hospitalised. In July, I had to change; my family started making me eat, and as I was losing my hair, my friends, and my exam results were failing, I slowly let them. I got up to 7 stone 10/12 (size UK 6/8), and started gaining muscle, hair, and life to my cheeks, and I knew that any lower would be unhealthy, but at this weight, or 8stone, I would be healthy for my petite figure. From September/October I worked out, started getting muscles, and had the odd slip-up; my daily intake being around 1500-2400cals, depending on how much exercise I had done.
Then things changed... significantly...

November: I had a binge maybe once a fornight, sometimes once a week. Although I did also overeat somedays, it wasn't, looking back on it now, what I'd call a binge. If I gained a pound in a few days, I'd simply cut out a 100 cals, and do a little extra in my workout, or simply walk a little faster around college/work. The binges made me feel terrible, but they were once every so often, so I assumed it would be something that would simply go away.

December: First couple of 'proper binges'. My highest day was 6000cal approx, and bearing in mind 5400cal was in a binge session, that wasn't great. So after the first week of December, I started clean eating, and loved it. Abstaining from the binegs got me down to 7 stone 12 again, my happy, stable weight, and I felt amazing. I was starting to lose the final bits of fat on my body, and was gaining more muscle from simply eating more lean meats and protein and working those muscles I couldn't when I was undereating.
But then the week before Christmas; where you meet up with people and every day you promise to be not as bad as the previous, but the different people you spend the days with want you to join in eating with them, and make you feel bad that you turn down their food today because you overate with another person the day before. I hadn't really had a want for chocolate or biscuits, or 'crap', but because they were there, I'd eat them. I must have been stretching my stomach even on the days I thought I wasn't technically binging. The week of christmas/birthday I ate 6000 cal every day.

January (beginning of): At 8stone 5lb, I was appalled - half a stone in 2/3 weeks?! But the binges grew more frequent; I was not only depressed at not fitting as well in my clothes as before, but also just for putting on weight when I had thought I had good willpower.

January (end of): 9 stone. In 2/3 weeks, I had gained 9lbs.

February (end of): 10 stone 2lb (142lbs). Yes, in a month I had gained 16lbs. Binges were everyday.

March (mid): 10 stone 9lb. Half a stone in two weeks. Nothing stops the binges, and this leads to emotional eating too. I never know when I'm full or hungry; I can't remember. I'm now bigger than before, and am a size 14 on bottom again and a 10/12 on top; though my gained ab muscles underneath push out my stomach even more than when I was larger last year; giving me an incredibly rounded belly. My other half even made me take a test because he thought I was pregnant... how ashamed I was, in a weird way, when I had to take it, come back with the result, and just say 'I'm just fat'.

Now: Started slimfast on Tuesday, as the shakes keep my sugar craving in control, and although I've 'overeaten' on some days, it was A) healthy food, and not in that autopilot binge mode. However, today (saturday) I had a slip-up whilst at my dad's and ate: 3 digestives, a slice of chocolate cake, some pizza, two cheese sandwiches, some small sweets, peanut butter and a hot cross bun. Not the biggest, but even that scares me that now I say those such words!


Sorry for the life-story, but I wondered if anyone is, or has, been in the same situation? How are you going about trying to 'beat the binge'? I've gotten self-help books, written in a journal everything, and it's only thinking about a particular book by a man named 'Dr Christopher Fairburn' that I have abstained for 4 days.

I want to lose weight and get back to my healthy 7 stone 12lb body; not only so that I actually have some clothes, as I don't even fit iin my pre-diet clothes now (so living in a pair of leggings/pyjama bottoms and baggy shirts - not even my wellies fit!) but also to be able to go out, not feeling ashamed, but confident, and to be happy. Ideally, I want this to occur before I possibly go to university this year.

All the best to the rest of you on your journeys! XX

wllwsmmr

I relate to everything you've said. I am happy for you that you're seeking help here and this is your first cycle. I've been through about four cycles of 'anorexia' then binge eating then anorexia then binge eating then bulimic than binge eating then bulimic then binge eating then extremely low cal diet then binge eating.. Now I'm at my higher end of my weight, and finally got myself to try to do this the healthy way.

What I'm doing now is to try to eat at least 1200cal a day, and if possible try to be at my caloric goal! I used this to calculate my caloric goal: https://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/912920-in-place-of-a-road-map-3-2013?hl=road+map+3
Also focusing on not beating myself over my past binging, what is done is done! Just look forward to a new and better day. It can only get better! It is overwhelming to want to stop binging completely, so just focus on the positive: one day you're binge free is one day of success! Also, I log everything. And even when I binge, I log while I binge, just so the calories are right smack in my face. I try to eat healthy stuff, but recently also started to not label foods as bad and just focus on staying within a reasonable caloric goal. Heck some days I feel like a success even when I ate 2000calories but at least I know it could have gotten worse and I didn't let it be.

Also, patience. Focus on reducing the occurrences of the binge, and I'd also advice you to stay away from the scale for a while. Maybe say a month. Just focus on being positive, aiming for a reasonable caloric goal or if you really wanna restrict, still eat 1200cal.

My worst recent binging occurrence was averaged at 10000cals of junk a day for about a month and gained about 10kg. I felt like death and like i'd never get out, also never felt full, only feeling hungry and then binging on so much sweets that I got sick of them and then ate so much savoury foods and then felt sick and then tried to sleep it off and then woke up hungry only to binge crazily again... When I finally told myself this had to end, I wanted to go to 500cal a day like I used to, but obviously I couldn't and I tried to exercise as much as I can... But it didn't work, so I just made sure I get to the gym for 1hour a day regardless of how much I ate. I had bad binges of 4000+cals, some days 1000+, some days 2000+, you get the drift. At first I was pissed off by my lack of discipline (because I could no longer be at 500cal) but then I focused on the positive: I came from 10000cal a day! Everything is an improvement and I just have to keep at it! It is no longer about reaching a certain weight by a certain date, it is about transforming my life and getting myself out of the vicious cycle of yo-yo weighting..

While I am still struggling with binging and overeating, I just keep focusing on the positives, that things were better than they used to be and to stop wallowing in past mistakes and focus on bettering myself everyday!!
I'd advice you to do this the healthy way this time even if it feels like you're eating 'too much'! Read the success stories here: So much success without starving! Explore the forums here.
Everytime I successfully get used to eating 500cals a day I feel like I could sustain it forever, but then eventually comes the breaking point where I binge and become heavier than I used to before dieting, and absolutely miserable. The binge monster catches up eventually. Don't let it get the chance. Do it the healthy way this time. I'm doing it for me. You should too

ETA:
1. Join the March Challenge: ME VS THE BINGE in this group! It sort of helps me be accountable and you also chart your progress

2. Maybe get your partner to be involved? Keep all binge trigger foods out of your home, stock up on healthy foods etc. But if possible, let your partner keep all the junk in some place you have no reach to, but bring home a bit every day so that you still can enjoy your treats in moderation?

Good luck

MamaDory

I think I shall try everything that you've said; your advice makes absolute sense! I binge on the things that I mainly label 'bad', and then, upon allowing myself something 'good', binge on that too because the evil, unconcious voice of the 'food rebel' decides to put me on auto-pilot for that too!

It's time to take hold of the reigns! I'm now feeling much more confident about taking tomorrow, and trying again.
I'm starting insanity too, and I have a gym membership so really ought to use it when I'm not at college/work. :-)

I just wanted to be healthy, so I'm glad someone understands. I think that it's even more infuriating having suffered with an eating disorder whereby you have a great deal of control over your intake and your mind/body; when you binge and gain you realise not only just how skinny you actually were, but also how much self-regiment that you had... pretty scary!

Thank you for reaching out to me

Where can I find the 'March challenge'? I accept the offer whole heartedly, and I thank you ever so much for replying/giving me the invite to join

I actually live with my mum as I'm only 18, and my boyfriend works quite a distance away; I only get to see him every so often, so it's her that I have to convince not to junk food.
Tried convincing her and she said that, 'it's not yours anyway, so don't eat it then', as if it was really all that simple. Tried explaining but she just doesn't want to know. None of my family does; it's 'a choice' to put on weight and be this way. (sigh)

Good luck with your journey too. All the best

Graelwyn75

I was severely anorexic when I was 18. I was 10 stone or something like that at 13(I was 5'11) and by 18, I was 5 stone(70ibs). My doctor, rather than put me in hospital or suggest somewhere to my parents where I could get proper help, simply told them I would die within 24 hours as my organs were packing up. My lips were often blue, I could get a hand round my thigh and my underwear just hung off me as there was literally nothing left. Something clicked and I realised I was dying and that frightened me, and I started eating one day when I asked my mother to take me out for pizza. She thought I was not serious and would just leave it. But I ate, and semi binged my way back to a more normal weight within months. The downside of that is that I never learnt to eat normally again and the underlying issues were not dealt with.

This, I have battled with phases of restriction,bulimia and binge eating ever since, though the binge eating and bulimia aspect is a more recent issue that arose when I joined mfp and got obsessed with staying at the 8 stone 11-9 stone I had got myself down to through lots of cycling and walking. Now I am back up to almost the same weight I was all those years ago before I started first dieting after having a really bad 6 weeks of binging on up to 7000 calories a day late last year. At the back of my mind, I do believe we all have a set weight that is our body's happy point and it is very hard to change that, and going on a diet messes that up. People who have never dieted are often lower in body fat than those that have, as those who diet, tend to gain back and what is gained back tends to be mostly fat, sadly.

I am still battling the tendency to binge, I easily get addicted to the taste of things, and for me that is a combination of sugar, dairy and wheat. I am trying to hold onto the memory of how bad I feel after binging, how it spirals and how it impacts my whole life and mood. I do not want to give that power to food or to the industry that produces all that crap food that gets people overweight, addicted and unhealthy.

I have also dropped the idea of being a set weight. Sure, I want to drop a bit of this mostly fat I gained during those binges, but aiming for a number on the scale puts an invisible pressure on us and can lead to rebellion. You could drop a size or two by taking up some weight training and keeping some cardio and just eating 15% below your Tdee. That way, you can eat enough you wont have to restrict, and you will be aiming for a look and a bodyfat number, rather than a scale number. It is the body fat which dictates your size, not the scale. I know a female trainer who is 5 inches shorter than me, weighs 10 stone, yet she is a Uk size 4-6. This is because her weight is mostly muscle, and little fat. Something to think of. Another trainer I know used to have anorexia and went through the whole binge eating issues. She chose to focus on strength and functionality instead, doing weight training, cycling and swimming and planning for a triathlon. Maybe by changing your focus from restricting food and losing weight, to eating to fuel your body and exercising to lower fat, you might be able to change the binge mentality.

Good luck, anyway.

wllwsmmr

Hey, you're welcome I totally understand how hard it is to reach out to people who have not experienced an ED of some sort or understand much of it... So it gets frustrating even when you're trying to be honest about it and get some support or help.. That's what I love about mfp, there are all sorts of people who are ready to share, help and give advice!!!

The March Challenge - Me VS the Binge link is here: https://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/909099-march-challenge-me-vs-the-binge

1. GETTING SUPPORT FROM PEOPLE AROUND YOU
About your mom, if it can, just keep trying to persuade her to not get junk (or so much of it, especially those that you have a hard time resisting!!) Also, try to go into the mentality of 'I am 18 and should earn my own keep and hence if I didn't buy it I cannot eat it and if I do then I need to buy and replace it'. I am slightly older (19 going 20) and currently stay with my cousin and grandma, and I cannot control what they buy. They also don't know much about ED especially my grandma but they both are understanding about my eating and exercising which I really appreciate! At first I had a hard time resisting all the bread because I LOVE BREAD and my grandma always stocks up on a lot of bread... But now I have learnt to control my binge better by using the aforementioned mentality to only eat what I buy. I also find trying to be financially independent and accountable helps to control my binges because it cost a lot to binge!!!

2. LIMIT RESTRICTIONS, JUST AIM TO HIT YOUR DAILY CALORIC GOAL
I have been about five days into 'controlled binges', whereby I met my caloric goal of around 1500 per day and feeling better! (Hopefully I'm not jinxing it haha) I find that it is easier because I am not giving myself much restrictions, ie I don't care about meal timings, about eating absolutely clean etc. JUST my caloric goal, and getting in at least 30minutes of some exercise that increases my heart rate more than normal. I also drink plenty of water and have started taking a multivitamin supplement! It is supposed to help with energy and health because unless you are ensuring you get a well balanced healthy diet, it is hard to maintain optimal health in terms of vitamins!

3. EASING A LITTLE OF THE GUILT FROM BINGING
Also, I find if I finish my 'binge' and feel uncomfortable, I drink a lot of water and do some squats and/or lying down cycling!
If you don't like the taste of water, add some lemon slices/cucumber etc and leave it for a while. It tastes great!

4. OWNING IT!!!!
Remember that this is your body and you health and so for your sanity, be selfish and do what you want! If you like to eat healthy foods that people around you don't understand or feel like you're a freak or a diet crazy person, ignore them! Just do what you can to achieve your daily goals, because ultimately that would make you feel better and happier! I for one love fruits and raw carrots and baked pumpkin/sweet potatoes, plain yoghurt, just eating low fat biscuits, slices of breads etc, which people around me find plain and unappetizing.. And I felt so judged and uneasy when wanting to eat them. I also love sweets but hate oily/fried stuff (most of the time) while a lot of my close ones like fried oily stuff and I always felt conscious about rejecting their offer to eat the foods because I felt like I needed them to know that based on daily caloric goals I'm probably eating more than them! But then now I've learnt to calm down and remind myself that there is no need to prove anything to anyone, just do what makes you feel best!

5. MOTIVATION!!
Start listing things you can wear and do once your binging gets under control and the bloating goes away!!! Also good to put reminders around you to not binge etc! I have also learnt to take it slow and stay positive NO MATTER WHAT.
Change what you cannot accept, accept what you cannot change.
You cannot control what others say, think about or do to you, but you can choose how to react to it.