Please forgive me :-)
366to266
Posts: 473 Member
After three fabulous sugar-free months today I cracked and ate chocolate - a LOT of chocolate.
I'm really sorry I did it. Because it hasn't made me feel ANY better, happier, or any other positive feeling.
There was a reason. Things have just been getting on top of me for the past few days. I have been suffering for a whole year now with some lung/chest/respiratory/sinus/virus/bacterial gawd knows what problems. I've had paramedics called to me five times in the space of a few months because I have been struggling to breathe. I've been in the resus room with cardiac arrhythmia, terrified that I was about to die. I've been tormented by sleep apnoea, a constantly running nose, sneezing fits, coughing fits, post-nasal drip, wheezing fits and blood-glucose crashes. I have seen eight doctors and got almost as many different diagnoses, had four courses of antibiotics. I have had no sense of taste or smell for the past two weeks and because of this when something was burning on the stove yesterday I was blissfully unaware till the fire alarm went off. Could not smell anything!
I suffered an acute allergic reaction to a RX Wednesday night and paramedics were called again. My face came out in a rash and puffed up so bad my eyelids covered my eyes, my chest tightened and my windpipe closed and I nearly fainted through lack of breath - it was utterly terrifying!
Also, I have been plagued by the most awful fatigue that has just dragged me down and prevented me from doing my planned fitness regime and caused me to cancel my induction at the gym. I've only left the house twice in the last 14 days, and only once been to the pool.
My ex partner would have helped me with all this, but since he left in November 2011 I've really struggled, being so ill for so long without having anyone to look after me. And being ill reminds me of how much I miss him. I've wept buckets about him these last few weeks. Yesterday was the anniversary of my previous partner's tragic death at a young age, so that is always a bad day for me.
I had a new lodger move in yesterday and I could not do my job properly; I had to rely on another lodger to look after her, get her bedding ready and show her around. I literally did not have the energy to even go up the stairs let alone help her get all her belongings up two long flights of stairs. I feel really bad about not looking after her or making her feel welcome. This is my job, my living, and not being able to do it really makes me feel inadequate and miserable.
Then a guy off here started posting nasty comments about my weight and my general ugliness on my Photobucket pages.
And this afternoon the whole bally lot just kinda got on top of me, and for some STUPID reason I got this ridiculous notion in my thick head that a big chocolate binge would make me feel better. Not just one bar, but a family bag of one type, a bar of another, and a creme egg. The sugar load is horrific.
And now I know that I am going to have to PAY for this stupid action. I know that tomorrow at least, and maybe for a few days, I will have sugar cravings, I will be out of ketosis, I might even gain a few pounds and NO WAY was the brief and fleeting "pleasure" of eating chocolate worth the amount of damage that I have done to myself.
I even feel a bit "dirty". My body was sugar free for all these weeks, and now I've tainted it! Yesterday I was able to hold my head high and say "I haven't eaten sugar this year" and now I cannot say that any more. I was so very proud of myself that, EVEN THOUGH I was SO ill and miserable and anxious about my health I always stood firm against turning to carbs the way I always have. And now I just feel bloody ashamed and disgusted and really disappointed that I have let myself down so badly.
The only saving grace is, tomorrow is another day, a new day, and another chance to start again from Day One.
I'm really sorry I did it. Because it hasn't made me feel ANY better, happier, or any other positive feeling.
There was a reason. Things have just been getting on top of me for the past few days. I have been suffering for a whole year now with some lung/chest/respiratory/sinus/virus/bacterial gawd knows what problems. I've had paramedics called to me five times in the space of a few months because I have been struggling to breathe. I've been in the resus room with cardiac arrhythmia, terrified that I was about to die. I've been tormented by sleep apnoea, a constantly running nose, sneezing fits, coughing fits, post-nasal drip, wheezing fits and blood-glucose crashes. I have seen eight doctors and got almost as many different diagnoses, had four courses of antibiotics. I have had no sense of taste or smell for the past two weeks and because of this when something was burning on the stove yesterday I was blissfully unaware till the fire alarm went off. Could not smell anything!
I suffered an acute allergic reaction to a RX Wednesday night and paramedics were called again. My face came out in a rash and puffed up so bad my eyelids covered my eyes, my chest tightened and my windpipe closed and I nearly fainted through lack of breath - it was utterly terrifying!
Also, I have been plagued by the most awful fatigue that has just dragged me down and prevented me from doing my planned fitness regime and caused me to cancel my induction at the gym. I've only left the house twice in the last 14 days, and only once been to the pool.
My ex partner would have helped me with all this, but since he left in November 2011 I've really struggled, being so ill for so long without having anyone to look after me. And being ill reminds me of how much I miss him. I've wept buckets about him these last few weeks. Yesterday was the anniversary of my previous partner's tragic death at a young age, so that is always a bad day for me.
I had a new lodger move in yesterday and I could not do my job properly; I had to rely on another lodger to look after her, get her bedding ready and show her around. I literally did not have the energy to even go up the stairs let alone help her get all her belongings up two long flights of stairs. I feel really bad about not looking after her or making her feel welcome. This is my job, my living, and not being able to do it really makes me feel inadequate and miserable.
Then a guy off here started posting nasty comments about my weight and my general ugliness on my Photobucket pages.
And this afternoon the whole bally lot just kinda got on top of me, and for some STUPID reason I got this ridiculous notion in my thick head that a big chocolate binge would make me feel better. Not just one bar, but a family bag of one type, a bar of another, and a creme egg. The sugar load is horrific.
And now I know that I am going to have to PAY for this stupid action. I know that tomorrow at least, and maybe for a few days, I will have sugar cravings, I will be out of ketosis, I might even gain a few pounds and NO WAY was the brief and fleeting "pleasure" of eating chocolate worth the amount of damage that I have done to myself.
I even feel a bit "dirty". My body was sugar free for all these weeks, and now I've tainted it! Yesterday I was able to hold my head high and say "I haven't eaten sugar this year" and now I cannot say that any more. I was so very proud of myself that, EVEN THOUGH I was SO ill and miserable and anxious about my health I always stood firm against turning to carbs the way I always have. And now I just feel bloody ashamed and disgusted and really disappointed that I have let myself down so badly.
The only saving grace is, tomorrow is another day, a new day, and another chance to start again from Day One.
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Replies
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You really are having a very tough time indeed. I hope your health issues get solved and sorted soon, its no way to have to exsist. Your reasons for your binge are very sound compared to my last few days of bad eating just because I've been suffering from a bad cold/high temp etc and feeling miserable. I couldn't stop myself .. .. .. or I didn't try hard enough. I'm hopefully back on track today. I didn't have the energy to log or comment on here much at all for 3 days this week. So, yes tomorrow is another day indeed and you've done brilliantly through a frustrating illness! Here's to ketosis asap for us both!0
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Brush yourself off and go again.....fall , brush yourself off and go again...do it as many times as you need to. The most important thing is that you start again. Get healthy, tackle the world and you are beautiful!0
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Don't be so hard on yourself.....we're our own worst enemy!! Like you said, tomorrow is another day, time to start over. Sometimes we just need to get things out of our system. We've all been there, done that!! Just look at what you've accomplished so far....you should be proud!0
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My favorite saying for days like this is: You don't drown because you fall in the water, you drown because you stay in the water.
As you have already said, tomorrow is a new day. As a matter of fact - this moment is a new moment, just get back on track. You can do this!0 -
. All good advice, and DO something about the jerk who is commenting on your photos. Report him, block him, write him an insulting letter, tell him he is a worm, and he is if he is bullying you! GET MAD! it will probably be good for you and is not fatening. No one has a right to talk to you in that manner.0
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Thanks EVERYONE for the messages of support.
I AM very hard on myself, because if I am not, then I will convince myself that it's OK to have a bar of chocolate today, a cake tomorrow, a pastry the day after and an ice cream the day after that. This is what I've always done before, and it's ALWAYS led to me sliding straight back into the H*E*L*L of carb-addiction.
I gained nothing from that binge yesterday. That is the lesson I must learn.
I made up for it today by eating totally clean. 1360 calories made up of fat 63% carbs 5% and protein 32%. Also, went to the swimming pool and although because of my chest problem I had little energy, I DID manage to do 40 minutes of kicking, jiggling and stretching, and that is better than nothing.
I've decided to ignore and try to forget the Jerk. Ultimately it does one less damage to put these things out of ones mind, I believe.
Ruth -- I know exactly what you mean about when you get a cold or don't feel well, your body starts craving the foods you have chosen not to eat. I think there are two reasons for this -- emotional (comfort eating) and also physical (feeling unwell we look for something to give quick energy and to perk us up -- sugar and caffeine).
The reason I won't allow myself to turn to carbs when these things happen is that knowing my history I know that I would find an "excuse" every single day.... you know, like "got no energy", "feeling down", "someone upset me", "it's raining", "I broke my favourite cup" and then EVERY day becomes a day when I self-medicated with carbs. Slippery slope!
It's been a great help just knowing that I can come on here and confess what I did. And to make myself log every single bad things I ate, even though I am ashamed. Just pledging to always fess up helps keep me on the straight and narrow because I would be far too ashamed and embarrassed to come back on here and admit that I'd done it again.
I popped into Lidl today and bought some very thin Swedish rye crispbreads. I felt that even THEY were a very naughty purchase. I will try never to eat more than one at once! Probably about 10 carbs each!
Thanks again for the messages, I really appreciate them!0 -
I just wanted to echo what everyone was saying.. we are on a marathon run, not a sprint.. You are overall doing GREAT! That man who was making rude comments needs to be kicked, repeatedly, in the shins. I hate that for you! I had a similar experience on Friday night AT CHURCH(!!!)... these little 9-ish year old girls were making fun of me.. I reeally had to push through that.. (although I will say that little kids and grown men are different, but I feel that at 9, you should also know better than to make fun of others, no matter the reason).. I got through it, but it took a little while. I also had an emotional eating day this past week.
But we're going to get back up and keep going! You've lost 24 pounds! You go girl!! And you are learning more about yourself in the long run too.. SO proud of you!!! ::hugs::0 -
Oh sweetie I'm sorry you've been dealing with stress but don't worry about one slip-up! It looks like you've gotten yourself right back on track and that is awesome! As for this.. you are SO RIGHT!!: "I've decided to ignore and try to forget the Jerk. Ultimately it does one less damage to put these things out of ones mind, I believe."
Who cares what strangers say about us, ignore and move on and you're the better for it for sure. You're doing so great, it's inspirational!!0
