Societal Pressure

TheKitsune6

Okay, I see a lot of comments from people about how they feel pressured to not be single. Whether it's their mom that is pushing for grandkids, or if they show up at a party alone and people ask if they're seeing someone...

The thing that perplexes me if I have never encountered anything like this. I'm wondering how much of it is a construct of our minds - we are expecting other people to not accept that we are single, therefore are we make more of scenarios in order to feel victimized? I know I've gone to places and come across family that I haven't seen in a while that ask "So are you seeing anyone?" and I say "No, I'm focusing on school, but I just got a dog and blah blah blah" and not once have I gotten a vibe that they're disapproving or anything other than politely curious.

I'm sure there are instances where some old g-ma is grumpy about it but why care - people like that are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. If we don't accept those standards anymore then who cares if they disapprove?

j4nash

I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.

TheKitsune6

I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.

I'm wondering if it's a cultural reason I've never experienced it, or if I'm just THAT oblivious to it?

j4nash

I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.

I'm wondering if it's a cultural reason I've never experienced it, or if I'm just THAT oblivious to it?

depends on how traditional your family is

fullofwhimsy

I think it is definitely an internal construct, but I think as people get older (into their mid-30's), it starts to perplex others who feel that everyone should be sorted and settled by that age.

BringingSherriBack

I don't seem to get a lot of pressure from family or friends at all about being single, but then I am fairly new on the singles' scene after being married for 11 years and that ended badly. Actually most everyone is encouraging me to take my time and enjoy being single for awhile before I even really jump into the dating scene whole heartedly.

flimflamfloz

I think it is definitely an internal construct, but I think as people get older (into their mid-30's), it starts to perplex others who feel that everyone should be sorted and settled by that age.

Yes.

I check the age of posters a lot. I think these days, when you are below 30 y.o., your situation is to be expected (i.e. people not pissing you off).
And yes, it depends of the family and level of religiousness as well I s'pose.

RunIntheMud

I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.

I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.

RosscoBoscko

On first thought I don't necessarily feel intentional pressure from people but it is noticeable when everyone around you starts settling down, getting married, buying houses and having kids. My social circle revolves a lot around my rugby club, which I now run the bar for and live above, whereas most of the people my age within the team are socialising less and having kids plus all the above. I then find myself socialising with the younger age groups but half of them are settling down as well.

Thinking about it further at times there has been some pressure though. My ex and I were very definitely pushed towards each other by other members of the club, not that we didn't like each other, but people's attitude seemed to be, we were both single and got on well so should get together irrelevant of our opinion on the matter. Thankfully they have accepted to an extent now that I do have genuine female friends so not to keep trying always to start something.

fullofwhimsy

I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.

I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.

I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:

pammbroo

I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:

^^This definitely....still applies in the forty-something range as well.

Never receive "pressure", but that question is asked quite often. Sometimes relentlessly by certain family members..lol

MissingMinnesota

The only time I get the pressure is when I am with an older generation like my grandparents age. Most people under the age of 60 just will ask if I am dating someone and if I say no they will let it go.

j4nash

I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.

I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.

I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out.

so true

RunIntheMud

I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.

I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.

I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:

I agree to an extent. But, I do hear the same comments. I think sometimes it's in how we perceive the comments as well.

The elderly expects us to be married off. I have heard a couple bitter comments, but I let them roll off because that is their generation. I work with a lot of elderly at church and do hear the comments, but not in a "what's wrong with you" but a "why hasn't he found you" tone.

I've also met some great men that have made the same comment in they think I'm great, so why haven't I been swept off my feet yet. I just tell them that it's going to take more than a broom to win me over. I don't take it as an insult, but a compliment... I think it's just a mindset of people. You meet someone that you perceive to be great and you want to know why someone else hasn't been able to win them over yet (and why you are worthy of their time).

nhsoprano

I think it has to do with age and the group of people you spend time with. I never get any sort of grief about not being in a relationship from the professionals I am around, but the stay at home moms and their husbands at my church are always trying to figure out why I am happily single. It only gets annoying when they ask if I've ever considered marrying so and so, because obviously the only happy people are the ones who are married and having babies...what?

ItsCasey

I used to get pressure from my mom, just because I think all moms want to see their kids happy, and they usually think you won't be truly happy until you are settled with someone. But she and I have discussed it, and she realizes now that I would genuinely rather be single than marry a guy who looks great on paper but who I don't really love.

My dad just pressures me about having kids because he thinks it's crazy to have kids after the age of 30. Sorry Dad, not my problem that you got married at 22 and had 3 kids over the next 5 years. Most college-educated people don't do that anymore.

I do have friends who are constantly trying to fix me up, and they have told me it's because it makes THEM feel awkward if we get together for a group thing, and I'm the only one who isn't paired off with a spouse/boyfriend. Um, I don't care. If you do, stop inviting me to couples-only things.

But I would say the most pressure I feel is at work events. I am part of my company's executive management team, so I am obligated to attend social functions to which everyone else (who are all a lot older) brings their spouse. It just sucks because it is obvious that I am the only single person there, and it seems a lot of people feel it's more polite to ask about my dating life and if I ever plan to get married than to ignore the elephant in the room.

julesboots

I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:

This is a good point. I can't justify why I felt this way, but on certain occasions have definitely felt off the hook somehow when it's established in conversation that I had a marriage. I don't think I'm projecting this, and I don't think the other person (usually someone who is married) would ever have said anything overtly, it's just a vibe. Easy to ignore though.

jenbit

I occasionally get "why doesnt an awesome girl like you have a guy" from guys...(BTW nice pick up line lol) But other then that most of my friends are male and single so the questions don't exsist.. I think those problems are more for when your hanging with married people all the time or everyone in your family is paired off.

christine24t

Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.

When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.

Tube_socks

Never. But I'm a divorcee at 33. So been there, done that. My parents actually pressure me against settling down too soon which I'm totally on board with! She urges me to not make the same mistake again.

nhsoprano

Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.

When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.

Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.

christine24t

Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.

When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.

Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.

Minnesota...and yes you wouldn't think it either but the majority of people I know in relationships are thinking about marriage, engaged or married. And no I don't think it's anything about religion.

It shocks me too!!

MissingMinnesota

Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.

When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.

Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.

Minnesota...and yes you wouldn't think it either but the majority of people I know in relationships are thinking about marriage, engaged or married. And no I don't think it's anything about religion.

It shocks me too!!

It shocks me too that most of your friends are getting engaged or married as most the people I grew up with either are still single or got married after 26. I think I only had one friend get married before 26 and these are all girls from MN.

kls13la

Totally agree that it gets worse as you hit your 30s and have never married. People suddenly become invested in wondering why you haven't followed the rest of the herd and gotten married. I've heard "You're so awesome, I can't believe you're not married" so many times.

I always just stop them cold by saying "It's fine, I have no interest in getting married."

Then they say "Oh, you just haven't met the right person."

And I'm like..."No, actually I don't want to get married. I don't see any benefit for me to get married at this point in my life."

Then they try to convince me that marriage is so awesome, and I'm like "Hmm...I'll be sure to tell that to my friend who spent her entire 401(k) savings on divorce attorneys because her husband turned into a complete *kitten* and challenged every detail about their divorce. I'll also tell it to my other friend who had her credit ruined by her flake of an ex-husband because he didn't do what he was supposed to do under the divorce decree."

I don't know. To be honest most of my friends who are married aren't all that happy and are not only working full time, but also have primary responsibility for their children and primary responsibiilty for keeping the house clean and all involved with that. It just doesn't seem all that appealing to me. I almost feel like the those who push the societal pressure just want me to be as miserable as they are.

ItsCasey

I'm 30, and most of my friends from high school and college are married and have at least one kid already. I still have some male friends who are single, but I can only think of one female with whom I was close growing up who isn't married, and she's very much like me, focused on a career with not a lot of time to actively look for guys.

And I think most of my married friends are happy. I know they all have their difficulties from time to time, but they love being married and wouldn't do anything differently. I don't think marriage in general has to be "miserable." I definitely think the people who get married only because they think it's what they're "supposed" to do (and, thus, end up marrying the wrong person) are the ones who make it look horrible to everyone else.

I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.

nolachick

kit, perhaps you are oblivious or perhaps because of your strong personality they don't see you as someone who needs to be in a relationship or settled down, or perhaps your family isn't nosy.

I think there is pressure in society, especially for people my age who are done with college and have a career, and people just assume that the only thing missing is a significant other. i get more pressure from my family tho, not my friends and definitely not at work.

I don't think people who are divorced get that kind of pressure, if anything I would question someone who is recently divorced and moving too fast.

nhsoprano

I've actually been thinking about this, and I realized that my mom actually does put a lot of pressure on me to get married. She's already tried to get me interested in every guy at my church, even though all of them except one are at least 4 years younger than me. I remember one time I was talking to her about this guy I was kind of going crazy over (I will admit this haha) and she said "well, I'm convinced that if he told you he was interested, you would give up the idea of grad school and stay here for him". I didn't reply to her, but all I could think was, "no I wouldn't". It was totally weird. I think it was the first time it really hit me how much my mom is more interested in marrying me off than seeing me pursue my dreams and be truly happy. So, I guess I have felt the pressure, but it really didn't make me feel as though I should put more effort into finding a man. I just felt sad that my mom and I will pretty much never see eye to eye on how life should be lived. Oh well.

ItsCasey

My mom has done some weird back-and-forth stuff too, over the years. When I was a senior in high school, she wanted me to break up with my boyfriend because she was afraid I would give up my scholarship to college so that I could stay in my hometown and continue to date him. She also didn't want me to date anyone while I was in college at first and then became fully supportive of me having a boyfriend my last two years in school because she really liked him. She even pressured me to marry him after we graduated. Now she's okay with me dating, but she gets all nervous when I get serious about anyone. It's a good thing, in this case, that I live 3 hours away from my parents because I don't have to tell them that I'm dating someone until I'm ready to tell them. And since I am adamant about keeping my relationships off Facebook, there is no way for them to keep tabs on it.

nhsoprano

Well, there is a reason the thought of grad school in Iowa was so appealing... :laugh:

nolachick

funny how moms spend half the time trying to keep you away from boys when you're young and then try to marry you off after you hit 25 :laugh:

kls13la

I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.

And another form of societal pressure rears its head! Yes, of course any desire by a woman to not be married must be the result of a woman fooling herself, lying to herself, or deflecting how she really feels. I don't disagree that some women may do this, but I don't and I find it really condescending when people (not you) try to act like I just don't know what I want. Not everyone wants the same thing! I think this is the most frustrating thing about the societal pressure aspect of being single.

And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.