Societal Pressure
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And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.
Ha..this is so true! And then all those 35-45 year old unhappily married men will come and hit on me. Sigh.0 -
I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
And another form of societal pressure rears its head! Yes, of course any desire by a woman to not be married must be the result of a woman fooling herself, lying to herself, or deflecting how she really feels. I don't disagree that some women may do this, but I don't and I find it really condescending when people (not you) try to act like I just don't know what I want. Not everyone wants the same thing! I think this is the most frustrating thing about the societal pressure aspect of being single.
And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.
So you're in the first group of people I mentioned ... the ones who know they don't ever want to get married. Good for you. I've acknowledged that those people exist.
But it is just a fact that a lot of women really do want to be married, and they pretend they're okay with being single forever because it somehow seems less pathetic than openly admitting "Yes, I want to be married, and I have no idea why I haven't found the right guy yet." A lot of men are the same way, but it's more acceptable (these days) for a man to be unmarried, so there's not as much pressure on them to come up with a reason. However, I do have friends who work for big law firms where a lot of the partners are older men who don't so much approve of a guy still being a bachelor into his late 30s and bringing a different woman to every social event. They assume it means he has an unstable personal life (and honestly, some of them do).
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.0 -
When I was younger, yes, there was a little. My mother insisted on a catholic kind of a wedding. She wanted me to marry a nice, preferably latina, catholic girl. I resisted. At the age of 13, I told them that church just wasn't for me. They were shocked. Thought I was becoming an atheist. I reassured them if I ever was, they would be the first to know. At one point, in my mid 20's, my mother reassured me she would love me no matter what. Which eventually lead to the "Are you gay?" ( - _ -)
My extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, would also bring it up on occasion. It was indirect, but there. The older I get, the smaller my pool of women will be. I should just go to Mexico, women will fight over me. Yeah, no. If I get married, it's for love, not because the girl just wants papers to come live in the USA. I have 1 uncle, in his early 50's. Never been married. I used to get teased that I would become like him. This has waned over the years. I don't get it anymore.0 -
So you're in the first group of people I mentioned ... the ones who know they don't ever want to get married. Good for you. I've acknowledged that those people exist.
But it is just a fact that a lot of women really do want to be married, and they pretend they're okay with being single forever because it somehow seems less pathetic than openly admitting "Yes, I want to be married, and I have no idea why I haven't found the right guy yet." A lot of men are the same way, but it's more acceptable (these days) for a man to be unmarried, so there's not as much pressure on them to come up with a reason. However, I do have friends who work for big law firms where a lot of the partners are older men who don't so much approve of a guy still being a bachelor into his late 30s and bringing a different woman to every social event. They assume it means he has an unstable personal life (and honestly, some of them do).
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.
:noway: Wow, there's a lot of judgment thrown in there.0 -
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.
You can want and have companionship and a stable relationship without getting married. Some people (for example, me) just don't see the benefit of being legally tied to another person via marriage. That doesn't mean we don't want companionship or a stable relationship.0 -
I'm sure there are instances where some old g-ma is grumpy about it but why care - people like that are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. If we don't accept those standards anymore then who cares if they disapprove?
As an old g-ma :laugh: let me just say that I don't care who is married or not unless I want to sleep with them.
Not all people who care are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. Some people who care about this are women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
I am more happy now that I'm single than I ever was when I was married. If you're happy, who cares what anybody else thinks? Apparently, lots of people.0 -
women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
Wait, this isn't real??? :ohwell:0 -
Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
You will never ever get someone to admit this though. These people are lying to themselves, otherwise they would just have to admit that their life is a big pile of poopoo - but that would go against their coping mechanism.
The areas where you will see that often are marriage, children (No, I have never wanted children! says the woman who realises she will probably never have them), relationships (I just haven't found the right person!).
I guess it's easier to say that than to admit our failures.0 -
women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
Wait, this isn't real??? :ohwell:
Only if you TRULY believe.0 -
Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
You will never ever get someone to admit this though. These people are lying to themselves, otherwise they would just have to admit that their life is a big pile of poopoo - but that would go against their coping mechanism.
The areas where you will see that often are marriage, children (No, I have never wanted children! says the woman who realises she will probably never have them), relationships (I just haven't found the right person!).
I guess it's easier to say that than to admit our failures.
WOW! "Madness"? "Our failures"? LOL.
I am pretty sure people are allowed to prefer being alone to being in a crap relationship or not wanting children, even if they are in posession of a vagina.
Yes, it can be a coping mechanism, but what is wrong with that? What if those folks are perfectly content to "lie" to themselves and live full and valuable lives, despite the fact they haven't secured a relationship or child or any other traditional marker of adulthood? Would it make us feel better if they said "no, of course I'm not happy - I'm completely miserable alone and my life is a big pile of poopoo and I will only feel good and/or worthy if I secure the very things I don't seem able to achieve, which therefore sets me up nicely for a lifetime of disgruntled unhappiness and prescription medication"?
I can admit I want a relationship..at some point. To be honest I'm having a little too much fun right now not committing to anyone or anything. But as for kids? Nope. I actually do not feel the need to have a child and truthfully never have, though have been presented the opportunity to do so by a few of my exes.0 -
I guess I'm lucky that my parents don't pressure me. I'm also lucky that both my brothers are in long term hopefully the "one" type relationships and that at least one couple will hopefully produce grand babies one day.
As for society yes I get it sometimes that..you're a great catch...why are you single..why haven't you managed to even have a bf yet.
And the problem is..I WANT one (a Man, a Husband/bf, partner in crime, lover, friend ect). I want babies, and at 36 every month that passes means one less chance of being a mom in a relationship like my parents had which is what I would like.
But I can't change the past and the fact that I spent my best "dating" years being the size of a house and very unattractive to the opposite sex...I can only be me now, keep healthy and live life. If I'm alone so be it. I will have missed out on something I would have greatly enjoyed in being a parent. But I'll get dogs and friends and make my own weird little family that way I guess.0 -
I guess I'm lucky that my parents don't pressure me. I'm also lucky that both my brothers are in long term hopefully the "one" type relationships and that at least one couple will hopefully produce grand babies one day.
As for society yes I get it sometimes that..you're a great catch...why are you single..why haven't you managed to even have a bf yet.
And the problem is..I WANT one (a Man, a Husband/bf, partner in crime, lover, friend ect). I want babies, and at 36 every month that passes means one less chance of being a mom in a relationship like my parents had which is what I would like.
But I can't change the past and the fact that I spent my best "dating" years being the size of a house and very unattractive to the opposite sex...I can only be me now, keep healthy and live life. If I'm alone so be it. I will have missed out on something I would have greatly enjoyed in being a parent. But I'll get dogs and friends and make my own weird little family that way I guess.
you are awesome! :flowerforyou: I love your attitude.
I think marriage and kids will happen when and if its meant to happen - that will be at a different time for everyone.
Do I want those things? Of course, but for whatever reason its not happening right now, and I'm ok with that.
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Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
You will never ever get someone to admit this though. These people are lying to themselves, otherwise they would just have to admit that their life is a big pile of poopoo - but that would go against their coping mechanism.
The areas where you will see that often are marriage, children (No, I have never wanted children! says the woman who realises she will probably never have them), relationships (I just haven't found the right person!).
I guess it's easier to say that than to admit our failures.
Why can't you be both single and happy and willing to jump into a relationship if you meet the right person? I don't see the two as being mutually exclusive.0 -
There is nothing wrong with that if I can avoid them. I just roll my eyes every time these people open their mouth.Yes, it can be a coping mechanism, but what is wrong with that? What if those folks are perfectly content to "lie" to themselves and live full and valuable lives, despite the fact they haven't secured a relationship or child or any other traditional marker of adulthood?
I don't normally spend my time with these people though.
I personally think that it would be a better start, yes. Rather than trying to cover the corpse lying in your lounge with a carpet, start doing some work to get rid of that embarrassing body. It's going to be there, at the back of your mind, all the time. So I suppose I would rather have these people face their "problems" rather than them being wrecks behind an apparent "perfect facade".Would it make us feel better if they said "no, of course I'm not happy - I'm completely miserable alone and my life is a big pile of poopoo and I will only feel good and/or worthy if I secure the very things I don't seem able to achieve, which therefore sets me up nicely for a lifetime of disgruntled unhappiness and prescription medication"?0 -
I guess I'm lucky that my parents don't pressure me. I'm also lucky that both my brothers are in long term hopefully the "one" type relationships and that at least one couple will hopefully produce grand babies one day.
As for society yes I get it sometimes that..you're a great catch...why are you single..why haven't you managed to even have a bf yet.
And the problem is..I WANT one (a Man, a Husband/bf, partner in crime, lover, friend ect). I want babies, and at 36 every month that passes means one less chance of being a mom in a relationship like my parents had which is what I would like.
But I can't change the past and the fact that I spent my best "dating" years being the size of a house and very unattractive to the opposite sex...I can only be me now, keep healthy and live life. If I'm alone so be it. I will have missed out on something I would have greatly enjoyed in being a parent. But I'll get dogs and friends and make my own weird little family that way I guess.
I can completely relate to this. I DO have a child, and that is another story in itself, but dating is so foreign to me after spending the majority of my life close to 300 pounds. I avoided men like the plague and was in shock when they would occasionally show interest.
I keep on hoping that I will find someone who gets me and my life story. In the meantime I enjoy my little family (me, my son, and the furry creatures) the way it is.
I have definitely felt the societal pressure. People giving me unsolicited tips on where/how to meet guys, etc. etc. Sometimes it is annoying, but since I do want a relationship, I just smile and tell myself that they mean well.0 -
Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
I passed your test :yawn: Good thing too, cause I was super worried about your judgment on how I'm a failure as a woman since I'm content with my life as it is and won't drop it for just about anyone just so you don't think of me as a "reject".
/sarcasm0
