Societal Pressure
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Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.
When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.
Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.
Minnesota...and yes you wouldn't think it either but the majority of people I know in relationships are thinking about marriage, engaged or married. And no I don't think it's anything about religion.
It shocks me too!!0 -
Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.
When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.
Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.
Minnesota...and yes you wouldn't think it either but the majority of people I know in relationships are thinking about marriage, engaged or married. And no I don't think it's anything about religion.
It shocks me too!!
It shocks me too that most of your friends are getting engaged or married as most the people I grew up with either are still single or got married after 26. I think I only had one friend get married before 26 and these are all girls from MN.0 -
Totally agree that it gets worse as you hit your 30s and have never married. People suddenly become invested in wondering why you haven't followed the rest of the herd and gotten married. I've heard "You're so awesome, I can't believe you're not married" so many times.
I always just stop them cold by saying "It's fine, I have no interest in getting married."
Then they say "Oh, you just haven't met the right person."
And I'm like..."No, actually I don't want to get married. I don't see any benefit for me to get married at this point in my life."
Then they try to convince me that marriage is so awesome, and I'm like "Hmm...I'll be sure to tell that to my friend who spent her entire 401(k) savings on divorce attorneys because her husband turned into a complete *kitten* and challenged every detail about their divorce. I'll also tell it to my other friend who had her credit ruined by her flake of an ex-husband because he didn't do what he was supposed to do under the divorce decree."
I don't know. To be honest most of my friends who are married aren't all that happy and are not only working full time, but also have primary responsibility for their children and primary responsibiilty for keeping the house clean and all involved with that. It just doesn't seem all that appealing to me. I almost feel like the those who push the societal pressure just want me to be as miserable as they are.0 -
I'm 30, and most of my friends from high school and college are married and have at least one kid already. I still have some male friends who are single, but I can only think of one female with whom I was close growing up who isn't married, and she's very much like me, focused on a career with not a lot of time to actively look for guys.
And I think most of my married friends are happy. I know they all have their difficulties from time to time, but they love being married and wouldn't do anything differently. I don't think marriage in general has to be "miserable." I definitely think the people who get married only because they think it's what they're "supposed" to do (and, thus, end up marrying the wrong person) are the ones who make it look horrible to everyone else.
I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.0 -
kit, perhaps you are oblivious or perhaps because of your strong personality they don't see you as someone who needs to be in a relationship or settled down, or perhaps your family isn't nosy.
I think there is pressure in society, especially for people my age who are done with college and have a career, and people just assume that the only thing missing is a significant other. i get more pressure from my family tho, not my friends and definitely not at work.
I don't think people who are divorced get that kind of pressure, if anything I would question someone who is recently divorced and moving too fast.0 -
I've actually been thinking about this, and I realized that my mom actually does put a lot of pressure on me to get married. She's already tried to get me interested in every guy at my church, even though all of them except one are at least 4 years younger than me. I remember one time I was talking to her about this guy I was kind of going crazy over (I will admit this haha) and she said "well, I'm convinced that if he told you he was interested, you would give up the idea of grad school and stay here for him". I didn't reply to her, but all I could think was, "no I wouldn't". It was totally weird. I think it was the first time it really hit me how much my mom is more interested in marrying me off than seeing me pursue my dreams and be truly happy. So, I guess I have felt the pressure, but it really didn't make me feel as though I should put more effort into finding a man. I just felt sad that my mom and I will pretty much never see eye to eye on how life should be lived. Oh well.0
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My mom has done some weird back-and-forth stuff too, over the years. When I was a senior in high school, she wanted me to break up with my boyfriend because she was afraid I would give up my scholarship to college so that I could stay in my hometown and continue to date him. She also didn't want me to date anyone while I was in college at first and then became fully supportive of me having a boyfriend my last two years in school because she really liked him. She even pressured me to marry him after we graduated. Now she's okay with me dating, but she gets all nervous when I get serious about anyone. It's a good thing, in this case, that I live 3 hours away from my parents because I don't have to tell them that I'm dating someone until I'm ready to tell them. And since I am adamant about keeping my relationships off Facebook, there is no way for them to keep tabs on it.0
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Well, there is a reason the thought of grad school in Iowa was so appealing... :laugh:0
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funny how moms spend half the time trying to keep you away from boys when you're young and then try to marry you off after you hit 25 :laugh:0
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I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
And another form of societal pressure rears its head! Yes, of course any desire by a woman to not be married must be the result of a woman fooling herself, lying to herself, or deflecting how she really feels. I don't disagree that some women may do this, but I don't and I find it really condescending when people (not you) try to act like I just don't know what I want. Not everyone wants the same thing! I think this is the most frustrating thing about the societal pressure aspect of being single.
And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.0 -
And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.
Ha..this is so true! And then all those 35-45 year old unhappily married men will come and hit on me. Sigh.0 -
I get that some people are so fiercely independent that they don't ever want the strings that come with being married, and that's cool. But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
And another form of societal pressure rears its head! Yes, of course any desire by a woman to not be married must be the result of a woman fooling herself, lying to herself, or deflecting how she really feels. I don't disagree that some women may do this, but I don't and I find it really condescending when people (not you) try to act like I just don't know what I want. Not everyone wants the same thing! I think this is the most frustrating thing about the societal pressure aspect of being single.
And yeah, my friends were all happily married when they were 30 also. Give it another 5-10 years.
So you're in the first group of people I mentioned ... the ones who know they don't ever want to get married. Good for you. I've acknowledged that those people exist.
But it is just a fact that a lot of women really do want to be married, and they pretend they're okay with being single forever because it somehow seems less pathetic than openly admitting "Yes, I want to be married, and I have no idea why I haven't found the right guy yet." A lot of men are the same way, but it's more acceptable (these days) for a man to be unmarried, so there's not as much pressure on them to come up with a reason. However, I do have friends who work for big law firms where a lot of the partners are older men who don't so much approve of a guy still being a bachelor into his late 30s and bringing a different woman to every social event. They assume it means he has an unstable personal life (and honestly, some of them do).
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.0 -
When I was younger, yes, there was a little. My mother insisted on a catholic kind of a wedding. She wanted me to marry a nice, preferably latina, catholic girl. I resisted. At the age of 13, I told them that church just wasn't for me. They were shocked. Thought I was becoming an atheist. I reassured them if I ever was, they would be the first to know. At one point, in my mid 20's, my mother reassured me she would love me no matter what. Which eventually lead to the "Are you gay?" ( - _ -)
My extended family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, would also bring it up on occasion. It was indirect, but there. The older I get, the smaller my pool of women will be. I should just go to Mexico, women will fight over me. Yeah, no. If I get married, it's for love, not because the girl just wants papers to come live in the USA. I have 1 uncle, in his early 50's. Never been married. I used to get teased that I would become like him. This has waned over the years. I don't get it anymore.0 -
So you're in the first group of people I mentioned ... the ones who know they don't ever want to get married. Good for you. I've acknowledged that those people exist.
But it is just a fact that a lot of women really do want to be married, and they pretend they're okay with being single forever because it somehow seems less pathetic than openly admitting "Yes, I want to be married, and I have no idea why I haven't found the right guy yet." A lot of men are the same way, but it's more acceptable (these days) for a man to be unmarried, so there's not as much pressure on them to come up with a reason. However, I do have friends who work for big law firms where a lot of the partners are older men who don't so much approve of a guy still being a bachelor into his late 30s and bringing a different woman to every social event. They assume it means he has an unstable personal life (and honestly, some of them do).
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.
:noway: Wow, there's a lot of judgment thrown in there.0 -
It is uncommon to not want the kind of companionship that comes with marriage. It's human nature to want that bond with someone. Now, some people (George Clooney springs to mind) want the companionship without the legality, but I put them in the "want to be married" category because their behavior suggests that they very much enjoy the benefits of having a steady, stable relationship, as opposed to never committing to one person. You may very well be one of those uncommon people who genuinely has no desire to have those kinds of ties to someone. But it is not unreasonable or condescending to suggest that a lot of women make that claim to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about their marital status, either because they aren't seeing anyone or because they've been in a relationship with a guy for several years with no proposal in sight.
You can want and have companionship and a stable relationship without getting married. Some people (for example, me) just don't see the benefit of being legally tied to another person via marriage. That doesn't mean we don't want companionship or a stable relationship.0 -
I'm sure there are instances where some old g-ma is grumpy about it but why care - people like that are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. If we don't accept those standards anymore then who cares if they disapprove?
As an old g-ma :laugh: let me just say that I don't care who is married or not unless I want to sleep with them.
Not all people who care are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. Some people who care about this are women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
I am more happy now that I'm single than I ever was when I was married. If you're happy, who cares what anybody else thinks? Apparently, lots of people.0 -
women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
Wait, this isn't real??? :ohwell:0 -
Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.But I also think a lot of people, especially women, reach an age where they try to convince themselves that they're happy not being married because they need something with which to deflect all the prying questions and raised eyebrows from people who assume there must be something inherently wrong with you if you're over 30 and not married.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
You will never ever get someone to admit this though. These people are lying to themselves, otherwise they would just have to admit that their life is a big pile of poopoo - but that would go against their coping mechanism.
The areas where you will see that often are marriage, children (No, I have never wanted children! says the woman who realises she will probably never have them), relationships (I just haven't found the right person!).
I guess it's easier to say that than to admit our failures.0 -
women who are a lot younger than me but expect some fairy tale kind of LOVE OF YOUR LIFE kind of pipe dream in which your knight in shining armor comes along and whisks you away and makes your life meaningful and complete.
Wait, this isn't real??? :ohwell:
Only if you TRULY believe.0 -
Without going as far as talking about marriage, yes, this is a very common behaviour where people will "appropriate themselves" the rejection they face, as a coping mechanism.
It's easier to reject yourself before anyone does it when people tend to reject you.
A lot of the people who claim right, left and center they are "single and happy to be!" are in reality simply not on anyone's wish list. Then they get busy and pretend that they don't have time for relationships, whereas they secretly crave for a relationship but relationships don't come to them, instead they get rejected. So they go further in their madness.
You can spot these people when at the slightest sign of interest from a potential partner they don't hesitate to leave their busy lifestyle the next day and are all over this person.
You will never ever get someone to admit this though. These people are lying to themselves, otherwise they would just have to admit that their life is a big pile of poopoo - but that would go against their coping mechanism.
The areas where you will see that often are marriage, children (No, I have never wanted children! says the woman who realises she will probably never have them), relationships (I just haven't found the right person!).
I guess it's easier to say that than to admit our failures.
WOW! "Madness"? "Our failures"? LOL.
I am pretty sure people are allowed to prefer being alone to being in a crap relationship or not wanting children, even if they are in posession of a vagina.
Yes, it can be a coping mechanism, but what is wrong with that? What if those folks are perfectly content to "lie" to themselves and live full and valuable lives, despite the fact they haven't secured a relationship or child or any other traditional marker of adulthood? Would it make us feel better if they said "no, of course I'm not happy - I'm completely miserable alone and my life is a big pile of poopoo and I will only feel good and/or worthy if I secure the very things I don't seem able to achieve, which therefore sets me up nicely for a lifetime of disgruntled unhappiness and prescription medication"?
I can admit I want a relationship..at some point. To be honest I'm having a little too much fun right now not committing to anyone or anything. But as for kids? Nope. I actually do not feel the need to have a child and truthfully never have, though have been presented the opportunity to do so by a few of my exes.0
