New and in need of support!

yoshna

Hey

I started using MFP yesterday, and just found this group - I'm really, really happy to have stumbled across it.

I've been struggling with binge eating for two years, since I was diagnosed with an ongoing medical condition...I think eating just became a way for me to deal with it, as I haven't talked about it very much! Which is ridiculous, because eating junk food (which is generally what I will do when I binge) makes my condition worse.

Thankfully I didn't stop exercising, so I've only gained around 20lbs (I say only...when I write it down, 20lb is something!), which I'm now working to lose and return to my healthy weight. But the most important thing for me right now is to STOP compulsive over eating. It feels really strange to write this down, as I haven't told a single person about it; I feel so embarrassed. I'll go out, buy a load of crap (if that supermarket isn't open I'll go to three or four different shops just so shop keepers don't think I'm greedy - I don't have a clue why!) and hide away, sometimes eating late at night so no one will cotton on. And if I'm alone in my flat for a few days (as I am at the moment), it's not pretty.

Yesterday was my first binge-free day in a week. Today is day 2. I'm setting myself the goal of staying on track for the whole of April, and hoping that after these 31 days it'll start to feel a little easier.

I feel like I really need people to share this with, to come and talk to when I feel like I need to binge, and people who know what it feels like to be out of control who can tell me I'm alright. SO...Hi! Looking forward to getting to know you

Graelwyn75

Hi, and welcome.
Sounds like you are in the Uk as well. I too would go and buy in a load of food, and sit alone eating it, though I rarely do that now, but I spent over 6 weeks doing this last year and gained 14Ibs + from it. I still have a lot of issues with emotional eating, due to dissatisfaction with my life, boredom, loneliness and the like. Once I am on track, I am on track, but it only takes one weaker moment to derail me for a few days, like Easter, as an example.

Hope you will join in the April binge challenge on here when the thread is posted. You post everyday what your binge vs success tally is to keep track of the good days and keep you accountable. Good that you kept up the exercising, I was feeling so bad when I had my bad phase, that I stopped going to the gym totally for the most part.

yoshna

Thank you

Easter definitely was a tough one for me too! It's encouraging to hear you say that once you're on track, you're on track - I know it's going to be an up-and-down sort of journey, but now that I've decided it's time to sort it out I'm determined that I'm going to stop. I think an important part of that is learning to forgive myself for the days when I do eat a little bit too much, and not let them turn into a total mess.

That sounds great, will definitely join the challenge. Sounds perfect!

Chibea

Glad you found us!! I can tell from reading your intro that you will find many kindred spirits here :ohwell:
Yes, forgive yourself! I think that is such an important part of recovering from this! I love this group because the people on here forgive me when I can't forgive myself, and I think that has really made all the difference.

yoshna

Thanks Chibea It sounds silly, but I feel so incredibly happy to know there's somewhere I can go just to write it out and have people who know the score just read it.

mmmartje

I can relate, I sometimes binge on stuff either made out of milk or containing milk even though I'm lactose intolerant and KNOW that it will make me feel sick. It's crazy! But I'm glad to have found this community as well, being able to talk about it, even if it is (or maybe especially because it is) to strangers can help so much. We can build each other up when we're down and get the strength to stop bingeing.

I sent you a friend request, I'm hoping you'll accept.

Phoenix212

I'm also new and I'm glad you've had the courage to tell your story. I've done the exact same thing and it's great to know you're not alone, even if it is embarrassing and something you desperately want to change. The hardest part for me is that I still battle with feeling disgusting and uncomfortable afterwards and forgetting that feeling immediately the next day. Day in and day of out swearing never again only to try to rationalize why one more time isn't a problem. Somehow no matter how bad physically I feel the next day I still want to keep doing it. Not to mention, it gets expensive!

So thank you for stepping out and helping me do so a little too.

yoshna

Hey guys mmmartje, accepted, as you know!

Phoenix - thank you for sharing, it really is kinda nice to know you're not the only one. Haha that's true, it does get pricey...that should be motivation enough, I just can't afford it anymore!

Coming to the end of day 4 now and feeling ok, but not 100% today; haven't binged or overeaten, but have that 'oh, but maybe one last time' kind of feeling starting to creep up on me. Luckily my brother's coming over in a bit to crash for the night, so he should distract me

mathildapops

Hi I've just joined this group, really need to stop sabotaging my efforts. At least once or twice a week I binge. Not because I'm hungry. I don't know why. Today was not good. I had breakfast, a mid morning snack, my lunch at 1.30 and was well on track for a good day I even prepped tea before work. Then I came home from work! In between 4 & 4.30 I had... Homemade warm chocolate brownie With ice cream, a bag of cheese & onion crisps, a small bag of mini eggs, a caramel wafer bar, a piece of brie, another small bag of mini eggs and 1/2 a chocolate buttons Easter egg (that wasn't even mine)! Why? I don't know. Needless to say I felt sick and couldn't eat my tea. I am now in bed still feeling sick with a headache and stomache ache. I couldn't even go out for my nightly walk. I do this all the time and just don't know what drives me to compulsively binge. :-(

yoshna

Hey Mathilda...I know how you feel. You are not alone! But we CAN stop doing it, and we will.

veggiegurl1220

Hi everyone! New to the group, but not new to binge eating. I am a senior in college and have been struggling with body image issues since middle school and compulsive eating since freshman year.

It was impossible for me to understand and forgive myself for a long time as well. But my friend introduced me to Geneen Roth and her books have changed my life. I wanted to share a few quotes from her most enlightening book, "Women, Food, and God."

I copied these quotes from her book onto notecards and they serve as good reminders for me.

"Our work is not to change what you do but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness, that the lies and old delusions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted, or overwhelmed, or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. You will stop turning to food when you start understanding in your body, not just your mind, that there is something better than turning to food."

"When you are lonely, your body feels empty. When you are sad, it feels as if there is a Mack truck sitting on your lungs. Grief feels like tidal waves knocking you down, joy like champagne bubbles welling up in your arms, your legs, your belly. Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies... Our bodies don't lie. Which is, of course, why so many of us learned to zip out of them at the first sign of trouble."

"There are many ways to deprive yourself: You can deprive yourself of cookies, or you can deprive yourself of feeling well after eating them. You can deprive yourself of feeling your sadness or you can deprive yourself of the confidence and well-beig that come from knowing you won't be destroyed by feeling it."

"The most difficult part of teaching people to respect and listen to their bodies is overcoming their conviction that there is nothing to respect...The possibility that there is a place in them, in everyone, that is unbroken, that has never gained a pound, never been hungry, never been wounded, seems like a myth...But then I ask them about babies...and how they come into the world already gorgeous and utterly deserving of love. They nod their heads. They realize that brokenness is learned, not innate, and that their work is to find their way back to what is already whole."

Even with all of these resources and understanding, I have re-entered some very harmful patterns lately. I would like to start tracking food again as a way to keep mindful of and present with what I am eating.

I would love to have some friends help me along the way.

"

Graelwyn75

Hi everyone! New to the group, but not new to binge eating. I am a senior in college and have been struggling with body image issues since middle school and compulsive eating since freshman year.

It was impossible for me to understand and forgive myself for a long time as well. But my friend introduced me to Geneen Roth and her books have changed my life. I wanted to share a few quotes from her most enlightening book, "Women, Food, and God."

I copied these quotes from her book onto notecards and they serve as good reminders for me.

"Our work is not to change what you do but to witness what you do with enough awareness, enough curiosity, enough tenderness, that the lies and old delusions upon which the compulsion is based become apparent and fall away. When you no longer believe that eating will save your life when you feel exhausted, or overwhelmed, or lonely, you will stop. When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it were your only chance at not falling apart. You will stop turning to food when you start understanding in your body, not just your mind, that there is something better than turning to food."

"When you are lonely, your body feels empty. When you are sad, it feels as if there is a Mack truck sitting on your lungs. Grief feels like tidal waves knocking you down, joy like champagne bubbles welling up in your arms, your legs, your belly. Our minds are like politicians; they make stuff up, they twist the truth. Our minds are masters at blame, but our bodies... Our bodies don't lie. Which is, of course, why so many of us learned to zip out of them at the first sign of trouble."

"There are many ways to deprive yourself: You can deprive yourself of cookies, or you can deprive yourself of feeling well after eating them. You can deprive yourself of feeling your sadness or you can deprive yourself of the confidence and well-beig that come from knowing you won't be destroyed by feeling it."

"The most difficult part of teaching people to respect and listen to their bodies is overcoming their conviction that there is nothing to respect...The possibility that there is a place in them, in everyone, that is unbroken, that has never gained a pound, never been hungry, never been wounded, seems like a myth...But then I ask them about babies...and how they come into the world already gorgeous and utterly deserving of love. They nod their heads. They realize that brokenness is learned, not innate, and that their work is to find their way back to what is already whole."

Even with all of these resources and understanding, I have re-entered some very harmful patterns lately. I would like to start tracking food again as a way to keep mindful of and present with what I am eating.

I would love to have some friends help me along the way.

"

Wonderful book quote, thanks for sharing, it does make you think. Do we look at our child selves and experience feelings of disgust and anger at them ? We are older, and have had more experiences, but we remain, essentially, the same people inside.

mmmartje

Hi veggiegurl, just thought I'd say hi to my new friend I love these quotes you've posted. I think noticing some harmful patterns re-emerging is the first stap to changing them (of course the second step would be tracking them and then actually changing them )
Everyone does deserve love and support from each other and I'll try to give just that. But another crucial part of the journey I believe is self-compassion.
Personally i think I've been to hard on myself lately and perhaps too strict so I'm trying to let go a little and give myself some room.
When I think about myself when I was younger, it hardly feels like the same person, mainly I see growth by experiences but I also feel a loss of innocence.