How do you tell your girlfriend “be cute for this?”

JanieJack

A guy friend asked for advice about his girlfriend. She is the type that can dress up or dress down and he’s usually happy with her appearance (T shirt to sporting events, dress up for dinners out). So he was surprised when he took her to meet some old family friends and she dressed super casual, no makeup, hair pulled back. She didn’t really shine in front of his old friends and he was kinda embarrassed. She’s supposed to join his family trip soon, and he doesn’t want her looking like that. He wants her fabulous but doesn’t know how to tell her how to put her best appearance forth without making her mad.

My thought is just tell her if it’s that important to him. I know that’s easier said than done, and the typical lady would get so offended she might end the relationship. But then appearance is important to me (I’m the girl who told my boyfriend he had bad teeth), and if my boyfriend felt like I was dressed out of place for something, I would hope he’d discuss it with me so I don’t make that mistake again.

What do you think? What would you tell him?

Have you ever been in this situation? What happened?



Edit to add: It's some kind of vacation/conference combo- a cruise where most of the time people will be dressed in business attire and then cruise but still dressy at night.

His thing is she doesn't look that great w/o makeup, and he's ok with it when they're at home or in the woods, but he said he would be really embarrassed if she went too casual for this trip.

A female coworker said if she looked that bad he shouldn't be dating her. Let her find someone who appreciate her natural appearance.

My take is that some people just need help, and there's nothing wrong with admitting your partner doesn't look so good without makeup. Maybe it's because I have a lot of scarring and can totally understand this without being offended. Nothing wrong with wanting your partner to look their best during certain events.

MissingMinnesota

Are they doing something that would require to be more dressed up? I think it would depend on what they are doing. If it is dinner with the family he could say "my family is kind of old school and they like everyone to dress for it."

TheKitsune6

He's embarrassed because his girlfriend didn't dress up to meet friends? What kind of gathering was this? If he wants her to dress snazzy for something then he needs to be clear about his expectations. If all he says is "We're going to a BBQ to meet my friends", or something similar then that's how I would dress. I assume he didn't let on that this was special event because he says he's never had this problem before.

There's a part of me that's a little grossed out that he was "embarrassed" because she dressed casually, but some people just have those kinds of expectations.

So yeah. If he wants her to dress up then he should tell her that this is a dressy-casual event or something similar.

RunIntheMud

Does he have a favorite dress or outfit? Maybe he could say something about it... "hey, could you wear this dress? You look beautiful in it....yada, yada..."

JanieJack

It's some kind of vacation/conference combo- a cruise where most of the time people will be dressed in business attire and then cruise but still dressy at night.

His thing is she doesn't look that great w/o makeup, and he's ok with it when they're at home or in the woods, but he said he would be really embarrassed if she went too casual for this trip.

A female coworker said if she looked that bad he shouldn't be dating her. Let her find someone who appreciate her natural appearance.

My take is that some people just need help, and there's nothing wrong with admitting your partner doesn't look so good without makeup. Maybe it's because I have a lot of scarring and can totally understand this without being offended. Nothing wrong with wanting your partner to look their best during certain events. And if your partner doesn't naturally know to do this, it's better to tell them rather than be angry, frustrated, irritated, and stew about this later (or worse yet, dump them for not knowing better!!)

christine24t

My friends boyfriend told her to buy a whole new wardrobe for a trip they were going on. It really bothered me at the time that he would demand that of her (spend her own money on new everything) but she seemed okay with it.

The only way he can say something is to go shopping with her and suggest clothing items and hope she likes them and wears them on her vacation, but he cannot have a conversation with her and say "I don't like the way you dress." Absolutely not.

Clothes are an extremely personal choice and I wouldn't think of ever telling someone I didn't like their clothes. The only way around it is to again suggest "hey, I love that green blouse of yours you wear with the skinny jeans. You should wear that!"

As far as makeup, it's not a big deal, right, unless the person has a lot of acne or something and would like to cover it with foundation. I didn't wear makeup until I was 18, I had to decide when to wear it...and sometimes there are days where I feel better without it.

This is just a vacation...aka a trip where you're supposed to relax and have fun, not wear a full face of makeup, especially in the hot sun? If he is really that embarrassed to bring her without makeup, just tell him to dump her because that is kind of superficial. The only place I could see telling someone to wear makeup is an extremely important event, like your own wedding or the Met Gala.

christine24t

He's embarrassed because his girlfriend didn't dress up to meet friends? What kind of gathering was this? If he wants her to dress snazzy for something then he needs to be clear about his expectations. If all he says is "We're going to a BBQ to meet my friends", or something similar then that's how I would dress. I assume he didn't let on that this was special event because he says he's never had this problem before.

There's a part of me that's a little grossed out that he was "embarrassed" because she dressed casually, but some people just have those kinds of expectations.

So yeah. If he wants her to dress up then he should tell her that this is a dressy-casual event or something similar.

Exactly. That is the only way I can see that conversation going over okay, and then in the end if she chooses something else it is her choice and that is that!!

AnnaPixie

Anyone 'embarrassed' to be with someone, shouldnt be with them! Simple as that really.

RunIntheMud

Exactly what Anna said. If he's embarrassed by her without makeup, he needs to let her go.

EBFNP

Hmm..sounds like this guy is insecure. She needs to break up with him. Eventually he's going to cheat on her for "something better" because he is not comfortable with his choice. Sorry, that is the way I see it. This situation has disaster all over it!

2stepz

If someone wanted me to put on makeup to meet his family, I'd be gone.

JanieJack

I hear what people are saying about if he doesn't like her the way she is move on... but i guess i'm having a hard time with that because it's the incredibly rare guy (or woman for that matter) who looks at all my scars and isn't just a little bit turned off.

So if I only held out for guys who would like me au natural in public view, then I'd have a very, very small dating pool indeed.

BB says I'm still beautiful without makeup... but since he never takes picturs of me camping or beach or any place where it naturally rubs away... somehow I suspect the only reason he says that is to make me feel good (or because he knows when I take the make up off I'm about to kiss his face off, lol).

EBFNP

Its funny because all the men I meet while I am out, I always have NO makeup on. I do have acne scars, but I don't know. I think its more of reflection of the man himself. Obviously your friend is secure without makeup.

JanieJack

I asked him why he has dated her for a couple months if he doesn't like her non makeup appearance. He said this was the first time they ever "went somewhere" and she wasn't made up. He said a man oughtta be able to show off his girlfriend in front of his mates, that she's super hot with makup on and he wanted to show off what a hottie he was dating.

Part of me says it shouldn't matter that much - because I rarely see women that makeup matters that much for. But then I think to my situation and I can totally understand where he's coming from.

EBFNP

Regardless, he should be proud to stand next to his girl regardless of the circumstances. I think he's insecure that his family/friends don't like how she looks. He may have superficial family members or friends, IMO!

nolachick

Regardless, he should be proud to stand next to his girl regardless of the circumstances. I think he's insecure that his family/friends don't like how she looks. He may have superficial family members or friends, IMO!

yup.

I usually dress up if not over dress for a lot of things. last guy I dated was always super casual and I kinda wanted him to dress up sometimes but I never once said it because I liked him for who he was not what he wore.

the telling someone to dress up because its an important event is one thing, I like for my guy to tell me so and so will be there so I know I need to dress to impress.

but the make up thing??? jeez he sounds superficial and def sounds like he doesn't care about her that much or that wouldn't be a problem.

Mellie289

I went to an event with my BF the 5th week were dating - at a dinner the night before (where I wore a nice dress, makeup, etc.) the person overseeing everything said for people to wear their casual clothes and comfortable shoes for the next day. I wore my runners with an outfit that was casual, but nice still (skort and floral top), but the shoes were too casual! This was a rose trial, so I thought we might be walking through dirt gardens - but it turns out they were all paved sidewalks around the rose beds. I got some ribbing from by BF, but I was actually more annoyed that HE didn't say anything to ME when I walked right out the door that I should wear shoes that were a little dressier. What girl wants to show up under dressed!

It sounds to me like she is the kind of girl who likes to get made up if the occasion calls for it, but is otherwise happy to slob around without makeup and a ponytail. I think he can tell her in a nice way to dress for the events on the cruise. I'm not sure about the makeup thing though for daytime. For me, it's usually a choice between heavy duty sunscreen and makeup (only SPF15). If he wants her all dolled up, he can easily tell her something along the lines of "just so you know for when you're packing, everyone will be dressed up and women will be made-up for the evenings." It's up to her whether she will follow his trip dress code suggestions and they can decide to see each other or not based on whether he is proud or embarrassed to have her at his side after that.

It sounds like this guy and his girlfriend aren't on the same page when it comes to expectations in this area. He needs to respectfully communicate his expectations and she can agree or walk away.

christine24t

I hear what people are saying about if he doesn't like her the way she is move on... but i guess i'm having a hard time with that because it's the incredibly rare guy (or woman for that matter) who looks at all my scars and isn't just a little bit turned off.

So if I only held out for guys who would like me au natural in public view, then I'd have a very, very small dating pool indeed.

BB says I'm still beautiful without makeup... but since he never takes picturs of me camping or beach or any place where it naturally rubs away... somehow I suspect the only reason he says that is to make me feel good (or because he knows when I take the make up off I'm about to kiss his face off, lol).

To me that's different though...he probably doesn't because he knows you wouldn't like it, not because he is embarrassed and wants to hide you.

You should like to look good for your boyfriend or girlfriend and you shouldn't "let yourself go" but the person should also feel free to relax some days and go makeup free, or dress down on a vacation.

ETA - I wore sweatpants and a sweatshirt on a first date once...to play racquetball. My friends all balked but I figured why not? If he doesn't like me in sweats and hair up in a ponytail, it wasn't worth it in the long run.

Tube_socks

This is a tough one. I'd want to be my very best when meeting bfs friends/ family. I can't imagine why I'd dress down if I normally didn't. I think he being embarrassed doesn't sound nice. I understand the logic but would hate to know those words came out of my bfs mouth about me.

DonnaNCgirl

His thing is she doesn't look that great w/o makeup, and he's ok with it when they're at home or in the woods, but he said he would be really embarrassed if she went too casual for this trip.

LOLZ Women who know how to wear makeup look A LOT BETTER with makeup. He should explain what kind of gatherings are expected and she should be able to figure it out. If she's offended, the question is why? This whole love me no matter what is unrealistic.

TheWinman

"His thing is she doesn't look that great w/o makeup, and he's ok with it when they're at home or in the woods, but he said he would be really embarrassed if she went too casual for this trip. "

Sounds like a real D-bag!

TheWinman

Anyone 'embarrassed' to be with someone, shouldnt be with them! Simple as that really.

Correct!

TheWinman

I hear what people are saying about if he doesn't like her the way she is move on... but i guess i'm having a hard time with that because it's the incredibly rare guy (or woman for that matter) who looks at all my scars and isn't just a little bit turned off.

So if I only held out for guys who would like me au natural in public view, then I'd have a very, very small dating pool indeed.

BB says I'm still beautiful without makeup... but since he never takes picturs of me camping or beach or any place where it naturally rubs away... somehow I suspect the only reason he says that is to make me feel good (or because he knows when I take the make up off I'm about to kiss his face off, lol).

Incrediblly rare? Seems like you're meeting the wrong people.

JanieJack

Incrediblly rare? Seems like you're in the wrong circle of people.

Ever since grade school. We can all go on about how "looks don't matter" but for most people I've interacted with, that's just not true. The good thing for me is that after years of spending lots of money on quality products and getting facials the scarring is MUCH better. But it still hurts when the first time someone I care for (whether a man or woman) sees me without the makeup and goes ewwww or wow with a cringe on their face.


This is why I always wear good quality waterproof makeup when I run races. And when camping if I'm able. Believe it or not, I actually found makeup that survived the Tough Mudder of all things. The only time I don't bother is when surfing/bodyboarding (useless) or when snuggling with my boyfriend.

I think I will just tell this guy to find a very respectful way of telling her that her public appearance is important to him. The right woman for him would not be offended by that. You could argue that the right woman for him would never need to be told that, because appearance would be very important to her too, but one thing I learned from "His Needs Her Needs" book is that many women do not understand HOW important an attractive spouse is to many men.

JanieJack

Women who know how to wear makeup look A LOT BETTER with makeup.

And no only do they look A LOT BETTER but when they're good at it the average person really can't TELL she's wearing any, unless they too are good at makeup. She looks so natural- yet fresh and bright.

AnnaPixie

Women who know how to wear makeup look A LOT BETTER with makeup.

And no only do they look A LOT BETTER but when they're good at it the average person really can't TELL she's wearing any, unless they too are good at makeup. She looks so natural- yet fresh and bright.

It's blatantly obvious when a woman has make-up on. Well, unless you're blind? lol

JanieJack

It's blatantly obvious when a woman has make-up on. Well, unless you're blind? lol

Oh no Anna, not always!! Not if they're good. You really have to look at them (without being a creeper) lol to see how they've enhanced their natural form. Sometimes it's obvious, like if you're playing with color and such but I've seen so many beautiful women who I would never known were wearing makeup until I asked them how they got their skin so smooth and gorgeous. You know me by now, I'll ask anyone anything I want to know and making my skin better has always been a top priority for me.

Some women who really cake it on, sure. But they're not "good."

AnnaPixie

But it still hurts when the first time someone I care for (whether a man or woman) sees me without the makeup and goes ewwww or wow with a cringe on their face.

Was this post about scarring or about a guy who wanted his g/f to wear make-up? Is the said woman scarred?? Sorry, I'm a bit confused..........

I think I will just tell this guy to find a very respectful way of telling her that her public appearance is important to him. The right woman for him would not be offended by that. You could argue that the right woman for him would never need to be told that, because appearance would be very important to her too, but one thing I learned from "His Needs Her Needs" book is that many women do not understand HOW important an attractive spouse is to many men.

Yes, I think you got it right when you said 'the right woman for him'. This woman clearly isn't!! If she feesl comfortable in her own skin to go out casual and natural and he's not happy with that, then he needs to find a woman that likes making/dressing up all the time.

Personally, I dont wear a lot of make up and I never have. The way you're talking Janie is like all women should wear it? Ermmm, understandable if you feel you need to cover up your scars, but not really necessary if you dont have any?? Some women feel naked without make-up. Some women feel totally at ease without much.

I've had many relationships in my life and all men have ever said to me is how I dont need to wear make-up. They like waking up with me naturally. I dont look any different........ Etc

So, its kinda strange to me that this guy should only be focused on makeup! I mean, a lot of guys don't even like women overly made up!!

Jeez! Let the woman just be herself. Her last b/f probably told her how lovely she looked without makeup and with a pony tail!!! Know what I mean?

JanieJack

I guess I kinda threadjacked my own thread, lol!

I guess she has roseacia or something that makes her face a really noticeable splotchy red. He's seen her without makeup, but it's always been in the context of the activity and something she covered up when they were done so he never cared. I guess she went to something with some of his old friends and didn't bother covering it up. I'm supposing she already knows her face gets ugly so, like me, she probably wouldn't be too offended. Maybe it was an accident- maybe she dropped her makeup and it cracked or she ran out or something. You never know.


I'm just relating my experience with scarring because while there are plenty of women out there who don't NEED makeup, there are some of us who look markedly different without it and so I, personally, don't think he is being a jerk by saying he wants her to wear makeup on this cruise/conference thing.

I wonder if people who ARE so offended by this don't know anyone who has to live with such a thing?

If she feesl comfortable in her own skin to go out casual and natural and he's not happy with that, then he needs to find a woman that likes making/dressing up all the time.

Guys like to show off their women. They like to have the good looking girl that other guys (and women) think how did he get HER. If he is used to her covering it up when they go out I don't see anything wrong with him expecting her to cover those splotches up when meeting his old family friends. I'm sure its not just military men, so I wish some of the guys would back me up here, but I'm ok with being wrong in the ladies eyes too.

What all this discussion is telling me is that for most women there's no real way to tell her. He should just end it and go look for someone else, despite all the good times they've had.

christine24t

The point I think most people are trying to make is that he wants this woman to change for him, but she appears happy and comfortable with herself. And as long as she's not a sloppy mess what's the big deal? My face is naturally a little red but I don't stress about it and it sounds like this girl doesn't care much either. Good for her!

I grew up with very casual parents...they wear jeans and sneakers everywhere. To any wedding my dad wears khakis and a short sleeved shirt, even very dressy weddings. So maybe I'm just used to that and accept them for who they are, rather than feeling embarrassed by them.

No one is saying your friend is a jerk, but if appearances matter that much to him that he risks offending the woman he likes or loves to ask her to put on some foundation and a little mascara because he is scared of what his friends think, he seems sort of petty. I understand the whole thing with men wanting attractive girlfriends, but no one can wear makeup all the time and nobody should be expected to be so glam on a cruise! It's a vacation!!!

AnnaPixie

The lady having a skin condition puts an entirely different light on the matter. I would have to bow down to your better judgement on that as I've never had to cover up particularly. In fact, I've never worn any type of foundation, although I have used a concealer for the odd blemish. If you dont think she'd be offended, then cool. I really dont know how i would react.

Like any sensitive subject, it's better to have the conversation when you're both relaxed and neutral. I can't imagine it would be an easy one to broach, but I guess if he said something to her like she looks a lot healthier when she covers up? Or has she had any treatment for her skin? Both would make her aware that he's aware and probably make her paranoid about it that she would make efforts to never let him be embarrassed again...........lol

It makes me sad when you think of men as show offs. I disagree that all men are like that. My last b/f always put his arm round me in public whether I looked dressed for cocktails or fit for bed. I think that was a major reason why I loved him so much