let's talk ... texting etiquette

kimad

So this came up in another thread about texting etiquette...
I know there is a variety of opinions on texting as a whole here on SP, but it got me to thinking....

I will use my example. I have been on a handful of dates with a boy over the last month.
From the get-go he has been very sparse in his response to texts. Some can take a couple hours, some can be quick (we can have hour long text convos), or we can actually be mid convo and he just vanishes. I realize he takes his kids, work, sports, seriously... and won't even look at his phone during these times... but.... what is ok? rude?

It is more the ones where we are mid convo that kind of annoy me.... it annoys me the more I think about it, I just mean, I get life is busy, you have to work, have kids, workout, blah blah, but can't you just say 'hey brb' 'talk to you later', 'I am heading to bed now' I also mentioned in my other post that sometimes when the convo gets dropped mid way, when he does text me again he never answers any outstanding questions, it's just 'hey how was your day?' or 'wow work was nuts'

I never really thought much of it, until someone in that other thread maybe it is a control thing? maybe they dont think you deserve an answer? But I almost wonder if they just aren't that into you? For me, this isn't a new trend, it's always been the way.... but I don't know? I am not used to this 'style' of texting, and almost wondering if it's a deal breaker for me.. I mean I am already feeling MEH about him anyways, it's hard to maintain interest when you get blotchy communication.... and only see eachother once every week/week and a half. (this could be more me perceiving things from the mood I am in.. having a hard time being burnt in the past and not overthinking this one but none the less, it's a valid question!!!

Anyways this is starting to lead to more about him, than the original post LOL!!! Just curious everyone's thoughts.

bregalad5

That's something that drives me batsh!t crazy, too. If I do it, it's considered rude, or I get, like, 10 messages (I've tested this with a couple guys who do it to me, haha) asking where I went, but if it's the guy, it's apparently perfectly acceptable to just disappear. I dunno, just what I've experienced.

I've taken it as they're not into me, which has wound up being true, but I have no idea with your guy. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this experience, or in your frustration!!

kimad

That's something that drives me batsh!t crazy, too. If I do it, it's considered rude, or I get, like, 10 messages (I've tested this with a couple guys who do it to me, haha) asking where I went, but if it's the guy, it's apparently perfectly acceptable to just disappear. I dunno, just what I've experienced.

Interesting point.....
So there have been men, that when I don't respond (or quick enough) I get a couple follow up texts...

ONE time I did this with current boy who the original post is about, and becuase all he said was 'hell ya' I had nothing really to say in response.. I never got any follow up texts as to where I went... He messaged me the next day.... So it's interesting he does it to me, and the one time I did it to him I get no follow up response... where most men would... so leads me to wonder if he really just doesn't give a crap about texts.

kimad

So I got to thinking about this alll..... and I went and checked all my current messages on my phone..

I did it to someone today ... lol... He asked me what I was up too and I said I was shopping for shorts, but had a hard time finding any... he sent LOL... and I didn't respond. I didn't really have much to respond too. If he had asked a question, I could have kept the convo going.

So this could really answer those mindless texts you have, but case in point yesterday I had asked a specific question and got no answer... what I guess I am saying is, I can be guilty as charged too to some degree...

LGrill27

can't you just say 'hey brb' 'talk to you later', 'I am heading to bed now'

But I almost wonder if they just aren't that into you? For me, this isn't a new trend, it's always been the way.... but I don't know? I am not used to this 'style' of texting, and almost wondering if it's a deal breaker for me.. I mean I am already feeling MEH about him anyways, it's hard to maintain interest when you get blotchy communication....

I completely agree with you. At the least communicate "I'll chat with you later"

About your are already having that MEH feeling about him... Your apprehension towards him may be correct.

christine24t

I think this is such a good topic to discuss here, thanks for bringing it up Kim!

There is a certain ebb and flow that texting needs, otherwise it can get incredibly one-sided fast, as it isn't truly real "conversation." If you:

- said something to someone in person and they didn't respond, it would be rude.
- asked a question and they didn't respond, and instead turned the conversation to another topic, it would be rude.
- waited 5 hours to cultivate a witty response to someone, it would be rude.

But apparently in texting it is okay??

Like Cesar said in the other thread, I do work odd hours and understand that if someone texts me at 2 PM on a Thursday, I might be asleep, but when I wake, I will respond. That isn't the problem, nor is it a problem if I initiate a text and the person doesn't respond, to me there is usually a valid answer: in class, at work, hanging out with family, with their boyfriend, etc. But if you're texting with someone and all of a sudden they stop responding and give you no valid answer as to why they stopped, it is upsetting and quite rude.

kimad

About your are already having that MEH feeling about him... Your apprehension towards him may be correct.

I am really not sure what I am feeling.. yes some MEH, but also I think I am just struggling with my past. I was burned, IMO badly, about 2 months ago. So now I am overthinking this one... He technically hasn't changed any, but becuase I feel he's going to poof, I perceive the text drops, etc. as bad... when really it was happening all along... I have had some moments of insecurity (all in text), which were evident, so I am just left feeling vulnerable.. I am almost at the point texts aren't good for my state of mine HAHA, in person I am confident, happy, appear stable, then I send a text that may be misterpreted or read someone elses the wrong way... and I overthink

I am a hazard to myself...

christine24t

I did it to someone today ... lol... He asked me what I was up too and I said I was shopping for shorts, but had a hard time finding any... he sent LOL... and I didn't respond. I didn't really have much to respond too. If he had asked a question, I could have kept the convo going.

You do not have to respond to an LOL.

If he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could've said something like "LOL well I think you'll find some! What stores are you at?" or "Good luck! Text me a pic of them later." If I'm talking with a friend, and I want to keep the conversation going, I engage them. If a person responds LOL or some one word answer, it's kind of a end to the conversation. At least this guy said LOL or something, you know, rather than not responding to your text at all.

Just re-reading my texts and today, there were numerous times during my chat with my friend that one of us could've said LOL and ended it, but instead, we ask questions and keep going.

kimad

I did it to someone today ... lol... He asked me what I was up too and I said I was shopping for shorts, but had a hard time finding any... he sent LOL... and I didn't respond. I didn't really have much to respond too. If he had asked a question, I could have kept the convo going.

You do not have to respond to an LOL.

If he wanted to keep the conversation going, he could've said something like "LOL well I think you'll find some! What stores are you at?" If I'm talking with a friend, and I want to keep the conversation going, I engage them. If a person responds LOL or some one word answer, it's kind of a end to the conversation. At least this guy said LOL or something, you know, rather than not responding to your text at all.

Exactly Christine.. if you are busy as you mentioned, I think it is ok to have a lengthy time of replying. We are technically not supposed to text at work, so if I am being a good girl I could only text at lunch. If someone sends the text at 9am they may be waiting awhile.... So I guess you are right, the issue is MID CONVOS that are ENGAGING! lol!!

I am learning, thru Moe , to engage with my words rather than saying 'yes that sounds good' say 'yes that sounds good, when should we get together?' I had asked him a question last night that warranted an answer, so personally I think it can be considered rude from my perspective -- but if he got home and got busy with his kids, is it still rude? I personally think so .. I don't know, I guess it comes down to how you feel about texting in general.

I know people in here are anti texting... so their opinions will be interesting to hear.

bregalad5

can't you just say 'hey brb' 'talk to you later', 'I am heading to bed now'

I completely agree with you. At the least communicate "I'll chat with you later"

This is what I hate the most. One of my friends works nights, and sometimes we'll talk before he goes to sleep at like noon or so, and we'll be mid-conversation. I know he's going to go to sleep soon, but he'll just disappear, then 8-9 hours respond. At least give me the courtesy of saying that's when you're going to sleep instead of totally leaving me hanging. Just drives me nuts...

Maybe I just prefer normal conversation, even though I'm socially awkward so tend to blush and giggle way too much when I'm talking to people?

kimad

can't you just say 'hey brb' 'talk to you later', 'I am heading to bed now'

I completely agree with you. At the least communicate "I'll chat with you later"

This is what I hate the most. One of my friends works nights, and sometimes we'll talk before he goes to sleep at like noon or so, and we'll be mid-conversation. I know he's going to go to sleep soon, but he'll just disappear, then 8-9 hours respond. At least give me the courtesy of saying that's when you're going to sleep instead of totally leaving me hanging. Just drives me nuts...

Maybe I just prefer normal conversation, even though I'm socially awkward so tend to blush and giggle way too much when I'm talking to people?

As I said in another response above, I am almost thinking - with men I am trying to date - that texts are a hazard for me HAHA!!

christine24t

So I guess you are right, the issue is MID CONVOS that are ENGAGING! lol!!

I had asked him a question last night that warranted an answer, so personally I think it can be considered rude from my perspective -- but if he got home and got busy with his kids, is it still rude? I personally think so ..

It is rude. Because you know what? If he was with his kids, he could've said this morning, "I'm sorry I didn't respond last night, my kids got home and we watched a movie" or "I'm sorry for not responding last night, I had to put the kids to bed and then I ended up crashing on the couch." Not silence on the matter.

I don't want to down this guy when I don't know him but that seems rude to just not respond back to your question and then hours later, ask your own.

You should be on your best behavior for dating. If a person is already acting a certain way when they're just getting to know you, imagine how they will be in five years once the honeymoon phase has worn off, and they see you in the morning without makeup, and there's screaming kids in the background, and there are bills to pay, you know?

Maybe I just prefer normal conversation, even though I'm socially awkward so tend to blush and giggle way too much when I'm talking to people?

Agree.

I am shy and things, yeah, but I would rather just see someone in person instead of texting back and forth for a long time. I think there are toooo many opportunities to come across wrong on text. There was one time I was really mad at a friend for about a week because of a way she responded to my text. My mom even said, "I'm sure she didn't mean it like that, but it does sound terrible." I wish I still had it to copy here, it was on my old phone.

bregalad5

can't you just say 'hey brb' 'talk to you later', 'I am heading to bed now'

I completely agree with you. At the least communicate "I'll chat with you later"

This is what I hate the most. One of my friends works nights, and sometimes we'll talk before he goes to sleep at like noon or so, and we'll be mid-conversation. I know he's going to go to sleep soon, but he'll just disappear, then 8-9 hours respond. At least give me the courtesy of saying that's when you're going to sleep instead of totally leaving me hanging. Just drives me nuts...

Maybe I just prefer normal conversation, even though I'm socially awkward so tend to blush and giggle way too much when I'm talking to people?

As I said in another response above, I am almost thinking - with men I am trying to date - that texts are a hazard for me HAHA!!

Haha yeah, sorry, I kinda stopped, quoted, and responded without reading everything :P Long, busy day at work after being out way too late...

kimad

So I guess you are right, the issue is MID CONVOS that are ENGAGING! lol!!

I had asked him a question last night that warranted an answer, so personally I think it can be considered rude from my perspective -- but if he got home and got busy with his kids, is it still rude? I personally think so ..

It is rude. Because you know what? If he was with his kids, he could've said this morning, "I'm sorry I didn't respond last night, my kids got home and we watched a movie" or "I'm sorry for not responding last night, I had to put the kids to bed and then I ended up crashing on the couch." Not silence on the matter.

I don't want to down this guy when I don't know him but that seems rude to just not respond back to your question and then hours later, ask your own.

You should be on your best behavior for dating. If a person is already acting a certain way when they're just getting to know you, imagine how they will be in five years once the honeymoon phase has worn off, and they see you in the morning without makeup, and there's screaming kids in the background, and there are bills to pay, you know?

You know what Christine, this is what I am starting to think.... you are absolutely right, and although I think some of this may be my mind playing games with me (I am overthinking this one hugely/had a couple blips of insecurity in texts), I think there is alot of 'merit' behind some of my feelings. Yes it has been this way from day one, BUT really is that ok? probably not.

ETA: when you look at it solely from a dating perspective it seems more annoying than with your friends does that make sense? You know your friends well enough to know something probably came up, and they will get back to you.... but there is always that nagging feeling 'is he poofing' HAHA I never used to worry about poofing until I was introduced to the term on here

christine24t

ETA: when you look at it solely from a dating perspective it seems more annoying than with your friends does that make sense? You know your friends well enough to know something probably came up, and they will get back to you.... but there is always that nagging feeling 'is he poofing' HAHA I never used to worry about poofing until I was introduced to the term on here

Oh absolutely. With three date guy I overanalyzed every text so I get it. It is worse. That is the thing. With your friend, you know them, there are reasons in their life to explain their nuances. But if a guy is trying to impress you, and he's acting like this...no good.

Found a text etiquette list:

Too many abbreviations can be obnoxious.
Do not text in the movie theater, during class, at the dinner table, or while on a date. This should be obvious.
Be aware of your tone. It is really easy to come off as a douche if you lack correct punctuation or a long enough response. Re-read your text before you send it and consider how you would take it if it were sent to you.
Take the god damn ring tone off for your texts. Extremely annoying!
Ending every short text such as “okay” or “yep” in a period will not get you laid. Only thing people assume from that is you are trying to be short or end the conversation.
ALWAYS end a conversation. Just like on the phone or in person, you are a true *kitten* if you are sent a goodbye from someone and you do not respond. No matter what the situation is.
Smiley faces are fine as long as they are used in moderation.
No one is impressed with unnecessarily long words in texts. Why? They make you look like a pretentious *kitten*-bag.
“k” should NEVER be a text. At least spell out the word “okay”.
“haha” and “lol” are only acceptable if something was actually funny or if you are being sarcastic.
There are some conversations that just should not be had over texts. Examples: breaking up, asking a person out, past relationships, personal issues, etc.
Respond to texts ASAP. So rude to ignore a text. If preoccupied, at least say “I’m busy; I’ll text/call you later”. If it takes you more than three hours to respond to a text there better be a reason.
Do not forward chain messages. Super lame.

baraccus

I have to admit one of my huge pet peeves when it comes to texting is when I ask someone a question and they don't reply, even days after...I suppose they could have been busy and missed it, but I go back and look at my texts to see if I missed something when I'm not busy. Short responses are alright if you're busy and trying to keep a conversation going but don't try and fill an entire conversation with 2-4 letter words...

And as you said before, texting is an easy way to communicate but you really should treat it like a normal conversation like Christine said.

I will say I'm guilty of getting distracted at work and such when someone walks into my office and starts talking to me, because I don't want to end my text conversation when someone is talking to me in person.

kimad

Be aware of your tone. It is really easy to come off as a douche if you lack correct punctuation or a long enough response. Re-read your text before you send it and consider how you would take it if it were sent to you.[/b]

Be aware of your tone... this has been a hard one for me since being burned with date 5 guy... This happened 2 weeks ago, I read funny guys' joke in a premise of fear (due to my past), and if he had said it in person with a laugh, I wouldn't have thought twice about it...

Then a couple nights ago I sent a text...that wasn't even questioned by him, but then I questioned it, and clarified... which made me look stupid and insecure... Had we have been in person, we could have read eachother's tone/intention.

So I am starting to realize I act normal in person, and I suck with texting men! haha!

But alot of people use texting as a form of communication now (I know people on SP prefer it) but it's making me mental!

kimad

I have to admit one of my huge pet peeves when it comes to texting is when I ask someone a question and they don't reply, even days after...I suppose they could have been busy and missed it, but I go back and look at my texts to see if I missed something when I'm not busy. Short responses are alright if you're busy and trying to keep a conversation going but don't try and fill an entire conversation with 2-4 letter words...

And as you said before, texting is an easy way to communicate but you really should treat it like a normal conversation like Christine said.

I will say I'm guilty of getting distracted at work and such when someone walks into my office and starts talking to me, because I don't want to end my text conversation when someone is talking to me in person.

I have missed texts, I have had people miss my texts too.. stuff happens, but usually it is followed by an apology or an 'oh crap I missed your text'.... It's hard when you are texting then work gets in the way (how dare it!!) but lets be honest, work comes first. I have left people hanging for a couple hours but most people realize we are at work on Monday at 10am, and I just say 'work got busy there'.. then respond'

ItsCasey

I will not have a conversation via text unless it is a situation where I know the other person really needs to communicate with me but can't actually speak on the phone. Texting, for me, is a way to communicate very brief, matter-of-fact things that require a very brief, matter-of-fact response (or no response at all). I will also text, rather than call, if it's someone who is, for example, out of town on business or visiting family and I don't know what their schedule is and when they'd be available to talk. In that case, if I need to tell or ask them something, I'll text, and they can get back to me whenever they have time. Otherwise, I don't send texts, and I don't respond to texts.

This probably goes back to me being very old-school, but I think trying to hold a conversation with someone via text is rude and indicates a certain lack of interest if you could, in fact, pick up the phone and call them. If I like a guy, I want to hear his voice. I don't want to mindlessly tap out text messages on the phone for hours on end. Give me 10 minutes of your undivided attention, and I'm good. I also have a problem with guys who are all flirty and cute in text messages but totally devoid of personality on the phone or in person, which is another reason I hate when guys try to do all or even most of their communicating via text. Unless you're seeing each other on a very regular basis, you can get wrapped up in the sweet texts and overlook the fact that this guy is very uneasy around you.

When it comes to dating, I think you have to set the tone early. If you're dealing with the kind of person who disappears mid-conversation, it's probably because they think texting is so informal that there really aren't any rules, so they probably don't think they've done anything wrong.. And if that's not okay with you, then ask for what you want (e.g. that they call when they want to talk, that they stop disappearing, etc.), and do it ASAP. Most guys don't really understand when women suddenly flip out about something they've seemingly been fine with for a long time.

christine24t

Unless you're seeing each other on a very regular basis, you can get wrapped up in the sweet texts and overlook the fact that this guy is very uneasy around you.

Good point. With texts you have time to cultivate a response, and therefore sound wittier and funnier than you truly may be. It doesn't show your real personality.

kimad

I also have a problem with guys who are all flirty and cute in text messages but totally devoid of personality on the phone or in person, which is another reason I hate when guys try to do all or even most of their communicating via text. Unless you're seeing each other on a very regular basis, you can get wrapped up in the sweet texts and overlook the fact that this guy is very uneasy around you.

This was date 5 guy to a TEE. He would text me all sweet and cute ALL DAY LONG, but was super shy and awkward in person -- I chalked it up to him being shy, but over time I realized there was alot more issues there that I overlooked.

When it comes to dating, I think you have to set the tone early. If you're dealing with the kind of person who disappears mid-conversation, it's probably because they think texting is so informal that there really aren't any rules, so they probably don't think they've done anything wrong.. And if that's not okay with you, then ask for what you want (e.g. that they call when they want to talk, that they stop disappearing, etc.), and do it ASAP. Most guys don't really understand when women suddenly flip out about something they've seemingly been fine with for a long time.

Soemtimes I think it can be hard to set a tone, without it coming off the wrong way... IE - I can't see me really saying 'hey, I don't like when you drop off mid texts' .. so it's trying to find an appropriate way/time to address it.. I can understand saying 'hey if you have time right now, why not call me?' but addressing his stance on texting, why he drops off mid convo, how do you approach that without sounding deperate/needy/weird... in his mind he may hear 'why aren't you checking in everynight?' HAHA I don't know!