Dealing with raising kids and extended family.

ohenry78

I'm curious to see if anyone else has had to do this and/or how they deal with it.

I'm an Atheist. My family doesn't know this, or at least I haven't "come out" to them...most of my family is fairly religious (though not the in-your-face sort, which I respect them for) and I think it would hurt them becase in their worldview this means I'm going to hellzorz.

My wife and her family are Catholic, but she has kind of fallen out of her religion, and while she doesn't necessarily define herself as an atheist as she still thinks there could be some kind of power, she doesn't buy into the Christian version of religion.

So...we both have very religious families that don't know about our beliefs and expect certian things out of us. For example, my stepson goes to CCD every week and will eventually have his first communion and such. Our baby daughter was baptized a couple months ago. We don't go to church (an advantage of everyone knowing we are extremely busy; nobody questions this) except on Easter/Christmas.

When our kids (well, just the one right now) ask us questions about religion, we both kind of ask them what their thoughts are and remain non-committal, trying to allow as much free thought as we can without completely turning things upside-down for them.

But at the same time we feel like it's kind of one big lie. If we had our way we wouldn't have our kids involved in church things at all, but our families would be SO. MAD.

Does anyone else have this situation? How do you deal with it?

soldier4242

I went to CCD and I had my first communion and the classes that the church has you attend all talk about god in a matter of fact kind of way. I realize that you might be trying to give your child freedom for personal thought but understand this. That is something you really only find from the atheist side of things. The Catholics in this case are not interested your stepson's free thinking.

In fact if he questions the religion at all they will do everything they can to quash any and all doubts he might have. They want every single one of there converts to shout proudly from the rooftops that they know their god does exist. It is only going to get worse from here. Once he gets in to confirmation classes they will have him writing papers about why he knows that god is doing things in his life. If you were to just pull him out abruptly you risk creating an aura of mystery but not giving your point of view could lead to him believing that the Catholic point if view is all there is.

I can't tell you what to actually do but what I can tell you is that in my life I have all sorts of religious people that give me advise about how to raise my step children. I keep the good and throw away the bad. If they tell me to take my kids to church I throw that away.

My oldest step son did reach an age where he wanted to attend church so at that point I let him go because he was about 16 at that point and I felt he was ready to evaluate their claims responsibly. He attended for about a week and then one day he said he did not want to go anymore because all the did was sit around and agree to bull**** all day. On the surface I said "If that is your choice I can respect that." in my head I had never been more proud.

perfekta

I think your only option is to let your family know where you stand.

I have an 8 year old daughter. My family, and my husband's family both know we are atheist. This has not stopped my dad from trying to give my daughter the Jehovah's Witness book, "My Book of Bible Stories", and my mother in law, NEVER gives up. She even asked the last time we were over her house if we had watched that show "The Bible".

With my daughter, I tell her what I believe, and I explain what other people believe, and I try to help her reason things out, and talk about it with her. I will NOT ever impose my beliefs on her, I saw what damage that did with me growing up. My dad said when I told him I was an atheist at 15 (First time admitting it to him, I lost my belief in God, when my best friend died of a brain tumor in first grade), "You either choose Jehovah & me, or you chose the world, and I will not speak to you." Pretty standard for the JW thinking. My daughter went to church with her friend because she BEGGED me. I let her go, after debating it for quite awhile. I talked to her about what they did there after.

I did not allow my daughter to be baptized even though my mother in law threw a fit. I realize this would be more difficult with a spouse that is not 100% on board with your beliefs.

My reason for letting her see what church is about at a young, is that I have a very close friend, who had atheist parents, and was exposed to Pentecostals as a teen, and totally changed. She is still one of my best friends, but she is one of the smartest people I know, and I think having too militant of an attitude in either direction, can make kids rebel.

With my daughter, the types of conversations we are having now, include: what the different gods/religions are, and what that religion believes, that humans have been around a lot longer than the bible, and what does she think the people believed before the bible, etc. We also talk about how the Epic of Gilgamesh predates the bible. The thing she is interested lately, is when I was explaining how the bible says you shouldn't kill people because you will be punished by God if you do, whereas Buddhism says you shouldn't, just because it isn't the right thing to do, and how you can find Nirvana, happiness, now just by being a good person.

Anyway, I know this is kind of rambling, but I know it's a tough one to deal with, and I hope you find the right solution for your family.

ScatteredThoughts

This is a tough situation. I was never close with any of my extended family, so it would not be an issue with me. However, it is a slightly different story on my wife's side. When she and some of her other relative were sent to the US to escape communist Vietnam, they were taken in members of the Catholic church, and some of them feel very strongly about religion. She has one aunt who barely speaks to her as it is, because of issues like politics and religion.

When my and I first discussed how to handle religion with our kids, I was mostly opposed to church, but would have gone along on a limited basis. I did state up front that I would not hide my disbelief in God, if ever asked about it. When it comes to religion and attitudes about race, I try to couch things in terms of "I believe this, but other people believe...".

For myself, I don't think I could put up with any type of formal religious indoctrination, unless it is something they chose on their own when they become older. The other relatives would just have to be mad for a while. I think they even if they get upset initially, there is a good chance that they will at least come to tolerate it.

kennethmgreen

Sorry, this is long. Slow day at work.

I think you have to balance living your truth with some possible uncomfortable situations. The message you send your kids by hiding who you are can be potentially damaging. I support your choice to teach your kids to be open-minded and come to their own conclusions, though you may have a tough decision when your daughter is older. Do you want her attending weekly CCD?

I identify as a "patient atheist" - by that I mean I don't try to go around changing others' beliefs, nor do I feel compelled to hound people about the hypocrisy of their own beliefs. I have done that in the past, and came to realize zealotry from anywhere on the religious spectrum is still zealotry. I'll still point out hypocrisy in a debate (religious or not). I just don't go hunting for it.

My wife isn't an atheist, though she isn't necessarily Christian. Maybe somewhere in the Buddhist/agnostic mix of ideologies. Our kids are 11 and 8. We have religious friends with kids, who regularly go to church. We've always explained religious concepts to them in the context of "some people believe..." Even with the hard questions like "who is God?" we have replied as neutral as possible and explained things like a story. We have refrained from ridicule or criticism of religion in front of them, with a few notable exceptions (ex: gay marriage). But even in criticism, we have simply explained things in terms of "this is what some people believe." We do teach the importance of respecting others' beliefs.

My kids were recently invited for a sleep-over at a friend's house. The family goes to church. They asked if I wanted to pick my kids up early Sunday morning, or go to church with them. I asked my kids if they wanted to go, they both said yes. I thought it would be a good experience for them. As they were getting ready, I overhead my older daughter tell my younger one that if she heard stuff that she didn't agree with, it wasn't OK to call it stupid. I thought that was pretty cool, but it also clued me in to the fact that my kids are certainly aware that I'm not a believer. They may not know me as "an atheist" but as neutral as I think I'm presenting things, my own belief system comes through.

I don't think all churches crush free thinking. Certainly less so than in the past. Many churches - especially ones in metropolitan areas are making an effort to be more reasonable and appealing as they fight against dwindling membership. I don't think exposing my kids to religious ideology is harmful, and have told them they can go to church when they want to. I have offered to take them before. They are aware enough to question things they don't agree with (if not directly, then by talking to me or my wife about it). Above all, whatever their beliefs are now and mature into being, I teach them to respect their own convictions as well as other people's beliefs.

I'm saying all this because I know I have it pretty easy. My parents aren't very religious, though might be surprised to hear me call myself an atheist. My dad's side of the family is pretty religious, and would definitely be surprised. There hasn't been an expectation (at least not vocalized to us) about involving our kids with the church. Maybe extended family have assumed - I don't know. I don't necessarily hide my disbelief, but I don't announce it either. I don't have a problem with anyone's religion until it is used to support an argument or stance I don't believe in. And even then, I'll usually let it go unless there is a direct effect on someone I care about. Truth is, there is a lot of good in religious doctrine. I firmly believe that anything that causes a human being to act with kindness, patience, and love toward another human being is genuinely good. For many people, that is the basis of religion for them. For others, that is an innate quality of being alive.

OP stated: "If we had our way we wouldn't have our kids involved in church things at all, but our families would be SO. MAD."

I suggest you decide soon how hard of a line you want to draw on this issue. Which side of that is more important? Do you really want your kids not involved in church at all? If so, start talking like that. (hint: "if we had our way..." isn't how you proclaim a firmly held belief.) Do you have a problem allowing extended family to take your kid(s) to church? If that seems OK, how often is OK? Be sure to talk through a scenario where you might want to stop the kid(s) going to to church. And most important of all: make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Even if you do not agree with each other 100%, make sure that you both are willing to back each other 100% in whatever decisions you make around this issue. Know that stuff first. Be clear about it. Don't assume anything. You both need to trust that your decisions are fully supported.

As much as you might feel anxious about family confrontations, you don't want to cultivate a reactionary scenario where your extended family is attempting to "save" your child. Granted, I don't know you or your family, and you may be facing something like that no matter what. But assuming everyone involved is fairly reasonable (a big stretch for some families, I know.. ) Talking about it sooner rather than later seems like the best approach. At the very least, you might get an idea of the level of resistance you are going to face.

You may have to have a tough discussion with your extended family. If you decide you want no church involvement at all, they aren't going to like it. But better to cross that road now. Let them be mad. Be honest but firm.

If you do think you might allow some church in your kids lives, it may be a nice compromise. You could very well end up with a situation where your extended family takes your kid(s) to church twice a month and you and your wife get to enjoy a break. You might also enjoy the conversations with your kids as they learn about new ideas. The fear of "brainwashing" in a scenario like this doesn't seem realistic. No one gets brainwashed in a few weekly visits. Talk to your kids. Exposing them to ideas that are radically different than yours is good, and can further discussion. They'll be teenagers soon enough, and everything you say is stupid.

ohenry78

This forum is awesome. Thank you all for your advice! It seems that a common thread to make things work is that I need to make my own views known to my family so that they understand (even if they do not accept) how we raise our children.

That's something I've been wanting to do for years. I think that my immediate family will mostly take it OK, but there are a couple of very close extended family members that might take it hard.

What I'm even more worried about though is my in-laws. They mostly support me in my marriage with their daughter, but there's always been a simmering bit of....discontent, in the background, because I'm not much of a "manly man" (that is, I don't farm, I don't know a ton about cars, and I enjoy geeky things like fantasy fiction and video games). It will be interesting what they do if/when they find out.

Thank you all again If I find the courage to take this first step I'll update everyone!