Struggling..
jaimrlx
Posts: 426 Member
Hi fellow B.E.D. sufferers and supporters! I am struggling today. I hope venting will make me feel a little better.
Facts about today:
1) I am 5 consecutive days binge free, 6 if I don't go overboard tonight.
2) I woke up exhausted, dehydrated and feeling poorly, but had a positive attitude, despite thinking of food.
3) I logged and planned out my day as usual, and am not planning a binge or anything close to it.
4) I will be at the bar after work, but have planned the calories.
5) My job is incessantly irritable today.
6) I've been obsessing over food since the minute I woke up.
7) There is free cake and I've every thought and feel to walk over there and eat the rest of it. Also, I don't like cake.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I haven't had a bad day, nothing serious has happened, no new stresses. I don't like my job, I've been looking for a new one for a year. It is stressful, inconvenient, and infuriating all at the same time. I work from 3:30p - midnight M-F, and have been doing this for 3 years. It wears on my soul and is generally a trigger for terrible behaviors such as binging and self loathing.
But that's not totally the problem today. My biggest reason for binging is obsession. I tend to obsess over food from the minute I wake up, until the minute I fall asleep; and even then, sometimes it keeps me up at night or I dream about food. When will I eat again? What will I have today? How many calories is it?
Sometimes I think that logging and pre planning on MFP is another form of obsession that isn't necessarily causing me to binge, but making me miserable when I can't. I don't really hit physical weight plateaus, but mental plateaus. I should feel happy about this, but I'm not. I don't like eating healthy, I don't like limiting myself; but it's time to grow up! Sometimes, I just feel like I can't, because for some reason, I love food more than I love myself.
Anyone going through similar struggles today? Maybe I shouldn't pre-plan my day, I'm just obsessed with it. I have to know exactly what I can eat and when, which I thought is usually a form of control for bingers. For me, it seems like I'm just being obsessed with food in a different way, which makes me want it more. Cravings are one thing, compulsion is another.
I want food. I want a nice warm plate of awesome, and I was full two minutes before thinking about it. I have manifested my own hunger right now. This is normal for me. Eat, plan next fix, eat, plan next fix, eat. Over and over.
I'm just sick and tired of being overweight, binging, and trying my best. Today, I have a case of the 'What's the point?'s.
Facts about today:
1) I am 5 consecutive days binge free, 6 if I don't go overboard tonight.
2) I woke up exhausted, dehydrated and feeling poorly, but had a positive attitude, despite thinking of food.
3) I logged and planned out my day as usual, and am not planning a binge or anything close to it.
4) I will be at the bar after work, but have planned the calories.
5) My job is incessantly irritable today.
6) I've been obsessing over food since the minute I woke up.
7) There is free cake and I've every thought and feel to walk over there and eat the rest of it. Also, I don't like cake.
I think that pretty much sums it up. I haven't had a bad day, nothing serious has happened, no new stresses. I don't like my job, I've been looking for a new one for a year. It is stressful, inconvenient, and infuriating all at the same time. I work from 3:30p - midnight M-F, and have been doing this for 3 years. It wears on my soul and is generally a trigger for terrible behaviors such as binging and self loathing.
But that's not totally the problem today. My biggest reason for binging is obsession. I tend to obsess over food from the minute I wake up, until the minute I fall asleep; and even then, sometimes it keeps me up at night or I dream about food. When will I eat again? What will I have today? How many calories is it?
Sometimes I think that logging and pre planning on MFP is another form of obsession that isn't necessarily causing me to binge, but making me miserable when I can't. I don't really hit physical weight plateaus, but mental plateaus. I should feel happy about this, but I'm not. I don't like eating healthy, I don't like limiting myself; but it's time to grow up! Sometimes, I just feel like I can't, because for some reason, I love food more than I love myself.
Anyone going through similar struggles today? Maybe I shouldn't pre-plan my day, I'm just obsessed with it. I have to know exactly what I can eat and when, which I thought is usually a form of control for bingers. For me, it seems like I'm just being obsessed with food in a different way, which makes me want it more. Cravings are one thing, compulsion is another.
I want food. I want a nice warm plate of awesome, and I was full two minutes before thinking about it. I have manifested my own hunger right now. This is normal for me. Eat, plan next fix, eat, plan next fix, eat. Over and over.
I'm just sick and tired of being overweight, binging, and trying my best. Today, I have a case of the 'What's the point?'s.
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Replies
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Sorry no one caught this yesterday... I hope today is better.
I am very different from you in the way you obsess over food when you aren't eating, but I can totally relate to the feeling of being so very tired of fighting this and wanting to just not care anymore. Today I am just one blink away from going hog wild with food. So , I am here reading every post I can find. I hope the venting helped you - writing about how I am feeling almost always helps me get back some perspective.
When I am thinking the way you describe - eat, plan, eat, plan - that is only in the middle of a binge cycle. I don't have it all the time. It must be totally exhausting for you. Actually my pattern would be eat, wait until it doesn't hurt to eat more, eat, wait until it doesn't hurt, eat...etc. I never plan. I just go find something. Which is what I want to do right now
:ohwell: Planning would involve engaging my rational mind, which is pretty much shut off when I am in the "food fog".
What I have been reading is that when we binge we narrow our focus so we don't have to deal with all the ramifications of our lives. If I narrow my focus so that I can't think complex thoughts, then it's easier for me to override my conscience. So I can binge! I think coming on here and writing keeps us from getting too narrow. I can still feel sort of numb for whatever reason I need to do that today, but the reality of what binge eating will do to me is right there in black and white. I look at your face and I know you are struggling - not giving up - and I have to admit that I am not alone and others are managing this, so I have to just stay with this feeling and not eat over it.0 -
If ur diary yesterday is updated, then it looks like u made it thru without binging
Being over 400 cals isnt a binge in my oppinion. I too obsess like u do. I recently have been asking God for help with my food addiction as that is the only way I was able to quit smoking recently. U can do this. And congrats on staying binge free lately. If u did binge yesterday, pick urself up and let it go. Dont beat urself up as it hurts not helps. Stay strong sista!! 0 -
I don't preplan and prelog. I might have some internal debate during the day on what I might fancy for dinner, but that is it now as since I began intermittent fasting, dinner is all I really have to worry about. Before, I would be fussing over what snacks to have, and debating the calories in the cakes and cookies at the coffee place I go to after the gym. Now, I know I will not eat until evening, and so can control it. I focus instead on looking forward to a decent sized dinner where I do not have to worry about the calories because I can afford up to a 1500 calorie meal if I wished. (Though I generally have an 800 calorie meal and another 800 one 3-4 hours later. I also noticed I obsess more about food when getting too heavily into logging and trying to fit precise numbers, and I found this hard when I ate in the daytime as well.0
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Absolutely what Sandytoes said:drinker:
You didn't binge!! Progress not perfection.
Rather than punish yourself, be a good friend and praise yourself for your success and really feel good!! It's a lot easier to get back to healthy eating when we feel good about ourselves The overeating was punishment enough!! 0 -
There's a great Kindle Book (I think you can get it in paperback form as well) called Binge Free by Robert Dave Johnston that is excellent....it talks about the obsession factor.
Donna L.0
