How do I stop over-analyzing it!!
Replies
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Normally it's best to be direct, but the "desperately" part can be a turn off. So I would make your interest known by flirting (thus stepping out of the friends zone) and distract yourself from the "what does he think of me" doubts by focussing on the moment, what he is saying (rather than what he is not) etc. Try and go with the mindset that this guy would be lucky to get you and if he isn't interested then that's his loss because you are awesome
You could just ask him (with a big smile) - is this a date? Anything other than a yes is the wrong answer.
I have to say if you already know each other as friends and making an assumption ended things last time then it's not a great sign. Sounds to me like he know your feelings were strong and he backed off. This could be because his feelings were not as strong or it could be that he does care for you too but likes to be in less intense relationships because he has committment issues. My money is on the latter. I hope I'm wrong and that he is at a point in his life where he is ready to go for what he wants and it's you :flowerforyou: If all goes well then by all means let him chase you, but I wouldn't get involved if he cannot handle you reciprocating as this problem will not go away.
Finally I'm fairly sure I answered some of your posts before (please forgive me if I'm wrong) and I wondered if perhaps you find the idea of total committement a bit scary too. If when you were first starting out, a guy felt towards you the way you do towards this guy, how would you react? Would it depend on whether you liked him or would you be spooked? If the latter then I wonder if part of why you are hooked into this guy so much is because he is ambivalent and although you would like him to not be, you may need that lack of ability to commit in order to do so yourself because it feels safer. I may be barking up the wrong tree here but just raise it as a possibility as it is so common for people to get stuck in these relationship patterns due to their stuff, without realising what's hapening time and time again in successive relationships.0 -
I'm not really sure what you're talking about here, but guys eventually stop chasing girls that shut them down. You're going to need to be direct with him, don't just wait around for him to chase you again. He already did it for two years?. Just ask him if he wants to try dating or whatever. It's a pretty simple question.when it was right, I over-analyzed it, made an assumption, and it shut things down.0 -
I'm not really sure what you're talking about here, but guys eventually stop chasing girls that shut them down. You're going to need to be direct with him, don't just wait around for him to chase you again. He already did it for two years?. Just ask him if he wants to try dating or whatever. It's a pretty simple question.when it was right, I over-analyzed it, made an assumption, and it shut things down.
Okay. Thanks. You've been really helpful.0 -
Normally it's best to be direct, but the "desperately" part can be a turn off. So I would make your interest known by flirting (thus stepping out of the friends zone) and distract yourself from the "what does he think of me" doubts by focussing on the moment, what he is saying (rather than what he is not) etc. Try and go with the mindset that this guy would be lucky to get you and if he isn't interested then that's his loss because you are awesome You could just ask him (with a big smile) - is this a date? Anything other than a yes is the wrong answer.
I have to say if you already know each other as friends and making an assumption ended things last time then it's not a great sign. Sounds to me like he know your feelings were strong and he backed off. This could be because his feelings were not as strong or it could be that he does care for you too but likes to be in less intense relationships because he has committment issues. My money is on the latter. I hope I'm wrong and that he is at a point in his life where he is ready to go for what he wants and it's you :flowerforyou: If all goes well then by all means let him chase you, but I wouldn't get involved if he cannot handle you reciprocating as this problem will not go away.
Finally I'm fairly sure I answered some of your posts before (please forgive me if I'm wrong) and I wondered if perhaps you find the idea of total committement a bit scary too. If when you were first starting out, a guy felt towards you the way you do towards this guy, how would you react? Would it depend on whether you liked him or would you be spooked? If the latter then I wonder if part of why you are hooked into this guy so much is because he is ambivalent and although you would like him to not be, you may need that lack of ability to commit in order to do so yourself because it feels safer. I may be barking up the wrong tree here but just raise it as a possibility as it is so common for people to get stuck in these relationship patterns due to their stuff, without realising what's hapening time and time again in successive relationships.
Okay... let me just give you the whole story. I was in a serious, long-term relationship when I first met him. He was recently divorced. The interest was there. I had resolved that it wouldn't work because he wanted more children and I couldn't have anymore. And I continued in the relationship that I was in, and he went back to his ex-wife. She ended up getting pregnant and before the twins were born, she dumped him. Of course, after having twins, he was through with the desire to have more children, LOL. It was around this time that I really began to realize that I had strong feelings for him, but I was still in a relationship. Eventually, he gave up on me and moved on, but we started getting closer as friends. At this point, I fell hard for him.
Eventually, I realized that I was completely unhappy, and broke up with my boyfriend. He continued in his relationship and being single, I realized that I couldn't deal with it so I just left him alone. Then, he and I were both single. I approached him with the idea of an FWB type relationship. Looking back, I sent it by email, which probably wasn't the best idea. After a few days, I didn't hear from him, and I assumed that he didn't care and emailed him again basically saying as much. His response was short. He had been out of town, he didn't have to explain himself to me, and that I was wrong. He didn't really say what I was wrong about.
We've had a little communication over FB for the last year. All of it friendly, but no in depth conversation. Then, the other day, I decided that I really missed him, and messaged and asked if we could reconnect. He got back to me immediately, and we made plans for dinner next week. I don't know if he is single now or not. I think that his response indicates at least something positive about the possibility.
There... I put the whole thing out there. I'm kind of ashamed of the way I treated him before. I realize now that I wasn't really ready for an FWB relationship with him at the time. I truly want him to be more than that, but I'm not opposed to the idea either. As far as commitment issues go, yes... he has some... or at least had some. I have been burned in a few relationships so I do have trust issues, but I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm just at a point in life where I don't need a commitment to be satisfied. Still, my feelings for him have always been strong, and I do have a tendency to rush into relationships.
I know I have a pattern. I'm trying to change.0 -
err, sounds like he's not into it, honestly. There's no mixed signals there to be over analyzed. I might be completely wrong but he might just be hoping to have his cool friend back, he might even *kitten* you but... It sounds like you're trying to wring water from a rock.0
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I think he cares (that was what he was saying you were wrong about).
None of us know, you'll have to talk to him about it. My advice: forget about labelling it and defining what it is or could be. Forget about negotiations and what he/you may want or not want.
Try and see this as an opportunity to break your pattern and trust your feelings, wherever they may lead you. What will be will be, just be true to yourself/your relationship with him and avoid getting distracted by getting carried away by your fears. Tell him you're ashamed of what you wrote, you weren't ready for him, you miss him, you'd like to have him back in your life. Then relax and enjoy his company 0 -
So, you have a complicated history. I think the only way I could go into this dinner/reconnection without being completely insane and over-analyzing everything would be to put a lid on it."We have a history. The end." . I'd try not to filter every word or gesture through the history- just be in the moment. If things go well and you move forward-then prioritize anything from the past and be strategic about when to sort through it together.0
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So, you have a complicated history. I think the only way I could go into this dinner/reconnection without being completely insane and over-analyzing everything would be to put a lid on it."We have a history. The end." . I'd try not to filter every word or gesture through the history- just be in the moment. If things go well and you move forward-then prioritize anything from the past and be strategic about when to sort through it together.
agreed. u guys have a complicated history. i think u need to relax and go into it as if you are catching up with a friend. u don't know where he is in life or what he's looking for. so maybe before u put yourself out there, you talk, LISTEN, and see where he is and if it would even work. he might have moved on by now so don't get your hopes up. just kind of feel it out and enjoy the moment.0 -
So, you have a complicated history. I think the only way I could go into this dinner/reconnection without being completely insane and over-analyzing everything would be to put a lid on it."We have a history. The end." . I'd try not to filter every word or gesture through the history- just be in the moment. If things go well and you move forward-then prioritize anything from the past and be strategic about when to sort through it together.
agreed. u guys have a complicated history. i think u need to relax and go into it as if you are catching up with a friend. u don't know where he is in life or what he's looking for. so maybe before u put yourself out there, you talk, LISTEN, and see where he is and if it would even work. he might have moved on by now so don't get your hopes up. just kind of feel it out and enjoy the moment.
I agree with this (as well as the other posters) but I also think you should go in, listen, and see where is he in his life. Hey you never know, you may just not want him anymore after some time getting to know him/reconnect with him again. People change for the good and the bad, and considering if you were in a relationship when you met him you may have been 'attached' to things becuase you lacked something from your then current BF and just wanted to feel 'special' or 'better' again, but otherwise he may have been completely wrong for you. If you haven't seen him in awhile, I would not think of this as a date and I would not try to clarify if it is one. Go out, see him, and then decide WHAT you want from him now, don't worry about what he thinks at this point.
Good luck!0 -
I'm an overanalyzer for sure.
Here is what's helped me.
I realized that what I was doing wasn't beneficial to me. I was ****ing things up with the guys when that's not what I wanted to do. It was self sabotaging of some sort. I just realize it didn't help me at all. So though my mind will fall into it, I work very hard against it. I truly rather "go with the flow". I think this menality has helped me with my current bf.
Also, I don't claim to know it all and I do understand that not all men are exactly the same but if you could try to grasp and try to understand men, it would help. Men are NOT that complicated. I'll give you an example. BF and I argued one time. I was soooo worried and overanalyzed everything for a week. I was scared he was going to dump me, I was mad, I was sad, etc. I went over to his place and see him playing video games like nothing. It clicked in my head that while I'm over there overanalyzing, crazy, etc, he's just like nothing. Yeah he was pissed but that was all. He wasn't there thinking and thinking about the arguement like I was. Blah!
Anyway, I don't think it'll go away but I think you can reduce it to where it isn't running your life.0 -
I'm an overanalyzer for sure.
Here is what's helped me.
I realized that what I was doing wasn't beneficial to me. I was ****ing things up with the guys when that's not what I wanted to do. It was self sabotaging of some sort. I just realize it didn't help me at all. So though my mind will fall into it, I work very hard against it. I truly rather "go with the flow". I think this menality has helped me with my current bf.
Also, I don't claim to know it all and I do understand that not all men are exactly the same but if you could try to grasp and try to understand men, it would help. Men are NOT that complicated. I'll give you an example. BF and I argued one time. I was soooo worried and overanalyzed everything for a week. I was scared he was going to dump me, I was mad, I was sad, etc. I went over to his place and see him playing video games like nothing. It clicked in my head that while I'm over there overanalyzing, crazy, etc, he's just like nothing. Yeah he was pissed but that was all. He wasn't there thinking and thinking about the arguement like I was. Blah!
Anyway, I don't think it'll go away but I think you can reduce it to where it isn't running your life.
^this. its funny how much you can mess with your own head while the guy spends about 0.5 seconds analyzing anything. you tend to work yourself up over nothing. I also am working on this
good advice tube socks.
p.s. did u make it down to nola after all?0 -
One simple truth.
Guys don't tell you things you need to read into or figure out.
We do that.
They don't.
If they tell you what they want - just reread it or ask them to repeat themselves and it's all the analyzing you need.
Unless - it was an emotionally charged conversation.
Then you need to consider what you know about him and what he's taught you about himself through his behavior and if that still doesn't help - just ask him. They much prefer when you ask them cause you're unsure, than if you obsess over him and guess wrong because you thought about it too long and your own past experiences and hangups started to color the situation.0 -
I'm an overanalyzer for sure.
Here is what's helped me.
I realized that what I was doing wasn't beneficial to me. I was ****ing things up with the guys when that's not what I wanted to do. It was self sabotaging of some sort. I just realize it didn't help me at all. So though my mind will fall into it, I work very hard against it. I truly rather "go with the flow". I think this menality has helped me with my current bf.
Also, I don't claim to know it all and I do understand that not all men are exactly the same but if you could try to grasp and try to understand men, it would help. Men are NOT that complicated. I'll give you an example. BF and I argued one time. I was soooo worried and overanalyzed everything for a week. I was scared he was going to dump me, I was mad, I was sad, etc. I went over to his place and see him playing video games like nothing. It clicked in my head that while I'm over there overanalyzing, crazy, etc, he's just like nothing. Yeah he was pissed but that was all. He wasn't there thinking and thinking about the arguement like I was. Blah!
Anyway, I don't think it'll go away but I think you can reduce it to where it isn't running your life.
^this. its funny how much you can mess with your own head while the guy spends about 0.5 seconds analyzing anything. you tend to work yourself up over nothing. I also am working on this
good advice tube socks.
p.s. did u make it down to nola after all?
Yup and had an awesome time!! I can't wait to go back... We rented a house, gambled, drank and ate waaaaaay too much. Bf and I totally passed our 1st trip together too. Haha0 -
Well today is the day.0
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This is my downfall. I'm not quite sure how I ever actually managed to get in a relationship (divorced and a couple of long terms) before because I study every little thing the guy does trying to get in his head and figure out what is going on in there.
I know it annoys the guy.
Hell, it annoys me.
But I just can't seem to stop myself. Thoughts? Suggestions?
just remember this...
when it comes to relationships and motivations, men are playing a game of checkers.
when it comes to relationships and motivations, women are playing a game of chess.
same playing board and similar pieces, but vastly different rules.
this is almost always true. there are some exceptions of course, but for the most part this simple analogy holds. we (i.e., men) rarely are thinking 3-4 moves in advance, or contemplating all of our possible options and determining their probable outcomes before acting. to figure us out, the simplest answer is usually the correct one.
so if you (i.e., women) try to figure us out by applying the rules of chess to a checkers game, you are going to get frustrated. the same applies in reverse for men trying to figure out women.0 -
The best thing that ever happened to me when I became single again is I stopped caring about my future WITH someone. I don't care if it's a one-nighter. I don't care if it will only last 3 months. I don't care if it lasts my lifetime. I just try to enjoy the time I spend with someone, whatever that encompasses, for however long that is. I also enjoy the time when I'm not seeing anyone. My overly-analytic thoughts are mostly reserved for global problems which I can likely do nothing about, but I stress figuring out ways I can try.
I hope you find a place inside yourself where you can relax and take this easier. I don't know how to tell you to get there, but you will. I guess my above sharing is sort of advice to find other things to wrap your mind about.0 -
The best thing that ever happened to me when I became single again is I stopped caring about my future WITH someone. I don't care if it's a one-nighter. I don't care if it will only last 3 months. I don't care if it lasts my lifetime. I just try to enjoy the time I spend with someone, whatever that encompasses, for however long that is. I also enjoy the time when I'm not seeing anyone. My overly-analytic thoughts are mostly reserved for global problems which I can likely do nothing about, but I stress figuring out ways I can try.
I hope you find a place inside yourself where you can relax and take this easier. I don't know how to tell you to get there, but you will. I guess my above sharing is sort of advice to find other things to wrap your mind about.
That is pretty much the place that I am in. It's just that old feelings for this guy re-surface easily. I'll be okay. Things will be what they be and if they aren't what I want them to be, then I'll just look elsewhere.0 -
The best thing that ever happened to me when I became single again is I stopped caring about my future WITH someone. I don't care if it's a one-nighter. I don't care if it will only last 3 months. I don't care if it lasts my lifetime. I just try to enjoy the time I spend with someone, whatever that encompasses, for however long that is. I also enjoy the time when I'm not seeing anyone. My overly-analytic thoughts are mostly reserved for global problems which I can likely do nothing about, but I stress figuring out ways I can try.
I hope you find a place inside yourself where you can relax and take this easier. I don't know how to tell you to get there, but you will. I guess my above sharing is sort of advice to find other things to wrap your mind about.
Agree 100% with this.
Focus on the now and don't be worried about what this person may or may not be in the future. Way too much pressure especially this early. Relax, enjoy, and have fun.0 -
Well it looks like it's going to be a booty-call. I'm okay with that. Needed a new FWB anyway. At least, there will finally be some fulfillment for all these years of sexual tension.
Thanks for the help all. I finally know what he really wants. No more analyzing required.0 -
oops sorry! I responded to the original post and didnt get the follow up story!
YAY SEX!!!!!!!!!!0 -
YAY SEX!!!!!!!!!!
:bigsmile:0 -
Congrats.
I find that people are really black and white. If a guy likes you, he'll call you. If a woman likes you, she'll call you.0 -
I find that people are really black and white. If a guy likes you, he'll call you. If a woman likes you, she'll call you.
I'll politely disagree. If it's someone I know, or know of, I'll spend a lot of time trying to figure out if the attraction is mutual. I don't want to make things awkward if it's not. If I'm pretty certain he's interested I'll send an email or text. Once we get talking outside of our common activity (baseball, church, etc), I'll make it pretty easy for him to ask me out.... "Have you tried such and such restaurant; I've been dying to see this movie; etc." If I'm getting a good vibe and he's still not picking up the hints, I'll ask him out.
ETA - It takes me weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to ask him out. So, that's why I said I disagree with it.0 -
I find that people are really black and white. If a guy likes you, he'll call you. If a woman likes you, she'll call you.
I'll politely disagree. If it's someone I know, or know of, I'll spend a lot of time trying to figure out if the attraction is mutual. I don't want to make things awkward if it's not. If I'm pretty certain he's interested I'll send an email or text. Once we get talking outside of our common activity (baseball, church, etc), I'll make it pretty easy for him to ask me out.... "Have you tried such and such restaurant; I've been dying to see this movie; etc." If I'm getting a good vibe and he's still not picking up the hints, I'll ask him out.
ETA - It takes me weeks to months to feel comfortable enough to ask him out. So, that's why I said I disagree with it.
I was referring to after making the dating connection. 0 -
I'll make it pretty easy for him to ask me out.... "Have you tried such and such restaurant; I've been dying to see this movie; etc." If I'm getting a good vibe and he's still not picking up the hints, I'll ask him out.
that's pretty obvious . .if all guys were that lucky!0 -
I was referring to after making the dating connection.
Gotcha.... sick over here and in need of coffee. My reading comprehension skills are lacking to say the least. 0 -
Congrats.
I find that people are really black and white. If a guy likes you, he'll call you. If a woman likes you, she'll call you.
For me, I don't make contact after the first date has happened. I let him initiate. I am not sure if this has made me miss out on some guys I had interest in, but it just works best for me.0 -
The best thing that ever happened to me when I became single again is I stopped caring about my future WITH someone. I don't care if it's a one-nighter. I don't care if it will only last 3 months. I don't care if it lasts my lifetime. I just try to enjoy the time I spend with someone, whatever that encompasses, for however long that is. I also enjoy the time when I'm not seeing anyone. My overly-analytic thoughts are mostly reserved for global problems which I can likely do nothing about, but I stress figuring out ways I can try.
I hope you find a place inside yourself where you can relax and take this easier. I don't know how to tell you to get there, but you will. I guess my above sharing is sort of advice to find other things to wrap your mind about.
I am also trying to do this myself!!! And when I start to think too much I take a moment to realize if my gut is screaming at me (ie red flag) or I need to calm the *kitten* down... lately it's been my gut.. but great advice 0 -
Okay... UPDATE.
I have moved from friend-zone status to FWB status. Once it was discussed, I already knew the answer. He is not emotionally available because of the torch he still carries for his ex-wife. He actually brought up the possibility of talking to a therapist and trying to work through his feelings so... who knows.
It is what it is and I can take it or leave it. But don't worry folks, I am seeing someone else so it's not like I've dropped all my eggs in this one basket. I'm a little sad about it. But I will be okay. First and foremost, he is my friend, and he is hurting, and I want to see him get better.0
