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MyFitnessPal Community

Internet dating is killing my self esteem

Yanicka1

I am not amazingly beautifull.
Men that do not have kids are not interested in me since I DO have kids (how dare I had a life before !!!)
Men that DO have kids would rather have a women that do not have kids (double standard.....absolutly)
I have not travelled the world since my kids needs come way before my wants

I am intelligent, fun, easy to live with, I do not play games. I am loving and caring without being dependent..... but all those things are worthless since they never go past the first part.

Damn

Replies

JanieJack

And I was snuggled up watching a movie with my head on his should and his arm around me when He pulls out Mr. Happy and says look what you did to me? Really?
...
I can't believe he just whipped it out after he just met me 4 hours before. I had already thought it strange he kissed me before dinner.

Wow, that's horrible....

Now, I gotta ask... where were you two snuggled up watching a movie? Was this at the theater? Or at one of your places? I don't excuse his behavior by any means... just thought that inviting a date to your place (or you going to his) within hours of meeting is the typical signal that you're gonna hook-up that night.

Meatsies

Oh, criminy, so glad I stumbled across this today. I've been struggling, too...on POF and match.com, and am finding that the primary issues are:

1.) They have a beautifully written profile, full of wit and spark and intrigue...so I send a witty opening correspondence, just to get back, "Hey baby wut u up 2?" Really? REALLY? Could you please redirect my email to whoever wrote your profile?!

2.) They insist that they think I'm beautiful, but then it's like a surprise when they discover I'm chubby. Hmm. Which part of "full-figured" gave you the impression I was a size 2? I'm afraid I'm one of those chicks who looks nothing like her profile picture.

3.) And that's another one...POF...doesn't give you the option to see what your prospective matches are looking for in terms of body size. Let's face it. I'm chubby. I'm a size 16, 5'3". Am I passionate and rollicky and FUN? Absolutely. But not many people are open-minded enough to want someone who's overweight when there's a slew (probably) of thin, attractive chicks out there. So why not tell me right off the bat (like match.com does) whether someone is looking for someone who is 'slender' or 'big and beautiful'? And having to pick which body type I was was a struggle, too...I put BBW first, because I wanted to own up to my size and give the impression that I was proud of it, but then friends suggested that that actually means something bigger than maybe my actual size. Another friend suggested going with 'a few extra pounds', but in my mind that equates to more like 3-4 pounds, NOT 30-40 pounds. Tricky, tricky.

At this point, I'm feeling a bit battered, kind of fugly, and totally unlikely to find a match anywhere in the cyber world. I like what one of you posted previously, about putting out feelers for a long-distance MFP relationship. I know that MFP isn't match.com, okay? But still, we have SOMETHING in common, at least, and people seem more open/honest about themselves on MFP than they do on match.com.

Dayna154

its hard it sucks, but its one avenue that many people use to meet others...
It can be fun but you have to date a lot of if to find a yes..
Im still looking... ugh

kerrymh

It was ego destroying when I was pretty down on my self and my wt.
Now its just baffling and funny.
I've grown a thick skin as suggested and I do try to not take things personally.
I don't get a million messages..but I know I get enough email not to feel like the looser I used to...problem is not really a whole lot of quality.
Example was my drink meeting today after work...texted for a bit some flirting. Met him..turns out he's separated but living with her still because the lawyers are advising both not to move, shared custody..has another kid from previous marriage..and the kicker..can you guess it???
UNEMPLOYED! yup and fighting with work man's comp.

Now I know I'm no bikini model/millionaire/porn star..or what ever most men dream of as a catch. But I am employed, independent, half way hot. and sweet and childless looking for an actual drama light loving relationship....wow...why would you even meet with me if you have all that **** happening?

So I came home cooked supper and I'm going to relax and laugh about things some day I really will.
I just seem to lack the type of social life that has me running into single decent men..My best friend is really wanting me to meet guys her husband picks for me but I kind of really dislike her husband..and don't see his friends being appealing at all. So pof I'll stick it out this time around for now.

flimflamfloz

I put BBW first, because I wanted to own up to my size and give the impression that I was proud of it, but then friends suggested that that actually means something bigger than maybe my actual size. Another friend suggested going with 'a few extra pounds', but in my mind that equates to more like 3-4 pounds, NOT 30-40 pounds.

I hate the BBW expression. So cheesy... I don't see why only the size "Big" gets a qualifier.
So I will only accept it the day "Thin" becomes "Thin & Ugly" (TU) or "Average" becomes "Averagely Heavy of Average Attractiveness".
Yeah OK, I know in reality why it gets a qualifier: to imply confidence and happiness (and choice) about their size, but I would guess that, if asked, probably 90% of the "BBW" women would trade their body for a thinner one on the spot.

Anyway, to answer your questions, you should have a full body shot which tells more than a thousand words. Also, I wouldn't put a few extra pounds for 40 pounds, but I guess it's all about how you perceive yourself (I personally didn't put my body type at all).
People tend to lie about their body type anyway as this way they don't get filtered.

And I was snuggled up watching a movie with my head on his should and his arm around me when He pulls out Mr. Happy and says look what you did to me? Really?
...
I can't believe he just whipped it out after he just met me 4 hours before. I had already thought it strange he kissed me before dinner.

Wow, that's horrible....

Now, I gotta ask... where were you two snuggled up watching a movie? Was this at the theater? Or at one of your places? I don't excuse his behavior by any means... just thought that inviting a date to your place (or you going to his) within hours of meeting is the typical signal that you're gonna hook-up that night.

JJ is right about the signals.
And yeah - that's horrible. I must say I'm shocked. The guy must have been watching too much porn... God forbid he works in recruitment one day!

MissingMinnesota

Think of internet dating like this. If you head to a new bar with a lot of regulars they are going to see you as fresh meat and hit on you. This will stop after about two weeks and you will start to get hit on only once in awhile. That is the same way that internet dating works. Unless you are top 10% of beautiful people and usually in your 20s as a woman you will have fewer choices. Yes you will have even less to choose from when you are over weight because both men and women are visual and no mater what you say in your profile about you being active people are going to see the picture of an over weight person and assume they are lazy. Most people won't even read the profile if they aren't attracted to your pictures.

yoovie

You make yourself sound boring.

You say all the things you havent/cant do and then list general basic facts about yourself instead of saying BUTTTTTTT i can do all theeeeeeeeeeeeese things and Im awesome because theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese things and I would blow your fcking WORLD bro.

As soon as you are defined first and foremost as mother and not much else - the individual version of yourself understands she has been locked up in a box as a memory. Im a mom now.

That doesnt seem healthy.

How about - why are your kids lucky enough to have the coolest most raddest lady ever as their mom - seriously - how did that happen? and not to mention all the non-mom stuff you do that you didnt mention.

Being a great mom who puts her kids first is awesome. And noble. And generic.

Where is your personal sense of fire?

Crys32

The double curse of being an adult single that lives out in the sticks.
Not only is meeting by chance in real life difficult but the dating sites are pretty sparse too.

Agreed completely.

ShazMc73

It really is tough, I am so new onto the online dating thing and see that dozens of guys look at my profile a day and out of those dozens I tend to get 3-4 messages. Not complaining, I know that is not terrible but it does make me wonder what those other dudes are thinking when they look at my profile lol!

My self esteem is pretty shaky BUT actually reading all of your posts in the single peeps forum has helped me understand the online dating scenario AND toughen up a wee bit so thanks!!!

pa_jorg

And I was snuggled up watching a movie with my head on his should and his arm around me when He pulls out Mr. Happy and says look what you did to me? Really?
...
I can't believe he just whipped it out after he just met me 4 hours before. I had already thought it strange he kissed me before dinner.

Wow, that's horrible....

Now, I gotta ask... where were you two snuggled up watching a movie? Was this at the theater? Or at one of your places? I don't excuse his behavior by any means... just thought that inviting a date to your place (or you going to his) within hours of meeting is the typical signal that you're gonna hook-up that night.

JJ is right about the signals.
And yeah - that's horrible. I must say I'm shocked. The guy must have been watching too much porn... God forbid he works in recruitment one day!

I'm also wondering why you were snuggling with a guy if you already had a gut sense that something was strange when he kissed you? So much of dating comes down to intuition so this might be a good reminder to trust your own instincts a bit more.

Silver180

*le sigh*

Sure would be nice if online dating worked as well in practice as it does in theory.

To return to someone else's post, I am one of those guys who is single with no kids. Personally, I'm not looking for someone who already has kids for lots of reasons: Their priority will always lie with their kid before their new relationship. Obviously. Second, you're putting up with someone else's kid. I'd imagine it's hard enough dealing with your own, let alone someone else's. Third, possible ex drama. The kind of ex that is never truly gone. The kind who comes back on a regular basis to have their time with the kid. Also, I see a lot of profiles out there from women who already have kids that don't want any more. Well, I do, so next please.

Long story short, for me personally, I'd highly prefer to date a woman who doesn't have kids simply to avoid all of the issues that come with it. However, I'm not completely against it. But you better be a pretty damn good match if you want to make it work, know what I mean? You better be pretty ideal in every other aspect.

My $0.02

Mellie289

I would not reccommend eharmony. They match you with people that are NOT a match. Some people have found that after the initial, say, month, then only a couple matches a week come through. I always had many matches, but they had nothing in common with me, and the process is very slow. Try a free site first, and see how you like the whole thing......then try a pay site if you like. In my area, there are almost ALL the same people....with a few variations here and there.

Good luck!

I agree. eHarmony is terrible. I'll never go back. I'm sticking with OKCupid in the near future. I got much more contacts in one week on OKC than I did in 6 months on eH. eH was soul-sucking!

Jarnard

I was told and kept reading everywhere in order to internet date, you have to have thick skin. They were right.

One guy I met on POF, we had chatted/ flirted/ texted a lot before meeting. It was going good. Then we met and had 1 drink. It seemed rushed. I texted him later and thanked him and he responded nicely but I never heard from him again. Obviously, he wasn't physically attracted to me. How do you go from texting non-stop to nothing after meeting? Honestly, neither was I to him but the sting hurt nonetheless. I think I might have hid my profile for a while after that to work on myself.

In order to internet date, you have to be okay with rejection. It's a fact. Not every guy (or lady) will like you, apparently even after hours of talking beforehand.
When you get a date in the real world, you already know they're interested and attracted to you. In internet dating you don't have that luxury.

And I don't like that you said you're not beautiful.. you're a fox!!!! I think you're very pretty and you have a hot body. Nobody should make you feel less desirable. Ever!

Internet dating isn't for everybody, I don't think. Obviously, I have major issues with it since I keep doing it/ stopping it.

I agree with this.. You will send thousands of emails to people and no response. You will go on dates with people and no follow up. You will meet some one and go on 8 dates before they tell you they just wanted to be friends..

Internet dating is very hard and you have to have thick skin. Don't lose confidence... I've deleted OKC twice already and recently got back on to see what happens.

J

Jarnard

Why online dating does not benefit men right there! Women are overwhelmed with messages, many of which are inappropriate. How's a good guy going to break through that clutter?
[/quote]

This is also true. Good point.

julesboots

I agree with this.. You will send thousands of emails to people and no response. You will go on dates with people and no follow up. You will meet some one and go on 8 dates before they tell you they just wanted to be friends..

Internet dating is very hard and you have to have thick skin. Don't lose confidence... I've deleted OKC twice already and recently got back on to see what happens.

J

I just looked at your profile here, and you are young and super cute! So, I'm going to be the one telling you not to lose confidence. I'm wondering if the struggle is more getting written responses or follow up dates?

Yanicka1

Oh this tread has been bump

I found the man of my dream on Eharmony.

pa_jorg

Oh this tread has been bump

I found the man of my dream on Eharmony.

Congrats! :flowerforyou: Tell us more!

Ready2Rock206

UGH! I was on Match for a while. I'd rather shoot myself in the head than go through that again. A million people who don't want to date me because I'm not Barbie - gee thanks. I wouldn't even know where to find a man in the real world either so I'm screwed, but I'd rather be alone forever then be told on a daily basis how many men don't want to date me.

DMZ_1

In a way, the Internet reflects real life trends. Attractive, childless 20 something women are sitting on full inboxes, and in real life, that same group of women has plenty of options.

Jarnard

I agree with this.. You will send thousands of emails to people and no response. You will go on dates with people and no follow up. You will meet some one and go on 8 dates before they tell you they just wanted to be friends..

Internet dating is very hard and you have to have thick skin. Don't lose confidence... I've deleted OKC twice already and recently got back on to see what happens.

J

I just looked at your profile here, and you are young and super cute! So, I'm going to be the one telling you not to lose confidence. I'm wondering if the struggle is more getting written responses or follow up dates?

Thanks!!

I think the issue could be the demographic as well. I live in a big city... so that means women are getting a lot more emails and will have to filter through good and bad emails.. perhaps my email is skipped.. Not sure.. Also, after a few dates.. maybe because no move was made... we end up putting each other in friend zone. Sometimes after the first date, we might have much in common. I wish I knew. It can be frustrating at times but that's dating in general.

Jodibear58

Oh, criminy, so glad I stumbled across this today. I've been struggling, too...on POF and match.com, and am finding that the primary issues are:

1.) They have a beautifully written profile, full of wit and spark and intrigue...so I send a witty opening correspondence, just to get back, "Hey baby wut u up 2?" Really? REALLY? Could you please redirect my email to whoever wrote your profile?!

2.) They insist that they think I'm beautiful, but then it's like a surprise when they discover I'm chubby. Hmm. Which part of "full-figured" gave you the impression I was a size 2? I'm afraid I'm one of those chicks who looks nothing like her profile picture.

3.) And that's another one...POF...doesn't give you the option to see what your prospective matches are looking for in terms of body size. Let's face it. I'm chubby. I'm a size 16, 5'3". Am I passionate and rollicky and FUN? Absolutely. But not many people are open-minded enough to want someone who's overweight when there's a slew (probably) of thin, attractive chicks out there. So why not tell me right off the bat (like match.com does) whether someone is looking for someone who is 'slender' or 'big and beautiful'? And having to pick which body type I was was a struggle, too...I put BBW first, because I wanted to own up to my size and give the impression that I was proud of it, but then friends suggested that that actually means something bigger than maybe my actual size. Another friend suggested going with 'a few extra pounds', but in my mind that equates to more like 3-4 pounds, NOT 30-40 pounds. Tricky, tricky.

At this point, I'm feeling a bit battered, kind of fugly, and totally unlikely to find a match anywhere in the cyber world. I like what one of you posted previously, about putting out feelers for a long-distance MFP relationship. I know that MFP isn't match.com, okay? But still, we have SOMETHING in common, at least, and people seem more open/honest about themselves on MFP than they do on match.com.

Exactly. You have pretty much described my Online Dating scenarios here. And at 54 years old to boot, it is even harder (Unless I want to become a Cougar, no thanks)! I actually got back on POF and OkCupid (cause they are free) these past few days, but I have already shut them down based on some of the same reasons I have read on this thread. Would LOVE to meet someone NOT on a dating site :yawn:

dixiech1ck

So here's a OKStupid laugh. I met a guy about a year and a half ago on that site. We spoke on the phone all the time, we had terrific conversations, usually lasting about an hour or two. We set up two different times to meet up and both times, he made up an excuse not to go out with me. Then he disappeared, profile deleted and all. Just vanished. Fast forward to last month, I get an email from him on OKStupid after I had revamped my profile, added photos of the new 86-lbs down me, my accomplishments, etc and all of a sudden it's "WOW! Look at you! Don't know if you remember me but we used to talk all the time.. blah blah blah... you look phenomenal and I can't believe your transformation."

Yep, that's right buddy. Keep salivating. You aren't getting any of this. You had your chance. You didn't like me on the bigger side or want to meet me, you sure as hell aren't getting me on the smaller side. Screw that!

Roadie2000

Internet dating actually taught me a lot. At first I felt very similar to all of you, it killed what little self esteem I had, so I learned to grow thicker skin, accept rejection, and eventually became more confident because of it.

After you get past the first part, it's really no different than regular dating.

It taught me the world is superficial, but not as much as I once thought. I actually had more success when I changed my profile to make me sound like less of a douche than when I added more flattering pictures.

I learned that it is not an easy way or a shortcut. Just like in real life you have to put yourself out there, take chances, try new things, and try to have fun with it. Nothing worth having ever comes easily, it's actually pretty mentally draining and time consuming.

As I filled out my profile it made me aware of all of the things I didn't like about myself, and every time someone didn't reply, the more pronounced it got. It eventually gave me the motivation I needed to make changes in my lifestyle, and made it easier to look in the mirror. That's when I started getting more dates.

kkjay

I'd say I have tough skin, but online dating definitely made it thicker. I'd talk to a guy every now and then, he'd fall off the face of the earth. Then a few months later he'd contact me again trying to talk to me. It's like their first plan didn't work out and I was the fall back or something. No thanks.

I'd say attractive 20 somethings do get a lot of attention. I went out with my friend who is gorgeous and she got hit on every five minutes by a different guy. The guys just flocked to her. I found it amusing, even though I didn't get hit on at all. Hell, I wasn't even looked at! Although even if she wasn't with me I doubt I would've gotten that much attention anyway. Which is fine, because most of the guys creeped me out anyway. :laugh:

misskristy30

I decided to try out pof.com because I actually meet an amazing guy there, that I believe I would have spent the rest of my life with had he not died serving in the Army. In less then 12 hrs. I was propositioned 32 times for sex, 20 of them were old enough to be my dad. I can't believe the disgusting things people will say to you either on that site! It kind of killed my self esteem to know that guys only see me as someone to have sex with and not someone to date. =(

This is exactly what I ran into. Guys wanting only one thing. Very disheartening.

MikeM53082

After trying to shack up with the Spanish cougar next door and not getting anywhere, I decided to give match.com another shot this week. Sent out 5 e-mails to girls I thought were attractive and got one reply. Not too bad at all in the online dating world, I'll take it. Not exactly a confidence booster, but not a self esteem killer either.

Speaking of serial daters, I noticed the SAME GIRLS that were on match.com over 9 months ago when I was on it are still on there. A lot of these girls are attractive and it's hard to believe they still haven't found anyone. Maybe they don't get as many e-mails as we think? Or maybe they just like to go on a lot of dates and have men buy them dinner/drinks?

Has anyone else noticed this?

christine24t

To Mike: I think a lot of people just dont quit their profile. I came across a neighbor on Match and when I showed my sister she said that it looked outdated. She knew he was older than that 25 listed on his profile. I know my profile is outdated as well.

And I've said this before but I personally believe that 99% of people are genuine of not using a date to get a free meal. I don't think serial daters are out for free food - its more about the thrill of dating and the thrill of attention. Not food.

MissingMinnesota

After trying to shack up with the Spanish cougar next door and not getting anywhere, I decided to give match.com another shot this week. Sent out 5 e-mails to girls I thought were attractive and got one reply. Not too bad at all in the online dating world, I'll take it. Not exactly a confidence booster, but not a self esteem killer either.

Speaking of serial daters, I noticed the SAME GIRLS that were on match.com over 9 months ago when I was on it are still on there. A lot of these girls are attractive and it's hard to believe they still haven't found anyone. Maybe they don't get as many e-mails as we think? Or maybe they just like to go on a lot of dates and have men buy them dinner/drinks?

Has anyone else noticed this?

It has been 9 months they could have had a guy they were serious about and broken up a couple times in the time frame. I think we were having a discussion on here before that we usually go through a couple 3 month long relationships in our lifetime.

DMZ_1

And I've said this before but I personally believe that 99% of people are genuine of not using a date to get a free meal. I don't think serial daters are out for free food - its more about the thrill of dating and the thrill of attention. Not food.

This was a big story last year that made the rounds (http://jezebel.com/5863621/woman-lets-matchcom-dates-pay-for-all-of-her-dinners). In the high cost of living Northeastern US cities and in California, this is done. However, I agree that this breed of woman is rare.

Speaking of serial daters, I noticed the SAME GIRLS that were on match.com over 9 months ago when I was on it are still on there. A lot of these girls are attractive and it's hard to believe they still haven't found anyone.

Possible red flag that they are overly fussy if they are active. If not active, they probably found someone and forgot to take their profiles down. To me, taking the profile down (or hiding it for an extended period of time) is the most joyous moments for an online dater.

MikeM53082

This was a big story last year that made the rounds (http://jezebel.com/5863621/woman-lets-matchcom-dates-pay-for-all-of-her-dinners). In the high cost of living Northeastern US cities and in California, this is done. However, I agree that this breed of woman is rare.

Hilarious article. Really makes me second guess the whole online dating thing though.

I think a certain amount of this is expected though. If you are a good looking (a bonafide 9/9.5) 23 year old girl, why not date wealthy men and have them buy stuff for you?

Likewise, if you're an absolute stud, why not try to sleep with as many women as humanly possible?

I think the bottom line is.. if you're hot, you can get away with pretty much anything in this world.