a Chip a Chair and a Chance
poncho33
Posts: 1,511
So this question is aimed at the ladies that do get some messages on online dating but anyone can jump in. So I have mentioned my dating ratio on here as being around 1:35... that is one reply for 35 messages. Now my messages and profile don't need to be broken down, they are just fine. My question is: It seems like such a low risk that could pay off as a pretty big reward for ladies to simply reply to a message... not a date but a friendly message... so why do so many guys have such a low response ratio?? I guess if I thought someone was even remotely attractive or interesting I would at least respond to the first message and see where it goes. Is this just an ego boost?? Are these even real people or just set up to draw in guys?? And lastly why do people join a dating site to not participate?? I was on Okcupid the other date and 90% of the gals had a red dot, meaning they barely ever reply.
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1 - They may be inactive profiles
2 - You might just not meet the checklist they have formed in their mind
3 - They are in it for the ego boost
4 - You are messaging girls out of your league
5 - They could be like me, want to respond, don't have time when they read your message, then your message gets buried with other messages. (This is why I have hidden my profile as I am sure I am passing guys up unintentionally).
Those were just off the top of my head0 -
Because women tend to get a lot of messages, and most of those messages are usually the same.
The subject line will most likely be something like, "Hey!" "Hi." "Hello" followed by an adjective such as "Sexy" "Beautiful" "Cutie".
So if there are a bunch of messages in an inbox, and all of their subject titles look the same... Your message is most likely going to get lost in the other ones. So you might wanna try something funny as the subject line... Even if it's kinda weird/quirky.
Then, the actual content of the message shouldn't just be something like, "Hi, you're beautiful. I want to get to know you."
Mention something from her profile, don't talk about how pretty she is, and maybe ask her a question. If you ask her a question, you're probably more likely to get a response because then it's not just her saying, "Thanks" or not even knowing what the hell to say because all you said was "Hi".
Messages of actual substance are the ones that are going to get more responses. Something that is going to draw her in and make you seem interesting and stand out from the thousands of other guys messaging her.0 -
Honestly it varies so much for me, I don't have a solid formula. I haven't even been on OkCupid in a month because I'm a weirdo. Sometimes it depends on my anxiety. If I've had a couple beers I respond to everyone. If I'm at the weird stage where the idea of meeting someone from the internet makes me panic, I just log out (been at this threshold for a little bit). Sometimes the message is SO LONG and holy **** it's going to take a while to answer, I'll get back to that... and never do. If I have 5 emails that say "Hi" I ignore them all, but if I only have one or two, I'll say "Hi" right back.
It is what it is. It depends on the person, how they feel, where they are (mentally and physically). There's no one answer that's going to make it any better.0 -
1 - They may be inactive profiles
2 - You might just not meet the checklist they have formed in their mind
3 - They are in it for the ego boost
4 - You are messaging girls out of your league
5 - They could be like me, want to respond, don't have time when they read your message, then your message gets buried with other messages. (This is why I have hidden my profile as I am sure I am passing guys up unintentionally).
Those were just off the top of my head
interesting:
1. This is mostly from POF, so I can see that they have been on recently... otherwise I would never see their profile.
2. Not much a guy can do about that... you would think women would be passing out copies of these checklists, so at least guys have something to shoot for.
3. I think this one is more true that I would hope and they are willing to admit
4. I promise you if anything I'm shanking my kicks to find my online league... I've messaged hot, not, slim, fit, avg, big, lame, busy, funny... I've sent to all sorts.
5. I guess it's just two diff. worlds when it comes to online dating, because if I got a message from someone that like I said I was remotely interested in I'd be in shock... based solely off of my online experience.0 -
I read all of my messages and only respond to ones that seem to have put any effort in, even if it is to say that I appreciate the message but.....
What are you saying in your messages to these women?0 -
I read all of my messages and only respond to ones that seem to have put any effort in, even if it is to say that I appreciate the message but.....
What are you saying in your messages to these women?
Well to cover Shammxo advice about the subject, POF took the subject out to address that problem.
As for my messages, I usually start out with a greeting, then pick out something in their profile that peeked my interest and comment on it with a question. I mean I try to keep it pretty light, maybe some humor and never over a couple sentences. I usually won't comment on anything physical because they have heard it all before. However I have just to see if I was missing out on something.
What would you consider effort??0 -
1. she's probably chatting to too many guys already, or probably seeing someone
2. the content of your message isn't interesting enough
3. Youre shooting below your league and she basically thinks you're taking the piss as you're far too good looking for her!
4. Your profile is rude, arrogant, unromantic, too picky, too serious, too long, too short, not appropriate.....etc..... :laugh:
In your case I would think it's somewhere between the overly confident women being tied up and the women lacking in self esteem thinking you're not serious :flowerforyou:
Bloomin minefield isnt it :huh:0 -
I try to respond to all the messages I have gotten, but it's kind of hard sometimes when there's nothing to work with. I gave up on the one word "hi" or "hello" ones, but I did even respond to those at first. Most messages don't have a question in there to make it easy or they don't mention my profile, so it seems they are just sending the same thing out to every woman, so to me, that doesn't feel like an expression of genuine interest. I must admit that sometimes I have read messages and haven't responded for days because I just don't know what to say - there's nothing in the profile or message to help me out.
Why don't people respond? That's a good question. I saw in one guy's profile a little rant in it about how no women have EVER sent him a message ... so I sent him one. Did he reply to me though? Nope. LOL! We weren't really a match anyway. :laugh:
I've had a much better response rate because I send out so few messages. I'm very picky about whom I message and they usually have a lot in common with me already in the profile, so there's lots to talk about. From the dates I've had, I know the guys I've messaged haven't had a lot of responses or contact initiated from women, so that probably helps with my response rate.
I have never contacted anyone on POF that has clicked on the "would like to meet" you button or whatever it is - if you are counting that in your low response rate on that site. I have too many of them in my inbox and too little time, so I have spent my time responding to the men who have actually sent me a message, plus it seems to me that they most likely haven't read my profile and are just going by my picture.0 -
Ok for me its mainly because the messages I get are so blah. Hi Hey cutie . However whenever I get types something nore than 2 lines I do email him back. the only exceptions are guys who are outside my parameters to old or young and to short. It says on my profile not to message me if your below a certain age or height and I feel like if they do then well obviously they didnt read my profile0
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I try to respond to all the messages I have gotten, but it's kind of hard sometimes when there's nothing to work with. I gave up on the one word "hi" or "hello" ones, but I did even respond to those at first. Most messages don't have a question in there to make it easy or they don't mention my profile, so it seems they are just sending the same thing out to every woman, so to me, that doesn't feel like an expression of genuine interest. I must admit that sometimes I have read messages and haven't responded for days because I just don't know what to say - there's nothing in the profile or message to help me out.
Why don't people respond? That's a good question. I saw in one guy's profile a little rant in it about how no women have EVER sent him a message ... so I sent him one. Did he reply to me though? Nope. LOL! We weren't really a match anyway. :laugh:
I've had a much better response rate because I send out so few messages. I'm very picky about whom I message and they usually have a lot in common with me already in the profile, so there's lots to talk about. From the dates I've had, I know the guys I've messaged haven't had a lot of responses or contact initiated from women, so that probably helps with my response rate.
I have never contacted anyone on POF that has clicked on the "would like to meet" you button or whatever it is - if you are counting that in your low response rate on that site. I have too many of them in my inbox and too little time, so I have spent my time responding to the men who have actually sent me a message, plus it seems to me that they most likely haven't read my profile and are just going by my picture.
No I don't mess with that wink and would like to meet crap0 -
I suspect that a lot of ladies are on there just to see what the market bears or are hoping for a 10 to contact them and sweep them away with no effort on their part.
To be fair I think lots of guys do the same.0 -
I suspect that a lot of ladies are on there just to see what the market bears or are hoping for a 10 to contact them and sweep them away with no effort on their part.
To be fair I think lots of guys do the same.
I suspect the same Carl...
If a guy wanted to get a 10 he should get a mail order bride rather than online date.0 -
If you are a childless woman in your 20s and are average looking or better, your inbox is flooded.
If you recall, there was a screenshot posted in here with someone having over 600 OKC messages.
There are some things that I have tried to do to increase response rates, and they have worked to a limited extent. I would say my response rates are around 1 in 15 or 1 in 20.
How is your friend of friend network?0 -
Well, it sounds like you're doing everything right (appropriate messages, writing to a varied group, etc.) so I'm a bit surprised more women aren't responding to you. Are you using the same photos there as on MFP? Maybe there is something there or in your text that could be causing this?0
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I respond to most messages I get but if they just say Hi or Hey your sexy, then no. I do look at their profile and pictures first though. Sometimes when I do reply back I don't get any other communication, go figure. Sounds like you are doing things right, maybe the women you are contacting are just too picky.0
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Well, something is just not right. Every woman here claims to respond to most civil messages, and you seem to be doing all the right things. And yet, you're a pathetic 1 for 35. Doesn't add up...
I'm actually terrible at rating men, just terrible. I have no sense for it. Having said that, you seem like you're a good looking guy. But again, what do I know?
Which comes to the point of my post: perhaps you're just not that attractive? I mean, it's nothing to be ashamed about. Not everyone is Cary Grant. Perhaps you should focus on less attractive women?
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If you are a childless woman in your 20s and are average looking or better, your inbox is flooded.
If you recall, there was a screenshot posted in here with someone having over 600 OKC messages.
There are some things that I have tried to do to increase response rates, and they have worked to a limited extent. I would say my response rates are around 1 in 15 or 1 in 20.
How is your friend of friend network?
I would say even if they do have 1 child they are flooded. Honestly I have tried it all and I wanted to give the online dating a full and open chance... and after seeing all the messages here, I think I did. The simple fact of the matter is, an an avg. to above avg. guy is either going to have to get really lucky or settle when it comes to online dating.
I'm not too worried, I have lots of friends, I'm not shy and I do pretty well at the bar. The reason I got into online dating in the first place was after the break up of my ex, I was down and feeling lazy about finding someone new... so I signed up. I do pretty well in person, I was just hopping not to spend my 30's in bars... but fug-it and to the bar I shall go!0 -
I'm not too worried, I have lots of friends, I'm not shy and I do pretty well at the bar. The reason I got into online dating in the first place was after the break up of my ex, I was down and feeling lazy about finding someone new... so I signed up. I do pretty well in person, I was just hopping not to spend my 30's in bars... but fug-it and to the bar I shall go!
This. Completely agree.
I just need to find the time to get out. But it's pretty much my only hope.
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I can't imagine you not getting a response, but you're an attractive guy looking for women at an age where they probably get more traffic. You seem to be doing the right things, and I'd definitely focus more offline.
I typically only respond to those that interest me, but truthfully, that's pretty rare for me online. I get a few messages every day on OKC and POF, but it's been mostly a lot of freaky people (way more on OKC than on POF, which is somehow surprising to me). Just in the last 24 hours, I've gotten an offer from a married guy looking for a regular appt and a 24 year old offering to be my servant and pay my bills. Hilarious to say the least, so I'm not taking the online thing too seriously. It takes a lot to weed through the muck, haha...
I'm thinking I need to start fishing on MFP, haha :laugh:0 -
If you are a childless woman in your 20s and are average looking or better, your inbox is flooded.
If you recall, there was a screenshot posted in here with someone having over 600 OKC messages.
There are some things that I have tried to do to increase response rates, and they have worked to a limited extent. I would say my response rates are around 1 in 15 or 1 in 20.
How is your friend of friend network?
I would say even if they do have 1 child they are flooded. Honestly I have tried it all and I wanted to give the online dating a full and open chance... and after seeing all the messages here, I think I did. The simple fact of the matter is, an an avg. to above avg. guy is either going to have to get really lucky or settle when it comes to online dating.
I'm not too worried, I have lots of friends, I'm not shy and I do pretty well at the bar. The reason I got into online dating in the first place was after the break up of my ex, I was down and feeling lazy about finding someone new... so I signed up. I do pretty well in person, I was just hopping not to spend my 30's in bars... but fug-it and to the bar I shall go!
Don't let Prahasaurus' 'humour' unsettle you, you're freaking gorgeous!! :bigsmile:
And nothing wrong with bars. I'd much prefer to meet a guy in a bar than online. Most guys online are insane!! (another reason you dont get messaged back. Perhaps your eyes emit madness.....lol....j/k) Bring back bar chat is what I say :bigsmile:0 -
I can't imagine you not getting a response, but you're an attractive guy looking for women at an age where they probably get more traffic. You seem to be doing the right things, and I'd definitely focus more offline.
I agree with NCTravel... you are an attractive guy and you seem to be reading decent messages to these women. It really boggles my mind why you would not be getting responses since I know I would respond if I receieved a message from you and I am a childless women in my 20s.
Even when I do the free sites, I can only be on a week or 2 at a time since I get overwhelmed with the amount of messages, but I do read them all since I am on the site to meet someone and don't want to pass up the good ones.0 -
I can't imagine you not getting a response, but you're an attractive guy looking for women at an age where they probably get more traffic. You seem to be doing the right things, and I'd definitely focus more offline.
I agree with NCTravel... you are an attractive guy and you seem to be reading decent messages to these women. It really boggles my mind why you would not be getting responses since I know I would respond if I receieved a message from you and I am a childless women in my 20s.
Errmmm, do you two live near each other??? :bigsmile:
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I'm not too worried, I have lots of friends, I'm not shy and I do pretty well at the bar. The reason I got into online dating in the first place was after the break up of my ex, I was down and feeling lazy about finding someone new... so I signed up. I do pretty well in person, I was just hopping not to spend my 30's in bars... but fug-it and to the bar I shall go!
I like your 'tude! See if your friends can set you up with mutual acquaintances. I am a big believer in the friend of friend network. If you have been living in the same place for an extended period of time, that helps with having a good friend of friend network. I think fug-it and the bar is a pretty good solution from your perspective.0 -
Thanks to this forum and observing the guys' angst, I do respond to all emails (even the "Hey") ones unless the guy is clearly too old or too unattractive. I met 23 guys in the 3 months I was active on Match and most of them were great guys (just not great for me). Some were a little older, some where a little younger and some a little less attractive than I would have chosen for myself. But I had so much fun, learned a lot, and even fixed some of the guys up with friends. Out of the (few) guys I approached first NONE asked me out or even continued emailing me beyond the initial "thanks."
So maybe you should shoot for a different type of woman or clean up your profile (I don't think you posted it, but when I read the ladies responses to guys who post one I typically agree with what's said as something that would turn me off).0 -
Thanks to this forum and observing the guys' angst, I do respond to all emails (even the "Hey") ones unless the guy is clearly too old or too unattractive. I met 23 guys in the 3 months I was active on Match and most of them were great guys (just not great for me). Some were a little older, some where a little younger and some a little less attractive than I would have chosen for myself. But I had so much fun, learned a lot, and even fixed some of the guys up with friends. Out of the (few) guys I approached first NONE asked me out or even continued emailing me beyond the initial "thanks."
So maybe you should shoot for a different type of woman or clean up your profile (I don't think you posted it, but when I read the ladies responses to guys who post one I typically agree with what's said as something that would turn me off).
Your suggestions are good JJ and everyone else's as well. But I don't think my profile or taste in woman is the problem... I mean, I have yet to see a guy post about a good reply ratio... I think DM's 1:15 is the best I've seen. Actually I wasn't trying to come off as someone who can't get a date in this post... but more looking for reasons why someone wouldn't respond to something with such a low risk, that could pay off huge. As I just messaged someone on here, I remember the days of sharing 1-5 minutes of convo with a person exchanging #'s and boom you have a date. Now we're suppose to master the art of writing a dating profile to get a simple response (not even a date)??... way to technical for my blood.0 -
1:35 Reslly? That's rough dude lol.
You'll get there.0 -
If I'm not physically attracted to the guy, I won't respond. If the guy went out of his way to write me a long message and it's obvious he read my profile, I'll politely just thank him. Otherwise, I don't see the point in responding. It probably sounds bad but that's the truth. I won't waste my time nor yours just to be nice. That's how it starts.
And me not being physically attracted happens a lot. Out of 10 messages I get, I might be attracted to 1.
Once I am attracted to him, I'll look at his profile... If there are deal breakers (for online dating) such as kiddos, defensiveness in his "about me" or height, or if he's just looking for casual/ non commitment, I'll decide then.0 -
more looking for reasons why someone wouldn't respond to something with such a low risk, that could pay off huge.
See, I don't see it that way. As a woman, who gets emotionally attached, the first time I was on Match I was insanely more selective with who I responded to because I emotionally attached to someone too quickly. This man had to be good looking, the right age, fit in with my career goals, and be a good father. He also had to not mug, rape, or kill me on our first date, and what if I email him once and decide I don't like him?? then I get a ton of stalker messages (and my gf actually HAD a stalker at one time) and even if he's not a stalker, I only have so much time in a day (about 10 min/night) to manage my online account so it's not "low risk" to an over-analytical woman who is constantly bombarded with guys trying to get in their pants. It's easier to come up with dumb reasons not to respond to a guy when you have that many guys emailing you every day.
This time around, I was just looking to have fun not get serious with anyone so I learned a valuable lesson in thinking outside the box, but I still don't respond to guys I have absolutely no interest in. I actually delete their emails without reading them unless the title of the email is so unique that I'll open it and respond with a "not interested but thanks for the awesome note" kind of thing.
As many lonely women as there are out there, if it's not your profile or taste in women, it might be your location but that's about all I can think of.I don't think my profile or taste in woman is the problem0 -
I think it depends on who you are messaging. If you are only messaging the top 10 percent of women who get tuns of emails you will have less response.
The men that I don't respond to either have no pictures, or appear to be completely incompatable (ie 46 with 3 kids and dont' want any more..or 25 and party kids). Or that I see the picture and I know I'm not attracted.
Otherwise I email back. Not that it has been all that much better. I was supposed to meet 3 people this past week and all 3 bailed on me. 0-3 this week. I could have been doing other fun things.
Anyway I don't know but message not just the stunning ladies..message some of the average ladies too if you like their smile.0 -
When I was on my Match.com profile a lot I would respond to most everyone. There were a few I did not respond to for various reasons (Ex: A message with one word in it, someone much older than me, someone with no pics or one picture you can't see, someone who's profile was full of errors or if we had nothing in common.)
Even the people I was moderately interested in I would respond to since you never know and not everyone is photogenic. After meeting my current guy on there I have not been on or responding to anything but I am sure my profile says I have not been active in months. If you message people who are not checking that might be part of it.
I'm not sure why otherwise. Sorry... You seem like a nice enough guy. Good luck!0
