Poor Self Esteem, Chasing After Hotties/Players
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
My friends and I were talking about a guy friend who will only date perfect 10 really young girls. Someone said that was evidence of his low self-esteem; that he buys the attention of these girls to feel better about himself. I never thought about it as “low self esteem.” I actually thought he just knew his high value (lol). Especially since the guys I work with generally go for the young girls.
But I thought about it some more and realize that “back in the day” I resembled that remark. The guys I went out with when I first became single were either pre-existing friends or players following the scent of a recently divorced woman. The players were often really good looking, charming, and boosted my ego. For a short while, I was in a place where I’d only go out with the super-hot guy who would make my ex super jealous. So I **totally** understand the temporary shallowness that follows a breakup or a divorce.
Now I’m a little more grown and can appreciate a man for more than just his looks or what his appearance does for *MY* appearance. In fact, I tend to stay away from guys who are too “Hollywood hot” now. This makes me think of that shallow girl we discussed in the other thread- she never got comfortable in her own skin… always judging her worth by the “hotness” of the guy on her arm.
Have you, or your friends, had these kinds of experiences?
But I thought about it some more and realize that “back in the day” I resembled that remark. The guys I went out with when I first became single were either pre-existing friends or players following the scent of a recently divorced woman. The players were often really good looking, charming, and boosted my ego. For a short while, I was in a place where I’d only go out with the super-hot guy who would make my ex super jealous. So I **totally** understand the temporary shallowness that follows a breakup or a divorce.
Now I’m a little more grown and can appreciate a man for more than just his looks or what his appearance does for *MY* appearance. In fact, I tend to stay away from guys who are too “Hollywood hot” now. This makes me think of that shallow girl we discussed in the other thread- she never got comfortable in her own skin… always judging her worth by the “hotness” of the guy on her arm.
Have you, or your friends, had these kinds of experiences?
0
Replies
-
My insecurities would tend to keep me away from the hotties rather than have me chasing them. If a guy that is super goodlooking talks to me, I always wonder about his motives. I can't fathom him wanting to date me. And most of the time now, they are young... so I just use that as an excuse to blow them off. Unless I just feel like flirting. Then, I flirt... knowing that's all it will be.
If a man looks like he stepped off the pages of a magazine, I would never be comfortable dating him. I would always feel self-conscious.0 -
My guess is 50% of guys like that really do have an ego and the other 50% have low self esteem and try to play up their ego.0
-
Nope. I'm not into pretty boys lol. Dont get me wrong I enjoy good looking guys. But the look I go for has a tendency to be more metal/rock. Not exactly your typical pretty boy.
Now I have seen some of my boys do this and being the good friend I am I go and play wing women to help them land these ladies lol. :bigsmile:0 -
My roomie is excruciatingly shallow. He only dates younger women that are hot. When he's not looking for a relationship he goes out night after night to score hotties because it's fun for him.
Is he model sexy himself? No. He's a decent looking guy. But he has MAD charisma. Off the charts persuasive smooth talker. He sells BMWs for a living, and isn't the sleazy type. He's the type that gets the sale and gets good commission while being the top sales guy month after month.
He definitely does not have low self esteem. A bit immature, sure. Egotistical, yeah. No confidence issues.
He told me he likes to keep me around for the intellectual conversations hahahaa0 -
I would say shallow, not so much low self-esteem. I think if you had low self-esteem, you wouldn't feel confident to go for "10s."0
-
I did have one friend tell me he follows the Charlie Sheen from 2 and 1/2 men mentalitly. Just keep asking the hot ones eventually you'll find one to say yes. LOL apperantly thats the secret .0
-
My best friend always picks on me for being alittle shallow. I know it stems from her own insecurities about when she was single and felt unattractive. She doesn't like that I use looks as part of the criteria of who I want to date.
The funny thing is its not like I have ever dated someone who anyone else would consider HOT. My one boyfriend was legally blind and a very hairy man in an unattractive way..but he had a nice smile and was very sweet and good to me.
The other guy I saw for more than 3 months..I wasn't that attracted to..and turns out he wasn't into me either haha, but we got along..just not physically on the same page.
One man I was completely gaga over was pretty cute according to my friends..he was tall, and large build..we had very good chemistry. If I see someone who reminds me of him..I get pretty excited. But I'm similar to other posters..if an extremely attractive man were to show me attention..I would have NO clue with to do with myself..or how to interact with him.0 -
Interesting topic...
I tend to be attracted women who are about my age (+-4 or 5 years). Until very recently, I never attracted women at all (romantically, that is), and most certainly not "hotties". These days I do "OK", I'm pleased to say - I guess I'm aging well. Still no "hotties", but that's fine with me.
Just a few days ago, to my surprise, I was approached by a "hottie" - well, an "age appropriate" hottie, that is. I don't know her exact age, though I'd say she was within a few of years of me (clearly on the younger side) She had a lovely face and a beautiful trim body.
Now, perhaps it's my own prejudices, but I usually assume that "beautiful people" - of both genders - don't have to try as hard as us mere "averages"... and therefore, we probably won't get along well in the end. It's especially important to me that our conversations are mutually engaging and satisfying; I feel strongly that both parties have to do the work of bringing interesting ideas to the table. My experiences with folks on the extreme end of the attractiveness curve make be believe that I will probably have to do most of the talking, and guide the conversation in order to hold their interest. Now admittedly, this might be my own self defense mechanism - perhaps a response to my own self image: to mentally reject first, so I won't be rejected later... Or maybe, it's just an implicit acknowledgment of reality - I can't hold the attention of someone who is very attractive, in the presence of a competitor who is more attractive than I.
But I digress:
Well, this hottie and I hit it off rather well at that first encounter, and subsequently spent most of a day together. The chemistry was there, and the "signals" were being sent... Much to my surprise and delight, our conversations revealed that she was articulate and intelligent. Sadly, through our conversation, I found that we were so different in our outlooks and dispositions, that I don't think it could ever work out romantically. Poor self image or not, I won't be calling back, for anything other than friendship.
I still think it was a quirk, but lemme tell you, I was seriously flattered to be "considered" by a hottie!0 -
.if an extremely attractive man were to show me attention..I would have NO clue with to do with myself..or how to interact with him.
I could give an idea or two...0 -
Yeah, I'd imagine low dating self esteem would be expressed differently by men and women. My ex always had a huge ego combined with low self esteem (plus insane charisma- people still comment on that years later) and he always aimed "out of his class."
I'd imagine now his self image is even lower, but he seems to think that he can date girls who look exactly like I did in my mid-20s. It's not working out well for him.0 -
Now I’m a little more grown and can appreciate a man for more than just his looks or what his appearance does for *MY* appearance. In fact, I tend to stay away from guys who are too “Hollywood hot” now.
Which I thank God for. :blushing:
I`m sorry Janie,just couldn`t resist trying to be silly. :flowerforyou:0 -
Now I’m a little more grown and can appreciate a man for more than just his looks or what his appearance does for *MY* appearance. In fact, I tend to stay away from guys who are too “Hollywood hot” now.
Which I thank God for. :blushing:
I`m sorry Janie,just couldn`t resist trying to be silly. :flowerforyou:
Carl you crack me up. You have a lot going for you, and don't you forget it!0 -
My guess is 50% of guys like that really do have an ego and the other 50% have low self esteem and try to play up their ego.
^^This! I'd say it's an even split as well...I can't even imagine life like that.
When I had low esteem, I actually had several really hot boyfriends... they turned out to be players who saw an opportunity to take advantage, and I see that now. SOO... now it just makes me suspicious, haha! I'm SO not falling for that again... but if any hot nice guy really likes me, I'm screwed cause I'll likely pass him over!0 -
Jeez, I wish a hot girl would take advantage of me for a little while.
This is why I have ZERO sympathy for women. Absolutely zero.
0 -
Jeez, I wish a hot girl would take advantage of me for a little while.
This is why I have ZERO sympathy for women. Absolutely zero.
lmao if only we actually liked being taken advantage of...not a fan personally..0 -
Jeez, I wish a hot girl would take advantage of me for a little while.
This is why I have ZERO sympathy for women. Absolutely zero.
lmao if only we actually liked being taken advantage of...not a fan personally..
I don't believe that's the kind of "taken advantage of" that Mike would be referring to, haha...0 -
Jeez, I wish a hot girl would take advantage of me for a little while.
This is why I have ZERO sympathy for women. Absolutely zero.
lmao if only we actually liked being taken advantage of...not a fan personally..
Still not going to get an ounce of sympathy from me.
So let me get this straight, most women can get sex from a good looking man, who's way out of her league.
OR
Have a relationship with a man whos's a good match for her.
Meanwhile for men:
We can get easy sex from a woman who's well below our league.
OR
Have a relationship with a woman who's a good match for us.
Looking at the two differences, women definitely have it better. No doubt.0 -
Oh, wait a second Mike. I can't let you slide on this one! LOL
I can't count how many times I've seen an average guy or a less than average guy with a beautiful woman.
And... beautiful people get used for sex, too.
But this thread is depressing to me... it makes me wonder now if all the compliments I've gotten over my lifetime weren't just a farce to get me in the sack... ugh...0 -
Not sure about anyone else but I'm in single peeps because I've never found a match and really never had a hot guy try to take advantage of me lol...so not sure where you are getting the impression that all women have this abundance of opportunity.Jeez, I wish a hot girl would take advantage of me for a little while.
This is why I have ZERO sympathy for women. Absolutely zero.
lmao if only we actually liked being taken advantage of...not a fan personally..
Still not going to get an ounce of sympathy from me.
So let me get this straight, most women can get sex from a good looking man, who's way out of her league.
OR
Have a relationship with a man whos's a good match for her.
Meanwhile for men:
We can get easy sex from a woman who's well below our league.
OR
Have a relationship with a woman who's a good match for us.
Looking at the two differences, women definitely have it better. No doubt.
But I'll agree and just figure I'm an unlucky anomaly in the female universe.0 -
Let's see.. still not getting an ounce of sympathy from me (or any guy for that matter).
You do understand that men view sex with a good looking girl as being the ultimate experience. Most of us don't give a hoot about building a relationship, learning about someones "inner beauty", or any of that hogwash. We want SEX WITH A HOT BABE and lots of it.
Knowing that women have an easier time getting sex from someone whos out of their league might make a man resently (but mostly jealous) of a women's situation.0 -
Let's see.. still not getting an ounce of sympathy from me (or any guy for that matter).
You do understand that men view sex with a good looking girl as being the ultimate experience. Most of us don't give a hoot about building a relationship, learning about someones "inner beauty", or any of that hogwash. We want SEX WITH A HOT BABE and lots of it.
Knowing that women have an easier time getting sex from someone whos out of their league might make a man resently (but mostly jealous) of a women's situation.
It's an interesting discussion/ debate point, and I have had this discussion with a guy friend. The bottomline point is that an AVERAGE woman could walk into a bar and offer herself up for sex, and she would have a CHOICE of the guys that jump in. On the flip side, any average guy doing the same thing would likely hear crickets. So in most men's mind, that means women have it easier because they control sex.
BUT women don't view it that way because your average female would never do that (and to your point Mike, a lot of guys would if they thought it would work). They aren't looking for easy sex. They want a relationship On top of that, women who get little attention from men in general find the first part hard to accept. I did not agree or believe it for a second when asked last year... NOW? I get it, and while I may not fully agree, I do think I could walk into a bar and SOMEONE would take me up on it. Not that I would, or have any desire to, but I see it. I wasn't average though before so it's hard to admit....0 -
Let's see.. still not getting an ounce of sympathy from me (or any guy for that matter).
You do understand that men view sex with a good looking girl as being the ultimate experience. Most of us don't give a hoot about building a relationship, learning about someones "inner beauty", or any of that hogwash. We want SEX WITH A HOT BABE and lots of it.
Knowing that women have an easier time getting sex from someone whos out of their league might make a man resently (but mostly jealous) of a women's situation.
Wow, I love how you clump all men into the jerk category.
I get it. Men love sex. Men want sex. Lots of it. Men want sex with a hot babe. Lots of it. Gotcha.
But I've met men who do care about building a relationship. Most of the men I date are like that. I'm usually the one who breaks it off. And... some men would give sympathy to a woman who was being used and taken advantage of...
just sayin'
There are some decent, caring guys out there who think past their appendage.0 -
Let's see.. still not getting an ounce of sympathy from me (or any guy for that matter).
You do understand that men view sex with a good looking girl as being the ultimate experience. Most of us don't give a hoot about building a relationship, learning about someones "inner beauty", or any of that hogwash. We want SEX WITH A HOT BABE and lots of it.
Knowing that women have an easier time getting sex from someone whos out of their league might make a man resently (but mostly jealous) of a women's situation.
Wow, I love how you clump all men into the jerk category.
I get it. Men love sex. Men want sex. Lots of it. Men want sex with a hot babe. Lots of it. Gotcha.
But I've met men who do care about building a relationship. Most of the men I date are like that. I'm usually the one who breaks it off. And... some men would give sympathy to a woman who was being used and taken advantage of...
just sayin'
There are some decent, caring guys out there who think past their appendage.
Hey, I'm just keeping it real on here.
I wouldn't consider this situation as a man being a "jerk". We are simply doing what we are biologically programmed to do. Which is have sex with many women to secure the passing down of our genes, preferable with a partner we are instinctively attracted to (big boobs, wide hips, healthy skin/hair, etc etc).
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.0 -
Hey, I'm just keeping it real on here.
I wouldn't consider this situation as a man being a "jerk". We are simply doing what we are biologically programmed to do. Which is have sex with many women to secure the passing down of our genes, preferable with a partner we are instinctively attracted to (big boobs, wide hips, healthy skin/hair, etc etc).
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.
OK, Mike, you know I love you and harass you endlessly, but did you really just say you have to fight for every decent piece of TAIL? You really are a hot mess :laugh: Maybe you should go back to the free online dating sites..... tail is much easier to get there and you're not paying for it, HA!0 -
Hey, I'm just keeping it real on here.
I wouldn't consider this situation as a man being a "jerk". We are simply doing what we are biologically programmed to do. Which is have sex with many women to secure the passing down of our genes, preferable with a partner we are instinctively attracted to (big boobs, wide hips, healthy skin/hair, etc etc).
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.
OK, Mike, you know I love you and harass you endlessly, but did you really just say you have to fight for every decent piece of TAIL? You really are a hot mess :laugh: Maybe you should go back to the free online dating sites..... tail is much easier to get there and you're not paying for it, HA!
You're too kind NC
The plight of the modern man is a daunting one. My life isn't a 24/7 orgy as most would think!0 -
Let's see.. still not getting an ounce of sympathy from me (or any guy for that matter).
You do understand that men view sex with a good looking girl as being the ultimate experience. Most of us don't give a hoot about building a relationship, learning about someones "inner beauty", or any of that hogwash. We want SEX WITH A HOT BABE and lots of it.
Knowing that women have an easier time getting sex from someone whos out of their league might make a man resently (but mostly jealous) of a women's situation.
I am going to disagree with the basic premise here that sex is the only desired thing as I love to have a special lady to me share a hand in hand sunset and other moments/times together.
That being said kind of in response to Anna from another thread...
Guys do not equate sex as the culmination of emotional spikes as it appears ladies do,that is why we can do it and then go on without a great deal of fanfare although I do believe a connection of some level is usually developed.
It is just as much a mystery to us how ladies take it too.
Just a difference in our basic emotional reactions to things.0 -
Hey, I'm just keeping it real on here.
I wouldn't consider this situation as a man being a "jerk". We are simply doing what we are biologically programmed to do. Which is have sex with many women to secure the passing down of our genes, preferable with a partner we are instinctively attracted to (big boobs, wide hips, healthy skin/hair, etc etc).
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.
OK, Mike, you know I love you and harass you endlessly, but did you really just say you have to fight for every decent piece of TAIL? You really are a hot mess :laugh: Maybe you should go back to the free online dating sites..... tail is much easier to get there and you're not paying for it, HA!
You're too kind NC
The plight of the modern man is a daunting one. My life isn't a 24/7 orgy as most would think!
Don't worry. No one thinks that.
0 -
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.
True.0 -
I'm just saying, from a man's point of view, it seems that most women have it made in the shade. Whereas your average guy (i.e. me) has to fight for every decent piece of tail he can get.
True.
No you guys have to fight to get women that are in your little checklist of what you consider hot. Most guys I know are 6's and are shooting for and asking out the 9 and 10s and ignore the 6 - 8s. It would be less of a fight for guys if they actually tried to go for someone in their same catergory. While most women have a wider range of what they are looking for looks wise. Yes we like guys taller then us but since most women are shorter then most men that doesn't eliminate the majority of guys. If a girl is a 7 she will more then likely go for a guy 5-9.0 -
My insecurities would tend to keep me away from the hotties rather than have me chasing them. If a guy that is super goodlooking talks to me, I always wonder about his motives. I can't fathom him wanting to date me. And most of the time now, they are young... so I just use that as an excuse to blow them off. Unless I just feel like flirting. Then, I flirt... knowing that's all it will be.
If a man looks like he stepped off the pages of a magazine, I would never be comfortable dating him. I would always feel self-conscious.
I'm with you on this one.0
