Think I'm a hypocrite....
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Danielle_2013
Posts: 806 Member
Ok...here goes. Long story made..long. Sorry about that, just how I roll.
So..Halloween work function..to be honest was a hot mess. Crap costume, rain soaked hair, squirrely amounts of sugar-crazed energy and probably smears of chocolate 'round my mouth as further proof of my "fun-sized" gluttony.
I ended up getting caught looking like a total idiot by this guy...so in true form I go over and introduce myself. My first thought was wow..purely based on personality. He comes across incredibly warm and genuine, super confident, well-spoken, well-mannered and well-dressed. A great first impression. We also have a number of mutual friends and he is well known in the community and where I work.
Part of our interaction was him asking me some political trivia questions..on which I completely blanked on..therefore setting up my favorite flirting technique ever...banter and mockery. It was very good.
He ended up asking me if I would like to go out for dinner with him sometime. He said later via text that he thought I was beautiful and was struck by my warmth, humour and positivity.
Sounds good..right? Okay..so here's the thing. He is overweight. I would guess he could stand to lose at least 50 lbs. Now..I need to lose even more than that...but am working on it!
It isn't that I find him unattractive...it is that I am worried I will find him very attractive and do not want to date or be with someone who is not focused on their health ever again.
Any thoughts on how I approach this both mentally and in person? Yes I know this assumes everything else would click for both of us..which is not a sure bet...but still. Part of me doesn't want to go on the date if I am not interested..and part of me thinks I should just go to have fun, meet someone new and stop overthinking everything...like I always do.
So..Halloween work function..to be honest was a hot mess. Crap costume, rain soaked hair, squirrely amounts of sugar-crazed energy and probably smears of chocolate 'round my mouth as further proof of my "fun-sized" gluttony.
I ended up getting caught looking like a total idiot by this guy...so in true form I go over and introduce myself. My first thought was wow..purely based on personality. He comes across incredibly warm and genuine, super confident, well-spoken, well-mannered and well-dressed. A great first impression. We also have a number of mutual friends and he is well known in the community and where I work.
Part of our interaction was him asking me some political trivia questions..on which I completely blanked on..therefore setting up my favorite flirting technique ever...banter and mockery. It was very good.
He ended up asking me if I would like to go out for dinner with him sometime. He said later via text that he thought I was beautiful and was struck by my warmth, humour and positivity.
Sounds good..right? Okay..so here's the thing. He is overweight. I would guess he could stand to lose at least 50 lbs. Now..I need to lose even more than that...but am working on it!
It isn't that I find him unattractive...it is that I am worried I will find him very attractive and do not want to date or be with someone who is not focused on their health ever again.
Any thoughts on how I approach this both mentally and in person? Yes I know this assumes everything else would click for both of us..which is not a sure bet...but still. Part of me doesn't want to go on the date if I am not interested..and part of me thinks I should just go to have fun, meet someone new and stop overthinking everything...like I always do.
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Go along, see how it goes and drop your lifestyle/weight loss goals into the conversation and see how it goes from there.
You can't judge anything in advance!0 -
Maybe you are just what he needs to get him motivated!! It is so easy judge someone. Don't be that girl. You could just as easily date someone who is thin .. but lazy as all get out.0
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Oh hun...you're giving this WAY too much thought. First of all, you are ASSUMING that he's not focused on his weight. Perhaps he is working on it, and you just don't know it.... ? How does HE know that YOU are working on yourself, as well? He could be judging you, based on YOUR weight, and he would be wrong, wouldn't he.
If you like him, and it sounds like you do, then GO, enjoy your time, and get to know him better. I, personally, don't think he has to have the same weight loss goals as you, for a relationship to blossom. Yes, it's harder, but not impossible, and perhaps by YOU continuing to eat well and make positive choices w/ your body, HE will then begin to follow suit (if he's not already trying to do so....)
That's just my two cents... xoxo Good luck, my friend!0 -
Perhaps he is trying to lose weight? Perhaps, as noted, you're just the spark he needed to start? It's always more fun to exercise with a friend/partner. Perhaps you have one?
Or perhaps he's a lazy slob. Time will tell... ;-)
--P0 -
Who knows? He could've already lost weight. Give him a chance.0
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Sounds good..right? Okay..so here's the thing. He is overweight. I would guess he could stand to lose at least 50 lbs. Now..I need to lose even more than that...but am working on it!
It isn't that I find him unattractive...it is that I am worried I will find him very attractive and do not want to date or be with someone who is not focused on their health ever again.
Ok, you admit that you need to lose more weight yourself. How long have you been on MFP or been on your healthy journey? How much weight have you lost already? And most importantly, did you tell him any of your struggles with weight/health issues when you met the other day? My point is simply that without getting to know him better (you already like his personality - a lot it sounds like), then you will never know where he is. If you give him a chance, you could find out that he's in a similar place with workouts, diet, etc. Of course this may or may not be true. But how about one date to find out? And then you can't call yourself a hypocrite any longer either.0 -
I think I'm going to stray from the pack, as usual, and disagree. I wouldn't go out with him.
Sometimes, I have a very one track mind. If I set my mind to something, I'm determined to accomplish it regardless of what else is going on in my life. If I really wanted to lose weight, I'd put it as my #1 priority and focus all my free time and energy on that. I'd cut off friends and family to spend time at the gym and not be tempted with bar food and beer.
One of the main reasons most dieters fail is because they don't put it as a priority in their life. They want to lose weight, but they don't want to sacrifice happy hour for the gym or chocolate cake for fruits and vegetables. They want to reap the rewards, but don't want to commit or be disciplined.
If your health is your #1 priority, treat it as such. Don't waste your time on wishy-washy dating. Get to your ideal weight, establish a healthy, livable routine, and then focus on landing a good guy.
I think you have a wonderful personality and outlook on life, so I'm sure that'll be no problem
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You never really know what kind of struggles someone has until you really know them. I met my "man" when I was 20 pounds heavier and really trying to lose weight. He even looks at a salad and loses 5 pounds. 6'2, muscular, 185. If he had dismissed me for being "heavy" when we met we wouldn't have the wonderful relationship/friendship we have now. He didn't know I was trying to lose weight until I got 10 of the 20 off. It wasn't even a blimp on his radar. He liked me for me, not for what my butt looks like in jeans...or my motivation to do 45 minutes on the elliptical 5 days a week.0
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You and I are like two peas in a pod. Lol. I say give him a chance. You may have just found the best work out partner you'll ever get and if you don't even give him a chance, you have just missed out on a huge opportunity. You find him attractive in ways other than the physical. With you being on a weight loss journey yourself, you want people to give you that chance right? Give him that same chance. He may be on a journey of his own and you two can propel each other forward. Or not. He could be gaining weight?!?!? But you'll never know unless you seize this opportunity to find out. :flowerforyou: Good luck!!0
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How do you know he's not working on his health too? I mean you just met him right...most people don't in idle chitchat talk about oh yeah as you can see I'm a fattie but I'm working on it.
So I say go..you can find out over dinner by seeing what he orders ect how he is working on losing that 50lbs or if he's working on gaining 50 more lol0 -
Sounds good..right? Okay..so here's the thing. He is overweight. I would guess he could stand to lose at least 50 lbs. Now..I need to lose even more than that...but am working on it!
It isn't that I find him unattractive...it is that I am worried I will find him very attractive and do not want to date or be with someone who is not focused on their health ever again.
Ok, you admit that you need to lose more weight yourself. How long have you been on MFP or been on your healthy journey? How much weight have you lost already? And most importantly, did you tell him any of your struggles with weight/health issues when you met the other day? My point is simply that without getting to know him better (you already like his personality - a lot it sounds like), then you will never know where he is. If you give him a chance, you could find out that he's in a similar place with workouts, diet, etc. Of course this may or may not be true. But how about one date to find out? And then you can't call yourself a hypocrite any longer either.
I'm with the others on this. Life is too short (and nice men who do political badinage are too few!) to waste the opportunity. You don't know that he isn't working on his weight too - he might become your biggest cheerleader and the two of you could potentially become even more successful together than you would be separately. Go on the date if you like him as much as it sounds like you do. If it goes well, go on another. It might take a few to find out where he's at on the weight thing. You can't put your life on hold in the hope/expectation that everything will magically be perfect when you're slim or you reach goal weight. I read an article while I was at the hairdresser's the other day making just this point, and it really stuck with me - she found that she was still essentially the same person, with most of the same issues, just a slim version.
At this stage, the worst that can happen is that you go on a date or two, have some fun, and realise that your goals aren't aligned. Even if he doesn't turn into a romantic interest, you might get a new friend out of it - what's to lose?0 -
I understand where you are coming from. I will not date a guy that has a lazy lifestyle because that's just not my life anymore. Get up and run, go for a hike, play wiffle ball at the park and THEN we can come home and watch TV.
That being said, the guy could be active, you don't know either way yet. So find out. If he's active he can fit in just fine. If not, he's only going to drag you down.
EDIT: Oh, and beware. I met a lot of guys who claimed to be trying to get healthy but hardly ever worked out and ate like crap. I found out after a couple dates but it never interrupted my life so it was worth the gamble.0 -
EDIT: Oh, and beware. I met a lot of guys who claimed to be trying to get healthy but hardly ever worked out and ate like crap. I found out after a couple dates but it never interrupted my life so it was worth the gamble.
True. It won't hurt to get out of the house and find out!! 0 -
How exciting, but yes, with potential problems. I'd go out with him simply so you can figure out what his real situation is without having to assume. Then- make your decision.
I went out with someone over the summer who was probably 40-50 lbs. overweight, but was super appealing, regardless. I asked him out because I wanted to know more about him (not just health choices, but lots of stuff). I didn't want to see him after the one date, but there were a couple of reasons- health just being a part. I'm glad we went out, though.0 -
Well if you know me, you know I'm totally going. Seize the day! Never pass up an opportunity to network, make a new friend or more!
As for me being really into him.. I am enthusiastic about everyone and everything..this is pretty normal for me!
I do appreciate all the responses.. and thank Mike for reminding me to think of myself..and my goals..and to focus on them more. I needed that.0 -
How do you know he's not working on his health too? I mean you just met him right...most people don't in idle chitchat talk about oh yeah as you can see I'm a fattie but I'm working on it.
So I say go..you can find out over dinner by seeing what he orders ect how he is working on losing that 50lbs or if he's working on gaining 50 more lolWho knows? He could've already lost weight. Give him a chance.
This is one of my hang ups. I could see myself on a date. Talk about fitness activities, dieting, losing weight etc etc.
Her: So I have dropped about 10 lbs in the past few months. How much have you lost?
Me:I'm nearing 200 lbs lost.
*crickets*:indifferent:
As for the op, I would be for camp go for it! What if he's already is working on it and already lost a bunch of weight? He could be a a great fitness buddy!0 -
This is one of my hang ups. I could see myself on a date. Talk about fitness activities, dieting, losing weight etc etc.
Her: So I have dropped about 10 lbs in the past few months. How much have you lost?
Me:I'm nearing 200 lbs lost.
*crickets*:indifferent:
As for the op, I would be for camp go for it! What if he's already is working on it and already lost a bunch of weight? He could be a a great fitness buddy!
That's just sad. If someone said that to me, I'd be all over it asking a zillion questions. The poor guy probably wouldn't be able to get me to shut up!! :laugh:
And by the way, WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!! :noway: :drinker: :drinker:0 -
it's 1 date just go and get to know him to see if he is serious about getting healthy0
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Sounds good..right? Okay..so here's the thing. He is overweight. I would guess he could stand to lose at least 50 lbs. Now..I need to lose even more than that...but am working on it!
It isn't that I find him unattractive...it is that I am worried I will find him very attractive and do not want to date or be with someone who is not focused on their health ever again.
I am going to go with Mike for a couple reasons.
The issue currently, isn't a big deal. Meaning if you date this guy and enjoy his company he isn't (or shouldn't) going to affect your weight loss. The thing is though, that if he is the type of personality that, at the end of the day he wants to eat what he wants, and doesn't care about any health factor his situation will get worse as time progresses. He ALSO will be like most people, and if you are losing weight it makes him look bad (cognitive dissonance) and he will attempt to bring you down.
In the short term, this is meaningless. I am confident you guys could have a good time and this issue would be irrelevant.
However if you get attached to someone like this it will take an immense amount of willpower to be able to continue your course.
Also, if you drop even more weight than you have, you may find even your tastes change. What if you decide you do not like his behavior and health and fitness becomes more of an urgent issue. Well now if you are attached to this guy, ending that or moving on may be much more difficult.
On the other hand, he MAY be all about fitness, and as people have said he may jump on board. I don't know I don't know him.
So: In conclusion
- in the short term, it is meaningless, date him and have fun
- realize what you are investing yourself into, and if he is a person who detests health and fitness, seriously
consider the long term (problem is if you are attached, this will be difficult to say the least)
- you don't want to be in a situation where you take care of yourself, but your partner does not0 -
EDIT: Oh, and beware. I met a lot of guys who claimed to be trying to get healthy but hardly ever worked out and ate like crap. I found out after a couple dates but it never interrupted my life so it was worth the gamble.
This is a good point. A couple of my friends, after seeing my new lifestyle (healthier food, exercise), mentioned that they, too, were about to start their own workout program. That was months ago, and they've yet to make any changes. One guy seems fixated on building his perfect home gym. But in the time he's been discussing this (nothing yet purchased, obviously), he could have already gotten into shape.
So why don't you ask him out, but make the first date something quite active. A walk for charity? Or tell him you're training to run a 5k or 10k, or whatever, and you're looking for a partner. Or tell him you're looking for a tennis/squash/gym partner, and you can grab a drink together afterwards. Etc., etc.
--P0
