My life is about me, me, me! It's my time, I'm single, no children and my priority is ME! I do help others, and love friends and family but I love my life right now. I'm sure one day (or think so anyway), I'll have a husband, maybe children that I'll make a priority but not now!
I don't believe it makes me selfish. It's just my life's circumstances at the time.

My life is about me, me, me! It's my time, I'm single, no children and my priority is ME! I do help others, and love friends and family but I love my life right now. I'm sure one day (or think so anyway), I'll have a husband, maybe children that I'll make a priority but not now!
I don't believe it makes me selfish. It's just my life's circumstances at the time.

You took the words out of the mouth.

I think it's all about who/what you have in your life.

Single parents, no. Single people with no kids, yeah, in some ways.

The "you're selfish" comments seem to typically be thrown around by (1) married people and/or (2) people with kids at (1) single people and/or (2) people without kids. It's like the former groups simply cannot stand to see that the latter groups have made different life decisions to that point and want to guilt them into either getting married or having kids. (Oddly enough, the people who have directed these comments at me in the past have generally been people who were not happily married. I'm going "If it makes me selfish to avoid what you are stuck in, then I'm happy to be selfish.")

It's bizarre, because I don't see how simply the act of getting married makes you any less selfish than a single person. I know plenty of married people who are selfish. But then again, I also don't understand how the act of popping out a kid makes you any better than anyone else either, yet a lot of people like to rally around the "but I'm a mother/grandmother" flag as though they've attained some goal that no one else could ever attain.

Certainly societal pressure plays a part -- to get married, have children, etc., and if you never do that or delay it beyond what is "normal," many people will look at you differently. But I don't think for most people being selfish has anything to do with it.

Single people are selfish, without a doubt...and I'm one of them. However, they are only selfish in certain areas of their lives. So are married people with other areas of theirs. It doesn't mean that single people are more/less selfish than others. That's just a bunch of horse hockey to make that guy feel better, which was selfish...HAHAHAHAHA

Why does selfish have to equal bad?

Why does selfish have to equal bad?

Exactly..... the word selfish has a horrible rep attached to it.

My therapist has tried very very very very very hard to get through my thick skull that being selfish is Ok.... if you take time to do something for yourself, or if you tell someone "no" because it's what's best for you at that moment..... It's ok.

The word selfish is what it is and most people assume it is negative. But I also agree with you that doing things for oneself is really beneficial. I just wish we had another word in the English language to express the difference.

Of course I'm selfish..heck I'm single who else is going to look after my own needs and wants and desires at this age? My parents?
If I was part of a couple I would enjoy being less selfish but for now no one else is going to take care of myself but me so sue me!
That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, that doesn't mean I don't do for others and I'm not generous with my friends and family. It just means that for now I look out for my own needs and happiness..and really that will most likely continue in a relationship because I don't think a partner is supposed to make me happy..happier?..yup hopefully!.

Single parents, no. Single people with no kids, yeah, in some ways.

I can't speak for single people with no kids; haven't been one of those since I was 20, and even, then, I wasn't selfish. I can, however, speak as one single parent, and my kids were just saying last night, "Mama, you never do anything for yourself..." My life is centered around helping others, but that's also part of my personality. I'm a giver, a helper. That's part of why I'm such a great teacher. That's inherently who I am. My first husband described me as the most selfless person he knew. Granted, that's not always a good thing. He happened to be VERY selfish, so the two of us together was excellent for him and detrimental to me because no one put my needs first. Also, people with my type of personality have a tendency to be codependent which is not very healthy either. Sometimes, I wish I was more selfish, but I'm learning to be.

Although I will admit that America is very much a hustling society, and there are fewer and fewer checks on the rich and powerful. Certainly not government. Certainly not the law. Religion used to be one, but even the churches jumped on the social Darwinism bandwagon. Now they preach greed is good! Rich people deserve all they have, poor people are lazy losers! Being selfish is very American, perhaps even more Godly now, too.

And so I suppose it should come as no surprise that we want to redefine selfish to be a good thing. No doubt Oprah is preparing a show on it right now.

--P

Many of you wonder why the connotation of "selfish" is negative. The denotation of the word "selfish" states "without regard for others" or "regardless of others":

from dictionary.com:
self·ish   /ˈsɛlfɪʃ/ Show Spelled[sel-fish] Show IPA
adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

From the Merriam Webster online dictionary:
self·ish adjective \ˈsel-fish\
Definition of SELFISH
1: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2: arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others <a selfish act>
3: being an actively replicating repetitive sequence of nucleic acid that serves no known function <selfish DNA>; also : being genetic material solely concerned with its own replication <selfish genes>

I think it was Kitsune who stated that we are all selfish, even when we do something unselfish. I agree with the sentiment of that statement. It does make me feel good to help others, but I am not selfish because I do have regard for others. I do think about their needs.

For example:

Suppose I was in a relationship. My guy's birthday is coming up. I want to throw him a party and invite all of his friends and family over. I want to cook a huge meal and make his favorite dessert (whether it be cake or banana pudding). I want to do all this stuff for him. BUT he is an introvert. He didn't grow up celebrating birthday parties the way I did. He would rather us have a nice quiet evening at home by ourselves. IF I throw him the party all in the name of 'doing it for him", I am being selfish because I have no regard for his feelings or his desires.

What about the man who is a workaholic? He works hard FOR HIS FAMILY. He works long hours. He sometimes works weekends. ALL IN THE NAME OF "I'M DOING IT FOR THE FAMILY, to provide this big house and the fancy car and shopping sprees...." What if his wife and children would be happier, though, if he were to spend more time with them? What if they would be willing to give up the shopping sprees and drive a regular car and live in a smaller house if it meant that he could be home with them more? Is he really working for the family or is he being selfish?

I do agree that doing things for oneself is a good idea, and although I, personally, struggle with the concept that it really isn't selfish to take care of myself, I do not think that someone who looks after his/her own needs is necessarily a selfish person. Moreover, a person who takes care of himself/herself is probably a healthier individual than someone who does not. (ETA: Taking care of my needs will help me to better take care of my children and my students and others. That's why I said that I'm not selfish in doing so.... I still have regard for others, but I also agree that sometimes, for a person's own sanity and health, being selfish can be a good thing. I probably should have been more selfish in my first marriage, to be honest.)

Yes... I'm a word nerd. (is there no nerd smiley??)

When you are an unmarried person without kids and not in a romantic relationships, there is more of a self focus. But I wouldn't call it selfish in the negative connotation sort of way automatically.

Unmarried people not in relationship and without kids usually have friends. Regular friendships have a give and take component. There's a need to consider the needs of your friends in day to day interactions, even in things as simple as getting together to do whatever it is you both enjoy.

Such a ridiculous statement. Selfish people are selfish. It has absolutely nothing to do with one's marital status.

Btw, why are we trying to change the definitions of words? There is a reason the word "selfish" has a bad connotation, after all. Nobody respects a person who is entirely self-focused and cares nothing about the plight of others.

Taking care of myself and meeting my needs does not make me selfish. If I spent my entire life thinking about how to make myself happy and to hell with everyone else, then that would make me selfish. Fortunately, that is not how I roll. I believe that relationships with others (by this I mean all relationships: friends, family, community, colleagues, etc.) are among the most important things to have in this world and should be held precious. In order to have successful relationships, one must think beyond herself (or himself), and do for others. Sometimes it will come back to bite you, but it's a risk that has to be taken. I am single, but that just means that I don't have anyone else with whom I can make important decisions. Being decisive on my own =/= selfish.

interesting thread... there's one "dating guru" out there who says we ladies are more likely to catch a man when we are selfish. She says that part of why the man leaves us, or stays but stops loving us the way we want is because we stop being selfish (focusing on yourself, our happiness, our looks, our desires) and start focusing on his.

I don't agree (I kinda think both partners should care about each other) but I think it's interesting.

of course their assumption is that singles' lives are just 1 big jet setting pool party filled with sexy cabana boys named raoul and sven :laugh:

What, you mean you don't?