The Stigma Of The Never-Married Man
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There is a world outside of big cities though... Keep in mind big cities have a different dynamics, so it might apply in this case.The vast majority of my friends, male and female, are unmarried, and many are very single, in their early 30's. Unless you're highly religious, or from a lower social/educational strata, it's highly atypical (among the professional classes, which I believe you belong to, DM) to marry in your 20's - especially your early 20's - here.
I seem to recall that DM lives in a decent-sized city, and works in a 'professional' occupation - that's why I find his perspective on this so weird! Yes, of course the dynamic differs in smaller communities - that's fairly universal - but a lot of the Americans here, city-dwellers and country folk alike, seem to share DM's perspective on age, which is what leads me to think it must be a cultural difference...
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.0 -
Here, you really do have till at least 35 before this type of thing becomes an issue, unless you are religious. In fact, people who get married under about 28 or so are considered slightly foolish.
Personally, I would prefer to date an older (35+) divorced man than one who hasn't had a long term relationship before. Yes, there can be baggage, but often there is a humbleness, and better knowledge about what it takes to make things work. Plus, this group seems to love me! Lol.
My boyfriend is 31..and never had a relationship longer than a couple months. Thought he would be a bachelor forever.
There will be new things for us to navigate..even the sharing of space and time. He is used to being very independent.0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
I have lived in different regions of the United States. I do not consider myself very Southern at all.
I will say that even the major Texas cities do not seem as progressive socially as New York, though the major Texas cities are more socially progressive than the suburbs of the major cities or the small towns.0 -
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.
Curious where the 2 year mark 'rule' comes from??
And just an FYI, in my personal case, that would have made me 22 and neither of us were ready to get married that young. However, almost 14 years in, we lasted longer than most marriages I'd dare say...0 -
Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
Not sure I would consider Texas the "Southern Culture", like Atlanta and Charlotte. Dallas is very metropolitan and Austin is full of wackos (err.. I mean creative types). All I remember about Dallas is big hair, big cars, and big houses. Everything is just bigger in Dallas.
Houston, San Antonio, and almost ever other part is considered a "minority majority".0 -
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.
Curious where the 2 year mark 'rule' comes from??
And just an FYI, in my personal case, that would have made me 22 and neither of us were ready to get married that young. However, almost 14 years in, we lasted longer than most marriages I'd dare say...
The 2 year mark is from the book "the rules" but I agree with it wholeheartedly. In your situation 22 is young...and there are obvious exceptions to the rule. But if you're a person who is dating and wants to be married and he or she hasn't popped the question or said yes and you've been dating for a while, you need to *kitten* or get off the pot.
Disregard that if you've no intention to ever get married/don't believe in it.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"0
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Have you ever been to Texas? It is DEFINITELY a different culture.
:laugh: Yes, I have, and I do remember that, on all sorts of levels... but I was only 9 or so, so I guess the dating culture wasn't something I noticed! I'd forgotten DM was from Texas, though I seemed to vaguely recall 'Southern' USA...
Not sure I would consider Texas the "Southern Culture", like Atlanta and Charlotte. Dallas is very metropolitan and Austin is full of wackos (err.. I mean creative types). All I remember about Dallas is big hair, big cars, and big houses. Everything is just bigger in Dallas.
Houston, San Antonio, and almost ever other part is considered a "minority majority".
Charlotte is a transplant city and most people are from NY or the midwest. Charlotte is the fastest growing city in the US. I think I have 2 friends that even would call Charlotte their home town. If you go outside of Charlotte you get the old school southern beliefs. Atlanta and Dallas would be on the same scale as they are very metropolitan but both can have strong "Southern Belle/ Gentleman" cultures within certian circles.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
He is a marine. I think that nails it down why he is 40 and never married.0 -
Gotta agree regarding the 2 year mark.I think around the 2 year anniversary is the *kitten* or Get Off the Pot" time in a relationship, if both partners have turned 25. Women should not allow a man to string them along during the peak attractiveness years. It's about being assertive and letting it be known what you want. Likewise, I think it also behooves men to use the 2 year mark as a time to think long and hard about whether this is the right person. 2 years is a big enough sample size.
You should know within at least two years of dating if you want to marry that person. And if you're not absolutely sure, they aren't the one. If you want to get married, don't let that person string you along.
Curious where the 2 year mark 'rule' comes from??
And just an FYI, in my personal case, that would have made me 22 and neither of us were ready to get married that young. However, almost 14 years in, we lasted longer than most marriages I'd dare say...
The 2 year mark is from the book "the rules" but I agree with it wholeheartedly. In your situation 22 is young...and there are obvious exceptions to the rule. But if you're a person who is dating and wants to be married and he or she hasn't popped the question or said yes and you've been dating for a while, you need to *kitten* or get off the pot.
Disregard that if you've no intention to ever get married/don't believe in it.
The original "Rules" book came out in 1995. I bet some of it would seem outdated today. My take on "The Rules" is that there is some merit to it, but much of it does not have merit. The 2 year mark is something that I think has validity, and a lot of people used the 2-3 year guidepost long before "The Rules"
I tempered my 2 year remark if both partners were 25. But even before 25, there's still validity to that remark. The idea of a definitive long term commitment instead of uncertainty and vagueness has value. There is no substitute for the stability of a long term relationship. It is good to know that in 5, 10 years (barring a catastrophic event) that person is going to be around and you can build around them.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
He is a marine. I think that nails it down why he is 40 and never married.
While I totally get what you are saying, and yes that is part of why he is single .. but not all of it. My sister was making that statement as a general rule of thumb.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
I considered it a "pink" flag in the past, but have slowly started to change my tune as I've gotten older and my dating pool has gotten older. Sometimes life events just work out that way. My current boyfriend is 46, never been married, and no kids, and there is nothing wrong with him. His life just took some twists and turns and he never ended up getting married. It's become so much more common that it really shouldn't be any kind of "flag" anymore, in my opinion. I couldn't believe how many people at my 20 year reunion in October had never married or had kids. I think some people just aren't in any rush.0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
so what WAS wrong with the marine afterall?0 -
The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
so what WAS wrong with the marine afterall?
There were a few things actually .. lol .. The marine thing to begin with he is a recruiter now and works like 10-12 hours a day. Personal thing was he was engaged to his high school sweetheart when he first joined the Marines and got sent to Afghanistan for his first tour and she called off the wedding in a letter to him overseas. He was really hurt by that and just kinda dove head first into the military. Is still very leery of getting too serious with someone. I decided it wasn't worth the battle to get inside.0 -
I think there probably are reasons to be cautious with anyone who is unmarried or at least hasn't had a significant relationship by a certain age but for the most part there is reason to be cautious around anyone you are thinking about letting have a significant role in your life. It is one thing to investigate what it is about the person that made their circumstances what they are. For me, I was 170 lbs heavier than I am now and I did not attract women to whom I was attracted so I did not date. Carl has mentioned that he cared for his parents in a rural area where there weren't many options. Other people buried themselves in their jobs and amassed financial security. These all seem to be reasonable reasons to have never been married that do not indicate commitment issues. On the other hand, it provides a signal that there may be a problem. It is one thing to be a signal that things need to be investigated further. It is entirely different to summarily dismiss someone because they weren't married by age XX.
I'll note that my best recent relationship happened to be with a 44 year-old never-married woman. We went out for a little over a year. She was honest, I never had any issues with her character or commitment to me or the relationship. She had very little baggage and we generally got along. We just had different interests and goals out of life. She is still a friend. I've dated three women who were all divorced and after about 6-8 weeks each of them bailed. The reason in each case was that she didn't feel ready to be in another relationship. So who knows.0 -
I am not in the military but working in IT for the Navy DoD I hear stories from people in the Navy like this all the time. Getting deployed, wife/gf gets lonely, letters etc etc.The marine I was dating is 40 and single and I was telling my sister about him and she said "Jennifer, if they are 40 and never been married .. there is something wrong with him. there is a reason for it. You need to find it"
so what WAS wrong with the marine afterall?
There were a few things actually .. lol .. The marine thing to begin with he is a recruiter now and works like 10-12 hours a day. Personal thing was he was engaged to his high school sweetheart when he first joined the Marines and got sent to Afghanistan for his first tour and she called off the wedding in a letter to him overseas. He was really hurt by that and just kinda dove head first into the military. Is still very leery of getting too serious with someone. I decided it wasn't worth the battle to get inside.0 -
For me it probably raises more red flags when someone is divorced than when they're single. But I don't judge people like that.0
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For me it probably raises more red flags when someone is divorced than when they're single. But I don't judge people like that.
I agree with this actually, I like to know why someone got divorced and what their relationship is like with their ex.0 -
I think there probably are reasons to be cautious with anyone who is unmarried or at least hasn't had a significant relationship by a certain age ...
This ^^
I agree with this actually, I like to know why someone got divorced and what their relationship is like with their ex.For me it probably raises more red flags when someone is divorced than when they're single. But I don't judge people like that.
And this ^^^0 -
I think there probably are reasons to be cautious with anyone who is unmarried or at least hasn't had a significant relationship by a certain age ...
This ^^
I agree with this actually, I like to know why someone got divorced and what their relationship is like with their ex.For me it probably raises more red flags when someone is divorced than when they're single. But I don't judge people like that.
And this ^^^
Haha, so basically, be aware either way so that you know what you are getting into? THAT sounds like dating advice I can get behind!0 -
As someone said, it's different in most major cities. I'm in DC, 32, and several men in their 40s haven't married before. Careers tend to get in the way.
I still believe women over 30 and never married, no kids, have it worse than men over 35 or 40 in the same boat.0 -
I think there probably are reasons to be cautious with anyone who is unmarried or at least hasn't had a significant relationship by a certain age ...
This ^^
I agree with this actually, I like to know why someone got divorced and what their relationship is like with their ex.For me it probably raises more red flags when someone is divorced than when they're single. But I don't judge people like that.
And this ^^^
Haha, so basically, be aware either way so that you know what you are getting into? THAT sounds like dating advice I can get behind!
Yup, CYA dating!! :drinker:0 -
I snort laughed at the "pink flag" .. lol0
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I snort laughed at the "pink flag" .. lol
For some reason my mind went straight to "Vagina". Because clearly I am an adult.0
