I didn't want to bring it up before because I didn't feel there was an appropriate audience and as it is very close to my heart it could have gotten ugly. Now I think it's more safe.........

I can't imagine who you could be talking about Kits...........:laugh:

I understand that with our current society - at least in the U.S. it appears people are more willing to accept alternative sexual orientations and lifestyles. While I have heard of bi-sexual and asexuals I haven't heard of pan sexual- don't know how that is different from Bi-sexual.
I'm wondering if people find themselves asexual if their only sexual experiences have been wholly unsatisfying. I cannot imaging never having the desire for sexual contact, and am truly surprised when I hear friends talk about having to give sex to their partners rather than wanting that contact. I never thought of sex / sexuality in terms of purely procreation - in fact that is usually the last thing on my mind other that wanting to ensure prevention of pregnancy.

I also believe more "traditional" sexuality will always be the norm, and things like multiple wives will never gain acceptance.

Kits, I'm curious about the connection you make with less need for procreation. I get what you're saying, but I' m not sure I want to think that that kind of evolution happens so quickly? Not sure.

I've never met anyone who identified as asexual, but I wonder if there is any related biological evidence? Sexuality is so complicated, would be possible to tease out lack of physical impulse from any emotions that might shut it down?

Experiences with pan-sexuality: While I'm not in any way religious, I worked for a church for 12 years that embraced this idea (didn't promote it, but made it clear that sexuality didn't need to be a this or that) They were the second church in the country with an out minister (in '86). Through the early 90's (when I started) they were getting picketed and it was insanity. Now, it's super gentrified and the transsexuals and other non-hetero normative folks have disappeared because of all the liberal families that smothered them wanting to be "friends." It got exploitative, so I quit. I think in some circles this identity is probably pretty trendy, and not authentic. So, I accept the idea for sure, and wouldn't want to stop people from exploring their desires, but just like every college girl at a liberal arts school is "a lesbian " her sophomore year, I think probably very few people do/could really identify as pan-sexual.

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I'm wondering if people find themselves asexual if their only sexual experiences have been wholly unsatisfying.

I imagine if you aren't interested in sex, it wouldn't be very satisfying, would it?

The thought I was trying to present is that it might be unsatisfying sex that would lead to non-interest, rather than non-interest in and of itself. Just one hypothesis.

I also believe more "traditional" sexuality will always be the norm, and things like multiple wives will never gain acceptance.

Why do you believe that? You say it and it smacks of the same kind of closed mindedness that assured everyone same sex marriage is a sin that will never come to pass and yet more and more states are finally giving same sex couples the rights to enter into contracts that bind them to each other. So without any reasoning other than you claiming that you don't get it, I'm forced to assume you don't have any.

There are a lot of lovely people that live differently without every having sex, or even within healthy, loving, polyamorous relationships. Who would ever want to say that alternative lifestyles will never gain acceptance when all we have to do is accept it within ourselves?

I really don't appreciate being called closed minded. Again, my point is while you may support / believe that someone is not open to alternative lifestyles by suggesting that they won't gain acceptance in our society doesn't mean that I personally would not support someone who practices that lifestyle. I'm not closed minded, nor am I naive enough to think that all the support I might offer to someone living an "alternative lifestyles' is going to change the minds to the majority of people in our society. I fully support gay marriage, but have yet to come to terms with ALL alternative lifestyles currently being practices. It doesn't mean I'm close minded, I just don't know enough about them to make that informed decision.

It's an interesting question, Kits. I know a large number of people in my industry who identify as bi-sexual - some who swing further toward hetero- or homo-sexual, and others who sit bang in the middle of the spectrum. Some of the latter may qualify as pansexual, though it's not a term I've heard used much here, and I suspect is fairly rare, as per your description. I'm not sure what their various feelings on transgender partners would be, for example. I am inclined to think that most people generally prefer absolutes, at least in some areas of their lives, so I would be surprised to find a large number of pansexuals at any point in our history or future, unforeseen events notwithstanding!

Asexuality on the other hand, I'm quite aware of. The other side of the coin in my business, which is predominantly quite laissez-faire in its' attitudes towards sex; I also know a number of people who are explicitly, or in some cases, probably, asexual - they simply aren't interested in sexual contact with another person. I even looked into the state at one stage in my deeply-insecure mid-teen years, and quickly concluded that I didn't fit the diagnosis, as I am most certainly interested in sex, just picky about the conditions and partner!

I suspect we will see an increase in people identifying as Asexual as non-hetero-normative identities become more widely accepted, though I do wonder if some of this increase will come from people like me who find the overt sexualisation that is prevalent in our culture distasteful, and therefore assume there must be something 'wrong' with them (not that asexuality is wrong in any way, but one is often made to feel prudish and 'wrong' for being more private/conservative about sex than is currently popular), and adopt the identity of the label without really knowing what it means or implies, rather than true asexuals.

I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.

I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.

Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.

I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:

I suspect we will see an increase in people identifying as Asexual as non-hetero-normative identities become more widely accepted, though I do wonder if some of this increase will come from people like me who find the overt sexualisation that is prevalent in our culture distasteful, and therefore assume there must be something 'wrong' with them (not that asexuality is wrong in any way, but one is often made to feel prudish and 'wrong' for being more private/conservative about sex than is currently popular), and adopt the identity of the label without really knowing what it means or implies, rather than true asexuals.

There's nothing 'wrong' with you hun. I think every young maiden wants their first time to be perfect - in love, in the confines of a committed relationship, romantic setting, etc. (Mine certainly was The fact that sex is more overt these days is really nothing but a symptom of internet, porn and societal acceptance that we are sexual creatures. This has very little to do with romance and relationships! I dont see that expectations have changed in that respect. Your first time should be special. It just gets less special the more you times you do it!!! lol

ETA: That last sentence was tongue in cheek. If you're in a special relationship then sex is always special :flowerforyou:

I am borderline asexual. I am a virgin and in my mid 30s. The thing is I am fine with *kitten* but have an anxiety when it comes to getting close to other people. I don't know if it is the expectation of sex at early stages in most relationships that usually puts me off from having one or what. I haven't really delved into this part of my psyche.

Good point. Do asexual peeps *kitten*?? I doubt it!! The way I read it, there is NO sexual desire there.

I'd say your anxiety plays the bigger role...........but obviously I am no expert and you would need to discuss with Lorro!! :flowerforyou:

I would agree. This is exactly what I was talking about - everyone's requirements of the match up between emotional/intellectual and physical intimacy are different. For those like MM, and myself, whose instincts on this subject are out of step with current cultural expectations, that poses a difficulty. Based on what I know of asexuality, given that MM said not that she was 'uninterested' in physical contact with someone else, but rather 'anxious' about it, I wouldn't say that matched an 'asexual' label, though I know it can feel as though one might be when faced with an overwhelmingly-sexualised world that one somehow doesn't quite fit into! :flowerforyou:

I agree.

I am a very sexual person with myself but I think I have a lot of body issues that lead me to be anxious and scared of sex with a guy...I have too many issues with myself and I would not, at this point, feel comfortable being naked around a man I found attractive.