Should I ask him out?
Replies
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DA thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
Did you read that in a women's magazine?
No I actually read alot of relationship books post break up with my kids dad and ones written for both men and women say the same thing. Let the man chase you so you know he is interested.0 -
A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?
Of course not and that's not really what I was asking.
Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
It's too early in the morning for me lol but this is more what I meant.
Obviously if you felt he just hunted and never claimed the prize at some point you would get frustrated and move on. Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.0 -
Ladies,A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??It is literally where you want to draw it. Obviously bad: the case where you or him keep chasing.
I suppose there is some pleasure in "hunting" for a prize, but think about this: do you really want to be with someone who likes to "hunt" more than he likes to obtain the prize?
Of course not and that's not really what I was asking.
Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
It's too early in the morning for me lol but this is more what I meant.
Obviously if you felt he just hunted and never claimed the prize at some point you would get frustrated and move on. Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.
I don't know why you keep dwelling on who chases who. It's not a competition, it's not a game, it's just two people getting to know each other. Bottom line is if we really like you it won't really matter who initiates, we'll just be happy to spend time with you. But we also don't want to come on too strong and scare you away, so when you help us out a little it is appreciated.
It might be true that SOME guys like the chase. But what happens when they catch you? Think about it. They'll probably get bored and move on, you can't play hard to get forever. Is that the kind of guy you really want?0 -
The line is where you want to draw it. It's in the eye of the beholder.Do you really want a women who after date 1 is so into sending texts, calling, and asking continually for the next dates? Wouldn't you want her to be care free, loving life and you have to work for her a bit? Ie she isn't throwing herself at you because she isn't desperate/needy and is independent in her life. So us women who aren't needy nor dependent take this approach- maybe because that is just us and our lifestyle or maybe because we are old fashioned - but I guess at some point men want us to take initiative. But when?
Where is the line between to eager and to independent?
The thing is this: if you NEED someone to contact you 5 times a day and speak to you on the phone for 1 hour every day, then you are going to look needy and clingy to someone more independent. But I know a guy who got upset if his date (!) didn't reply within 1-2 hours of him sending a message. He found himself a woman who doesn't mind that (that would annoy me, I'm definitely more independent). They're getting married.
Now if you are asking what is the "optimal level of clinginess" in order to interest a specific type of guy (which type?) or the "average level of clinginess" that most men like, then I could reply to you (maybe).
I guess what is more important to know is what "level of clinginess" you are ready to get or not get from a guy.
Or to be even clearer:
- If the guy is upset and dump you (or is resentful) because you chased (and you felt it was important for you to chase), then clearly he wasn't the right guy for you, was he?
- If you are resentful and dump the guy because he didn't chase enough (and you felt it was important for you that he chased), then clearly he wasn't the right guy for you, was he?
- If you don't mind either way and you feel it is not important who chases who, then why are we even having this conversation?
Sprinkle some "+/- 30%" of tolerance on there and you get yourself a nice working relationship. Simple.
Exactly my point. You need to see how much you are ready to chase the guy and how much you are ready to compromise on that. Then you can even discuss it if things aren't going as you would like to (within reason).Like that guy I dated. I had to initiate everything - dates and texts - and 50% of dates he wouldn't even commit too. Such resentment that built after 9 months. But he had a gambling addiction I later found out.
Otherwise... Resentment. Also you will find that you are less ready to compromise on things though if other areas of your relationship are rotting as well.0 -
A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
This is not the right question to ask. There is no brightline about what is acceptable and what is not because it varies not only on the individual's preference, but your compatibility with them.
Think about it. If you weren't interested in a guy, you might get annoyed when he sends you even one text. If you were, that one text would be like drinking water in a desert.
The rest of what I want to say, Flim said very nicely. Pretend I quoted him here cause it was awesome.
But to close up my point - what you need to do is define for yourself what you want out of a relationship, and find someone that has a line pretty close to where YOURS is and find a happy compromise.0 -
I've never understood the need to let the guy initiate everything. My sister plays this game and it drives me crazy. Text him ,if hes busy big woop. Ask him to do something ,,, I may not be the date girl but I'm the queen of the hang out. I'm always asking guys if they wanna come hang out lol....Believe me if he isn't interested its better to find out now so you can move on rather then waiting around staring at your phone......0
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A thought -- I read so much how men like to chase women, to court them. So where is the line??
This is not the right question to ask. There is no brightline about what is acceptable and what is not because it varies not only on the individual's preference, but your compatibility with them.
Think about it. If you weren't interested in a guy, you might get annoyed when he sends you even one text. If you were, that one text would be like drinking water in a desert.
The rest of what I want to say, Flim said very nicely. Pretend I quoted him here cause it was awesome.
But to close up my point - what you need to do is define for yourself what you want out of a relationship, and find someone that has a line pretty close to where YOURS is and find a happy compromise.
I actually agree with what you, film, and Roadie have to say.
I was just asking the question, becuase there seems to be so much question around all of this - different people, different sexes, and different 'experts' It's nice to get a male perspective for a change! And the male perspective I got, was not even close to what I expected and was a good 'eye opener' per se.
I know where my line is. I know what I am looking for, and I have yet to find that happy balance. I either have someone laying on too much pressure or not near enough, I haven't found my happy medium. What I am learning is that you can never peg a person either - I learn something new with each person I meet, noone is cookie cutter in the least. So I agree, it's all in what I am comfortable with, and how well I know myself and going with the flow. Whatever is meant to be, will be.0 -
The line is where you want to draw it. It's in the eye of the beholder.
The thing is this: if you NEED someone to contact you 5 times a day and speak to you on the phone for 1 hour every day, then you are going to look needy and clingy to someone more independent. But I know a guy who got upset if his date (!) didn't reply within 1-2 hours of him sending a message. He found himself a woman who doesn't mind that (that would annoy me, I'm definitely more independent). They're getting married.
It's definately finding the balance. I in no way replicate either situations listed above.
Really makes you think about what is ok for you and what is not.0 -
Wow this is a great discussion, thank you for your feedback everyone!
What is interesting (in this thread and in real life) is that men are always saying the chase doesn't matter, women can/should pursue, and women are often the ones saying he isn't interested, leave him alone. All my life I've listened to the women LOL, maybe I should start listening to the men!
I have never been in a situation where I initiated (because I just refused to do it) but I think many of you are right, there is a balance. When I initiate, he is really into it and responsive, so I think thats a good balance (for now anyway
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Update - he asked what I was doing this weekend so I told him my plans and suggested wineries, he said he is out of town visiting his family this weekend, then flying out of the country on sunday for work. Said he would much rather stay here, I suggested a raincheck for wineries and he said "yes please". His texts were sweet and nice, so I think this is good! 0 -
Oh and yes, I'm not at all saying chemistry is the be-all-end-all - we DO have amazing chemistry, but also he is perfect (for me) on paper, we have a lot in common, can talk endlessly, etc. It is very rare that I find both (commonalities + chemistry) in someone - the last time that happened was almost 2 years ago, so that is why I don't want to just let this one go just because he didn't initiate contact. So far, he/our interaction is worth it for me to step out of my comfort zone a little.0
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Update - he asked what I was doing this weekend so I told him my plans and suggested wineries, he said he is out of town visiting his family this weekend, then flying out of the country on sunday for work. Said he would much rather stay here, I suggested a raincheck for wineries and he said "yes please". His texts were sweet and nice, so I think this is good!
I've had way better luck and way less heartache when I've let the guy pursue, but I'm not completely against reaching out with a text message. Knowing me, I probably wouldn't have reached out to him, but I think it's fine that you did.
But now your update makes me wonder if he was planning on contacting you at all. (In my experience, guys who are interested do contact. Guys who are lukewarm are a lot more casual about the timing of it.) He was going out of town for the weekend, then traveling out of the country -- was he going to touch base with you at all? In the early stages of dating it is important to keep that momentum going. And it sounds like he hasn't nailed down a new date with you to do the wineries, just a vague raincheck. Did he mention whether he will be in contact with you while he is out of town?0 -
Update - he asked what I was doing this weekend so I told him my plans and suggested wineries, he said he is out of town visiting his family this weekend, then flying out of the country on sunday for work. Said he would much rather stay here, I suggested a raincheck for wineries and he said "yes please". His texts were sweet and nice, so I think this is good!
I've had way better luck and way less heartache when I've let the guy pursue, but I'm not completely against reaching out with a text message. Knowing me, I probably wouldn't have reached out to him, but I think it's fine that you did.
But now your update makes me wonder if he was planning on contacting you at all. (In my experience, guys who are interested do contact. Guys who are lukewarm are a lot more casual about the timing of it.) He was going out of town for the weekend, then traveling out of the country -- was he going to touch base with you at all? In the early stages of dating it is important to keep that momentum going. And it sounds like he hasn't nailed down a new date with you to do the wineries, just a vague raincheck. Did he mention whether he will be in contact with you while he is out of town?
Well as I said, I've never really initiated before (like ever, with anyone), so I'm trying something different. It hasn't worked the other way either so I'm trying this. If he wasn't planning to contact me it sucks, but that is kind of why I contacted him, because he hadn't yet. If he is lukewarm, that sucks, but fine - I'll get him hot.
I'm just trying to stay positive about it, and no it didn't even cross my mind that he would be in touch, i told him to have a nice trip - he is going to be out of the country for work so I really wouldnt' expect that after just 2 dates. He is going to be gone for over a week so I wouldn't nail down a date at this point either, I'm hoping we will touch base when he gets back.0 -
Ladies,
I don't know why you keep dwelling on who chases who. It's not a competition, it's not a game, it's just two people getting to know each other. Bottom line is if we really like you it won't really matter who initiates, we'll just be happy to spend time with you. But we also don't want to come on too strong and scare you away, so when you help us out a little it is appreciated.
It might be true that SOME guys like the chase. But what happens when they catch you? Think about it. They'll probably get bored and move on, you can't play hard to get forever. Is that the kind of guy you really want?
I'm with the guys on this one funnily enough!! Time after time women ask this same question, and time after time the guys say they like, no, LOVE, women to initiate!!
I really dont know who this guy is who 'loves the chase'?? :huh:
Yes, there is a point when a guy might lose interest. But women lose interest too. It's kinda obvious when that happens cos you dont get replies!! And everybody poofs!!
So while the chemistry is good and the chat is flowing and the expectations are low and you're getting to know each other, just chill out and enjoy the moment.0 -
Well as I said, I've never really initiated before (like ever, with anyone), so I'm trying something different. It hasn't worked the other way either so I'm trying this. If he wasn't planning to contact me it sucks, but that is kind of why I contacted him, because he hadn't yet. If he is lukewarm, that sucks, but fine - I'll get him hot.
I'm just trying to stay positive about it, and no it didn't even cross my mind that he would be in touch, i told him to have a nice trip - he is going to be out of the country for work so I really wouldnt' expect that after just 2 dates. He is going to be gone for over a week so I wouldn't nail down a date at this point either, I'm hoping we will touch base when he gets back.
The thing is, you've had 2 dates. Men dont fall in love after 2 dates!! Or very rarely. So, accept that he's luke warm and stop worrying about it. The idea is just to get to know each other and see if it gets warmer!! Yes, get him hot!!! lol :bigsmile:0 -
And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO0 -
I totally agree with the "go for what you want" advice. Of course if you end up always doing all the work then you need to reassess but you are not at that point that you can say that is happening yet. Also it seems in the contact you have had, he has taken the initiative to arrange the dates. That sounds like he is making an effort to me.
It is actually a beautiful thing to be someone that is willing to be both brave and vulnerable.
A very beautiful thing Danielle I love the way you often add depth to these discussions with observations that I sense are from your personal experience. I see both (bravery and vulnerability) in you. It's also a beautiful thing to see it in others and oneself :flowerforyou:
Sai79, I can't tell you how important this life lesson has been to me and everyone I know who learns it the hard way. Vulnerability does not always equal weakness if you have the courage to feel the fear and move beyond it. It can make you stronger. The world is a scary place in which people hurt each other. The world is a beautiful place in which we can find people who give meaning to our lives through the connections we make with them. Learning to accept and live with this basic contradiction that reality presents us with is sometimes difficult but well worth it in the long run.0 -
And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:0 -
And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:
My mind actually went here, because I am clearly a mature adult.
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And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:
My mind actually went here, because I am clearly a mature adult.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Yes, there is a point when a guy might lose interest. But women lose interest too. It's kinda obvious when that happens cos you dont get replies!! And everybody poofs!!
I don't necessarily agree with this. I know I will end things/contact if I am not interested (I don't poof) but I know men who will still talk to you if you initiate. Mind you, they may/probably would be slack to see you. So I think you really need to be aware of far more than him just talking to you.... Will this talking lead to him seeing you too, etc. what are his intentions and such.
I agree. Although I have my dating rules ( I won't make first contact after the first date) I just wanna relax and enjoy. Way too much pressure and expectation comes with the online dating ( this is what I use) and I have totally decided to change my approachSo while the chemistry is good and the chat is flowing and the expectations are low and you're getting to know each other, just chill out and enjoy the moment.0 -
Danced with a single guy at the wedding last night. We texted some too. I plan to initiate this to be honest. Will send a text later today to see how he is feeling and ...... We will see what happens 0
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And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:
My mind actually went here, because I am clearly a mature adult.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I graduated from the same high school as Michael Stipes. My high school girlfriend's mom was one of his art teachers and has several poems and lyrics he wrote. You guys just ruined my interest in any of that.0 -
And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:
My mind actually went here, because I am clearly a mature adult.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I graduated from the same high school as Michael Stipes. My high school girlfriend's mom was one of his art teachers and has several poems and lyrics he wrote. You guys just ruined my interest in any of that.
You're welcome :bigsmile: So is that you in the corner losing your brown pigeon?0 -
A very beautiful thing Danielle I love the way you often add depth to these discussions with observations that I sense are from your personal experience. I see both (bravery and vulnerability) in you. It's also a beautiful thing to see it in others and oneself
What a simply lovely and flattering comment from someone I like and admire very much. 0 -
And everybody poofs!!
ROTFLMFAO
I now have that REM song (Everybody Poofs) going on on my head :laugh:
My mind actually went here, because I am clearly a mature adult.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
I graduated from the same high school as Michael Stipes. My high school girlfriend's mom was one of his art teachers and has several poems and lyrics he wrote. You guys just ruined my interest in any of that.
You're welcome :bigsmile: So is that you in the corner losing your brown pigeon?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA0 -
sooo what happened? did u guys go out or not?0
