After three fabulous sugar-free months today I cracked and ate chocolate - a LOT of chocolate.

I'm really sorry I did it. Because it hasn't made me feel ANY better, happier, or any other positive feeling.

There was a reason. Things have just been getting on top of me for the past few days. I have been suffering for a whole year now with some lung/chest/respiratory/sinus/virus/bacterial gawd knows what problems. I've had paramedics called to me five times in the space of a few months because I have been struggling to breathe. I've been in the resus room with cardiac arrhythmia, terrified that I was about to die. I've been tormented by sleep apnoea, a constantly running nose, sneezing fits, coughing fits, post-nasal drip, wheezing fits and blood-glucose crashes. I have seen eight doctors and got almost as many different diagnoses, had four courses of antibiotics. I have had no sense of taste or smell for the past two weeks and because of this when something was burning on the stove yesterday I was blissfully unaware till the fire alarm went off. Could not smell anything!

I suffered an acute allergic reaction to a RX Wednesday night and paramedics were called again. My face came out in a rash and puffed up so bad my eyelids covered my eyes, my chest tightened and my windpipe closed and I nearly fainted through lack of breath - it was utterly terrifying!

Also, I have been plagued by the most awful fatigue that has just dragged me down and prevented me from doing my planned fitness regime and caused me to cancel my induction at the gym. I've only left the house twice in the last 14 days, and only once been to the pool.

My ex partner would have helped me with all this, but since he left in November 2011 I've really struggled, being so ill for so long without having anyone to look after me. And being ill reminds me of how much I miss him. I've wept buckets about him these last few weeks. Yesterday was the anniversary of my previous partner's tragic death at a young age, so that is always a bad day for me.

I had a new lodger move in yesterday and I could not do my job properly; I had to rely on another lodger to look after her, get her bedding ready and show her around. I literally did not have the energy to even go up the stairs let alone help her get all her belongings up two long flights of stairs. I feel really bad about not looking after her or making her feel welcome. This is my job, my living, and not being able to do it really makes me feel inadequate and miserable.

Then a guy off here started posting nasty comments about my weight and my general ugliness on my Photobucket pages.

And this afternoon the whole bally lot just kinda got on top of me, and for some STUPID reason I got this ridiculous notion in my thick head that a big chocolate binge would make me feel better. Not just one bar, but a family bag of one type, a bar of another, and a creme egg. The sugar load is horrific.

And now I know that I am going to have to PAY for this stupid action. I know that tomorrow at least, and maybe for a few days, I will have sugar cravings, I will be out of ketosis, I might even gain a few pounds and NO WAY was the brief and fleeting "pleasure" of eating chocolate worth the amount of damage that I have done to myself.

I even feel a bit "dirty". My body was sugar free for all these weeks, and now I've tainted it! Yesterday I was able to hold my head high and say "I haven't eaten sugar this year" and now I cannot say that any more. I was so very proud of myself that, EVEN THOUGH I was SO ill and miserable and anxious about my health I always stood firm against turning to carbs the way I always have. And now I just feel bloody ashamed and disgusted and really disappointed that I have let myself down so badly.

The only saving grace is, tomorrow is another day, a new day, and another chance to start again from Day One.