Societal Pressure
TheKitsune6
Posts: 5,798 Member
Okay, I see a lot of comments from people about how they feel pressured to not be single. Whether it's their mom that is pushing for grandkids, or if they show up at a party alone and people ask if they're seeing someone...
The thing that perplexes me if I have never encountered anything like this. I'm wondering how much of it is a construct of our minds - we are expecting other people to not accept that we are single, therefore are we make more of scenarios in order to feel victimized? I know I've gone to places and come across family that I haven't seen in a while that ask "So are you seeing anyone?" and I say "No, I'm focusing on school, but I just got a dog and blah blah blah" and not once have I gotten a vibe that they're disapproving or anything other than politely curious.
I'm sure there are instances where some old g-ma is grumpy about it but why care - people like that are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. If we don't accept those standards anymore then who cares if they disapprove?
The thing that perplexes me if I have never encountered anything like this. I'm wondering how much of it is a construct of our minds - we are expecting other people to not accept that we are single, therefore are we make more of scenarios in order to feel victimized? I know I've gone to places and come across family that I haven't seen in a while that ask "So are you seeing anyone?" and I say "No, I'm focusing on school, but I just got a dog and blah blah blah" and not once have I gotten a vibe that they're disapproving or anything other than politely curious.
I'm sure there are instances where some old g-ma is grumpy about it but why care - people like that are from a time when women didn't work and got married right out of highschool. If we don't accept those standards anymore then who cares if they disapprove?
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I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.0
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I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.
I'm wondering if it's a cultural reason I've never experienced it, or if I'm just THAT oblivious to it?0 -
I like being single and never have received any pressure. Although I'm sure it's something women get more than men because of the biological clock.
I'm wondering if it's a cultural reason I've never experienced it, or if I'm just THAT oblivious to it?
depends on how traditional your family is0 -
I think it is definitely an internal construct, but I think as people get older (into their mid-30's), it starts to perplex others who feel that everyone should be sorted and settled by that age.0
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I don't seem to get a lot of pressure from family or friends at all about being single, but then I am fairly new on the singles' scene after being married for 11 years and that ended badly. Actually most everyone is encouraging me to take my time and enjoy being single for awhile before I even really jump into the dating scene whole heartedly.0
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Yes.I think it is definitely an internal construct, but I think as people get older (into their mid-30's), it starts to perplex others who feel that everyone should be sorted and settled by that age.
I check the age of posters a lot. I think these days, when you are below 30 y.o., your situation is to be expected (i.e. people not pissing you off).
And yes, it depends of the family and level of religiousness as well I s'pose.0 -
I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.
I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.
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On first thought I don't necessarily feel intentional pressure from people but it is noticeable when everyone around you starts settling down, getting married, buying houses and having kids. My social circle revolves a lot around my rugby club, which I now run the bar for and live above, whereas most of the people my age within the team are socialising less and having kids plus all the above. I then find myself socialising with the younger age groups but half of them are settling down as well.
Thinking about it further at times there has been some pressure though. My ex and I were very definitely pushed towards each other by other members of the club, not that we didn't like each other, but people's attitude seemed to be, we were both single and got on well so should get together irrelevant of our opinion on the matter. Thankfully they have accepted to an extent now that I do have genuine female friends so not to keep trying always to start something.0 -
I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.
I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.
I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:0 -
I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:
^^This definitely....still applies in the forty-something range as well.
Never receive "pressure", but that question is asked quite often. Sometimes relentlessly by certain family members..lol0 -
The only time I get the pressure is when I am with an older generation like my grandparents age. Most people under the age of 60 just will ask if I am dating someone and if I say no they will let it go.0
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I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.
I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.
I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out.
so true0 -
I enjoy my single-ness and don't feel pressure to be coupled either. I have been divorced officially for 4 years now and think that in that time, I've put more pressure on myself than any other person has. This has more to do with the kids than any event, though.
I've enjoyed Christmas parties, weddings, church, etc. without having a man with me. Never once did anyone make a snide comment. Even the older ladies at church, who I was sure would burn me at the stake, have only made the comment of "you are a great mom, keep it up". Yes, I've had a few ask if I'd found "the one" yet. I tell them that I'm still looking, they smile politely and continue on their way. It's nothing rude, nothing awkward. And, to be honest, some of those ladies know some hot men...so, I'll network all I can.
I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:
I agree to an extent. But, I do hear the same comments. I think sometimes it's in how we perceive the comments as well.
The elderly expects us to be married off. I have heard a couple bitter comments, but I let them roll off because that is their generation. I work with a lot of elderly at church and do hear the comments, but not in a "what's wrong with you" but a "why hasn't he found you" tone.
I've also met some great men that have made the same comment in they think I'm great, so why haven't I been swept off my feet yet. I just tell them that it's going to take more than a broom to win me over. I don't take it as an insult, but a compliment... I think it's just a mindset of people. You meet someone that you perceive to be great and you want to know why someone else hasn't been able to win them over yet (and why you are worthy of their time).0 -
I think it has to do with age and the group of people you spend time with. I never get any sort of grief about not being in a relationship from the professionals I am around, but the stay at home moms and their husbands at my church are always trying to figure out why I am happily single. It only gets annoying when they ask if I've ever considered marrying so and so, because obviously the only happy people are the ones who are married and having babies...what?0
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I used to get pressure from my mom, just because I think all moms want to see their kids happy, and they usually think you won't be truly happy until you are settled with someone. But she and I have discussed it, and she realizes now that I would genuinely rather be single than marry a guy who looks great on paper but who I don't really love.
My dad just pressures me about having kids because he thinks it's crazy to have kids after the age of 30. Sorry Dad, not my problem that you got married at 22 and had 3 kids over the next 5 years. Most college-educated people don't do that anymore.
I do have friends who are constantly trying to fix me up, and they have told me it's because it makes THEM feel awkward if we get together for a group thing, and I'm the only one who isn't paired off with a spouse/boyfriend. Um, I don't care. If you do, stop inviting me to couples-only things.
But I would say the most pressure I feel is at work events. I am part of my company's executive management team, so I am obligated to attend social functions to which everyone else (who are all a lot older) brings their spouse. It just sucks because it is obvious that I am the only single person there, and it seems a lot of people feel it's more polite to ask about my dating life and if I ever plan to get married than to ignore the elephant in the room.0 -
I honestly think it is different because you have been married and divorced and have kids. This tells the old and conservative that you have at least once, followed the "proper" way of doing things in life..and too bad it didn't work out. It is us, the single, never-been-married and approaching 35 year olds who get a little more of the "what is wrong with you that you have never been married by this point" reaction. The last 4 men I have met and/or dated recently have all said some version of "you're amazing, why aren't you married?" etc. As if there is something wrong with me that they just haven't discovered yet. :laugh:
This is a good point. I can't justify why I felt this way, but on certain occasions have definitely felt off the hook somehow when it's established in conversation that I had a marriage. I don't think I'm projecting this, and I don't think the other person (usually someone who is married) would ever have said anything overtly, it's just a vibe. Easy to ignore though.0 -
I occasionally get "why doesnt an awesome girl like you have a guy" from guys...(BTW nice pick up line lol) But other then that most of my friends are male and single so the questions don't exsist.. I think those problems are more for when your hanging with married people all the time or everyone in your family is paired off.0
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Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.
When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.0 -
Never. But I'm a divorcee at 33. So been there, done that. My parents actually pressure me against settling down too soon which I'm totally on board with! She urges me to not make the same mistake again.0
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Most of it is me, but a lot of it is because of the people around me keep reminding me of it.
When you meet someone new, the first thing after "nice to meet you" is asking about your marital status. And then you log on Facebook and everyone is getting married or engaged. Your cousin who is your age is getting married this summer. Meanwhile...you're single, no prospects and on top of that you've never even been kissed. So yeah, the topic is sensitive for me but most of that is my own problem.
Just curious, Christine -- where are you from? I honestly don't know anyone my age who is married except for people from my church circles. I always thought they were in too much of a hurry to get married.0
