I just had another thought. People who use and abuse other are generally (I would like to think) insecure and unhappy. Where would you meet people who were generally the opposite?

Does anyone have ideas? Happy people tend to have hobbies other than picking up chicks at bars. Maybe some sort of activity group, group class, volunteer work, etc. I just joined a hiking group on meetup.com and it is great. I also run into really interesting people volunteering for a local organization. Mostly old gay men, but hey it's a start.

Carly, of course.

It's funny you mention meetup.com. I just recently signed up in my area and it looks amazing. I think a different setting like you mentioned, rather than a bar or specific dating sites could have a completely different type of people. Finding like minded individuals could lead to some kind of relationship, you never know. Especially if you are in the same group then you already have something in common. I think you are on to something. )


Thank you!!....I am thinking beach wedding in Bora Bora.

I don't use people for sex, but here are some things I might to to indicate I was really interested in you:

- Make plans ahead of time as opposed to "hey, what are you up to tonight?"
- Make plans that involve more than "come over to my place and watch a movie"
- Offer to bring you out with my friends (but this one might take a while, I could be really into you and not have this happen for a long time. My friends are crazy, so it's more of making sure you are ready for it)
- Do something that shows there was thought or research involved - like look into something you said you were interested in or bring some little trinket of a gift that is relevant to a conversation we had
- Let you know something about myself that could be used to judge me negatively
- Listen more than talk
- Take you somewhere I am a regular at (mine is a cool local cafe / bakery)
- Do something slightly out of character showing an effort - I might wear a collar shirt and make damn sure I point it out. Too relaxed might mean uncaring, but maybe not

Probably more stuff.

Great!

I'll give you some clues to watch out for early on to tell if a guy is really into you.

He's nervous and awkward, his hands shake, he forgets how to do simple *kitten* like read a menu. He blurts out really awkward things. He talks too much. He screws up the goodnight kiss.

This is me anyway. . I'm very cool and charming and confident until I'm blown away by a girl.. Then I'm a blubbering fool. .

True story!

Oddly enough the first 2 items on your list have happened with the last few guys I have dated only not in your way but the other. Always the "what are you up to tonight" usually at suppertime and "let's watch a movie at your place or mine".

At what point has this been happening? Immediately and it means he assumes you're only a hookup. A few dates in or in a relationship and it's totally fine as long as it isn't the only time/place you see one another.

actions speak louder than words with guys..

in my experience if they are making plans with you well before the date in question (ie planning the next date while you're still on a date or it's monday and he's asking you out for friday/saturday and then will call to confirm on wednesday only to see if he can sneak in a quick coffee date on thursday :laugh: ) then he's into you

also if he's coming up with excuses to see you then odds are they are into. for instance the last guy i dated pretty much teleported to my apartment, toolbox in hand when i mentioned that i was going to be putting together some furniture .

basically for me if i can tell that a guy is trying to spend quality time with me and being respectful of my time and schedule (ie not just calling to hang out ) then i'm pretty sure that he's into me..

there's also the thing when you run into a friend of his and the friend is like "oh YOU'RE x" :laugh:

ETA. I also found that when guys couldnt see me theyd also call to talk or sometimes to NOT talk (i seriously dont understand that. that seems to be a guy thing)

I don't look for specific things really besides the usual: calling, texting, dates, etc. The main thing I look for is consistency, which takes time. A guy can be super excited about you one week then lose interest the next whether it's something you did or not. I've even done it! So I look to see if he's consistent with his actions and efforts. But you have to be patient!

(this is easier said than done.. I'm going through being impatient right now!)

If he offers to take you some place fancy like Red Lobster.

Every time I see your pic I think of the guy from Tosh.0 :laugh:

OP sorry you're having such a hard time distinguishing the keepers from the ones to throw back.

are you just ignoring warning signs at the beginning?
i know that there's a lot of debate about how much stuff to let pass when you first meet someone, but for me personally i usually have a 0% tolerance about stuff. i pretty much assume that everyone is going to be on their best behavior at the start and then people slowly will relax into their normalcy. if someone comes off as a jerk from the moment we meet, then my assumption is that IS him on is best behavior which means that his normal is going to be something even worse.

it might be old fashioned and unpopular, but IMO there is some value in letting guys do most of the heavy lifting at the start of the relationship. i totally agree with tube socks on that point. He should be courting (:laugh: i sound like my grandma) YOU, if anyone is buying gifts (be it liquor, cigs, whatever) it should be HIM buying for YOU, etc. any guy who's not willing to do that in the beginning you should say thanks but no thanks and move on. of course that doesn't mean that you take advantage of the situation either.

it's just been my experience that when you start treating yourself as if you have value and worth AND keep firm in that, then the guys you attract will do so as well. it might reduce the quantity of dates you get but you'll more than make up for that in quality