Dating an uncommunicative guy - advice please?
Options
UrbanLotus
Posts: 1,163 Member
The guy I'm dating is pretty uncommunicative between dates and it is really bothering me, is this normal for some people though? I always worry that I'm overreacting 
. Short version - dating for about 6 weeks, not exclusive yet (I'm not ready either, so we have not discussed it) have gone out about 10 times, he is very sweet to me - like has brought me flowers 3 times, cooked me dinner. No sex yet (I'm not ready till we are exclusive - we have come very close but he is respectful of that).
But we never talk on the phone, he pretty much only texts to make plans, so I feel like our relationship is very disjointed between dates. We had an issue about him not texting me back 2 weeks ago, so I talked to him about it a bit, thought all was good and he seemed to be improving as far as responding, but not initiating. Then yesterday he didn't text me back about the plans we were supposed to have today - I finally called him about 8 hours later and we nailed it down, but why do I have to bother him to firm up plans? And now I am thinking about it more and more and am really disheartened, like why do I have to put it all the effort to make plans too - I don't know if I feel like that just because I am a planner? Like I like to have the next date planned while on the date, I like to make plans like a week in advance.. Then on the other hand I think well, he is bringing me flowers, has me over all the time, that is good effort on his part so maybe I should let go as he is not a phone person? Or is he just a nice & romantic person but not really into me?
(Oh and we met online, his profile was very serious about finding the one, wanting a serious relationship etc)
Thoughts? Be gentle please
. Short version - dating for about 6 weeks, not exclusive yet (I'm not ready either, so we have not discussed it) have gone out about 10 times, he is very sweet to me - like has brought me flowers 3 times, cooked me dinner. No sex yet (I'm not ready till we are exclusive - we have come very close but he is respectful of that).But we never talk on the phone, he pretty much only texts to make plans, so I feel like our relationship is very disjointed between dates. We had an issue about him not texting me back 2 weeks ago, so I talked to him about it a bit, thought all was good and he seemed to be improving as far as responding, but not initiating. Then yesterday he didn't text me back about the plans we were supposed to have today - I finally called him about 8 hours later and we nailed it down, but why do I have to bother him to firm up plans? And now I am thinking about it more and more and am really disheartened, like why do I have to put it all the effort to make plans too - I don't know if I feel like that just because I am a planner? Like I like to have the next date planned while on the date, I like to make plans like a week in advance.. Then on the other hand I think well, he is bringing me flowers, has me over all the time, that is good effort on his part so maybe I should let go as he is not a phone person? Or is he just a nice & romantic person but not really into me?
(Oh and we met online, his profile was very serious about finding the one, wanting a serious relationship etc)
Thoughts? Be gentle please
0
Replies
-
It's hard to give an opinion based on one side of the story. It is clear that you have concerns and there are things about him that bother you. No one is perfect and you'll have to make some decisions. It's easy to say next and that may ultimately be the decision you reach. If you are having problems now it may be because he is not into you. It may be that you've indicated you aren't ready for a serious commitment just yet so he is not giving it his all because he does not want to become overly invested. It may be that he is just not very communicative and lives in the moment much more than you do. It could be other things as well. To the extent that you can, you need to find out what makes him act the way he does. To the extent, ou can't figure out the why, you need to figure out if his behavior is compatible with your ideals for a relationship and decide if it's something you can accept or not.0
-
Here is what I think.
I don't like to talk on the phone either unless it is to confirm plans. That being said I like to text.
I would just say something like this. "I really like you, but I feel as if we aren't on the same page. I don't like when we have plans or whatever and you don't respond to my calls and texts. I don't like sitting around and waiting for you to respond to me for hours when I could be making other plans. I feel as if that means you don't care too about it."
Or alternatively? If he doesn't respond within a couple of hours make up other plans. Tell him because he didn't respond you assumed he was busy and so you decided you were going to stay in for the night or go out with some girlfriends. That'll teach him he needs to confirm plans.0 -
Or alternatively? If he doesn't respond within a couple of hours make up other plans. Tell him because he didn't respond you assumed he was busy and so you decided you were going to stay in for the night or go out with some girlfriends. That'll teach him he needs to confirm plans.
Whatever you do, don't do this. I assume he is a grown man that is looking for a companion not someone who is looking to crack the whip to get what she wants. This is just manipulative and controlling.0 -
Here is what I think.
I don't like to talk on the phone either unless it is to confirm plans. That being said I like to text.
I would just say something like this. "I really like you, but I feel as if we aren't on the same page. I don't like when we have plans or whatever and you don't respond to my calls and texts. I don't like sitting around and waiting for you to respond to me for hours when I could be making other plans. I feel as if that means you don't care too about it."
Or alternatively? If he doesn't respond within a couple of hours make up other plans. Tell him because he didn't respond you assumed he was busy and so you decided you were going to stay in for the night or go out with some girlfriends. That'll teach him he needs to confirm plans.
Well the thing is, its like we already have general plans, but not a specific time etc, so I can't really go making other plans. Like today, we were supposed to go to the movies tonight, but didnt decide where to meet/what show, so thats what I was texting him about yesterday. I also really don't want to play games you know? I already had the talk with him about not responding - that was just a week and a half ago! He has been much better about it, till yesterday. Now Idk what to do, do I have the talk with him again and come across as nagging? Or just let it go and feel bad about where this is goin?0 -
It may be that you've indicated you aren't ready for a serious commitment just yet so he is not giving it his all because he does not want to become overly invested.
I was thinking this might be the case...I haven't actually told him I'm not ready for anything serious, we just haven't had the talk yet, but I do want to get to know him better before we get into a relationship. BUT I have been distant in some ways...he had me over for dinner on our third date, and after that hinted several times that he wanted me to do the same...finally I had to have a talk with him and tell him that someone coming to my place, me cooking for them, is intimate for me and not something I just do in the regular course of dating, so that was going to have to wait till i was comfortable. He understood, that was about a month ago and I still have not had him over. So maybe he does feel like I am being distant as well and that is affecting how close he is getting too?To the extent that you can, you need to find out what makes him act the way he does.
How do I do this? When we talked about it last week, he said the bottom line was that if he wasn't into me I wouldn't be there, we wouldn't be hanging out, so I shouldn't overreact or read too much into him not texting me back in time. Which made me feel better then, but now I'm questioning again![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
0 -
oops double post0
-
^ and he didn't respond all day?? I would be irate but then again I'm extremely moody.
To me unless he dropped his phone or he happened to be somewhere the whole day where is was inappropriate to even look at your phone, it's not really excusable to not text back for eight hours. Most people check their phone at least every couple hours. So to not respond for that long is odd.
But maybe he has an excuse. I'm a nurse. Sometimes I don't get a lunch break. Does he have a job like that? When he finally answers does he apologize? What does he give as an excuse? When you first told him that he's a bad texter did he get mad or was he apologetic?
(Ok not being in a serious relationship is no excuse not to write back for 8 hours.)0 -
^ and he didn't respond all day?? I would be irate but then again I'm extremely moody.
To me unless he dropped his phone or he happened to be somewhere the whole day where is was inappropriate to even look at your phone, it's not really excusable to not text back for eight hours. Most people check their phone at least every couple hours. So to not respond for that long is odd.
But maybe he has an excuse. I'm a nurse. Sometimes I don't get a lunch break. Does he have a job like that? When he finally answers does he apologize? What does he give as an excuse? When you first told him that he's a bad texter did he get mad or was he apologetic?
(Ok not being in a serious relationship is no excuse not to write back for 8 hours.)
Yeah I was not happy. I texted him around 3, then I called him at 10:30 (when we talked about this before, he said just call or text him again if i need to, plus i wanted to change the plans i originally proposed). His vmail was full (idk what thats about) so I texted him about the plan change. He responded in like 30 seconds with "ok" (thats it, literally). But then he called a few minutes later - he was driving, had just had dinner with his aunt and uncle, so I guess thats his "excuse"? Yes he cant necessarily text all the time at work, but I figured he would once he left work!
No he doesn't even acknowledge that he didn't write back for ages, so i feel like I'd be naggy to ask. Actually the convo about it was great, he wasn't defensive at all, understood what i was saying but also said I need to not read anything into it, he wants to hang out with me etc, and he did apologize. i felt SO much better after that, and since then he has been responsive...then yesterday.0 -
Despite the fact that it's just relatively starting, the bottom line is this.
You communicate to him exactly how you like to have communication, which you've seem to all ready done. He seems in this little circle of appeasement than returns back to pattern. Whether or not a relationship is new, any person who doesn't change and goes back to an issue that was addressed...is not usually going to be worth the time.
To me, this guy is raising red flags to my douchedar.
He's using affectionate plying as an apology for his continued inaction and at this point out right ignoring of your actual wants. He's basically "hooking you along" either because he sees you as a backup until he either gets a primary woman or all ready has another primary woman going.
He's saying and doing all the right things when he's with you, but the moment he's not...
Most likely using these tactics on another woman or women...until he gets someone that's responsive to this game.
Of course, my opin.0 -
How do I do this? When we talked about it last week, he said the bottom line was that if he wasn't into me I wouldn't be there, we wouldn't be hanging out, so I shouldn't overreact or read too much into him not texting me back in time. Which made me feel better then, but now I'm questioning again
You'll have to talk to him (don't use a text or a phone call) and judge his response for yourself. Not just his words but his body language. Even if he seems to be sincerely into you, it may be too big of a problem. If you need more rapid communication, his style may not be compatible. Christine has made it clear that it would not be compatible to her. That's something that you'll have to judge for yourself though.0 -
Despite the fact that it's just relatively starting, the bottom line is this.
You communicate to him exactly how you like to have communication, which you've seem to all ready done. He seems in this little circle of appeasement than returns back to pattern. Whether or not a relationship is new, any person who doesn't change and goes back to an issue that was addressed...is not usually going to be worth the time.
To me, this guy is raising red flags to my douchedar.
He's using affectionate plying as an apology for his continued inaction and at this point out right ignoring of your actual wants. He's basically "hooking you along" either because he sees you as a backup until he either gets a primary woman or all ready has another primary woman going.
He's saying and doing all the right things when he's with you, but the moment he's not...
Most likely using these tactics on another woman or women...until he gets someone that's responsive to this game.
Of course, my opin.
Ouch ok. I don't really agree with all this but I will think about it. I think it is very unfair to say he is a douche though, he seems like a genuinely nice and good person in all aspects of his life (and trust me, i don't say that about almost anyone). If he isn't that into me, fine, but I don't think that makes him a douche.
when we did have the talk about this before, he said it was just one time, so he felt like i was overreacting (he wasn't saying this in a bad way, just in the way that he didn't have bad intentions) and I told him I wanted to nip it in the bud so it didn't happen again...so yes, it kind of happened again yesterday, but is that falling into a pattern already? And the talk we did have was more about him not responding in a timely manner, and not really about the fact that I would like more communication overall, so I feel like I probably need to be clear about that?0 -
Well raising red flags and being one slight difference. Sorry, I've just had a lot of gal pals who I've been the "shoulder" with guys who have exhibited this kind of pattern.
Definitely hash things out, make a much stronger case about it and instill importance to it.to a pattern already? And the talk we did have was more about him not responding in a timely manner, and not really about the fact that I would like more communication overall, so I feel like I probably need to be clear about that?
If he goes back again to non-communicative and flakey ways a third time after that discussion...
He's then become an official blip on the radar.0 -
Yes, I am going to talk to him about it again, and be very clear about what I want, and then back off I guess. Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?0
-
Yes, I am going to talk to him about it again, and be very clear about what I want, and then back off I guess. Have I mentioned how much I hate dating?
I'm with ya!
There are definitely exceptions to everything but if its a habit it's different. There are times absolutely where things happen that we can control. But if its a regular thing it's a problem. I would be annoyed waiting around when I could be doing something else...even if it was taking my makeup off and putting sweats on and binge watching Netflix!0 -
HAs anybody else thought that after 10 dates with no disscusion about becoming exclusive or physical intamacy that this guy may just be check out a little?0
-
HAs anybody else thought that after 10 dates with no disscusion about becoming exclusive or physical intamacy that this guy may just be check out a little?
I think she said they've been physical but haven't gone all the way yet?0 -
HAs anybody else thought that after 10 dates with no disscusion about becoming exclusive or physical intamacy that this guy may just be check out a little?
No. He is a grown man, if he wants to discuss exclusivity he can bring it up, and if he can't wait for sex I will gladly move on. We have been physically intimate, just no sex. There has been zero indication that any of this is a problem so I'm not sure where you are getting this from.0 -
HAs anybody else thought that after 10 dates with no disscusion about becoming exclusive or physical intamacy that this guy may just be check out a little?
No. He is a grown man, if he wants to discuss exclusivity he can bring it up, and if he can't wait for sex I will gladly move on. We have been physically intimate, just no sex. There has been zero indication that any of this is a problem so I'm not sure where you are getting this from.
Because 10 dates it a long time to spend with someone. Additionally after he hinted that he would like to go to your house and have you cook dinner you told him that is something intimate and special to you and YOU weren't ready yet. He will not initiate the conversation after the above statement. He will be waiting for you, however after being rebuffed as such he may begin looking around because as you said he is looking for a serious relationship .0 -
HAs anybody else thought that after 10 dates with no disscusion about becoming exclusive or physical intamacy that this guy may just be check out a little?
No. He is a grown man, if he wants to discuss exclusivity he can bring it up, and if he can't wait for sex I will gladly move on. We have been physically intimate, just no sex. There has been zero indication that any of this is a problem so I'm not sure where you are getting this from.
Because 10 dates it a long time to spend with someone. Additionally after he hinted that he would like to go to your house and have you cook dinner you told him that is something intimate and special to you and YOU weren't ready yet. He will not initiate the conversation after the above statement. He will be waiting for you, however after being rebuffed as such he may begin looking around because as you said he is looking for a serious relationship .
As I said, our dates seem disjointed - since we don't really communicate in between it is very hard to get comfortable and it doesn't flow as it would if we were talking all the time. Yes, I did tell him that but it was a month ago, that was way too soon - I actually was planning on having him over last weekend, but then the whole 2 days of not responding to my text happened so I got turned off. I did tell him in that conversation that I was planning on it, but that my comfort level had seriously dropped because of his non-responsiveness, so it was going to have to wait. Same thing with sex/exclusivity. How am i supposed to be trust him enough to have sex with him if we don't talk between dates?
I do want a serious relationship too, but I want us to get to know each other and not jump into it. I guess this may be a chicken/egg issue - he doesn't communicate more because i haven't opened myself up to intimacy...and I'm not doing that because he doesn't communicate. Sigh. What to do.0 -
I feel like ten dates isn't even a long time! If you go on a couple dates a weeks that is only a month of dating. No guy would be coming over to my place or having sex with me that soon! I understand that aspect of your feelings, Urban.
However I do agree that if YOU told him that you weren't ready to have him over you have to bite the bullet and make the invite when you're ready. If you're not ready it's fine but tell him that it's still on your mind and you'll let him know when you're ready! I think that will give him a good idea that he is important to you.0
