Could you????
Replies
-
My question are
1. Could you date someone who is in your relative age group and was a virgin?
2.Would you rather know or not?
1. I would. Minor reservations there because lets face it, experience counts, but I turned away from a potential relationship a few years ago because the girl was a virgin and I regret it. I think there is some stigma to being someone's first and that scared me away.
2. Obviously I would like to know. I think I would be able to tell fairly quickly if a girl has been in bed before or not so might as well be honest.0 -
Yes, I would as long as I got the impression he was teachable ;-)
Yes I would want to know.
That said... I've been told (in this forum before anyone starts whining about the guys I talk to) that people who have only had one partner or were still virgins in their 40s keep that quiet. Apparently that's NOT the selling point I thought it was when I first became single.0 -
To the girls in this thread that actually ARE virgins:
No way should you look for someone who would be with you "in spite of" your status. What you have to offer is a fantasy that guys talk and dream about but don't think they will ever actually encounter. A girl with a good head on her shoulders, life on track, and the self control to save herself for someone she really cares about. I would be thrilled to fall in love with someone like this and be able to share that moment together. I know it sounds lame, but all had-*kitten*-ness aside, I think a lot of us probably feel that way.
I think because this is viewed as a "fantasy" or something out of a romance flick, there are often reservations. It can't be real - will she get bored and want to go bang other dudes? Does her vagina have teeth? That sort of thing.
Anyway, what I am saying is be proud of what you have to offer. Kudos to you.
(no disrespect meant to the ladies getting hella d*ck, you know I love you)
While this post is heart warming ( it really REALLY is!! ) As a mid 30's women who has yet to have the actual act of sex happen, it is difficult to live with, and sometimes I wonder if I just had sex with someone, I wouldn't have it on a pedestal ( so to say )
I grew up thinking you only have sex with people you are in a committed relationship with. Well, growing up feeling bad about myself and my weight, I created a barrier and developed a pretty severe social anxiety problem for myself.
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me, and I always turn them down, cause I think deep down, I still WANT it to be with someone I'm in a relationship with....but the practical side of me is saying just have sex with someone you know already, and get the virgin stigma over with......and maybe I can relax a little bit and calm some of my anxiety and fear that revolves around sex.
Anyways.....I do thank you for the post.....it gives me hope.
Anyone who is in a similar boat.....please feel free to send me a mesg or friend request.....cause I do feel very much alone in this where everywhere I turn people are talking about their relationships or sexcapades - and I sit in the corner and awkwardly smile.
~Sara0 -
In the big scheme of things, it's very, very minor. I wouldn't care either way. I wouldn't even care to know beforehand.0
-
To the girls in this thread that actually ARE virgins:
No way should you look for someone who would be with you "in spite of" your status. What you have to offer is a fantasy that guys talk and dream about but don't think they will ever actually encounter. A girl with a good head on her shoulders, life on track, and the self control to save herself for someone she really cares about. I would be thrilled to fall in love with someone like this and be able to share that moment together. I know it sounds lame, but all had-*kitten*-ness aside, I think a lot of us probably feel that way.
I think because this is viewed as a "fantasy" or something out of a romance flick, there are often reservations. It can't be real - will she get bored and want to go bang other dudes? Does her vagina have teeth? That sort of thing.
Anyway, what I am saying is be proud of what you have to offer. Kudos to you.
(no disrespect meant to the ladies getting hella d*ck, you know I love you)
While this post is heart warming ( it really REALLY is!! ) As a mid 30's women who has yet to have the actual act of sex happen, it is difficult to live with, and sometimes I wonder if I just had sex with someone, I wouldn't have it on a pedestal ( so to say )
I grew up thinking you only have sex with people you are in a committed relationship with. Well, growing up feeling bad about myself and my weight, I created a barrier and developed a pretty severe social anxiety problem for myself.
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me, and I always turn them down, cause I think deep down, I still WANT it to be with someone I'm in a relationship with....but the practical side of me is saying just have sex with someone you know already, and get the virgin stigma over with......and maybe I can relax a little bit and calm some of my anxiety and fear that revolves around sex.
Anyways.....I do thank you for the post.....it gives me hope.
Anyone who is in a similar boat.....please feel free to send me a mesg or friend request.....cause I do feel very much alone in this where everywhere I turn people are talking about their relationships or sexcapades - and I sit in the corner and awkwardly smile.
~Sara
I'm with you. I had a guy friend try to kiss me one time as a joke and I kind of squirmed away and told him that I had never been kissed but I would like to save it for someone who I actually have feelings for. (He said he thought that it was sweet.) So to some extent I'm with you - I'd rather wait than just do it to get it over with.0 -
To the girls in this thread that actually ARE virgins:
No way should you look for someone who would be with you "in spite of" your status. What you have to offer is a fantasy that guys talk and dream about but don't think they will ever actually encounter. A girl with a good head on her shoulders, life on track, and the self control to save herself for someone she really cares about. I would be thrilled to fall in love with someone like this and be able to share that moment together. I know it sounds lame, but all had-*kitten*-ness aside, I think a lot of us probably feel that way.
I think because this is viewed as a "fantasy" or something out of a romance flick, there are often reservations. It can't be real - will she get bored and want to go bang other dudes? Does her vagina have teeth? That sort of thing.
Anyway, what I am saying is be proud of what you have to offer. Kudos to you.
(no disrespect meant to the ladies getting hella d*ck, you know I love you)
While this post is heart warming ( it really REALLY is!! ) As a mid 30's women who has yet to have the actual act of sex happen, it is difficult to live with, and sometimes I wonder if I just had sex with someone, I wouldn't have it on a pedestal ( so to say )
I grew up thinking you only have sex with people you are in a committed relationship with. Well, growing up feeling bad about myself and my weight, I created a barrier and developed a pretty severe social anxiety problem for myself.
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me, and I always turn them down, cause I think deep down, I still WANT it to be with someone I'm in a relationship with....but the practical side of me is saying just have sex with someone you know already, and get the virgin stigma over with......and maybe I can relax a little bit and calm some of my anxiety and fear that revolves around sex.
Anyways.....I do thank you for the post.....it gives me hope.
Anyone who is in a similar boat.....please feel free to send me a mesg or friend request.....cause I do feel very much alone in this where everywhere I turn people are talking about their relationships or sexcapades - and I sit in the corner and awkwardly smile.
~Sara
I'm with you. I had a guy friend try to kiss me one time as a joke and I kind of squirmed away and told him that I had never been kissed but I would like to save it for someone who I actually have feelings for. (He said he thought that it was sweet.) So to some extent I'm with you - I'd rather wait than just do it to get it over with.
All through my 20's, I thought like this. Wait.....the right guy is out there and I'll find him. Now that i'm halfway through my 30's and haven't found said guy ( thanks social anxiety!!! ) I'm getting more antsy about the entire situation. Yes, I'd love to have the love of my life to be found and we live happily ever after and humping like bunnies.....but I'm not seeing this happen. And part of me thinks it's because I have this fairy tale idea of what sex should be.
It's very confusing for me. And lonely, cause I honestly feel like I can't talk to my family and friends about it. I don't want them to know at all.0 -
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me,
Wow Sara, this hurts my heart. Are these guys still your friend? This feels rather, um, not friendly to me. I'm curious what the guys think about male friends that offer to sleep with their virgin female friend (feel free to PM me, thanks). I'm so glad that you stuck to your convictions about waiting to be in a relationship.
I'm not a virgin, but I've only ever had one partner and that was within the confines of marriage. I can't even kiss a guy real good if we're not in a relationship because it just doesn't feel right to me- I prefer the specialness of commitment. It just adds something to the experience for me. There was another thread here where quite a few folks said a kiss is just a kiss and sex is just sex - nothing special worth romanticizing, so this viewpoint is in the minority, but if you feel the same way please don't let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel like something is wrong with you.
hehe that said, I'd lose the fairy tale ideas of sex. chick flicks are quite inaccurate. xoxo0 -
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me,
Wow Sara, this hurts my heart. Are these guys still your friend? This feels rather, um, not friendly to me.
Janie just wondering, do you think it's not friendly because they're trying to take advantage? Or is it not friendly because they're taking pity on her? Or that they're implying that she shouldn't be a virgin? I'm curious. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, in fact I think it's kind of nice that they're willing to be a volunteer and help get someone over a hump if needed. That being said, I wouldn't do it either for sex but I can see where some people would take advantage of it just to get it over with. But maybe there's something I'm missing?0 -
You need to realise that most people have most of their sex in committed relationships...I grew up thinking you only have sex with people you are in a committed relationship with.
The idea you wrote is the idea pretty much everyone around you grew up with, and I would imagine that 90% of the people have lost their virginity in what they would call a "committed relationship" of some sort, and I'm inclined to believe that generally people have most of their sex in committed relationships (it's not like people are just jumping from one one-night-stand to another).
You should forget the idea that "non virgins" constantly have sex in non-committed relationships and thus being virgin is neither socially superior (you are marginalised) nor morally superior (people act like you would if you could) - so there isn't much advantage in being a virgin, apart from the "fantasy/special moment" thing Chris mentioned (1).
So this means two things, your idea that "people should have sex in committed relationships":
- Is not novel or unique, and this isn't what explains that you are still a virgin. In fact there are loads of non virgins and virgins who have the same idea and I would even argue that our western societies as a whole still think this way today (even though they don't necessarily act this way, because realistically this ideal is probably unsustainable with the pressures and freedoms of our modern society).
- Isn't intrinsically a bad idea (this is generally a good principle, especially when you are virgin, to have sex only in committed relationships).
Anyway, my point is that the real problem of virgins isn't about being virgin or not, it's about failing to be involved in a "committed relationship" of some sort.
Assuming that for a virgin, a committed relationship means mostly "emotional" (the "physical" side being absent of the requirements or very minor) and that for a non virgin a committed relationship means a combination of "emotional" and "physical" actions in some proportion.
There are two main possibilities I see here:
- People you are trying to commit with are too sexual and this is scaring you (i.e. their balance physical/emotional is 80/20),
- You are failing miserably on the emotional side of things (you are a wreck and people don't want a committed relationship with you, only sex) or your physical side is 0% (i.e. you are known as the friend).
The first possibility is more about finding a partner that has a balance of physical/emotional needs that is similar to yours (they exist, we all found one back when we were virgins), the second possibility is about correcting your emotional or physical/sexual problems.
If you find sex daunting, keep in mind that if a monkey can do it, you can probably do it too.
(1) "will she get bored and want to go bang other dudes?" She/he will probably regret having only 1 sex partner once you've opened the Pandora box.0 -
I would and have, Ive been involved with someone that slept with a very high number (most guys would have stopped right there lol) and a girl who was a virgin at 23, both were equally amazing in their own way and ones lack of sexual experience did not effect the relationship, I am glad she told me as I would imagine it would be a daunting prospect to someone at 23 in this era especially where I come from, I had a lot of respect for that.0
-
I would and I would definately want to know up front. Then, I could ease her into things and make it enjoyable for both.0
-
Flimflam, great write up, and I agree that a committed relationship is a common way to lose it. That's what I did.0
-
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me,
Wow Sara, this hurts my heart. Are these guys still your friend? This feels rather, um, not friendly to me.
Janie just wondering, do you think it's not friendly because they're trying to take advantage? Or is it not friendly because they're taking pity on her? Or that they're implying that she shouldn't be a virgin? I'm curious. I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, in fact I think it's kind of nice that they're willing to be a volunteer and help get someone over a hump if needed. That being said, I wouldn't do it either for sex but I can see where some people would take advantage of it just to get it over with. But maybe there's something I'm missing?
I'd prefer to hear back from Sara before I answer publicly...and it may be that she and I have that conversation in private (if she desires)0 -
Flimflam, great write up, and I agree that a committed relationship is a common way to lose it. That's what I did.
That will be the only way I end up losing mine! Now how to find a committed relationship lol...0 -
I've even had some guy friends who I have confided in offer ( feel odd using this word - but whatever ) to sleep with me,
Wow Sara, this hurts my heart. Are these guys still your friend? This feels rather, um, not friendly to me. I'm curious what the guys think about male friends that offer to sleep with their virgin female friend (feel free to PM me, thanks). I'm so glad that you stuck to your convictions about waiting to be in a relationship.
I'm not a virgin, but I've only ever had one partner and that was within the confines of marriage. I can't even kiss a guy real good if we're not in a relationship because it just doesn't feel right to me- I prefer the specialness of commitment. It just adds something to the experience for me. There was another thread here where quite a few folks said a kiss is just a kiss and sex is just sex - nothing special worth romanticizing, so this viewpoint is in the minority, but if you feel the same way please don't let anyone tell you otherwise or make you feel like something is wrong with you.
hehe that said, I'd lose the fairy tale ideas of sex. chick flicks are quite inaccurate. xoxo
They are still friends. One being a person who doesn't have to have any kind of emotion connection to have sex. And I do. It's just really difficult at my age, I"m sure anyone who is in their 30's and in my position can vouch for that. I want others to think I have had sex. ( Peers, family, etc ) I don't want people knowing that i haven't.
Deep down, I want the closeness of a relationship. But as someone who has grown up with terrible self esteem, and still struggles daily, struggles something terrible with social anxiety
I just have to wonder if it would be better to have sex with someone I trust, and let it happen. Maybe I can let go of some of the sexual hangups I have.
I can't even express how the self esteem has effected everything. I've always grown up as the friend, never the girlfriend, so if anyone shows interest, my first thought is ..... really? Even though I think I'd be a great catch for someone.....but I certainly have some inner struggles to work on. But maybe if I have sex-it will prove that I am desirable. I dunno. I could NEVER do a one night stand type thing. It wouldn't be my thing, and would make me very uncomfortable.
It's just really really hard. =(0 -
I just sent Sara a very long PM (even longer than my characteristic books) on this topic. She is welcome to post all, part, or none of it as she so chooses. Here are some parts part that specifically responds to what she posted above, and I hope it helps others:If you have never had sex or are not having much sex guys think you will turn out to either be a prude, have sexual hangups, or be boring in the bedroom. Especially in your age bracket they want to have spicy fun and feel alive...So you have to have to find ways to flirt with them and make little jokes and comments...to let them know you’re not the prude.
if he's willing to have sex with you outside a relationship, there will be NO relationship when you are done. But your switch will have been flipped (by oxytocin) from "just friends" to "romantic relationship."....
Having sex with a friend will not help you let go of sexual hangups. Having sex with friends is for people who are already comfortable with their sexuality. I think (and I’m no expert but I used to be a pastors wife and have worked with young women in the ministry for over 15 years) having sex with a friend outside the confines of a committed relationship will actually make you feel WORSE about yourself because he will move on and have sex with someone else and leave you hanging. And this brings feelings of rejection. Feelings of shame (because once lost you can't get it back) and, if he's like so many men that don't really know how to please a woman and you end up NOT having an orgasm you will be angry at having given up your virginity for nothing. And sooooo many women give it up for nothing.
That's why it's so important to be with a man who truly cares about you and your well being. One who will take the time to be gentle with you, get your body ready to receive him, who will be patient and understanding that you aren't as experienced or, if he's a virgin himself, will be willing to learn what it takes to make a woman happy (cuz it's NOT as easy as it is to make a man happy).
Having sex will not "prove" you're desirable as you wrote in your post. Desirable women are desired whether or not they have sex with a man. I will not have sex with a man outside of marriage but men constantly ask me out. It's funny and flattering and having been the ugly loser girl most of my life I really eat it up. It's not because I'm sexy. I'm told it's because I'm confident in myself and because I work with what I have (maximize my best features and minimize my worst ones). You, too, can have men desiring you without having sex with a single one of them BY BUILDING YOUR CONFIDENCE. Some great books on this are "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie, "What Southern Women Know About Flirting," "What Southern Women Know that Every Woman Should" and Nightingale's Strangest Secret.
Oh, and the number of puns in this thread is crazy!0 -
Janie now I understand what you meant...but I don't think the men are being bad friends. They're men, they're doing what they feel without considering the females viewpoint.
But I agree - even if I don't end up with the guy I would rather have good memories of him and know I liked him.0 -
Wait trying to get my head around this since Sara and I are in the same boat.
I say "I am to the point where I just want to go and have a one night stand and get it over with" I get reply "No find a guy friend that you trust ..."
Sara says "Even some guy friends said they would be willing to have sex with me so I would be with someone I know the first time." and the response is "Oh those guys are just using you and you shouldn't trust them."
This is why it is so hard when you reach a certain age and still haven't had sex to make that first step.0 -
Wait trying to get my head around this since Sara and I are in the same boat.
I say "I am to the point where I just want to go and have a one night stand and get it over with" I get reply "No find a guy friend that you trust ..."
Sara says "Even some guy friends said they would be willing to have sex with me so I would be with someone I know the first time." and the response is "Oh those guys are just using you and you shouldn't trust them."
This is why it is so hard when you reach a certain age and still haven't had sex to make that first step.
I don't think that was a blanket response. I have a feeling if you polled the majority here, we would all say do whatever you are comfortable with!
We are all adults here, and IMO the religious undertones do not need to be brought up... If someone wants to have sex just to have sex then that is a personal choice. Doing so with someone you trust (i.e. a friend) is fine (see Chris' earlier response). Back to the point Flim made (well done! :drinker:), if anyone is specifically waiting to have sex ONLY in a committed relationship that is ok too. However, you need to be aware that by putting little to no effort in to finding or creating a relationship, you are not going to be having sex. So don't mourn the fact that you are missing out on something that you are not working toward. You cannot dismiss the dating scene or potential suitors for minor infractions and then wonder why you are alone and sexless.
I'm of the mindset that there is no one right answer here, each person must know their individual limits and comfort zones, but they (like many other things in life) come at a price.0 -
Wait trying to get my head around this since Sara and I are in the same boat.
I say "I am to the point where I just want to go and have a one night stand and get it over with" I get reply "No find a guy friend that you trust ..."
Sara says "Even some guy friends said they would be willing to have sex with me so I would be with someone I know the first time." and the response is "Oh those guys are just using you and you shouldn't trust them."
This is why it is so hard when you reach a certain age and still haven't had sex to make that first step.
I agree there's a mixed message here.0 -
Wait trying to get my head around this since Sara and I are in the same boat.
I say "I am to the point where I just want to go and have a one night stand and get it over with" I get reply "No find a guy friend that you trust ..."
Sara says "Even some guy friends said they would be willing to have sex with me so I would be with someone I know the first time." and the response is "Oh those guys are just using you and you shouldn't trust them."
This is why it is so hard when you reach a certain age and still haven't had sex to make that first step.
I agree there's a mixed message here.
There's mixed messages because one is from a pious, celibate, non-drinking lady that works in the military around, what seems to be, deprived and depraved men!! JJ doesn't believe in sex before marriage/relationships and therefore any man (or woman) that wants sex in that context is either a user or a douche ('puts out' or has no self respect!)
The other messages are from normal, sexually active, moderately drinking, some religious, some not, ladies who have had at least 1 long term relationship/marriage, may have had a ONS or a FWB and enjoy the company of normal men in normal jobs and, most importantly, who enjoy and are not hung up on sex, in any context!
We are all different, with different backgrounds and different experiences. That's what's so good about a public forum. You hear it from all angles.
Hopefully, the purpose of the forum is gain a balanced view. And that will always entail differences of opinion. It's then down to the individual to judge how they would like to conduct their life in the context of their own lives and environment. As PJ says, we are all adults here!! (or should be!).0 -
Wait trying to get my head around this since Sara and I are in the same boat.
I say "I am to the point where I just want to go and have a one night stand and get it over with" I get reply "No find a guy friend that you trust ..."
Sara says "Even some guy friends said they would be willing to have sex with me so I would be with someone I know the first time." and the response is "Oh those guys are just using you and you shouldn't trust them."
This is why it is so hard when you reach a certain age and still haven't had sex to make that first step.
I don't think that was a blanket response.
I don't think so either, and if anyone pulled this (or a religious overtone as was mentioned) from my response then I figure they are mis interpreting my words, not reading what I wrote for the words they are. I didn't see any of that in Florian's response either.if anyone is specifically waiting to have sex ONLY in a committed relationship that is ok too. However, you need to be aware that by putting little to no effort in to finding or creating a relationship, you are not going to be having sex. So don't mourn the fact that you are missing out on something that you are not working toward. You cannot dismiss the dating scene or potential suitors for minor infractions and then wonder why you are alone and sexless.
Yes, exactly.
I can't even make out with a guy who isn't interested in a relationship with me without feeling sad; it just kills my libido knowing the man I'm with is not interested in more. So I don't feel like (or complain about) I am missing out. Some women feel differently. You have to know yourself and how you are going to handle sex without a relationship before asking someone to just help you "get it over with."
The last thing on earth you want to do is ruin a friendship because he was willing to accommodate you but now you're hurt that he's not interested in more and now that he made you feel good you want to move into a relationship. You have to be ok with the NSA sex before you ask this, and my experience has been girls often think they're ok with it but after the fact they aren't. I know I wouldn't based on how I felt after kissing some guys I thought were interested in exploring a relationship only to find out I wasn't "potential miss right" but "miss right now" to them. You know in yourself if you're that sensitive.
(Well, JJ, how do I learn if I'm that sensitive unless I have sex? how about going out on a lot of dates and just experimenting at whatever level you are comfortable with hugs kisses etc until you reach your level of comfort)
(Well, JJ, I cant get a date... bull... there's no girl who's pic I see in this forum who isn't cute enough and strong enough to be attractive to men. She might just need some polishing and more confidence and learn to smile at guys to give them an opening to ask her out (a la the books I mentioned above), but what I see more of is we either carry ourselves like we don't want to be bothered or we dismiss potential guys for no good reason and then we are upset that we are alone).0 -
wow i really intended for that to come out nicer. unfortunately i have to get back to work so I don't have time to edit my tone. please forgive me- i wasn't trying to seem critical or offensive. Just repeating the stuff guys told me when I first joined this forum and had to change my dating ways ;-)0
