I had an eating disorder...and didn't even know it.
sassiebritches
Posts: 1,861 Member
I posted this on my profile today after seeing people screaming at someone in forums about eating 1000 cals...and promoting the stupid 1200 cal thing....and cardio cardio cardio..(forgive misspellings)
---This new journey, now that the shock is over has taught me a few things. #1 chocolate is not the devils food
#2 that I have been suffering with an eating disorder since the day I decided to starve my body. I was not a fat kid (though I felt like I was - pictures prove a different story) I ate what I wanted, in the amounts I wanted and rarely gained an ounce. I also danced 2-4 hours a day, had to hike./walk/ride a bike wherever I was going. It was when I stopped being active and sat all day that I gained (fulltime work / fulltime school)....I continued to eat the way I had, but I stopped exercising. I was not fat until 23 years old. For the last 5 years I have been up and down and up and down, losing the same 20 lbs...Everything I have tried - Low cal, low carb, this pill, that pill, hcg....all netted me the same results, missing out on events because I couldn't stand to be around the good party foods, feeling guilty if I indulged and overindulging unable to stop when I started, or bringing my own so I could try and participate, all the while staring at the chip/dip table, feeling awful in my tight shorts or too embarassed to wear something. All those sacrificed dates out, the movie theatre cause of the popcorn, not working out cause I did not have enough energy cause I was too tired, not going to do the things I wanted cause there was no food choices for me. All of this brought me here. FED UP. The Yo Yo dieting has caused me to be unable to lose without some form of extreme diet that is not sustainable or enjoyable.....and I am all to familiar with life being to short to not eat chocolate. I am thankful to one of my friends here for introducing me to Eat More 2 Weigh Less, though I will admit I have been pretty freaked out some days along the way. (Ya'll are witness) I have gained 10 lbs (Yup its ok and YUP I FREAKED) but all in the process of resetting the mess I have caused by my eating disorder. Now I eat......all day in fact and do not gain a pound. (3 weeks steady) I ditched all the insane cardio and started lifting and doing basic strength training to build muscles(today I see some great bicep definition!)....rather then burn burn burn cals. I have figured out that this is my set point for now, and God willing I pray that I will stick here for 5 more weeks, proving to myself that this theory works. I feel sad for people I see still doing the "diet journey", I am sure to see them all next year still battling it out. I am sure many will lose a great deal, maybe they are at the beginning of the journey, and I will see many that have been at it as long if not longer then me....still trying to find the magic combination. For me I am finding that it is eating 2450 cals a day.....day in and day out. For 12 weeks, Resetting my dead metabolism, reminding my body that I love it, and that I will treat it like a fine tuned machine, nourish it with wholesome healthy choices and give it all it wants....even if it means eating when I don't feel the urge.....So there it is, I am sharing because it makes me feel better and maybe someone else in here is scared, worried, FREAKING OUT. I am thankful for the encouragement that you all have given me to keep me eating at TDEE for as long as I have and recommending I stick it out for the full 3 months. I truely think it will be the best thing for me. I am so happy that I don't have to make the sacrifices I was making before, for a totally unobtainable goal. Our bodies were designed to work as efficient machines.....and I was constantly trying to re-engineer an already amazingly engineered machine.....like tossing a Camaro engine in a Pinto.....not gonna work, so I invest the time and just work on the Camaro
---This new journey, now that the shock is over has taught me a few things. #1 chocolate is not the devils food
#2 that I have been suffering with an eating disorder since the day I decided to starve my body. I was not a fat kid (though I felt like I was - pictures prove a different story) I ate what I wanted, in the amounts I wanted and rarely gained an ounce. I also danced 2-4 hours a day, had to hike./walk/ride a bike wherever I was going. It was when I stopped being active and sat all day that I gained (fulltime work / fulltime school)....I continued to eat the way I had, but I stopped exercising. I was not fat until 23 years old. For the last 5 years I have been up and down and up and down, losing the same 20 lbs...Everything I have tried - Low cal, low carb, this pill, that pill, hcg....all netted me the same results, missing out on events because I couldn't stand to be around the good party foods, feeling guilty if I indulged and overindulging unable to stop when I started, or bringing my own so I could try and participate, all the while staring at the chip/dip table, feeling awful in my tight shorts or too embarassed to wear something. All those sacrificed dates out, the movie theatre cause of the popcorn, not working out cause I did not have enough energy cause I was too tired, not going to do the things I wanted cause there was no food choices for me. All of this brought me here. FED UP. The Yo Yo dieting has caused me to be unable to lose without some form of extreme diet that is not sustainable or enjoyable.....and I am all to familiar with life being to short to not eat chocolate. I am thankful to one of my friends here for introducing me to Eat More 2 Weigh Less, though I will admit I have been pretty freaked out some days along the way. (Ya'll are witness) I have gained 10 lbs (Yup its ok and YUP I FREAKED) but all in the process of resetting the mess I have caused by my eating disorder. Now I eat......all day in fact and do not gain a pound. (3 weeks steady) I ditched all the insane cardio and started lifting and doing basic strength training to build muscles(today I see some great bicep definition!)....rather then burn burn burn cals. I have figured out that this is my set point for now, and God willing I pray that I will stick here for 5 more weeks, proving to myself that this theory works. I feel sad for people I see still doing the "diet journey", I am sure to see them all next year still battling it out. I am sure many will lose a great deal, maybe they are at the beginning of the journey, and I will see many that have been at it as long if not longer then me....still trying to find the magic combination. For me I am finding that it is eating 2450 cals a day.....day in and day out. For 12 weeks, Resetting my dead metabolism, reminding my body that I love it, and that I will treat it like a fine tuned machine, nourish it with wholesome healthy choices and give it all it wants....even if it means eating when I don't feel the urge.....So there it is, I am sharing because it makes me feel better and maybe someone else in here is scared, worried, FREAKING OUT. I am thankful for the encouragement that you all have given me to keep me eating at TDEE for as long as I have and recommending I stick it out for the full 3 months. I truely think it will be the best thing for me. I am so happy that I don't have to make the sacrifices I was making before, for a totally unobtainable goal. Our bodies were designed to work as efficient machines.....and I was constantly trying to re-engineer an already amazingly engineered machine.....like tossing a Camaro engine in a Pinto.....not gonna work, so I invest the time and just work on the Camaro 0
Replies
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Seriously awesome post girl! So proud of you and your new-found knowledge and strength!0
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Nicely put! Glad you've seen the light:)0
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Seriously awesome post girl! So proud of you and your new-found knowledge and strength!
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
I love you for this . you have no idea. I totoally relate to every freakin thing you just wrote . EVERYTHING. yes! ive done every diet out there, yes, ive currently put on about 10 in my reset .. but im so freakin sick of hating myself when im not starving myself. its an eating disorder and a body dysmorphic disorder. I may not have a body of a model or actress but F*** it im going to be happy with what ive got and stop the never ending cycle of starve, binge, hate myself. etc. im sending u a FR too0
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Such an amazing testimony!0
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I love you for this . you have no idea. I totoally relate to every freakin thing you just wrote . EVERYTHING. yes! ive done every diet out there, yes, ive currently put on about 10 in my reset .. but im so freakin sick of hating myself when im not starving myself. its an eating disorder and a body dysmorphic disorder. I may not have a body of a model or actress but F*** it im going to be happy with what ive got and stop the never ending cycle of starve, binge, hate myself. etc. im sending u a FR too
Got your request!!!!! Thanks for the kudos! This is a totally different journey.....never in my life would I have thought just eating would scare me to death!!!!!!!!!!!!!!0 -
I love this post! Thank you so much for sharing. :flowerforyou:0
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Another 'thank you' from me!
When I learned about EM2WL, it clicked like a light switch and I KNEW it was what my body needed... On some instinctive level, my body recognized the truth of it all. After years of thinking of food as my enemy and shaming myself for having no willpower against it, I no longer fear it and I love myself enough to take care of and nourish my body as it needs, NOT punish it, as I always had in the past! I am not freaking out. I will have the patience with myself and my body that I have not previously had.
That's what 1200 calories represents to me now... Impatience and punishment. Ugh! And now, I feel compassion and patience with myself for the first time that I can remember!0 -
This is me. I went to dinner with the hubby the other night and a plate of food almost caused a panic attack. It was big, I was hungry, and I couldn't even begin to figure out how to log it. I sat there frozen and nervous. Over food. Food. I was able to break the meal up into three separate meals but then still worried about if I ate too much. This has got to stop. I seriously can't go the rest of my life always stressing over food. I don't want to be the girl always turning down food, modifying meals, not participating in social events because of food, or better yet having those freak out days where I eat beyond fullness and just stuff myself because it's food I shouldn't have and I feel bad about eating it.
My weight loss has been sorta slow. It has taken me over a year and a half to lose 30+ lbs and I see where people are losing that in just several months. I still have about 8-10 lbs to go. I have been all over on calories. I started at 1200, went to 1500, back down to 1300, then up to 1900-2000, did spreadsheet and now eating around 1700-1850. I'm hungry. Trying not to be but none the less still hungry.
The hardest part about this is my relationship with food. My mom had food issues so I was raised with food issues. I was raised thinking that there were bad foods and good foods and if you were strong and good you ate only the good foods and if you ate the bad foods you had to fast or take laxatives to compensate. I remember sneaking food and lying about what I ate at a very early age. I wasn't heavy as a child, I was actually a normal weight until I hit college. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how you felt about food and I'm trying to get to where you are now. I thank you for writing this because it shows me that I can overcome this. That maybe I don't have to be that girl forever. Maybe I can get to a point that I can go out enjoy food and not worry the rest of the night because of what I ate or how much. I also will have to do some kind of metabolism reset because I would eventually like to eat 2000 calories a day without gaining. If you could tell me how to do one and when to do it I'd appreciate it!!0 -
Fantastic post and WAY TO GO!!!! Keep up the good work! I too had disordered eating even though I didn't realize it. I just got done with an 11 week reset (as well as a 10# gain) and still it's a mental game to learn to continue to eat and NOT freak out and think that I need to cut more calories to lose weight. For that reason alone I'm sticking with my 10% cut and I'm NOT going below that at all. I'm gonna send you a friend's request. 0
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Glad things are working out for you.0
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Awesome post! I am halfway through my reset and haven't weighed, but am sure I have gained. I have good days and bad days, but it helps to read the posts in this group and know that I am not alone. I have read your "freaking out" posts and smiled, because I was right there with you!
Isn't it wonderful to FINALLY be treating yourself with the kindness you deserve?0 -
Yes, thank you. I also think that my overeating caused me to gain weight in my mid 20's. doing everything to lose that weight, hcg, the lot. I really lost weight on HCG also lost a lot of muscle. Nothing lasted.
Unlike you, I`m in a weird place as I am not stable on my weight. Still up and down all over the place. 7 lbs up from 3 weeks ago. lose 5 lbs in one day, gain three lbs the next. The very strange thing is, I don`t feel bloated, as I usually do when I gain weight and my clothes aren`t tighter. And I am eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I eat some junk, but mostly good food. I once went 2 years without eating ice cream because I thought eating too much sweets were making me fat.
My cellulite looks better, as in there is less of it. I just don`t understand it. But since I get to eat and look better, what is the point of starving myself.?0 -
I just joined the group today and reading the post here almost makes me want to cry. You mean there is hope for me to be normal????? Some of your words are the very words I spoke to my hubby earlier. I am still trying to wrap my mind around this whole concept and yet I want it with everything inside myself. I am very afraid of gaining since I've spent the last 8 months killing myself to lose 20 lbs, but I vow to work on this and I am going to start slowly increasing my calories up to maintenance. I really question the numbers because I think I must be figuring things wrong to sit at one place for so long without losing in spite of all the exercise. I went from no regular exercise outside of some walking sporadically to now exercising 5-6 days per week (lifting 3 of those days). Everything I ever learned tells me the weight should have fell off. In 2009 I was 230 lbs, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 85 lbs in 14 months time but got tired of dieting and couldn't maintain and ended up with a gain of 40 lbs. In January I started over with MFP at 1200 calories and then started learning so I bumped up to 1600. At this level I have maintained, not on purpose, for three months now give or take a little water retention. Now I am trying to figure out why this insanity is happening (doing the same thing expecting different results) and I think I've found the answer. Thanks for sharing your stories, I hope to learn and grow-leaner that is.0
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Our bodies were designed to work as efficient machines.....and I was constantly trying to re-engineer an already amazingly engineered machine.....like tossing a Camaro engine in a Pinto.....not gonna work, so I invest the time and just work on the Camaro
Oh hells to the yes!!0 -
Be sure to follow the forums here - that is a great start. Consider going to eatmore2weighless. com and joining also. THE WHOLE THING IS THERE!!!! It is a great group and tons of support! Friend me if you have not alreadyThis is me. I went to dinner with the hubby the other night and a plate of food almost caused a panic attack. It was big, I was hungry, and I couldn't even begin to figure out how to log it. I sat there frozen and nervous. Over food. Food. I was able to break the meal up into three separate meals but then still worried about if I ate too much. This has got to stop. I seriously can't go the rest of my life always stressing over food. I don't want to be the girl always turning down food, modifying meals, not participating in social events because of food, or better yet having those freak out days where I eat beyond fullness and just stuff myself because it's food I shouldn't have and I feel bad about eating it.
My weight loss has been sorta slow. It has taken me over a year and a half to lose 30+ lbs and I see where people are losing that in just several months. I still have about 8-10 lbs to go. I have been all over on calories. I started at 1200, went to 1500, back down to 1300, then up to 1900-2000, did spreadsheet and now eating around 1700-1850. I'm hungry. Trying not to be but none the less still hungry.
The hardest part about this is my relationship with food. My mom had food issues so I was raised with food issues. I was raised thinking that there were bad foods and good foods and if you were strong and good you ate only the good foods and if you ate the bad foods you had to fast or take laxatives to compensate. I remember sneaking food and lying about what I ate at a very early age. I wasn't heavy as a child, I was actually a normal weight until I hit college. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand how you felt about food and I'm trying to get to where you are now. I thank you for writing this because it shows me that I can overcome this. That maybe I don't have to be that girl forever. Maybe I can get to a point that I can go out enjoy food and not worry the rest of the night because of what I ate or how much. I also will have to do some kind of metabolism reset because I would eventually like to eat 2000 calories a day without gaining. If you could tell me how to do one and when to do it I'd appreciate it!!0 -
YEAH! Amen to that! VERY similar story here as well.
I'm 3 weeks in to my reset. Yes, I'm up about 3-5#. I am enjoying this journey & despite feeling a little bit bloated... I know that I'm in control of things and that I know I will start to cut mid-October. I am looking forward to the Holidays (prior to- dreaded them feeling like I was a victim to food).
We can do this!
Feel free to friend me as well.
Thank you to your testimony!0 -
Another 'thank you' from me!
When I learned about EM2WL, it clicked like a light switch and I KNEW it was what my body needed... On some instinctive level, my body recognized the truth of it all. After years of thinking of food as my enemy and shaming myself for having no willpower against it, I no longer fear it and I love myself enough to take care of and nourish my body as it needs, NOT punish it, as I always had in the past! I am not freaking out. I will have the patience with myself and my body that I have not previously had.
That's what 1200 calories represents to me now... Impatience and punishment. Ugh! And now, I feel compassion and patience with myself for the first time that I can remember!
Exactly how I feel. and thank you OP, for this post. I really, really appreciate it, so encouraging for where I'm at.0
