Moving too fast
UsedToBeHusky
Posts: 15,228 Member
I am notorious for moving too fast in a relationship, meaning if I like someone, I'll have sex with them. But I suspect that this hasn't worked out too well for me in the past. And I have been wondering if men that I like have formed bad opinions of me because I had sex with them too soon. I don't do this to hold on to the guy. I do this because I like sex.
I mainly want to ask the men what opinions do you form of a woman that has sex early in the relationship? If a woman has sex early in the relationship, do you think of her as slutty and not worthy of a long-term status?
I mainly want to ask the men what opinions do you form of a woman that has sex early in the relationship? If a woman has sex early in the relationship, do you think of her as slutty and not worthy of a long-term status?
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I'm curious to hear the answer to this too.0
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I'm curious to hear the answer to this too.
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As a man, depending on the connection I have no issue with it happening early. As far back as I can recall, other than my first, every woman I slept with happened on the first or 3rd dates. One of which I married and was with for 9 years. The problem you may run into are guys that only want sex, they will get it then move on.0
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No, I don't think she is slutty and/or not relationship material.
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Keep in mind that sex is different from relationships, you can have sex without being in a relationship or wanting one. Sounds cheesy, but maybe that's all the explanation you need (people, generally, want sex).I am notorious for moving too fast in a relationship, meaning if I like someone, I'll have sex with them.
Some men do think that, some don't. I personally don't, and there are men who don't.I mainly want to ask the men what opinions do you form of a woman that has sex early in the relationship? If a woman has sex early in the relationship, do you think of her as slutty and not worthy of a long-term status?
Though I would imagine that the majority of men think less of a woman who sleeps with a man early on, especially when that man is not them (maybe not here).
Think about the kind of men who would think that, though, and how compatible they would be with you (I would expect them to be more traditional, controlling, ...).0 -
Think about the kind of men who would think that, though, and how compatible they would be with you (I would expect them to be more traditional, controlling, ...).
That's a good point. But traditional doesn't always mean controlling... and given some of my personality characteristics, this is generally the kind of guy I am attracted to.0 -
I personally like when a woman makes me wait for it.
Not for MONTHS, but yea....0 -
Good question Husky, I'm pretty sure that there isn't one answer to this.
My latest girlfriend and I had this conversations a month ago:
Me: Hey G, how long was it before you and M had sex ?
Her: Ermm, I think I lasted 8 hours......me a slapper!
Me: PMSL!
They are living together and very much in love for 3 years now
Then there are the men (and women) that DO think it's wrong and DO think you're a slapper and WON'T entertain long term relationships once you 'give it up'!!!
I wouldnt even stereotype the type of guy that thinks it's wrong. Personally, I think, the older you get, the less significant it becomes. :flowerforyou:0 -
I wait for exclusivity, which usually happens around the 6-8th week. So far, it's worked for me. No guy has given up because I didn't sleep with them. I'm also, very into sex but I prefer to get to know him a bit. This is for me. Though I'm very sexual, I also can't separate sex from my emotions (unless I'm in that mindset). Sooo for my own protection, I say no! It's hard but I can't get caught up too fast. That's way harder than temptation.0
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I think it's in the best interest of a woman who likes a guy and is interested in a relationship with him to hold out for at least awhile. This forces the relationship to focus on how well your personalities work together and gives you a chance to get to know a person. It also weeds out guys who are playing you for sex.
I'm not a jealous guy. . I never was anyway. . I don't know yet how my experience with my marriage will change that. In my case, I think it will add a lot of confidence to any future relationship if I KNOW that the woman is someone who cherishes sex as something that's part of a larger relationship.0 -
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This may happen if you have sex too soon:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIM-8DT-F_k 0 -
This may happen if you have sex too soon:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIM-8DT-F_k
That. was hysterical!! :laugh:
Fortunately for me, I can't get pregnant! :happy:0 -
They lose all respect for spelling the wrong LMAO0 -
I personally think in this case you should figure it out for YOU not for what the man may or may not think.
What do you want out of your union? just sex or a relationship?
If you want a relationship, I think the 1st date is probably a bad idea. Also, if you are an emotional person.
Probably best to get to know them a bit better to make sure you are compatible, also will help you weed out someone who only wants sex if a relationship is what you want.
If you want a FWB or a ONS have atter!0 -
It was a bit unclear, but I didn't mean that traditional is controlling, the two notions were separate in my mind and I was just listing the kind of typical behaviour you could expect from a man who has a "bad opinion" of a woman who had sex early.But traditional doesn't always mean controlling... and given some of my personality characteristics, this is generally the kind of guy I am attracted to.
I would expect these two behaviours to be found in the same man in this specific case, for different reasons:
- Controlling:
That you decide to have sex on date 1 or on date 34, as a general rule, is nobody's business. If it pleases you to do it, you do it.
If you decide to have sex on date 1 with a particular man, and this man doesn't find women who do this respectable, but this man nonetheless decides to have a long relationship with you (which makes no sense, which is why the original question made little sense to me(*) ), then don't expect respect from this man (he has a bad opinion of you).
This man will likely use this as a lever to prevent you from going out, seeing other male friends, etc. later down the line, seeing how he disapproves of your attitude => controlling.
- Traditional (read 50 years ago):
I imagine people would have waited more, so this person is most likely in in this mindset.
(*): the only way I can understand your question and make sense of it is:
"What is the current cultural norm regarding having sex with someone early on? I want and like to have sex early on, and I have pleasure in doing so.
But, if I do that, do I still have a decent chance to find a man for a LTR or will most men disrespect me for that and I will never get a good chance to find a LTR this way?"
My answer to this question is this (just quoting here):
"Some men do think that, some don't. I personally don't, and there are men who don't.
Though I would imagine that the majority of men think less of a woman who sleeps with a man early on, especially when that man is not them (maybe not [on MFP])." (the answers you get here are definitely biased, I don't think men here are really representative)
As Kimad say, you need to figure out what YOU want to do. If you value
- Sex early on more, then you will need to find a man that is accepting of that ultimately.
- LTR more (and possibly traditional men, then), because I believe most men will still form a bad opinion of this, you should wait until date 2-3+ to minimize your risk of the guy forming a bad opinion (**).
You can also do a mixture of both, but know that if a man has had to wait and finds out that you are dropping your pants early for someone else, he is absolutely going to lose all respect for you and feel like he has been cheated (you make it as if sex is precious in front of him, but with others, you have sex => you have been leading him on).
(**) Why you would go out with a man who has a bad opinion of something YOU want to do is still beyond me. Fundamentally, he doesn't like a part of YOU - the only reason why he has a high opinion of you is because you have been hiding this part of you from him.
If he knew, he would have a low opinion of you - even though he currently has a different opinion, this is still the same man we are talking about (the man you are with in a LTR now).
This is what I don't understand (although I suppose people change with time, and he would respect you for other reasons).0 -
It was a bit unclear, but I didn't mean that traditional is controlling, the two notions were separate in my mind and I was just listing the kind of typical behaviour you could expect from a man who has a "bad opinion" of a woman who had sex early.But traditional doesn't always mean controlling... and given some of my personality characteristics, this is generally the kind of guy I am attracted to.
I would expect these two behaviours to be found in the same man in this specific case, for different reasons:
- Controlling:
That you decide to have sex on date 1 or on date 34, as a general rule, is nobody's business. If it pleases you to do it, you do it.
If you decide to have sex on date 1 with a particular man, and this man doesn't find women who do this respectable, but this man nonetheless decides to have a long relationship with you (which makes no sense, which is why the original question made little sense to me(*) ), then don't expect respect from this man (he has a bad opinion of you).
This man will likely use this as a lever to prevent you from going out, seeing other male friends, etc. later down the line, seeing how he disapproves of your attitude => controlling.
- Traditional (read 50 years ago):
I imagine people would have waited more, so this person is most likely in in this mindset.
(*): the only way I can understand your question and make sense of it is:
"What is the current cultural norm regarding having sex with someone early on? I want and like to have sex early on, and I have pleasure in doing so.
But, if I do that, do I still have a decent chance to find a man for a LTR or will most men disrespect me for that and I will never get a good chance to find a LTR this way?"
My answer to this question is this (just quoting here):
"Some men do think that, some don't. I personally don't, and there are men who don't.
Though I would imagine that the majority of men think less of a woman who sleeps with a man early on, especially when that man is not them (maybe not [on MFP])." (the answers you get here are definitely biased, I don't think men here are really representative)
As Kimad say, you need to figure out what YOU want to do. If you value
- Sex early on more, then you will need to find a man that is accepting of that ultimately.
- LTR more (and possibly traditional men, then), because I believe most men will still form a bad opinion of this, you should wait until date 2-3+ to minimize your risk of the guy forming a bad opinion (**).
You can also do a mixture of both, but know that if a man has had to wait and finds out that you are dropping your pants early for someone else, he is absolutely going to lose all respect for you and feel like he has been cheated (you make it as if sex is precious in front of him, but with others, you have sex => you have been leading him on).
(**) Why you would go out with a man who has a bad opinion of something YOU want to do is still beyond me. Fundamentally, he doesn't like a part of YOU - the only reason why he has a high opinion of you is because you have been hiding this part of you from him.
If he knew, he would have a low opinion of you - even though he currently has a different opinion, this is still the same man we are talking about (the man you are with in a LTR now).
This is what I don't understand (although I suppose people change with time, and he would respect you for other reasons).
That was all super-helpful, thanks.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.0
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I always go too fast......wait.....wut?
On a serious note....It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while......but not forever either. I guess it is a delicate balance.0 -
I always go too fast......wait.....wut?
On a serious note....It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while......but not forever either. I guess it is a delicate balance.
432 hours, or so0 -
Plus teasing the hell out of each is HOT!! Me and the bf would come up with CRAZY excuses and methods to just get "close". God, it was the hottest!!0
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I really think it depends on the guy and you have to gauge that personality. However two guys I know both told me that they prefer to take it slow. However if the guy chooses to indulge he shouldn't judge you because he chose the same thing.0
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Bwahahahaha..... I once dated a guy that we waited almost 2 years..... Granted it wasn't our choice. But it was the best relationship ever, annnnnddd the best sex ever when we finally did get to.
So quit ur crying!!!! LOLOLOL just kidding.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!0 -
Bwahahahaha..... I once dated a guy that we waited almost 2 years..... Granted it wasn't our choice. But it was the best relationship ever, annnnnddd the best sex ever when we finally did get to.
So quit ur crying!!!! LOLOLOL just kidding.
Can I ask how it wasn't by choice? I'm glad you had a good experience with it. But wondering how waiting wasn't your choice?0 -
My balls would explode after two years!0
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I would like to ask the people whose perception would be impacted/would form a bad opinion why they think their perception would be impacted/why they would form a bad opinion? For what reasons?It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while...
Aside from religious people, I really can't think of many valid reasons for it as it stands. Of course, because Christian moral is the "moral foundation" of Western societies (as in: the moral on which our societies have been built for 2000 years and more), it is the default moral standard to which we all revert (even non religious people).
But it makes little sense for non religious people to do this.0 -
I would like to ask the people whose perception would be impacted/would form a bad opinion why they think their perception would be impacted/why they would form a bad opinion? For what reasons?It would impact my perception. I would expect the girl to wait at least a little while...
Aside from religious people, I really can't think of many valid reasons for it as it stands. Of course, because Christian moral is the "moral foundation" of Western societies (as in: the moral on which our societies have been built for 2000 years and more), it is the default moral standard to which we all revert (even non religious people).
But it makes little sense for non religious people to do this.
People can ascribe a lot of significance to sex for reasons other than religious ideals.
Most people say that emotionally-connected sex is better than just a physical experience. To get nude and sweaty and have fun with someone is one thing, but to then let go of all(most!) of the behavioural control one exerts in normal interactions is something quite different, and means letting someone see you at your most vulnerable, in all ways, without any of the shields and defences humans normally employ. It's an emotional minefield for many people, which requires trust to navigate, and trust takes time to build. Trust is also the foundation of a lasting relationship, in my book, so my perception of someone who rushed into sex would be that they were not being completely emotionally honest with themselves, or their partner, which (for me) would be indicative that they weren't ready (or looking for) a longer term relationship.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.0 -
The too fast perception is the problem--what is too fast? In an era where you can talk / text / email / IM for days/week/months you can get to "know" someone without meetjing them. Of course, when you can meet there can be no chemistry or whatever, but if you have been talking awhile, and then you meet and the chemistry is there............having sex within a couple dates maybe be different than years ago, when people "courted" each other and took months just to get to know them.........0
