So what's the difference? (Single vs Divorced)
Replies
-
Well I'm guessing it doesn't allow you to choose multiple options though? Let's say I'm half white, half Hispanic...does that mean I have to be either Caucasian OR Hispanic just because the Census Bureau only lets me choose one? My point is things aren't always black or white.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.0 -
Interesting discussion. I suppose it has to do with the stigma of being either single or divorced. Which one carries the most baggage for you? Of course it will all come out eventually, but why put yourself in a bad light if you can avoid it? And this also depends on age. A 29 year old divorced man/woman may just want to wait a bit before springing "recently divorced" on a new crush. At my age, it's pretty much expected.
Of course I never thought my marriage would end in divorce, I really tried hard to save it, so when it ultimately ended, I seemed like a failure. And I suppose defining myself now as "divorced" implies I'm a failure at something, and I hate that.
On the other hand, it was this fear of failure - and two wonderful kids who I didn't want to hurt - that kept me in a doomed marriage well past the "sell by" date.... Later I realised it was harder for the kids when my ex-wife and I remained married. But that's not how I saw it in the beginning. And meeting someone for the first time, I always hate to lead with, "Hi, I'm Prahasaurus, a failure in my only marriage. What's your name?" :-)
However, as previously noted, at my age, most women just assume I'm divorced - or married and lying... :-) If I say I'm single, they will just assume I was previously married. I think there is almost a greater stigma to a man over 40 who has never married, anyway. Or at least never been in a long term relationship that was more or less the equivalent of marriage...
--P0 -
Well I'm guessing it doesn't allow you to choose multiple options though? Let's say I'm half white, half Hispanic...does that mean I have to be either Caucasian OR Hispanic just because the Census Bureau only lets me choose one? My point is things aren't always black or white.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
There are numerous ethnicity categories including white nonhispanic, white and hispanic, black nonhispanic, etc. You can also choose multiple races.0 -
...church had nothing to do with the question.
To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.
Interesting you guys read it that way. Originally, I only mentioned the church group because it was an explanation for why I was out with a bunch of men (if I'm in a relationship). Even after realizing I took the part out about them all being men (because I didn't want people to get all upset thinking this is a JJ hates men question) I still don't read it as a church problem. But at least now I know you guys do. Thanks.
Settle down, now. I didn't say that. I just pointed out that you were talking about speaking with people from church.
People from all walks of life use someone's past experiences to judge their present character. I get it - what else are you supposed to use with someone you don't know? You can't just get to know everyone, can you?
Being someone with a somewhat, errr...."questionable" past myself, I am always worried about this. In my experience, no one has ever decided to cut me off when I open up to them, but I still worry.
I personally think that people can use failure as an amazing learning tool. Of course the person needs to be able to view their part in the failure and be willing to make a change for the better. I would argue that these people can become even more aware of themselves and the world after having experienced this either first hand or indirectly through loved ones or other close observation. However, I constantly see advice given to avoid people with certain failures in their ledger.0 -
I imagine in a church context, those who said that a divorced person is 'technically' not single adhere to the doctrine under which divorce is not recognised by the church, but only by the state, so in church terms, a person is still married regardless of their civil status, once they have entered into that union. If that's the case, and those in the dating pool of that group are very religious, it's only fair to make the distinction between divorced and single.
Would it matter to me? Yes, I think it probably would. Not for the reason above at all, but because divorced implies that there are, or at least are likely to be, other people with some interest/agenda/influence regarding a potential new relationship. There may well be kids in the mix, and I'd expect there to be some emotional baggage, especially if the divorce is recent. All of these things are factors I'd want to know about and be able to consider up front. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker, necessarily, though I'd ideally rather be the first (and only!) marriage for my eventual husband, but I'd want to know what I was getting into, and 'single' doesn't tell enough of the story in that case.
ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.0 -
ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.
It depends... did their spouse die in a tragic boating "accident" and inherit a millionaire's estate?
I think I could date a murderer for the right boat.0 -
One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single.
Interesting thinking here. This person thinks that once you're married, you're never single again? That implies that you can never be in another relationship. Never love again. Never form a family with someone else?
Must admit, that kind of thinking is definitely churchy!! As in the eyes of the church you cannot marry again once divorced.
However, as the convo isnt about church, from my point of view, I think you're single again when you've divorced. It holds no implication of being tied to an ex whatsoever. No more so than if you were with someone for 12 years and didnt marry. Or you had children out of wedlock. We live in a day and age where all of this is commonplace, so I really dont make a judgement on it.
What I DO make a judgement on is how long someone has been separated from a long term ex. There's a period of time that I think needs to settle before one is 'ready' to get serious again. Although, it's never stopped me dating a separated guy, I am cautious that there might still be issues. But, you know, you have to judge each person individually, not as a collective standard.0 -
I think that people spend way too much time worrying about shit that doesn't matter.0
-
ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.
Well, I think a widow/er is different to a divorcee. Insofar as, the relationship ended through tragedy, not choice. This distinction would naturally affect all sorts of emotions and relationship dynamics. I'd want to know.
Having said that, I think time is a great healer and really should be taken into account in every respect.0 -
If you are not legally or emotionally connected to another person, then you are single.0
-
I've been going to church since I was born. I didn't have time to give a full answer, but according to a lot of churches, if your ex is still alive, then you are not to be married again. They do have a loophole for those who were "abandoned" due to infidelity, but even then, it's looked down upon. They may be the most gracious people in the world, and may never say anything to the person who gets divorced and remarried, but divorced people in many churches aren't supposed to hold positions of authority. Granted, I grew up in a more conservative denomination, but that is what I have heard since I was young. I am now part of a mainstream denomination, but I still hear conversations about this very topic. A friend of mine who is 35 and divorced has a hard time finding Christian women to date because of his past, which I personally think is ridiculous. The idea that one is not single if divorced is definitely a "church" idea. The rest of the world may want to know if someone is divorced, but it's not going to be a matter of rejection or judgment of that person's "single" status.
Casta, as noted above, this distinction only applies if the ex-spouse is still living. Widow(er)s are perfectly free to remarry, according to the church ;-)
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy church. I just don't think it's helpful to act like the church is never wrong.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it
I guess it depends what you want.
I want to be married one day as I never have been before and it's important to me.
With my kids dad, he took over 7 years to get divorced so had we have wanted to take the plunge we couldn't have. Then I went on to date another seperated man and he had no interest to divorce - so unable to marry also. I just find becuase I want marriage it makes no sense, and a man/women who isn't divorced really has some things to deal with and I am not being apart of that again. Both men I dated had alot of issues, including big $$ ones, that I won't partake in... but I know not all are that way. Just my experiences which have formed my boundary of same.0 -
If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.
But you have to be married before you can be divorced. Ergo, saying you were "married and divorced" is superfluous.
--P
Ah, yes it is. Emphasis meant to be on WAS vs. AM. I was divorced (an event that happened in the past) instead of I am divorced (defining myself by my marital state). I could be quite possible the only human on earth who thinks this way :bigsmile: .0 -
I've been going to church since I was born. I didn't have time to give a full answer, but according to a lot of churches, if your ex is still alive, then you are not to be married again. They do have a loophole for those who were "abandoned" due to infidelity, but even then, it's looked down upon. They may be the most gracious people in the world, and may never say anything to the person who gets divorced and remarried, but divorced people in many churches aren't supposed to hold positions of authority. Granted, I grew up in a more conservative denomination, but that is what I have heard since I was young. I am now part of a mainstream denomination, but I still hear conversations about this very topic. A friend of mine who is 35 and divorced has a hard time finding Christian women to date because of his past, which I personally think is ridiculous. The idea that one is not single if divorced is definitely a "church" idea. The rest of the world may want to know if someone is divorced, but it's not going to be a matter of rejection or judgment of that person's "single" status.
Casta, as noted above, this distinction only applies if the ex-spouse is still living. Widow(er)s are perfectly free to remarry, according to the church ;-)
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy church. I just don't think it's helpful to act like the church is never wrong.
By "church," I assume you mean the old men who have risen to power within the religious establishment of a particular "faith," and hence get to cherry pick which parts of the Bible they deem valid:
Eating aquatic creatures lacking fins and scales (Deuteronomy 14:9-10)? Um, I guess that's ok now, since I love popcorn shrimp. Just ignore that passage!
Wearing clothing woven of more than one kind of cloth (Leviticus 19:19)? Yeah, forget that one, too. In fact, just skip over Leviticus and Deuteronomy entirely. The church has spoken!
Wait, hot lesbian sex???? Yuck, no way!
Over 50% of US marriages end in divorce. But some "churches" don't consider those divorces valid? OMG WHO THE HELL CARES??!?!
--P
Edit: I've just read that the Bible specifically prohibits *male* homosexuality, but is suspiciously silent on female homosexuality. So I stand corrected, the "church" should not have an opinion on hot lesbian sex one way or another. At least based on the Bible. Unless, of course, the "church" is just making it up as it goes along. In that case, it may be frowned upon.0 -
If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.
But you have to be married before you can be divorced. Ergo, saying you were "married and divorced" is superfluous.
--P
Ah, yes it is. Emphasis meant to be on WAS vs. AM. I was divorced (an event that happened in the past) instead of I am divorced (defining myself by my marital state). I could be quite possible the only human on earth who thinks this way :bigsmile: .
This is good!!0 -
If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.
But you have to be married before you can be divorced. Ergo, saying you were "married and divorced" is superfluous.
--P
Ah, yes it is. Emphasis meant to be on WAS vs. AM. I was divorced (an event that happened in the past) instead of I am divorced (defining myself by my marital state). I could be quite possible the only human on earth who thinks this way :bigsmile: .
Aha. This actually makes sense to me now... Completely logical. Carry on. ;-)
--P0 -
I've been going to church since I was born. I didn't have time to give a full answer, but according to a lot of churches, if your ex is still alive, then you are not to be married again. They do have a loophole for those who were "abandoned" due to infidelity, but even then, it's looked down upon. They may be the most gracious people in the world, and may never say anything to the person who gets divorced and remarried, but divorced people in many churches aren't supposed to hold positions of authority. Granted, I grew up in a more conservative denomination, but that is what I have heard since I was young. I am now part of a mainstream denomination, but I still hear conversations about this very topic. A friend of mine who is 35 and divorced has a hard time finding Christian women to date because of his past, which I personally think is ridiculous. The idea that one is not single if divorced is definitely a "church" idea. The rest of the world may want to know if someone is divorced, but it's not going to be a matter of rejection or judgment of that person's "single" status.
Casta, as noted above, this distinction only applies if the ex-spouse is still living. Widow(er)s are perfectly free to remarry, according to the church ;-)
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy church. I just don't think it's helpful to act like the church is never wrong.
By "church," I assume you mean the old men who have risen to power within the religious establishment of a particular "faith," and hence get to cherry pick which parts of the Bible they deem valid:
Eating aquatic creatures lacking fins and scales (Deuteronomy 14:9-10)? Um, I guess that's ok now, since I love popcorn shrimp. Just ignore that passage!
Wearing clothing woven of more than one kind of cloth (Leviticus 19:19)? Yeah, forget that one, too. In fact, just skip over Leviticus and Deuteronomy entirely. The church has spoken!
Wait, hot lesbian sex???? Yuck, no way!
Over 50% of US marriages end in divorce. But some "churches" don't consider those divorces valid? OMG WHO THE HELL CARES??!?!
--P
Edit: I've just read that the Bible specifically prohibits *male* homosexuality, but is suspiciously silent on female homosexuality. So I stand corrected, the "church" should not have an opinion on hot lesbian sex one way or another. At least based on the Bible. Unless, of course, the "church" is just making it up as it goes along. In that case, it may be frowned upon.
Never mind0 -
I like to know if a person is single vs. divorced. It just gives an insight as to what life experiences that person has been through, as well as what obligations they may still have.
I have asked men if their divorce is final because, especially online, many men will indicate they are divorced when they are in fact in the middle of the divorce proceedings. In VA you must be separated for a year before filing for the divorce, so a lot of men change that status to "divorced" once the proceedings start. My general rule is that I will not date a separated man. Simply stated, it is hard to start a new chapter when you haven't closed out an old one. There are a lot of emotional issues as the fights between the two that I just don't want to be a part of. THAT SAID, I've been dating a separated man since April. His status was blank and I questioned him on our second date. I didn't accept a third date, however we remained friends and a romance blossomed in July. Things happen and I have never been happier with a man. So, you just never know. Yes, he has a TON of crap to go through, but if we can make it through this together, than there's not much else we can't make it through.0
