My spine has left me and I need to vent.
projectxreborn
Posts: 204
If you don't feel in the mood to listen to some good old fashioned whining and complaining
then read no further. I, however, need to vent badly, and writing is the best way I know how.
I could have just written in a journal but a journal will not really respond and tell you to get
over yourself and start over.
The thing is, on April 2 of this year (2013), I weighed 301 pounds, excited to fit into a few things
in my closet, starting to feel better, knowing I was finally going to leave the 3's behind.
This morning I weighed myself and I am sickened to know that I am now 354.
Fifty three pounds in eight months? That is a crazy new record for me and one that
I am definitely not proud of. I have been wanting to get on track for weeks but avoiding coming back
here. I honestly don't know why I do this...I want help badly, I want to lose weight badly and yet I keep
doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen. I am letting my year membership waste away
at the gym and I have been eating horrendous amounts of chip and dip, chocolate and Mcdonalds
for weeks and weeks, especially during the last few months.
I have gone up and down in the same 10-15 pounds dozens of times in the last few years but this
is the first time I have really surpassed those levels in my weight gain in a long time. I want to mention
that I have had a very stressful year...No I know that is not an excuse, many people have stressful lives
but still manage to lose weight...but when I am stressed I tend either to not care about my goals anymore
and stuff my face or am just generally wanting a quick "fix" of comfort. I know I am a food addict and have
known for a while. The stresses in my life are ones that I can't control and it gets to me big time. My parents
are slowly dying in front of my eyes, and the other is that of my son. He is 12 and a year and a half ago he
survived a traumatic brain injury (thanks to God's healing!) from a sledding accident. He is about 90% back to normal - his normal- but
there are issues that have come because of it and the most that he will heal will happen within the first two years.
He now has a very quick temper (he was very mellow before), bad memory, low attention span, very unmotivated to do things like shower or drink water, take care of himself or look after his pets. It takes me at least 15-20 min each time to convince him to get into the shower. And then he won't get out...he won't go to bed, then he won't get out of bed, won't take his medicines, and on and on.
This past term at school he had 98 lates!
He is so scared people will find out he has had a brain injury that he has had a lot of depression over the last few
months and we made sure to get him some help. The thing is, with this brain injury, he looks like the same kid but
there is so much different in his attitude/emotions now. He is hiding things like I just found out he can't remember
how to tie his shoes. He was too embarrassed to tell me. I feel so badly that he feels he has to keep all this secret. Basically
I am out of control eating because of stress of him arguing with me all the time. I don't know how to handle it any other way.
I can't just leave and go to the gym and leave him home alone. He is not okay enough to be home alone yet. I have tried
to encourage him to be more active with me but that even gets an even bigger argument. It is constant conflict here and it is
affecting our whole family.
During this time I have broken my wrist, sprained my back badly (took six weeks to recover) and had two very bad bouts of flu.
I am distracted, stressed, and unmotivated. And angry! Angry at myself for giving in to the same old actions of turning to food again. I want to break this cycle once and for all. We have had some help recently from the brain injury outreach team here
and they have been so kind and helpful. One of the staff picks my son up from school twice a week and takes him out for and
hour for "de-stress" time at another school where there is a kid's program of exercise games/activities. It is just the rest of the
week that I need to get a handle on! I want my son to be happy and healthy and need to get things in gear here.
I guess I just wanted to vent, like I said. I know no one else can give me the willpower or determination to do this, it has to come from me. I have been praying a lot and I know this will pass eventually. God does not want us unhealthy, depressed and wallowing in self pity. He has done so much for us and for my son that I trust He will do as he says. I choose to believe Him
when He says He will never leave us or forsake us. I guess I just need to stop focusing on my failures and remember His successes.
Okay...fresh start here we come. Thanks for listening.
then read no further. I, however, need to vent badly, and writing is the best way I know how.
I could have just written in a journal but a journal will not really respond and tell you to get
over yourself and start over.
The thing is, on April 2 of this year (2013), I weighed 301 pounds, excited to fit into a few things
in my closet, starting to feel better, knowing I was finally going to leave the 3's behind.
This morning I weighed myself and I am sickened to know that I am now 354.
Fifty three pounds in eight months? That is a crazy new record for me and one that
I am definitely not proud of. I have been wanting to get on track for weeks but avoiding coming back
here. I honestly don't know why I do this...I want help badly, I want to lose weight badly and yet I keep
doing everything I can to make sure it doesn't happen. I am letting my year membership waste away
at the gym and I have been eating horrendous amounts of chip and dip, chocolate and Mcdonalds
for weeks and weeks, especially during the last few months.
I have gone up and down in the same 10-15 pounds dozens of times in the last few years but this
is the first time I have really surpassed those levels in my weight gain in a long time. I want to mention
that I have had a very stressful year...No I know that is not an excuse, many people have stressful lives
but still manage to lose weight...but when I am stressed I tend either to not care about my goals anymore
and stuff my face or am just generally wanting a quick "fix" of comfort. I know I am a food addict and have
known for a while. The stresses in my life are ones that I can't control and it gets to me big time. My parents
are slowly dying in front of my eyes, and the other is that of my son. He is 12 and a year and a half ago he
survived a traumatic brain injury (thanks to God's healing!) from a sledding accident. He is about 90% back to normal - his normal- but
there are issues that have come because of it and the most that he will heal will happen within the first two years.
He now has a very quick temper (he was very mellow before), bad memory, low attention span, very unmotivated to do things like shower or drink water, take care of himself or look after his pets. It takes me at least 15-20 min each time to convince him to get into the shower. And then he won't get out...he won't go to bed, then he won't get out of bed, won't take his medicines, and on and on.
This past term at school he had 98 lates!
He is so scared people will find out he has had a brain injury that he has had a lot of depression over the last few
months and we made sure to get him some help. The thing is, with this brain injury, he looks like the same kid but
there is so much different in his attitude/emotions now. He is hiding things like I just found out he can't remember
how to tie his shoes. He was too embarrassed to tell me. I feel so badly that he feels he has to keep all this secret. Basically
I am out of control eating because of stress of him arguing with me all the time. I don't know how to handle it any other way.
I can't just leave and go to the gym and leave him home alone. He is not okay enough to be home alone yet. I have tried
to encourage him to be more active with me but that even gets an even bigger argument. It is constant conflict here and it is
affecting our whole family.
During this time I have broken my wrist, sprained my back badly (took six weeks to recover) and had two very bad bouts of flu.
I am distracted, stressed, and unmotivated. And angry! Angry at myself for giving in to the same old actions of turning to food again. I want to break this cycle once and for all. We have had some help recently from the brain injury outreach team here
and they have been so kind and helpful. One of the staff picks my son up from school twice a week and takes him out for and
hour for "de-stress" time at another school where there is a kid's program of exercise games/activities. It is just the rest of the
week that I need to get a handle on! I want my son to be happy and healthy and need to get things in gear here.
I guess I just wanted to vent, like I said. I know no one else can give me the willpower or determination to do this, it has to come from me. I have been praying a lot and I know this will pass eventually. God does not want us unhealthy, depressed and wallowing in self pity. He has done so much for us and for my son that I trust He will do as he says. I choose to believe Him
when He says He will never leave us or forsake us. I guess I just need to stop focusing on my failures and remember His successes.
Okay...fresh start here we come. Thanks for listening.
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Replies
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wow! it sounds like you have a lot going on!! The first step to change is admitting you have a problem and acknowledging it!! you've done that so it’s downhill from there
I started at my highest weight ever…. 375… I was kidding myself and refused to step on a scale for months.. until one day I realized my “fat” pants were cutting off my circulation…
I am a food addict too... I can stress eat with the best of them! I have had to try and re-wire myself the actually THINK about what I’m putting in my mouth and I have to stop and determine if this will help me in my journey or will it set me back... Logging with MFP has helped tremendously!! I try to pre log everything even treats to know how many calories are in them and if it’s worth the calories. If our office has a food day I like to just LOOK at the calories prior to eating it 1) make myself think about what I'm eating and 2) determine if it’s even something I want to waste calories on I have been using MFP since June 25 and haven't missed a day since! I might not log everything (especially over the holidays) but i log the majority of it.
The hardest part for me wasn't the exercising... (I’m up to 5 times a day for a least 45 minutes, when I started out I could barely walk up my stairs without stopping) it was getting the eating under control. I always thought that I just can't lose weight and I was not being honest with myself about the amount I was eating! I look back now at what I was eating during a given day and am HORRIFIED about how many calories I was consuming and not even thinking about it!!
I know your son is having a rough patch right now.. but try leading by example! Start working out and eating better, once he sees you feeling good and looking good he might be more willing to try it with you! And if you feel better you'll be in a better position and state of mine to help him moods are contagious!!
Ultimately this is something you have to decide to do for yourself.. in the past I have always tried to lose weight for other people, my family, my boyfriend etc... but I've always gained it back plus some.. this time I’ve chosen do to it for ME and no one else.. this time I don't see it coming back because I'm learning how to lose weight without dieting
You can do this feel free to add me for support!! Good luck!0 -
You have had a hard year. I am sorry to hear about the troubles with your son. It must be a very challenging time for both of you. Remember, do not be afraid, God is with us.
Five years ago I became clinically depressed. I put on 84lbs in six months, broke contact with all my friends and essentially became housebound. I've put on 28lbs every year since then, topping out at a max 409lbs. I am a binge eater. I also self harm. Three years ago my mother got very sick and I moved home to help nurse her. In September this year my sister suggested I try MFP. I didn't even want to lose weight, but I was concerned that I soon wouldn't be able to look after my mother (I'm only 5ft and my health has been really bad the last couple of years). I log in every day and I pre log my food for the week so I know what I can eat (and change it during the day if needs be). I don't deny myself anything, but I like to keep my food in the green bar on the MFP app, so it keeps me under my calorie goals. So far, when I've been stressed and wanted to binge, I have made one rule in that I have to log it all. Once I start logging the foods (before I eat them) and see how it will take me into the red, it has been enough to stop me from actually binging.
I also wrote out the words Joy and Gratitude on two pieces of paper and stuck them to my bedroom door so I see them every morning when I leave my room. I try to focus on all the things I have to be thankful for and happy about. My life hasn't changed - I'm still depressed, hardly ever leave the house and have to look after my mother, but I am now 34lbs down and my health is improving.
My point is - you can lose weight with all these struggles you are having. I know life is hard, but why make it harder for yourself by piling on pounds? Log everyday and try and eat a little less. The days will go by anyway, and before you know it you will be many pounds lighter and feeling much better because of it.0 -
You might try tooling around the groups and forums to see if there is a group specifically for moms of difficult teenagers? I know your son is only 12 and has some special challenges beyond the typical teenager experience and I'm not discounting that AT ALL, but a lot of the experience you're describing and the effect that it has on YOU sounds very similar to what I hear from moms with difficult teenage boys. Other moms with similar issues -- coming from a different place, I understand -- might have some valuable experience and tips to share with you for how to handle the pressure and give yourself permission to take care of yourself.0
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So sorry you had such a difficult year, I work within mental health and addictions with teenagers and I know how challenging this can be, welcome and good luck on your journey. I will keep your son in my thoughts and pray that he makes a full recovery from his tbi0
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Thanks for all the kind advice and sharing your struggles. I was too chicken to come back on here for 3 weeks
and see if anyone replied because I didn't want to face "shame on you" comments, but it was a nice surprise
to see how supportive and helpful you've been. Thank you for the good advice and new ideas! :flowerforyou:0 -
So glad you came back! Most of us have been where you are weight-wise (losing and regaining), so we understand. Just try to make small changes, one at a time. And be sure to give yourself credit for your accomplishments! You're surviving daily situations more difficult than many of us ever even have to face. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.Thanks for all the kind advice and sharing your struggles. I was too chicken to come back on here for 3 weeks
and see if anyone replied because I didn't want to face "shame on you" comments, but it was a nice surprise
to see how supportive and helpful you've been. Thank you for the good advice and new ideas! :flowerforyou:0 -
It sounds like you've had a really rough year. HUGS
You've received a lot of great advice here, and I would echo what has been said. I think that it is imperative that you find some resources in your area to help YOU. You are your son's care giver, but that doesn't mean you don't need someone to take care of you, and help you.
One suggestion on the stress front, that I have been trying myself. When I get the urge to binge because of emotions, boredom, stress, etc. I do something else - like walk up the stairs a few times, go for a walk, etc. By the time I'm done (and winded especially with the stairs!) I realize how many times I'd have to do that to recoup the extra calories and say forget it, it's not worth it!
Also, are there any type of message boards that are geared towards what you are experiencing with your son? If so, you may want to join and post there; sometimes speaking with people who are going through the same struggles can help us de-stress but also give us strategies to help us (as is evident with MFP and weight loss/health).
To conclude I just wanted to give one more HUG!:flowerforyou:0
