"Chasing" in Dating

2

Replies

  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    I am just too proud to chase. Maybe I have missed out on some great guys, but if I put it out there that I like him and he is not interested enough to go for it, then I don't have the time to convince him. There are plenty of options out there, and I am honestly quite happy being single, so why try to chase someone who in all likelihood isn't right for me?

    Exactly!!! I love the "if I put it out there that I like him and he is not interested enough to go for it, I don't have time to convince him" part! So true! LOVE IT!
    I texted him so he'd have my number and he has failed to put it to use. I think he's hoping I'll chase him but that's probably not gonna happen lol.

    I don't chase or expect to be chased. If there's a connection, I just assume we'll both act on it accordingly.

    lol he must be hoping you'll chase him! What guy "hopes" for that though? If you like each other you like each other. There shouldn't be games!

    You gals/guys are awesome! :drinker:
    I think he's hoping I'll chase him but that's probably not gonna happen lol.

    ETA: I think that's this guy's deal too. He was showing A LOT of interest initially, then backed off for whatever (or no) reason. Sorry but that's not going to make me go out of my way and pull teeth to make you show interest again. If that's what he's expecting and thinking "well I was chasing her now it's her turn"?? then....just, no. It's not the kindergarten playground. That's not the way to go about it. But who knows. I was showing interest too until he backed off so...oh well! :glasses:
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    Things like this is why I usually refrain from being in relationships lol. Too many games.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
    I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?

    Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.

    If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.

    After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?

    Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.

    If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.

    After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.
    I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
    Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.

    Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.

    Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:

    I'm pretty sure we are the same type of person haha. Moving on sucks, especially when you're really into him, but everything will work out for you in the end. Don't worry. <3
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member
    I think a lot depends on the kind of partner you want too. I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?

    Guys always tell me that they want women to initiate contact and take the lead in the relationship, but I've, personally, found that anytime I've done that they run and find someone they can "chase." May just be the type of guy I like. Twice I told a guy first how much I cared for him and his interest in me dried up immediately. Other times a guy started out interested, but as his interest waned so did his contact. If we weren't formally in a "relationship" (and by that I mean *he* confirmed a relationship not just "we went out 3 times so we must be boyfriend/girlfriend), then I just moved on. Contrast that with BB who (even though we're ring-shopping) still chases me, still plans most of our outings, and still pays my way, still surprises me. And it makes me happy. OTOH there are other "chasing" things he doesn't do (and never did) like the good morning texts and such. It's all about what you want from a relationship and what makes you happy.

    If I may just throw out a warning regarding chasing / being chased: There was a guy I never actually went out with because he turned me off by constantly text/emailing. I had no desire to keep up with that kind of volume and his constant "why haven't you responded, are you mad at me" every 3rd text. No matter how many times I told him I worked in a secure faculty, and didn't GET the messages except at lunch and the end of the day, he constantly worried that something was wrong. I don't have time or patience to deal with all that insecurity.

    After we finally agreed we weren't right for each other, I asked him why he was so active because there was no way he could sustain that kind of behavior long term. He told me it's what a guy has to do in the beginning of a relationship or else the girl thinks he's not interested. He didn't realize he made me think he was insecure and needy. He was just trying to get a date and, from his perspective, that kind of attention wouldn't be needed once we met. So, if you're constantly emailing/texting/calling your love interest, you might be giving the wrong impression.
    I suppose if one likes a really shy type of partner, they'd need to do most of the chasing to draw him/her out and show you really are interested?
    Yeah I'm not sure about that with this one. It's possible that he is a bit shy...or that he thought he was doing all of the calling/texting initially, and didn't feel it was reciprocated. I think he called/texted a reasonable amount of the time and it made me comfortable and happy when he did, so I guess I didn't necessarily feel the need to initiate contact even though I did here and there. His contacting me wasn't nonstop constantly but it was a perfect amount I thought...then maybe it died down because he wanted to see if I would take the lead or maybe he wasn't sure how I felt? I don't know and I hate these games and wondering/not knowing. That's good that you had that talk with the guy who was strongly pursuing you (in the last paragraph). He actually owned up to it that he wouldn't do it once you met though? Well that kinda sucks! I would like to have a talk with this guy too and just see what his deal is but I don't know...I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place now. I texted him yesterday after a few days of no contact and I just said "Hey what's up? How have you been?" with no response. That should tell me all I need to know...but I'm the kind of person that has to "fix" everything or see why it happened. I understand it shouldn't matter, that he's obviously not right for me, but I always just "HAVE" to know and it kills me! I know it's ridiculous.

    Thanks so much for your long response. :flowerforyou:

    My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    I'm pretty sure we are the same type of person haha. Moving on sucks, especially when you're really into him, but everything will work out for you in the end. Don't worry. <3

    Haha well good to know there are likeminded people out there! Thank you! :smile:
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member

    My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.

    kimad: You were right! LOL He finally called yesterday because I texted him one last time yesterday (against the advice of my girlfriends) saying that I don't know what happened but I really liked him and I hope he's feeling better. (He has been sick). I also said that if he didn't respond this time I would take the hint. Then of course he called. So he didn't back off to see if I took the lead...he likes me (even told his brother about me...allegedly...) and wanted to get to know me which is why he was calling so much initially...but now he realized he "let off the gas pedal" a bit and pretty much said that he hasn't been in a relationship for so long and isn't sure that he wants the commitment. Which to me is guy-speak for "He's Just Not That Into You". We had a nice talk for a half hour about other/random things too and he told me to keep in touch...I might, might not...not sure yet. But not sticking my neck out anymore. Moving right along with my search! :smile:

    I really appreciate everyone's responses and input! :flowerforyou:
  • AnnaPixie
    AnnaPixie Posts: 7,444 Member
    Hey Lauren, I'm glad he called and at least explained himself. :flowerforyou:

    I had the same happen to me last year when a guy I was seeing just couldnt handle a relationship. Lots of reasons - his work, his kid, the distance between us..... I do believe him and honestly think that relationships are all about timing. There's no point beating yourself up thinking he's not into you. I just think there are times in one's life when a relationship is not a priority. His loss!!
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,011 Member

    My gut feeling tells me he didn't back off to see if you took the lead. If he was really interested then he would have just done what he was always doing ... or if times got busy it may have slacked, but picked back up.. If you texted him and he didn't respond, I don't think there is anything to figure out, I think you walk away with your head held high. Chalk it up to another learning experience. Hugs.

    kimad: You were right! LOL He finally called yesterday because I texted him one last time yesterday (against the advice of my girlfriends) saying that I don't know what happened but I really liked him and I hope he's feeling better. (He has been sick). I also said that if he didn't respond this time I would take the hint. Then of course he called. So he didn't back off to see if I took the lead...he likes me (even told his brother about me...allegedly...) and wanted to get to know me which is why he was calling so much initially...but now he realized he "let off the gas pedal" a bit and pretty much said that he hasn't been in a relationship for so long and isn't sure that he wants the commitment. Which to me is guy-speak for "He's Just Not That Into You". We had a nice talk for a half hour about other/random things too and he told me to keep in touch...I might, might not...not sure yet. But not sticking my neck out anymore. Moving right along with my search! :smile:

    I really appreciate everyone's responses and input! :flowerforyou:

    If you hadn't have sent that last text you may never have heard back, but, I give the guy props for calling you. We all have a way with words when we don't know what to say/are uncomfortable but he was man enough to do it. That says a lot about him, IMO. I have met more on the other side of the spectrum, vanish into thin air forever, after a lot more dates than 2. Glad you are moving on and keeping on, good luck!
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    So he didn't back off to see if I took the lead...he likes me (even told his brother about me...allegedly...)

    My guy told me he had asked his cousin about me and then failed to text/call me once we swapped numbers. That's led me to have the same "he says this but it could all be a lie" mindset too! lol. I just can't seem to trust anything that most men say.
    There's no point beating yourself up thinking he's not into you. I just think there are times in one's life when a relationship is not a priority. His loss!!

    Definitely true. I was talking to a guy who was so obsessed with working out and his body that he couldn't make time for me, even though he kept telling me how much he liked me and blah, blah, blah.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,344 Member
    in the past i used to chase guys but i never really respected them in the morning :laugh:

    chasing is fine for me if i were looking for something more temporary like a fling, but for actual potential relationships i like guys who are a bit more dominant than me. plus it's just been my experience that guys who are really interested in me will pretty much move heaven and earth to contact me and make plans

    ETA. I dont particularly like being chased either. if i'm interested then there's no need to chase me.
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    in the past i used to chase guys but i never really respected them in the morning :laugh:

    chasing is fine for me if i were looking for something more temporary like a fling, but for actual potential relationships i like guys who are a bit more dominant than me. plus it's just been my experience that guys who are really interested in me will pretty much move heaven and earth to contact me and make plans

    ETA. I dont particularly like being chased either. if i'm interested then there's no need to chase me.

    LOL "never really respected them in the morning" :laugh: That's so true though!! I also prefer the man to have a dominant personality and it shouldn't really matter if he's the one doing the chasing. He should want to.
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    If you hadn't have sent that last text you may never have heard back, but, I give the guy props for calling you. We all have a way with words when we don't know what to say/are uncomfortable but he was man enough to do it. That says a lot about him, IMO. I have met more on the other side of the spectrum, vanish into thin air forever, after a lot more dates than 2. Glad you are moving on and keeping on, good luck!

    I agree that I probably wouldn't have heard anything after that. I think the fact that I was honest and straight-up with him and told him "Look, I really like you" so as to quell any guessing games may have helped or prompted him to respond. I think it says a lot about him too that he told me what his issue was/is and I thanked him for telling me and said it was good that we talked. He's definitely not a jerk like I have dealt with in the past too (the COMPLETE vanishing act as you said). I think I'll keep in touch with him here and there now that the pressure is off and I'm not stressing about contact anymore. If we hang out cool, if not, that's okay too, we're still both doing our own thing. Life goes on. :smile:

    Also thank you AnnaPixie and bd0027. I agree with both of you as well! :flowerforyou:
  • Hey if you really like the guy you should let it be known. I don't mind it when girls approach me at all, its flatterring . But when I approach them its a bit more of a thrill. Either way is just fine with me. But I abhor the games, I really hate game players. If you are genuinely interested in someone just tell them. I'm always straight forward and I tell the girls right away..."Hey I'm a straight forward guy so I tend to call or text if I'm thinking of you. Please don't be shy and contact me anytime you want" sometimes its bad though, if I'm busy for a few days or so....she'll believe that I haven't given her any thought. But that isn't always the case. We're in our mid to late 20s +, if someone chooses to still play games I just move on. Life's to short. When did dating become so hard lol? Oh but I have found that in my experience, the girls that chase guys or approach, normally don't last long as girlfriends. Not sure why though, its like your lifestyles don't match or something? Thats if they make it past the one week of fun stage. Usually someone cuts out. Its just weird, lol so most times I'd like to approach but I don't rule out the other choice either.
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    No problem. (:
  • laurenz2501
    laurenz2501 Posts: 853 Member
    Hey if you really like the guy you should let it be known. I don't mind it when girls approach me at all, its flatterring . But when I approach them its a bit more of a thrill. Either way is just fine with me. But I abhor the games, I really hate game players. If you are genuinely interested in someone just tell them. I'm always straight forward and I tell the girls right away..."Hey I'm a straight forward guy so I tend to call or text if I'm thinking of you. Please don't be shy and contact me anytime you want" sometimes its bad though, if I'm busy for a few days or so....she'll believe that I haven't given her any thought. But that isn't always the case. We're in our mid to late 20s +, if someone chooses to still play games I just move on. Life's to short. When did dating become so hard lol?
    Oh but I have found that in my experience, the girls that chase guys or approach, normally don't last long as girlfriends. Not sure why though, its like your lifestyles don't match or something? Thats if they make it past the one week of fun stage. Usually someone cuts out. Its just weird, lol so most times I'd like to approach but I don't rule out the other choice either.

    EXACTLY! "The girls that chase guys or approach, normally don't last long as girlfriends"!! No matter what people say, "oh it's 2014, it's a new era, it's okay to be the aggressor!" AND with all of the responses I've gotten on this thread, I'd have to disagree. It has proven itself time and time again that if a guy is TRULY REALLY interested, HE will contact YOU.
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
    Oh but I have found that in my experience, the girls that chase guys or approach, normally don't last long as girlfriends. Not sure why though, its like your lifestyles don't match or something? Thats if they make it past the one week of fun stage. Usually someone cuts out. Its just weird, lol so most times I'd like to approach but I don't rule out the other choice either.
    EXACTLY! "The girls that chase guys or approach, normally don't last long as girlfriends"!! No matter what people say, "oh it's 2014, it's a new era, it's okay to be the aggressor!" AND with all of the responses I've gotten on this thread, I'd have to disagree. It has proven itself time and time again that if a guy is TRULY REALLY interested, HE will contact YOU.
    I think people here are confusing "contact" and "communication".

    If a person is interested in you, they will communicate with you but not necessarily be the first to contact you.


    I like women who don't chase though... They do not chose males actively, only passively so they generally are less picky and an easier target depending on what men "paraded" in front of them (especially in an environment of aggressive but moderately interesting men, like a club/pub full of drunk people)... show moderate interest, ask your wing man to jump on her female friend to instil some competitive spirit in her mind, and then just dip your biscuit.
    Cheap tricks, but work like a charm.
  • Eddie266
    Eddie266 Posts: 26
    Oh boy, you've asked an interesting question to which I'm uncertain which is best.
    Background on me:

    48 years young ;-)

    Off the market from ages 19-35 (most of which was spent happily married raising our family, amicable divorce with no cheating or crazy stuff, still loyal friends as we have adult children whom we both love dearly)

    In 13 years I've had to deal with a learning curve about dating, due to social changes. I've had 4 ltr's of 1 1/2 years to 3 years. Out of the 4 it was a 50/50 split on being pursued or pursuing. I don't pursue well so being pursued accelerated the commencement of the relationship. I was not at all bothered by this, as I'm very laid back and figure if things are meant to be nature will work it's magic.

    If I look at my pool of friends in life, especially at coed volleyball, I would say it runs pretty equal. I feel both sexes are often so afraid of being rejected they would just as soon be alone and wonder "what if"........

    As for me on an individual level, I'm very social and easy going according to my friends, so I welcome the advance and would not be insulted. In reality it's quite flattering even if I'm not interested, so worst case scenario, you've just made a new friend and it's all good.

    Please keep in mind, not everyone will text, I find phone calls are much more personal. Even if they person doesn't answer, leave a msg and that shows a sign of sincerity. Lets face it, sometimes we can't answer the phone and that's why answering machines and vm have been around for ages! Now that you've left a msg, if the other person doesn't call back, they're just not that into you, sorry......

    Hope this give some insight and for the record, I'm currently single and new to MFP so it would be great to make some new friends and if a potential interest comes along I would be totally open to her making contact with me:-)

    Take care all
    Eddie :-)
  • dbrightwell1270
    dbrightwell1270 Posts: 1,732 Member
    If the police chase you, they put handcuffs on you if you're caught. Are you ladies hoping to be handcuffed?