Almost to one year out...
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I admire you because you confront things head on. We're all a work in progress.
-Phill0 -
I think you are so inspirational you being so honest and real about your experiences has helped me so much knowing that all of us struggle no matter what stage of the process your in0
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Shoefly318 wrote: »I think you are so inspirational you being so honest and real about your experiences has helped me so much knowing that all of us struggle no matter what stage of the process your in
Happy to help. We are all in this together.
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I find myself getting increasingly obsessed with what I am and I am not eating. I track my calories and put a great deal of effort into figuring out ways to eat as little as possible, with as few calories as possible. For now, I am within the calorie range suggested by my nutritionist, but my thinking is out of whack and I know it. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a binge every few days. My emotions are all over the place. It takes discipline to not work out more than once per day, as I would love to burn more and more and more calories.
This is the part that hit home for me, and I am only 2 months in. Intellectually, I know this tool will work for me if I follow the program. But, my history and fear tell me either I won't lose weight or I will lose some and then gain it all back. Thaeda you show great courage in sharing what is going on with you, and you give a voice to the fears and concerns that many of us have running through our heads but are afraid to voice. You are keeping us all "real" in this process, and in voicing your concerns you also give us a chance to support each other. I believe you are a success and I would be tremendously happy to have results like yours.0 -
Like the others have said, I truly appreciate your honesty. I can relate to this a lot - I, too, have been very successful at losing weight in the past and am terrified of regain. What worked for me so far, and may be blasphemy since this is MFP, is that I stopped tracking. I was getting completely obsessed with the numbers and strategizing the "right" combination of food. I live by a few simple rules now, and at least so far, they are working and I don't feel like I'm obsessing:
- I always eat protein before anything. Even if I want a (low carb/grain free/sugar free) brownie, I eat some protein first. It stops up my pyloric valve and I can't eat but a few bites.
- I don't eat sugar or starches. This is a personal choice, but I know that moderation is not my strong suit and that was my downfall in gaining the weight back in the past. I also feel loads better when these aren't in my system. I don't feel deprived because I get plenty of fat in my diet.
- If I'm hungry (which honestly isn't that often), I eat more protein.
That's it. No counting, no obsessing, and I've lost 123 pounds and counting. I will starting adding in more veg as I get closer to goal, but I have no plans to substantially change my diet in maintenance. I occasionally eat treats, but with the protein first deal, I still only eat a few bites and don't consider that "cheating" or any other negative food connotation. Am I perfect? Not hardly. I drink waaaaay too much coffee and would rather drink that than eat anything - it is definitely a struggle to make myself eat some days. But, overall, I feel like I've found a plan of attack/eating that I can live with for the long haul.
I truly hope that you are able to find balance and a way of eating that is manageable. Congratulations on your success - you've certainly earned the right to feel good about your accomplishments. Hugs to you!!0 -
Thaeda - you are winning this battle, day by day. I enjoy reading what you have to say and following your success story. At a year out I can relate to much of what you experience and genuinely root for you. Recently I pulled a book off the shelf that I have owened, but not read yet. Very inspiartional and relevant to our chosen path. Here are some quotes that I hope you might find inspirational;
Vince Lombardi
* "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.”
* “Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man. But sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can.”
* “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.”
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I set my calories at my BMR(this allows for 400cal blowover) and just focus on dealing with my life. when I am sad I cry, when I am angry I am angry, when I am stressed I pray, when I am bored I screw around on facebook... what I don't do is medicate with food. When I think of food-I ask myself "are you thirsty?" "Is it time to eat?" if not then I know my addict brain is seeking to medicate stress. When I am obsessing over wt, exercise or food I say "Wow, you are not dealing with your life-you are trying to run away, sit your *kitten* down, take a deep breath and deal with your problems" "Let go of what you cannot affect, choose an action and timeline for that which you can affect" "Food is NOT your friend, NOT your companion, NOT your savior and it will NOT make you feel better. Dealing is what makes you feel better". Sometimes I go weeks before I have to have this self pep talk again. This is why I still go to support group. Life is hard-Life is infinitely harder if you don't deal with the crap. You can't give the crap of Life power over you. Stare that ba$tard down and kick his *kitten* to the curb. Then you are free and Life is beautiful again. Praying for you, you can do this. You are so worth it!0
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Mangopickle wrote: »I set my calories at my BMR(this allows for 400cal blowover) and just focus on dealing with my life. when I am sad I cry, when I am angry I am angry, when I am stressed I pray, when I am bored I screw around on facebook... what I don't do is medicate with food. When I think of food-I ask myself "are you thirsty?" "Is it time to eat?" if not then I know my addict brain is seeking to medicate stress. When I am obsessing over wt, exercise or food I say "Wow, you are not dealing with your life-you are trying to run away, sit your *kitten* down, take a deep breath and deal with your problems" "Let go of what you cannot affect, choose an action and timeline for that which you can affect" "Food is NOT your friend, NOT your companion, NOT your savior and it will NOT make you feel better. Dealing is what makes you feel better". Sometimes I go weeks before I have to have this self pep talk again. This is why I still go to support group. Life is hard-Life is infinitely harder if you don't deal with the crap. You can't give the crap of Life power over you. Stare that ba$tard down and kick his *kitten* to the curb. Then you are free and Life is beautiful again. Praying for you, you can do this. You are so worth it!
Here here! Well said.
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loriloftness wrote: »
You are keeping us all "real" in this process, and in voicing your concerns you also give us a chance to support each other. I believe you are a success and I would be tremendously happy to have results like yours.
Thanks much. 0 -
I truly hope that you are able to find balance and a way of eating that is manageable. Congratulations on your success - you've certainly earned the right to feel good about your accomplishments. Hugs to you!!
Your guidelines sound sensible and totally "do-able"---jealous of the freedom you have the sanity that comes with it. Hope it is me one day! 0 -
DJRonnieLINY wrote: »Thaeda - you are winning this battle, day by day. I enjoy reading what you have to say and following your success story. At a year out I can relate to much of what you experience and genuinely root for you. Recently I pulled a book off the shelf that I have owened, but not read yet. Very inspiartional and relevant to our chosen path. Here are some quotes that I hope you might find inspirational;
Vince Lombardi
* "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up.”
* “Life's battles don't always go to the stronger or faster man. But sooner or later the man who wins, is the man who thinks he can.”
* “The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall.”
Great stuff! Thanks so much for sharing these with me. 0 -
Mangopickle wrote: »I set my calories at my BMR(this allows for 400cal blowover) and just focus on dealing with my life. when I am sad I cry, when I am angry I am angry, when I am stressed I pray, when I am bored I screw around on facebook... what I don't do is medicate with food. When I think of food-I ask myself "are you thirsty?" "Is it time to eat?" if not then I know my addict brain is seeking to medicate stress. When I am obsessing over wt, exercise or food I say "Wow, you are not dealing with your life-you are trying to run away, sit your *kitten* down, take a deep breath and deal with your problems" "Let go of what you cannot affect, choose an action and timeline for that which you can affect" "Food is NOT your friend, NOT your companion, NOT your savior and it will NOT make you feel better. Dealing is what makes you feel better". Sometimes I go weeks before I have to have this self pep talk again. This is why I still go to support group. Life is hard-Life is infinitely harder if you don't deal with the crap. You can't give the crap of Life power over you. Stare that ba$tard down and kick his *kitten* to the curb. Then you are free and Life is beautiful again. Praying for you, you can do this. You are so worth it!
Wisdom. Might get there one day. Thx much. 0 -
You are a wonderful, thoughtful person whose participation on our forum has helped so many (me and others). However, being an "inspiration" is a lot of pressure. You do not need to shoulder that burden, especially when you are struggling. Like Elsa said: "Let it go. Let it go." (Yes, I have an 8 year old daughter).
You are important. You have to give yourself credit, and just keep on working on being the healthiest Thaeda possible, mentally and physically.
Don't let Ed drive the bus because you are afraid to take the wheel. Thaeda is more than capable, and she can use her knowledge, commitment, and mindfulness to reach her goals and maintain her losses. Letting fear be your guide is a real problem, even if it works every now and then!
Good luck to you, and chin up. You can do this. 0 -
katematt313 wrote: »Don't let Ed drive the bus because you are afraid to take the wheel. Thaeda is more than capable, and she can use her knowledge, commitment, and mindfulness to reach her goals and maintain her losses. Letting fear be your guide is a real problem, even if it works every now and then!
Good luck to you, and chin up. You can do this.
LOVE!!!0 -
katematt313 wrote: »
Don't let Ed drive the bus because you are afraid to take the wheel. Thaeda is more than capable, and she can use her knowledge, commitment, and mindfulness to reach her goals and maintain her losses. Letting fear be your guide is a real problem, even if it works every now and then!
Good luck to you, and chin up. You can do this.
This was just beautiful--- TY, my friend.
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Thaeda, I'm going to try to address each part of your post because I think you bring up some important things here.Part of me is thrilled to see collar bones and cheek bones, to look down and see my slender arms and so much thinner legs-- but the other part of me is terrified. Every time I get a compliment about how "great" I look it is like an icy fist in my gut because I am scared out of my mind.
Our minds are truly dastardly at times. But everyone in this group is right here going through this with you in one way or another. I know the icy feeling, the fear. I've told a few people off for being so awful as to compliment me. Completely nutty, right? But we turn to each other, come back to Earth and continue on to the next day.I have always been awesome at losing weight. Always. I have lost several hundred pounds throughout the course of my "dieting career". What I have NEVER been able to do?- keep it off. Not once. Not ever. And with a track record like that I am stone cold terrified the weight will come back on. But it gets worse. I know what we give energy to, grows, so as soon as I realize I am scared then I am upset THAT I am scared because I realize fear grows more fear and focusing on what I am afraid will happen is the very way to attract it. Great, huh?
You've always been awesome at losing weight. Now you have this totally awesome tool to help you maintain that. We've got the edge now my friend. And it's absolutely awful. I promise I'm not being sarcastic either. Your feelings are valid, and I know it's made worse by the fact that we've been given something to help us because that spotlight to succeed shines so much brighter these days doesn't it? I do my damnedest to redirect that negative energy, and so do you.I find myself getting increasingly obsessed with what I am and I am not eating. I track my calories and put a great deal of effort into figuring out ways to eat as little as possible, with as few calories as possible. For now, I am within the calorie range suggested by my nutritionist, but my thinking is out of whack and I know it. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a binge every few days. My emotions are all over the place. It takes discipline to not work out more than once per day, as I would love to burn more and more and more calories.
This is perhaps one of the hardest lessons I had to learn. Scratch that. I'm still learning it. Our new lifestyle is not an all or nothing situation. You're determined. You give 150%. You do this for a long time. You make substantial progress. You crash and burn. I know the personality type all too well. That's why I'm here too.I am drinking lots of hot tea and decaf coffee to keep my stomach feeling full. I put off eating as long as I can and then when I do eat, cut my food into tiny pieces so it takes longer to eat and makes me feel full that much quicker
Tea and coffee aside. My doctor told me to eat small pieces slower for that exact reason. It also helps when the family is out to eat, and I'm trying to spread a freaking appetizer out for bread, soup/salad, entree, and dessert course.I am smoking more than I was before (I was thisclose to quitting-- down to just a few cigs per day) because it suppresses my appetite.
I am a major hypocrite here. In my early 20's my friends and I got into smoking flavored tobacco in hookahs. Before my surgery I was working for a non-profit that promoted smoking cessation. I left this place before I had the surgery. Guess who smokes hookahs again? That being said, I'm always here to talk about that judgement free because I know hard it is.I feel like a total fraud. People tell me I am an inspiration. REALLY? What part of ANY of this is inspiring? The part where I am ignoring hunger for hours or the part where every once in awhile when I cannot take the pressure anymore, I stuff my face with leftover Christmas cookies from the freezer? Yes. That is something to emulate, folks! Let's all do THAT. OMG. It's just sick. So no one look up to me. No one call me an inspiration. What I am is one effed up, crazy, body dysmorphic, eating disordered WRECK.
I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me years ago. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. This group is just as much here for your support and personal growth as it is for any of us. If you don't feel like an inspiration you do not have to own that. This is your safe space.I have been advised to give up the belief I cannot keep the weight off. Brilliant suggestion. But if I did that, I might have to give up all of my crazy, disordered behavior- and I am not ready to do that yet. Disordered thinking and eating is as much a part of me as anything I can think of and while I hate having an eating disorder/Ed, like that old, abusive, long-time boyfriend you just can't quit for good - I am not ready to break up with "Ed" just yet. Because if I did-- I might start gaining the weight back... and it is just too big a risk to take.
I would be a hypocrite again if I asked you to get help simply because I need to do the same thing. We all can understand and commiserate, but I don't know that I'm qualified to provide genuine help with that. However, I'm always willing to talk or lend an ear.0 -
Paul! I'm not going to "quote" your response, but saying "well said" to you is a vast understatement! You rock! What a wonderful, thoughtful and honest response. I am very impressed!0
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This right here --> Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm---is one of the most brilliant things I've ever read. I have a real problem with trying to be a people pleaser and I've been working hard to get over it. I needed that today!
Thaeda, you are awesome and honest and useful (which is useful
) and I am here to tell you, I am also an effed up, crazy, body dysmorphic, eating disordered wreck and I have to work everyday to keep that craziness at bay. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have lost over 70 lbs and I still see the exact same fat, tired woman that I was eight months ago. I don't look different AT ALL to me. It makes me sick when people tell me that I look good and that I'm soooooo tiny. I have to force myself to smile and say thanks in the sweetest voice possible. I don't know what else to do except fake it until I make it. We're all just doing our best every day. 0 -
I'm going to tell you something I wish someone had told me years ago. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. This group is just as much here for your support and personal growth as it is for any of us. If you don't feel like an inspiration you do not have to own that. This is your safe space.
ALL of your response was very helpful-- and caring, and really resonated with me--but this was the BEST part-- on 2 counts-- 1st, the not setting myself on fire--- WOW-- KEEPER. 2nd-- to know I have a safe space to just be where I am. TY, TY, TY.0 -
trinity9058 wrote: »Thaeda, you are awesome and honest and useful (which is useful ) and I am here to tell you, I am also an effed up, crazy, body dysmorphic, eating disordered wreck and I have to work everyday to keep that craziness at bay. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I have lost over 70 lbs and I still see the exact same fat, tired woman that I was eight months ago. I don't look different AT ALL to me. It makes me sick when people tell me that I look good and that I'm soooooo tiny. I have to force myself to smile and say thanks in the sweetest voice possible. I don't know what else to do except fake it until I make it. We're all just doing our best every day.
It feels SO good to know so many folks can relate. It really does. TY.0 -
Your post so eloquently and in a very real way expressed what so many of us live, think, and feel every day. I think my fear of regain is healthy, though. I have to acknowledge that even with VSG, gaining always looms as a threat. Focus and never letting up is the only way I know. I have good days and bad ones. My behavior is like yours some days, and the body dysmorphia that accompanies massive weight loss is another added type of crazy in my repertoire of obsessed thinking. For me, I will gladly take this brand of nuts over the self loathing I had as a morbidly obese woman any day.
Cut yourself some slack. I think your honesty is inspirational.0 -
I am late reading this as I hardly log into a tabletop computer to log in, but this whole thread was inspirational. The comment were inspirational and some raw truth in what what said. This almost brought tears to my eyes.......(due to understanding every word, worry, and understanding the "crazy") ...but I fought it hard. lol. So much truth in everyone and its amazing, and you are amazing, whether you know it or not!!!!0
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foxymitchell wrote: »So much truth in everyone and its amazing, and you are amazing, whether you know it or not!!!!
Well, thank you. 0 -
I love your honesty, you are doing phenomenal! Don't stress over anything in life...I know easier said than done. There are checks and balances. You/We have made a complete lifestyle change and it comes with ups and downs. You are human and will definitely have to make some tough choices. Today I choose Cheesecake, tomorrow I choose to run 2 miles....It's call LIFE. We only get this one here on earth to live so ENJOY the Healthy, Fit, New You.0
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Hmmmm.... There is so much here Thaeda and I can feel in your words your struggle and yet you still persevere. My only thoughts for you here are to help you change your thoughts about you. Something I usually teach to young adults. First and foremost Give Yourself A break. You have nothing to prove to anyone. You have what appears to be a following here that everyone can relate to. You should know your already perfect whole and complete just as you are right now. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. Part of the process we call life is to shed the BS that we think we have to appear before the world as something we aren't. For my I have learned to show up and be who I am and stand in my truth. You have to do that too. Every day in every way be the best you, you can be. Replace all of those thoughts of you know being enough with I am already perfect just as I am right here and right now.
Not to get too preachy here but this is who I am. I let my teens know God does not make mistakes and there was nothing wrong with you at birth and there is nothing wrong with you now. Know that where ever you go you are always loved and cared for. Being made in the Image and likeness of the Divine all you have to do is show up with that heart filled with Love, Joy, Peace, Happiness, Wisdom that is at the very center of your Being. Stand in that and if you ever start to question your greatness go back there and stand in it some more.
I have already gone on here too long. But I think you get the idea.
If you would like to friend me please do. I would love to tell you just how special your are and guide you along the way.
Jim0 -
claresta23 wrote: »I love your honesty, you are doing phenomenal! Don't stress over anything in life...I know easier said than done. There are checks and balances. You/We have made a complete lifestyle change and it comes with ups and downs. You are human and will definitely have to make some tough choices. Today I choose Cheesecake, tomorrow I choose to run 2 miles....It's call LIFE. We only get this one here on earth to live so ENJOY the Healthy, Fit, New You.
Ty so much-- working on letting go, finding balance, and living fully. 0 -
Know that where ever you go you are always loved and cared for. Being made in the Image and likeness of the Divine all you have to do is show up with that heart filled with Love, Joy, Peace, Happiness, Wisdom that is at the very center of your Being. Stand in that and if you ever start to question your greatness go back there and stand in it some more.
BEAUTIFUL!! Ty so very much for this. 0 -
... I'll take some Thaeda nuts too! How much protein in a 2 oz serving?? THANK YOU Thaeda for your post.. I see me in you. Namaste.0
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