I am not ashamed of my faith, so if that kind of thing bugs you, you may not wish to read this blog.
Five and a half years ago was the first time in my adult life I reached a weight of under 200 pounds. I had been fat and miserable with no self-esteem from the time I got pregnant with my first child in 1981, until I got this weight off in 2009. People were constantly telling me how great I looked and how proud they were. I crossed over into one of those people who went from hating exercise to loving it. Logging food is fun for me, even though some have said I am in bondage to it. I could not believe I weighed 160 and could wear size 10. I had worn a size 20 for so long!
After menopause in Feb 2012, I started gaining around the mid-section and hip area. I gained 10, then 12, then 15 pounds over the past couple of years. To say I have obsessed over my weight is an understatement. The scale has dictated my mood. It has caused me to look at myself with a critical eye instead of appreciating how far I have come.
The other day, before I wrote the blog "I guess This is It," I had spent some time with Jesus, talking about it. It's not that it's wrong to try and lose weight. But it became the first thing I thought about every morning. Before prayer, before devotions, before anything -I would weigh or measure and I would start picking food out. I would feel depressed over the lack of progress in losing weight and then let it affect my feelings all day long.
I came to realize that to me, losing weight was a way of feeling loved and accepted. I have a fear that people will love me less or respect me less if I gain ANY of the weight back. All my friends know I work out all the time. I had this fear that they would look at me and think I must be lying. How can anyone work out that much and not look fit and thin?
I am very healthy now. The doctor told me I have practically cured myself of diabetes, and I take less than half the medication for it that I used to take. My blood pressure is excellent. My cholesterol is perfect.
Basically, I just don't want to put my physical appearance before my spiritual condition. And that is what I was doing. My priorities got messed up. I confessed, I repented. I decided to be happy at this weight and just continue taking care of me without obsessing over it.
Imagine my surprise this morning when I weighed and had finally broken below 170.
169.4!!! I just laughed and thanked the Lord. If I lose more, great, but if not, it's okay.
I am beautiful just the way I am.