Why can't I just say "Thank you" when someone says I'm slim
auntstephie321
Posts: 3,586 Member
I was at Aldi after work looking at almonds, when a woman said to me 'the problem with these is portion control'.
I agreed and said 'that's why I have to use a food scale to measure out a serving'.
Her response to me was 'that's how you stay so slim'
Immediately I felt the need to tell her that I'm not slim, I mean I am now but I wasn't before. I wanted to defend myself, I needed her to know that I worked to get here.
Why couldn't I just say 'thank you'
Is it too soon? It wasn't an insult but I felt insulted.
I agreed and said 'that's why I have to use a food scale to measure out a serving'.
Her response to me was 'that's how you stay so slim'
Immediately I felt the need to tell her that I'm not slim, I mean I am now but I wasn't before. I wanted to defend myself, I needed her to know that I worked to get here.
Why couldn't I just say 'thank you'
Is it too soon? It wasn't an insult but I felt insulted.
0
Replies
-
I would have told her to eat all she wanted. The more almonds you eat, the fewer calories you consume overall.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24084509
http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00394-014-0759-z
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/145743480 -
Ah interesting, though she preferred her almonds in the form of trail mix.0
-
I think I might have felt a little irked by someone reducing your efforts to a single, simple strategy, without knowing anything about you. Of course, she meant well.0
-
auntstephie321 wrote: »I was at Aldi after work looking at almonds, when a woman said to me 'the problem with these is portion control'.
I agreed and said 'that's why I have to use a food scale to measure out a serving'.
Her response to me was 'that's how you stay so slim'
Immediately I felt the need to tell her that I'm not slim, I mean I am now but I wasn't before. I wanted to defend myself, I needed her to know that I worked to get here.
Why couldn't I just say 'thank you'
Is it too soon? It wasn't an insult but I felt insulted.
We had a week long exercise on how ppl accept compliments in college. It's very common for ppl to be flustered, embarrassed or not know what to do. It was interesting (compliment ten ppl a day and see how they react). I find the best way to react, and the way I've taught my kids, is to thank them, and then return the compliment (even if it's just "that is so kind of you to say!")0 -
I would say, "Yes I am with all of my hard work to stay there" and leave it at that. Great feeling though!0
-
@mlinton_mesapark I think that's what it was. She wasn't over weight either. But it was like all my hard work was nothing, to her I'm just slim, she didn't know me before.
It makes me think though about saying things to strangers that you i think is a compliment but to them may not feel that way.
I feel that her saying it was more about her issues with her weight than it was about my size.
I guess if it happens again it'll be less surprising and I'll smile and say thank you.
0 -
Good question, I have a long way until I reach goal, but whenever someone compliments me on my loss, I always say, "But I still have a way s to go", or " But look at this loose skin". I don't know what what the deal was is.....0
-
Thank you works
But yes, if it is still strange to be in a new thin fit body, compliments feel strange.
0 -
I know a guy that really did consider being calling skinny an insult because he has trouble gaining weight/building muscle. I can only assume it was the equivalent of someone calling you fat.
But, personally I also have trouble saying the simple thank you. It gets easier with practice.0 -
auntstephie321 wrote: »@mlinton_mesapark I think that's what it was. She wasn't over weight either. But it was like all my hard work was nothing, to her I'm just slim, she didn't know me before.
It makes me think though about saying things to strangers that you i think is a compliment but to them may not feel that way.
I feel that her saying it was more about her issues with her weight than it was about my size.
I guess if it happens again it'll be less surprising and I'll smile and say thank you.
This is almost always the case. They're motivated to say things because they have their own issues. But keep in mind that we respond to whatever anyone says in certain ways because of our own issues.
ahhhh...Perspective.
I usually react to similar by saying, "well I'm not quite there yet, but thanks." Which shows that I'm still a little defensive and insecure.
In the future, just endeavor to smile and be polite and friendly, even if what they say steps on your own issues. Turn it into something positive. In her mind, who knows what she was thinking, but I'm betting she was trying to give you a compliment. I'd take it that way, regardless.
I do my dead-level best to go out of my way to behave toward people in a way that, if it isn't magnificent enough to make their day, to at least keep it sunny. And I find that effort rebounds to make me feel better as well, even if their comment didn't "make my year." Paying it forward and all that.0 -
For guys being called "thin" isn't as positive as it may be for women. One of the hardest things for me, mentally, is that being at a healthy weight makes me so small. I would like to bulk up, with muscle obviously, just to not look so tiny.0
-
Jbarnes1210 wrote: »Good question, I have a long way until I reach goal, but whenever someone compliments me on my loss, I always say, "But I still have a way s to go", or " But look at this loose skin". I don't know what what the deal was is.....
Oh gosh, I could have written this response word for word myself - so 'me'.
You wait forever craving a compliment of any kind, but when it comes it's so hard to accept that I personally tend to react quite badly to compliments... I sometimes feel quite angry, even. Like, part of me thinks the compliment-giver is just taking the p!ss. My usual response is to shrug it off, and simultaneously find a reason it isn't true (like jBarnes said, if the compliment is anything to do with my weight loss or appearance I will always ALWAYS say "oh noo, I'm only halfway there.. Still got a long way to go yet" and invariably I will throw a self-insult into the mix, like "trust me, my thighs still look like scrambled eggs" or "Its no use being slimmer if i still wobble like jello", just to balance things out a bit. Not very gracious I know, throwing compliments back in people's faces, but I find it just too uncomfortable yet to accept and believe compliments without balancing out the pretty picture with some ugly realism!
0 -
For guys being called "thin" isn't as positive as it may be for women. One of the hardest things for me, mentally, is that being at a healthy weight makes me so small. I would like to bulk up, with muscle obviously, just to not look so tiny.
You're in perfect time for Strengthening September, Goat
... Hit those weights, my friend! 
I'll keep you company getting buff!
0 -
Jbarnes1210 wrote: »Good question, I have a long way until I reach goal, but whenever someone compliments me on my loss, I always say, "But I still have a way s to go", or " But look at this loose skin". I don't know what what the deal was is.....
I just went to Atlanta for work for a week, I saw a bunch of people, coworkers/old friends, that I haven't seen in 5 years, I'm 100 pounds lighter than the last time they saw me. BUT, right now I'm struggling, I gained 15-20 pounds in the last couple months, I've had a hard time getting back on keto full time. So my mindset is "man things are hard right now." But everyone I saw would say "holy crap you look amazing, you're a totally different person!"
I seriously had to psych myself up for this, since I knew it was coming, and to be happy and to accept all the compliments and not drag it down with "yeah but right now I'm not doing so hot." Its very hard for me to just let people be happy for me and for that to be the whole deal. I don't know why either. The good thing about it all though, is that it was a really nice reminder that, even though I'm struggling right now, I have come a really long way from where I started!0 -
I am similar to everyone else in that a compliment is typically followed with some self-deprecating humor. Self-deprecation in my mind is humanizing. One time I lost a lot of weight without trying. It was weird to me to not be able to crack chubby jokes. It was weird when people would say "you're so tiny." I always wanted to tell them how big I used to be because in my mind it gave me some kind of credibility and emphasized that I could "relate" to them.
They say you're always supposed to just follow these things with a thank you. Now that I'm working hard to lose weight I speak more truths. I say things like, "Really? You think so? That makes me feel good because I've busted my butt to get this far." Sometimes I get embarrassed by how large I was, it makes me feel like I should apologize. "Sorry I used to be so big" probably isn't a good follow up hahaha.0 -
I am similar to everyone else in that a compliment is typically followed with some self-deprecating humor. Self-deprecation in my mind is humanizing. One time I lost a lot of weight without trying. It was weird to me to not be able to crack chubby jokes. It was weird when people would say "you're so tiny." I always wanted to tell them how big I used to be because in my mind it gave me some kind of credibility and emphasized that I could "relate" to them.
They say you're always supposed to just follow these things with a thank you. Now that I'm working hard to lose weight I speak more truths. I say things like, "Really? You think so? That makes me feel good because I've busted my butt to get this far." Sometimes I get embarrassed by how large I was, it makes me feel like I should apologize. "Sorry I used to be so big" probably isn't a good follow up hahaha.
this exactly. I want to say, no I was fat before so I know how it is. It feels so weird to want them to know that so they don't see me as a skinny person.
It probably comes from me knowing how my friends and I would make sarcastic comments to each other about the "skinny" girls out of envy as if they had it so easy.0 -
It could stem from that. Could it also partially stem from knowing from experience how it feels to want to be smaller but not be? It feels good to have people empathize with how we feel. You mention that you envied the skinny girls and would make sarcastic comments with friends. It's much easier to be overweight when the people around us are also overweight. Those very friends probably helped you feel accepted for who you were at that weight and maybe you want others to feel that, too. A sort of "hey, I was heavy before, I know how you feel, I know what it takes to lose weight, I know how hard it can be and I know how easy it is to envy thin people. I support you! I'm one of you! I'm a fat girl in a skinny body not the other way around." I think it says you care about others.0
-
Yeah, and caring too much about other ppls shallow opinions. Who you are is so much more important than what you look like, but I used to get really upset when ppl called fat ppl lazy and undisciplined. Mean ppl are lazy and undisciplined in being kind, decent compassionate humans! Ours just shows more on the outside more, but being a rotten person is far worse than being overweight.
I'm in my forties. I just don't care what ppl think anymore. I regret ever wasting time caring. Embrace yourself! 0 -
I am starting to get really irritated by compliments. If people go on and on about how different I look, I want to scream at them to shut the @$&!up which is terrible.
I feel uncomfortable being complimented on losing weight that should never have been gained to start with. It just feels wrong. It's like thanking an abusive partner for not smacking you in the face today.0 -
-
I don't care what you guys say. When I reach normal weight I'm going to love every second of every compliment I get. And I hope I get some or I'll be pissed.
lol. The part of me that is my inner diva does appreciate the compliments. She preens and struts. The rest of me is the practical side, and tells her to not get cocky, that she isn't 100% there yet, and that we can't get too comfy. My practical side is such a buzz-kill.0 -
You guys are so funny!! (that's a compliment) My eyes are watering from laughing..>> "trust me, my thighs still look like scrambled eggs" or "Its no use being slimmer if I still wobble like jello", "Sorry I used to be so big"
I too, have to consciously refrain from self deprecation in response to a compliment and just enjoy the moment with a thank you. Although, I still oddly force out a return compliment,
Friend: "You look great today"; Me: "Oh, Thank you! I like your... (as I scan up and down).. err... ahh...shoes"
(Then I walk away, thinking to myself.. stupid, stupid, stupid.)
I haven't yet received the have you lost weight compliment yet. (almost 20lbs down). I did get, "you look nice today". and "I like that outfit." I'm not quite at the noticeable stage yet. Except for my BF, who complimented me this morning with "Wow, your calves are looking great." What?? My frigg'n calves?? Seriously dude, FU, you are living dangerously....
I think saying you look thin, skinny, your so tiny, or singling out a body part is an uncomfortable compliment and feels somewhat judgey. I much prefer to send and receive "Boy, you look great" and drop it.0 -
slimzandra wrote: »
I too, have to consciously refrain from self deprecation in response to a compliment and just enjoy the moment with a thank you. Although, I still oddly force out a return compliment,
Friend: "You look great today"; Me: "Oh, Thank you! I like your... (as I scan up and down).. err... ahh...shoes"
(Then I walk away, thinking to myself.. stupid, stupid, stupid.)
My friend and I refer to this as "I carried a watermelon?!" because of Dirty Dancing. The moment you walk away and think "idiot, idiot, idiot! Why did I say that?!" Imagine how much more mindful we'll be in September once we get through our month of meditation hahaha!slimzandra wrote: »I haven't yet received the have you lost weight compliment yet. (almost 20lbs down). I did get, "you look nice today". and "I like that outfit." I'm not quite at the noticeable stage yet. Except for my BF, who complimented me this morning with "Wow, your calves are looking great." What?? My frigg'n calves?? Seriously dude, FU, you are living dangerously....
That made me laugh! My boyfriend has started putting his hands around my waist. I feel like that's the nicest, non-verbal compliment I have received.0 -
slimzandra wrote: »"Wow, your calves are looking great." What?? My frigg'n calves?? Seriously dude, FU, you are living dangerously....
That reminds me of when my BF and I were having a conversation and I said I felt like I was losing weight, he said "yeah I noticed your neck looked thinner"
I was like, yeah friggin awesome, lol he meant well0 -
baconslave wrote: »I don't care what you guys say. When I reach normal weight I'm going to love every second of every compliment I get. And I hope I get some or I'll be pissed.
lol. The part of me that is my inner diva does appreciate the compliments. She preens and struts. The rest of me is the practical side, and tells her to not get cocky, that she isn't 100% there yet, and that we can't get too comfy. My practical side is such a buzz-kill.
@baconslave, I tend to brush off compliments, knowing that I have not reached my goal yet. Isn't it funny how hard we are on ourselves, so unwilling to see the positives, and tending to highlight the negatives ? Yes, I agree in that I am still defensive and insecure. I am hoping to be able to appreciate the compliments one day.I am starting to get really irritated by compliments. If people go on and on about how different I look, I want to scream at them to shut the @$&!up which is terrible.
I feel uncomfortable being complimented on losing weight that should never have been gained to start with. It just feels wrong. It's like thanking an abusive partner for not smacking you in the face today.
@minties, this is weird too isn't it ? This kind of comment males me feel that I must have looked way worse than what I thought before I lost some weight. And of course, I also take it to mean that I was somehow an inferior person as well.
But I am also uncomfortable with the compliments because I think I built up layers of fat to protect myself. It kind of feels like I am getting more exposed as I am shedding the layers. I know I have a lot of work ahead of me as I lose more weight, in terms of being comfortable in a new, smaller skin. It's almost as if I crave the compliment but can't handle it emotionally yet. I want to be able to enjoy it, like @newmeadow says.
0 -
yes, just say thank you. How wonderful that you have worked so hard and a stranger would consider you slim. Grea job!!0
-
Kitnthecat wrote: »
But I am also uncomfortable with the compliments because I think I built up layers of fat to protect myself. It kind of feels like I am getting more exposed as I am shedding the layers.
Very common0 -
I've had a few compliments. I guess it's just me as I've said to those who have complimented (mostly co-workers) thank you for noticing the hard work I am doing. Feels great!! I'm still quite large, so I don't get compliments outside of work (those that see me daily); but they are trying to be nice and notice the hard work and I take the compliment as such.0
-
I too struggle with accepting compliments and I read recently that when the compliment is contrary to how you view yourself, the compliment may actually make you feel worse rather than better. There may also be a tendency by the recipient to interpret the compliment as condescending rather than complimentary - as well as to feel anxiety about not being able to live up to the compliment.
All that to say, both the complimenter and the complimentee are often bringing a lot of baggage to the table and it certainly isn't as simple a situation as it seems on the surface!0
This discussion has been closed.