Hi everyone, My name is Claudette and I am 48 years old. I struggled with my weight for my entire adult life and was always a "Closet eater" pretty much since I was 16 - skip ahead to November 2015 and I am back in therapy(previously diagnosed with depression at age 17) and talking with my therapist he diagnosed me with Adult Binge Eating Disorder, never knew this was such a thing. I now take medication and my binge eating is pretty well under control. I have had a few slips up since November, but not too bad - I have lost 15 pounds since Jan and going strong. Also during my therapy sessions he felt that I don't suffer from depression but anxiety, so I am on meds for that too - so can you imagine being a very anxious person and also suffer from ABED, bad combo But I will win this battle, as we all will.

Thank you for creating this group.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

All the best.
Claudette

Ask an aspie a question and we will likely give a full and complete answer
Hello I am Laura, my mother had anorexia alternating with binge eating and obesity and she also had mental health issues, my father was an abusive alcoholic. So genetically things were never looking good for me. I was a very shy troubled withdrawn Kid with undiagnosed asperger's.
I was severely bullied all through school and even later in work to some extent. I have suffered from depression my whole life. My mother was never maternal and did not really know how to do mothering other than to give lots of food and treats. I have been obese since early childhood. I binge ate in secret and hid food away in my room from as young as I can remember. I just kept getting fatter, the bullying kept getting worse, I was an emotional wreck from age 5 onwards. I would throw food away only to go diving through bin to retrieve it later.
I also plucked my hair out, scratched at my skin and compulsively picked holes in my skin over my whole body and suffered with those disorders badly until very recently. I had early symptoms of bipolar disorder since childhood which has got progressively worse as I aged. I have always used food to self medicate, to give me a temporary high and numb out the depths of depressions.
I can lose interest in food when hypo or manic but then I tend to drink too much to calm me down from the highs. I have had issues with severe sex addiction from mid 20's to early 30's related to bipolar manic episodes. I am an addict. I have always known I am an addict. I come from generations of addicts. For this reason I have never taken a puff from a cigaret or touched any recreational drugs. I only drink rum and wine because I got hold of them as a child. I won't try any knew alcohols because I know I will like them too much. I know what kind of creature I am. I joined a celibate cult age 19 and stayed a member until mania took over age 24 and sex addiction quickly followed. I tried to be safe, i tried to resist my addictive nature but I failed. Food is just everywhere and always available and I was totally hooked before I ever got a chance to avoid that fate.

I got married age 26 thinking that would help, I was faithful to him, he was not right for me though, not supportive, not understanding. He was another addict, for him it was drugs, alcohol,gambling. He wanted me to be slimmer. I joined food addicts in recovery anonymous and lost 126lb in 9 months. I was starving hungry a lot, I was doing the right actions with food but my head was more messed up than ever. My husband was unhappy with my new slimmer self, he then said he prefered my curves and missed them. He wanted me to get jaw surgery for my class 3 underbite but I ended up having the braces removed threatening to kill myself in hysterics at hospital the day after they were fitted. I just could not do it. My estranged father died who I had not seen for 16 years. I saw his body in the coffin. I lost it emotionally I was a wreck. I was crying all the time, so much so my sponsor said she could not cope with me any more. I was devastated as naturally I was totally emotionally dependant on her.

My husband then decided he needed a break from me and walked out saying he would be back in 6 months. He stayed in touch but 6 months later he cheated on me with two other women in one week and said he was not coming back. I spiralled out of control back in to sex addiction and ended up in a rebound relationship with a narcissistic sociopath who manipulated and abused me in every way, we lived together , he raped me and I asked him to leave but he would not go and I was too ashamed to ask for help, I knew it would be impossible to prove to police. I lived with him months after he raped me and I literally went insane. I finally asked my estranged husband to come help me and he paid this man to leave. I could not tell him about the abuse as I think even though my husband left me he would have killed this man if he knew. The two of them had a nice little chat in front of me about how difficult I am to live with.

I was out of control with the bipolar by this point, doctors had failed to get it under control with medications. Medications sedated me so much I was missing time at work, I could not focus when I was at work. My boss kept threatening to fire me. I just wanted comfort. I sought it in men and that went badly. I came to conclusion all men are sex driven heartless pigs and my anger lead me in to wanting revenge. My mania drove my sex drive through roof so I decided if can't beat them join them and my sex addiction reached way out of control heights. I ended up quitting my job even as my boss said he was about to dismiss me anyway. I became a full time private escort for a year while full blown manic not on any medication. I figured every payment was compensation for men who had hurt me in my life, I thought it was a way to be in control, to deal with the disappointment of not finding the love I so desperately wanted, I tried to be cold but that is not me. Chunks of time kept going missing, I knew I was very ill but I had no trust left in doctors or anyone. My psychiatrist said in her opinion I was fine and she thought this was my natural personality.

Of course with bipolar every up is followed by a down and year of mania came with a severe down at the end where I quit escorting, was horrified by what I had done and yet again wanted to be dead. I had memory blanks and could not come to terms with what had happened to me and what I did while manic. At this point doctors realised it had not been my personality and I was bombarded with more medications to try and get control of bipolar. I became a rapid cycling bipolar sufferer from this point on. My weight skyrocketed up to 330lb. I did not want to exist and food was the only comfort that I could find.

Food has always been there through everything. I have had all sorts of therapy and counselling to deal with past and with food issues but although I have mostly made peace with my past and I no longer am furious with all mankind. I have fought long and hard to stop the self harming of my skin and the obsessive hair plucking that together used to take up to 8 hours out of my day. I have stopped the sex addiction. I miraculously never caught anything, I had at least always used protection. I have stopped drinking too much. I just find the food so so hard to let go of.
A lifetime of binge eating disorder has lead to me being able to consume huge amounts of food that would probably put a normal person in hospital. I once logged a binge years ago on mfp on an old profile and it was over 20'000 calories, 10 days worth within hours. I have eaten myself in to pain , I have had agonising gallbladder attacks, I have quite severe IBS. None of it stopped me from binge eating. I always fall back into the arms of binge eating disorder even though I know it is a deceitful and abusive love/hate affair also. It is just too easy, too available, too deeply ingrained. My bipolar remains out of control even on meds. I want so much to be well. It truly is one day at a time or moment by moment sometimes. I am still here though and still fighting. My life has taught me a great deal of compassion and humility because you never know how far you can go until life pushes you. I have no right to judge anyone. We all just do the best we can with what we have. People do not choose addiction or mental illness. We do choose to fight it and that is all we can do.

Hi Laura, I am also Laura. I can see a lot of parallels between your story and mine, as far as mental illness and addiction. I just want to say you're an amazing person and I hope this group can help you even a little bit.

My name is Tricia.

I am 42 years old, mother of three.

I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder (so far); however, I have always been able to exercise to keep my weight down so I've "felt like I've managed it".

I have recently been diagnosed with depression, and I've started taking meds for that (which has been a huge help). However, this has worsened things in terms of binge eating and weight gain.

I eat well all day. Not a problem.

I have a good breakfast and don't overeat at work/lunch or dinner.

What happens is after dinner, I want to eat constantly for an hour or so.
Anything junky that I can get my hands on. The worse for me the better.

I eat until I am so full I feel like I can't breathe.
I've always been like this, especially at night, but it's gotten so now I feel like I can't control it at all.

I know I need to stop. I tell myself every morning that I won't do it, and then I do.

I've always had this issue. From a small child, food was a comfort and it was something I could control in an environment where I had none.

I sit all day at work and more recently I sit most of the night.

I used to exercise every day. Now I try to drag myself to do it but just don't feel like it.
I buy healthy food and try to eat well....but again, at night it's sabotaged.

I'm really looking forward to reading your stories and the support this group provides and I can provide as well. I am at the point of wanting to go for counseling as I can't carry on like this.

I just realized I never properly introduced myself or told my story...

I'm Maureen and I just turned 32. Currently a stay at home mom with my 2 year old daughter, previously I worked as a medical assistant. I have had weight, self esteem and food issues since grade school. Reached my highest weight in my late 20's after I got married, then was diagnosed with hypothyroidism and PCOS when we were struggling to conceive. Doctor told me to try and drop some weight before sending me to a fertility specialist. Went home and lost 35lbs over 6 months and found out I was pregnant when I went back to see the doctor for the follow up. Gained all the weight back and more with the pregnancy. After my daughter was born I wanted to get back to pre pregnancy weight really bad. Last spring I joined MFP for the second and became obsessed with food and exercise. I was eating 1200 a day and using the elliptical 2 hours every day. I lost 65lbs and got down to a weight I have never seen in my adult life. I thought I was being healthy but I know now that I was starving myself. In October I went to see the doctor and was told I was malnourished and needed to eat more calories. That kind of opened the floodgates for my binge eating. At first it was a couple binges a month and then Christmas time came and it was everyday for weeks. Now I'm up 15lbs from my lowest weight and feel out of control.

Hi all,
I'm glad to have found this group. I just started MFP for the first time yesterday, but I'm not new to weight loss. I've been heavy and obese most of my life. I'm only 27, but can't remember the last time I was within a healthy weight range. I'm currently around 277 pounds.

I started my first diet when I was 8 years old. My dad taught me how to count calories and he put me on a 800 calorie diet. For years, I've been tracking and counting, whether on my own or on a program like weight watchers. I've done countless local programs and have even tried a couple different prescription medications. Nothing worked. Two years ago, I was put on a strict diet with no gluten, no grains, no sugar, not even fruit. I did this for approx 3 months until I cracked. I just went off the rails hard and was bingeing almost every day. I've always had bursts of binging, but this was the first time I would binge heavily for days on end. I developed a stomach fungal problem from all the sugar in my system.

I finally started seeing a therapist and then a psychiatrist for my issues, who determined I had BED. I've spent the last year or so working on recovering from BED and building up my trust around food and working on body image issues. I'm still working on this, but I'm at a much better place. I'm now learning that dieting itself is the root of binge eating and that restriction, particularly, when coming from a place of self-hatred and punishment is really the fuel for BED.

But now I'm at a place that makes me anxious. I want to start working on bringing my weight down, as it's at the highest point of my life, but I do not want to get back into an obsessive compulsive road of calorie counting and "dieting". So I'm doing my best to get involved in the MFP community so I can stay strong mentally through this process and not lose sight of my goals. I want to maintain a balanced life while still kicking butt with healthier habits.

I would love to meet some like-minded people. Please feel free to message/friend!

aboutthatfitlife01 wrote: »

Hi all,
I'm now learning that dieting itself is the root of binge eating and that restriction, particularly, when coming from a place of self-hatred and punishment is really the fuel for BED.

hey @aboutthatfitlife01 ~ Welcome. I hope you're still working with professionals.... since we're a little bit like the Cuckoo's Nest here. If you think you have a handle on your binging, then, I'd suggest you try starting with MFP like most newbies, and just log. With a mind towards eating at maintenance, and see how that feels. That's more or less what I've been doing for a couple of months... ( OK, I don't log, but my weight has stayed about the same ) and I'm not ready to try to drop calories into deficit territory.... but I haven't been binging, and I haven't been gaining, so I'm good with that, for now.

Do you have a plan?

@sloth3toes I feel like it's such a tough situation. BED is so tricky and has so many psychological and physical moving parts. And BED groups, I would imagine, could be a feeding ground for firing up more ED neuroses. Right now, I don't think I'm 100% recovered (if that's even possible), but I'm much more stable now. I've been relatively stable for the last several months, but I did notice that I gained about 5 pounds in the last month or so, not so much from binging, but general overeating and going out to eat too much. But for months, I've been wrestling the urge to start eating less in order to lose weight. I had that voice in my head saying "well you haven't binged in a while, and for your health, you DO need to lose weight eventually, so maybe you're ready to start reducing food intake. I think you can handle it". But ultimately, I was told by my therapist that that's that eating disorder voice lulling me back into the diet mentality. Just recently, she did mention she thinks I could handle maneuvering my food a bit, but she thinks a food plan would be counterproductive for me. The second I feel like I have to eat certain kinds of foods or at a certain time, I tend to rebel and binge.

As of now, I don't have a plan per se. Since yesterday, I've been logging at about 1500 calories. But I'm eating the same types of foods I always gravitate to. I'm not trying to eat more fruits or veggies or anything. And I don't necessarily want to suggest this is a good solution for anybody else, since I'm experimenting right now. But I am noticing that my binges do have a bit of that orthorexia mentality. Since I've been dieting for decades now, I have picked up so much nutritional information that I tend to be a little obsessive compulsive about "clean" eating. So it'll be all or nothing - completely clean or complete takeout binge fest. So right now, I'm just trying not to cut out any type of food, which means I'm thinking I will allow myself to have pizza, sandwiches, chinese food, desserts, so long as its within the calorie count. And if I notice that my BED tendencies are rearing their ugly head, I may switch to doing what you mentioned, which is logging, but logging at a higher calorie count (2000 or so) in order to just get in the habit of logging for a bit.

But we will see! This is only my second day, so I do not want to suggest this is a good solution for anyone else. I will report back!

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Hi all, I'm Ash and I'm 21 - currently studying psychology at university in London. I'm so glad I found this group! I've always, always, always struggled with this disorder and didn't get it diagnosed until October last year. I got discharged from therapy last month so I'm back at it alone and honestly it still feels like a losing battle despite how helpful therapy was.

I was consistently overweight/obese because of BED until I turned 17 when I figured I'd finally do something about it and managed to lose a quarter of my body weight in six/seven months, putting me in the healthy weight range for the first time in my life. Over the next four years I lost and re-gained those 50lb repeatedly and I'm back at my highest weight, trying to lose it again.

I think the hardest part is the lack of understanding. People don't understand that it's a genuine eating disorder and that it's not just gluttony or lack of willpower.

Feel free to add me, it'd be great to have MFP friends who understand this and be there to mutally support one another

Hello!
I have been out of control of my eating habits nearly all my life. Growing up, I was known to eat anything and everything, but I was a tall skinny girl... Until I overheard my aunts talking about me one day - saying that one day it would catch up with me and I would end up like another family member - who was then overweight. Panic immediately set in and I spent my middle school years being anorexic. My high school days were a little more normal, but I started binge eating in college. I remember the first time I started eating and felt that I couldn't stop... Purging was occasional... I hated being sick in the bathroom (still do). I would compensate by overexercising and/or fasting... And this has been my life, off and on for the last 20+ years. I am not 42 years old, and I have let my compulsion come between me and really great jobs, it's isolated me from family and relationships, and it has taken a toll on my body. I no longer have the stamina to exercise as much as I used to - my joints can no longer take it.

A few years back, I took part in a research study that testing a medication for BED... For the first 6 months I was in a control group (I didn't know that then). I took the placebo and felt no change in my behavior. But then for the next year I was given the study medication and something actually clicked... For the next year, my urge to binge was greatly reduced. I got my weight under control and felt so great! Sadly, the study had to end, and my old compulsions came right back. I wish I could remember the name of the drug they were testing... I just saw my regular doctor today and what she could do to help me medically with this... We have been testing out several antidepressants with no effect on my eating... although I am feeling less depressed about it, thank you very much.

I have been to OA, I have been to counseling... I have had periods of several weeks or months go by where I can get some control of my habits, but I always fall back into old ways. I am not so concerned about aesthetics anymore... Who cares what I weigh... I am worried about my health... what has this done to my cholesterol, glucose level, organs???

I feel I will relate to others my age who have been struggling with overeating for a long time. I really don't want to hear from folks that just want to "get skinny", or think that a binge is just an extra scoop of ice cream at dessert. You don't know the struggle until you have eaten the whole carton and are on your way out to the store for more -- even though your shirt is stained with melted ice cream and you have no money in your account because you spent it all on food.

Thanks for letting me share a little. I will stop now before I carry on for 3 weeks straight... Have a good day.

mweckler wrote: »

Welcome to the group and thank you for sharing. As far as medications go I take Vyvanse for my BED. I am not sure if there are other medications on the market for it yet or not.

A quick Google indicates that Vyvanse is about the only drug being specifically used for BED. You're probably aware it's main use is for ADHD, I think?

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Hi, my name is Alexis and I'm 42. I've had periods in my life where I binge a lot and then other times I'm fine. I used to eat an entire box of Entemanns chocolate donuts in college in one sitting. When I was younger it didn't seem to affect my weight too much. But now that I'm older, I keep losing and gaining the same 25lbs due to my out of control eating. I binge eat to deal with my emotions. About 6 was ago I started a Keto diet and lost 8 lbs in a month. Last Tuesday I couldn't deal anymore without carbs and went off Keto. Since then I've been binging every day. I've gained all 8lbs back in less than a week and my eating is more out of control than ever. I feel like I can't get enough food and just want to keep eating. I'm eating 3-4 bowls of cereal at a time. Several bowls of ice cream with toppings. I do pretty well at breakfast and lunch, but lose it completely around dinner. I'm sitting here having a hard time breathing because my stomach hurts so much from binging. I'm so uncomfortable and unhappy with myself right now.