Hello Crackers. I'm pleased to say that, after a very difficult couple of weeks on the food front (some of which is detailed in my last post) and 3 days in York, I have 'only' put on 1lb! Having said that my step counter gave 12000+ on Wed (despite the drive); 17,000 + on Thursday (3 museums and a chocolate tour) and 12000 + yesterday (Fountains Abbey). All in all, a good time was had by all, but lots of chocolate and sweets were eaten. Hilariously, my 13 year old companion had to turn off the tele and lights both nights in the hotel room as I conked out!

In other news, I came home to the sadness that my friends Mum (my goddaughters other grandmother) is close to death in a coma and slipping away - sadly in hospital. I spoke to my friend late last night at the hospital and I'm wondering if I should try and get over there today (shes in hospital in Cambridge) to say goodbye - even if she can't hear me. My friend was very upset (naturally) but I know she will struggle with any sign of affection. Its 40 years since she ran to my house to tell me that her father had been found dead after going fishing (we were both 16). I went to put my arms around her to comfort her and she went as stiff as a board. She is not a demonstrative person - I am. However, I don't quite know how to help. I have a commitment tomorrow and I will be back at work on Monday. I'm already feeling tired and another trip to Cambridge isn't going to help much but I feel I need to make the effort. I have to go into Sax in a little while to get my hair cut and will need to buy some bread too and I have (at some point) to find the time to make a promised chocolate cake.......

Well done MITM and LMV on your achievements. I still have quite a lot of chocolate left at the moment (not helped by my young companion giving me a box of Lindt and a bottle of red as a thank you!). BM I hope your trip has been a good one and that you are safe home. Bracken - I heard a man on the radio calling from the Okanagan Valley yesterday afternoon saying it was 20 degrees there - I do hope that things have warmed up a bit in Ontario too! Also that you have now found a new vehicle.

Must go now - speak soon.

PB xxx

PB - Glad to hear that you have a good trip to York and did very well with only a 1 pound gain but very sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I don't like being hugged or touched but a thoughtfully written card or note would 'touch' me and would be thoughtfully appreciated I'm sure by your friend.

Bracken - we too have snow forecasted for the end of this week - not impressed either!

Evening Crackers!

Well I'm blaming the cold I caught from my Mother for not being in the zone last week, combined with demanding family house guests and far too much cake - it didn't end well... However this week, is a new start and has been much better. I'm fully fit again and have cleaned the house from top to bottom which immediately makes me feel more positive and in control. I am a control freak of that I am sure!!

I have also ventured out into the garden. So much has grown in my absence although we are far behind compared to the UK. My daffodils are out in abundance and look glorious, I've lots of grape hyacinth and crocuses everywhere such a joy to see some colour and my many tulips are coming along but not yet in bloom. It's all very exciting! After my first short session I felt so unfit, I could feel every muscle like doing a Jillian! Fortunately the following morning no aches and pains. It has been very warm (although snow is forecasted this weekend) I like an unexpected burst of summer as it is a timely reminder of what still needs to be done, if I want to fit back into my summer wardrobe! I spent many hours in the garden again today, eager to get all the weeding done (if there really is to be snow) and I succeeded in clearing all my rockeries and flower beds so like my house, my garden is now in order. The vegetable plot is a different matter but that is my husband's responsibility and as it is fenced off, for me it's a case of out of sight, out of mind! Although the husband has nurtured along the 100 chive plants.

I've also been back at work this week after a 4 week break and that was hard work too! My arms ached from crushing the potatoes - this will not do. However I have a day off as tomorrow is my birthday, so I've baked myself my favourite heavenly, dark chocolate, birthday cake which gets made twice a year. It just needs to be decorated. I am going into town in the morning, to meet for coffee my ex pat friends with my daughter and then my husband is cooking in the evening. I have requested a simple pasta dish no fuss. It would be great if I could just stay the same this week but that could be a rather big ask!

Be good Crackers!

That one looks pretty fab to me. I make chocolate cake a lot but I can't decorate. Just discovered I won 5X£25 on the premium bonds this month. Nice!

HA! LMV how do I make my photos smaller for next time?!!!

Good Evening Crackers!

LMV - that is indeed the book, I find it very useful for not everyday baking obviously! The nut and chocolate slice I always make at Christmas, is also in this book.
Ooh just the word chocolate is turning my stomach at the moment!! The cake is now all gone and I was very sensible and the many boxes of chocolates I was
given (why?!) I've put away, as they will fortunately keep so I don't think I've done any major lasting damage.

Those birthday packages well I was thrilled to receive from the daughter a new pedometer so no excuses now. And there were 2 books; Nora Ephron 'The Last Interview & Other
Conversations' and 'For the Love of Letters - the Joy of Slow Communication' because I am a paper geek! I have a lovely bureau in 'my' sitting room full of writing paper!
And in the little box, from the husband a set of 4 stacking rings (which I've had my eye on for years!) the largest gemstone is a labradorite and is grey so very, very me!
Good luck with planting your loganberry and gooseberry plants - I did note my gooseberry bushes are showing some signs of life.

Bracken - I'm looking forward to hearing what is going on in your garden. We thank goodness have not had snow this weekend but instead it has rained and rained and rained.
However since we've had no rain all winter long and only one spell of serious snow, we needed it and it's lovely to see the hillsides beginning to turn green.

PB - Have you still got your gardener and how is your garden looking?

Well I have to say all this talk of the garden, it feels very strange now having BM mentioning how she misses the seasons and loves hearing what is going on. It feels like she has
vanished into thin air which is so unlike her and I do also hope all is well with her and her daughter.

Be good Crackers!

My second post of the day- this one I am going to write about a medical issue so feel free to skip it if it seems a bit too serious but I thought writing about it may help get me back on track as I've been rather down for almost four weeks although I have tried to put on my game face, as its called, when necessary. I'm afraid this is a somewhat detailed account. It began over a year ago when I had some small blemishes on my face which I pointed out to my Doc who referred me to a dermatologist. For the point of my story I need to say that this dermatologist, a certified medical doctor, works out of a clinic where she also does cosmetic procedures like botox and dermabrasion treatments. A year ago she treated these blemishes which turned out to be basal cell carcinomas, the most common type of skin cancer and as she said, the one you would choose to get if you had to because it typically does not migrate to other sites and is highly treatable; she removed them surgically and stitched the site. This winter I noticed three more blemishes, small, and drew them to my doctor's attention. The first frustration was that it took a long time to get an appointment- originally it was to be the end of June but with some pressure from my Doc's Office I got the earlier appointment; part of the frustration was that I could have got a cosmetic appointment much quicker. When I went for the appointment, the treatment was different than before; the dermatologist gave me needles on the three sites- I believe she said it was nitrogen (or perhaps a nitrogen compound). Then a nurse did the cutting which she called cauterizing. After the treatment, another person came in and talked to me about skin care and was basically promoting a serum for under the skin, a sun block (SPF50) and if you bought that you got a 'free' night cream. I'll say all the product was in very small bottles and expensive ($238- about 115 pounds). I felt some pressure to buy it as it was recommended by the dermatologist so I did. It is not my main issue at the moment but I didn't really like the selling of product with a medical treatment and when I looked at the ingredient list of the sunscreen at home it seems to be based on two common ingredients in other sunscreens I have bought in regular stores. About a week after this I saw my family Doc and of course, the she asked me about the dermatologist and I began talking abut the product and she mentioned conflict of interest. (I was also there on another matter so time was also an issue; my Doc is good but busy and one often feels a bit pressured to get on with it) After this, my Doc pulled out the lab report on the tissues the dermatologist sent to be biopsied. She put them down so we could both read them; it became clear she had not read them yet either. What I read immediately upset me because the tissues where not identified as basal cell carcinomas but squamous cell carcinomas. The lab report indicated that the extent of one of the lesions was hard to determine because of its location near my eye. Although I did not know a lot about it, I knew that was more serious and said something to the effect that 'that's not good.' Squamous cell carcinomas can often be treated well but they can sometimes migrate to other organs (not good). My Doc was clearly taken a back and only said, "You'll need more treatment." We were over time and I was ushered out. By chance, my Doc was leaving the next day for holidays (well-deserved; she really does work long hours, does evenings twice a week and is getting to retirement age)Since then I have had a lot of trouble sleeping and really seem to be worrying about this (I do see her again on Tues); this of course, has affected my whole diet and exercise program; I seem to have a lot of trouble coping if I don't get enough sleep; its just like a domino effect- tired, difficulty exercising, poor eating. I briefly saw the dermatologist to check the healing of lesions. She doesn't seem very concerned because the lesions are probably localized. Then she asked me if I had supplementary insurance because she could do a procedure that involves a lotion over the face and the use of high intensity light which she said treats damaged skin (one of the blemishes is considered precancerous) and would included my whole face and is not invasive in terms of leaving scar tissue. While I am not keen to have scar tissue, my main concern is dealing thoroughly with the rogue cells. I wish the dermatologist was simply involved in a medical practice rather than a cosmetic one as well though that is very common here. When she asked about the insurance first, it makes me wonder how much of a medical indication is involved. If it is a recommended medical procedure, it should not matter whether insurance covers it or not- the recommendation should be based on its medical criteria. So there you have it; I am both worried over that lab report and worried that I am worrying too much. Because I have very fair skin, I have always been aware of keeping out of the sun and using good sunscreens. I have never been a sun worshipper!

Good Morning ladies. I apologise for not being around lately. I had a few incidents happen in the UK that unfortunately triggered a bout of clinical depression. I have been so well mentally for a long time that this has knocked me sideways. I did get up and get dressed last Friday and after being awake for quite a lot of the weekend am feeling today that the black cloud above my head is greying so I am certain this bout was not as bad as it could have been and thankfully I have had no fits this time. (For some reason my depression has always triggered epileptic fits). I still find it so difficult to talk/write about and the feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment never go away. When I am well I can appreciate these are inappropriate feelings but during and immediately after a bout these feelings are plentiful! Maybe I should do as my Mother always says and "pull myself together". (Probably the worse thing you can say to an unwell person!). A very good reason why I avoid her completely when I am unwell!

My Daughter Bless her is still going through so much whilst carrying this baby. She is now hardly able to walk with her pelvis so out of alignment and has not been able to get up the stairs for a few weeks to sleep. So she sleeps on a huge chair they have in the lounge, propped up with dozens of pillows! She also has a great team of consultants/midwives looking after her almost daily. However she is still smiling through it all and just happy to be pregnant. She was given a less than 1% chance of ever conceiving, so each baby is a joy and miracle to her. She has been speaking to OH very day and I have finally skyped her over the weekend. It's a bit funny really, she hasn't wanted to show me how much pain and discomfort she is in and I haven't wanted her to see me when I am like this. So we have been passing messages through OH!

Speaking of which he is due home soon, he has been so good with me, and has been popping home to see me (making sure I am at least drinking!) and taking Harry for a walk) a few times a day. So I am going to have a really quick shower and put a dress on to surprise him. I am sure he will be happy to see I am feeling more positive.

I have been dreading writing this email, I have been feeling such a failure. However I am finding it to be cathartic. I also have so much faith in our friendship it feels good to be finally able to put in words how I am feeling, with no judgment, just support, at the end of it. I am so happy to be a cracker!

I apologise for not reading back over the posts on here yet. I hope to catch up on them soon xx

Oh Bailey my heart goes out to you but even so it's good to see the transformation taking place in the course of your post. I can relate to all those horrible feelings you describe. Pulling yourself together is not helpful advice when you are in the depths like that though. Don't apologise to the Crackers! You have nothing to apologise for. When I look at some of my posts I'm a bit embarrassed but you have always been supportive and non judgemental. That is a courtesy we extend to each other without exception ( and one of the reasons I am still here). It seems to me that you have just come back from a long trip seeing your heavily pregnant daughter who is having a difficult time and you are now thousands of miles away - no wonder you have hit the buffers. Be kind to yourself you deserve it. Love PB xxxx

P.S. And yes - I was eating the chocolates I was given!

Hello Crackers. This seems like a time of considerable distress for team Cracker. If there is any good in all this, it is that everyone is able to support others in their struggles and to feel strengthened by the concern of our fellow Crackers. At the moment, I am feeling quite stunned as I have just been on the phone to my friend with whom I ride. I have mentioned her before as someone also my age. We have become good stable mates and besides horses share a common interest in literature and writing; she belongs to a poetry writing group while I also belong to a writing group. We have not seen much of each other for the past few weeks because of not riding because of weather, my vehicle problem and both of us have had some medical issues. I am stunned because I phoned her tonight and she told me she has been given a diagnosis for her recent difficulties with speech; she has ALS (the same disease that Stephen Hawking has). We spoke for quite awhile though I hardly know what I said I was so shocked. Here I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling with an episode of depression, BM. I am very familiar with the trials of clinical depression as my mother suffered from it and had some very bad episodes in the course of her life. I know I have not had severe depression like my mother but have wondered if I have from time to time some mild depression. I think feeling guilty is a symptom of depression caused by the illness but I hope you can see you really have no need to feel guilty. I hope you can take the best care of yourself possible and please remember how valued you are as part of this group. I am glad to know that you have a kind and supportive husband who clearly values you. It may not be surprising that you have had this recent episode when considering the stress of making that trip to England from so far and the stress of your daughter's pregnancy. I think giving Harry some hugs could help too. PB, your on-going struggles at work are surely taxing on you too but I am glad that you have been able to continue with your singing which seems to be such a joy to you. I did have to smile at your description of the setting of your solo- for some reason it reminded me of the opening scene of an episode of Midsomer Murders! I suppose because they often set the stories around a typical British activity. I could imagine a murderous flagpole or something come crashing upon you were you in Midsomer. LMV, I remember thinking how impressed I was that after so many years you went skiing and found you could have a good, and safe time, doing it but neglected to mention it in one of my recent hasty posts. Now I must comment of the irony of your unfortunate trip on pavement. I'm sure it was painful as it seems similar to a fall I had a year ago on some uneven paving outside my garage. Your injuries do not surprise me at all but I hope you are starting to feel better now. MITM, I'm glad you are able to avoid much distress at the moment. I was going to write about my recent visit to my Doc; it was on Friday not Tuesday as I originally stated. It is now getting late however and I must let Nellie out so will update you soon. Suffice to say the wheels grind slowly.
I'll end on a more positive note. Today was almost summer-like- very warm and sunny. I did a huge amount of yard work, much raking and picking up of twigs and fallen branches. When it was at its hottest, I took a break and went out and bought some lovely pansies which have just arrived at the garden centres. One hanging basket is now on the hanger outside the dining table window so I can readily see it. I also bought two small pots that had the biggest blooms ever. Pansies are so cheerful. While I was working, especially earlier in the day, there was continual birdsong. Spring really is my favourite season.

Good Evening Crackers!

Did you know it is depression awareness week?

There is an interesting article in the Guardian by Tim Lott; 'darker than grief, an implosion of the self, a sheet of ice, no matter how you describe it this is a terrifying state to be trapped in.... in a serious state of depression you become
a sort of half-living ghost.'

'Repeated studies have shown that mild to moderate depressives have a more realistic take on life than most 'normal' people, a phenomenon known as 'depressive realism'. As Neel Burton author of The Meaning of Madness put it, this
is 'the healthy suspicion, that modern life has no meaning and that modern society is absurd and alienating.' In a goal-driven, work-oriented culture this is deeply threatening.'

That so sums up how I feel whenever I'm in the 'real' world and explains why I can't wait to get back up my mountain where time has stood still...

BM - I do hope your cloud is lifting.

Be good Crackers!