Deem114 wrote: »

Long time lurker, but I believe first time poster...(it's been so long I don't even remember?). I won't say I'm new to either MFP or dieting but you have to start somewhere and I'll consider this my new start. I'm combining MFP and Fitbit to keep me on track and today is day 58 of this 58 day streak from my new start. I apologize in advance for such a long post, but I guess sometimes you just need to come clean, know what I mean?

For once there's no single event or goal in mind on this weight loss journey of mine. No wedding, no reunion, no vacation or carrot on a stick. No humiliating event (other than the day in and day out of stares from seeing someone my size out in everyday life) or drastic medical condition either caused by my weight or looming in sight (thankfully!). I'm just tired of being tired.

I'm 42 years old and my weight keeps me locked in fear from even trying to do things that "normal" sized people take for granted. Any public event leaves me scouring the internet, searching to find if people have posted pictures; hoping to see if the seats there look "sturdy" enough, if they are armless, will I be able to fit here or there. I can't just "call a cab"....I have to make sure it's not a compact vehicle that shows up at my doorstep. I can go on and on, but just wanted to give an example of why it's time for me to just get up and do this for me.

Sooo, the stats. My highest weight that I know of I will just say is 441 or thereabouts. I say this because my scale went to 440 and at my highest point I would just get "ERR". So, ya...out loud, there it is. I had looked into weight loss surgery numerous times and my insurance plan does not cover it and never has...at one point a doctor told me I should just quit my job and find another job that does cover it as if ditching a 10+ year career in my field is something so easily done.

Sorry for such a rambling post but I figured I'd at least get all this out there. I'm trying all sorts of different things and seeing what works for me. I've tried Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, random fads, etc. Now, I'm just trying to put everything I've learned over all these years to use and go with what feels right along with following the macronutrients from MFP to make sure I'm not stupid about it.

Things I already know:

• I do NOT do well with "cheat days" or "cheat meals".
• I do NOT do well with "snack" bars or "dessert" bars (diet-type, nutrisystem, atkins, etc.)
• One chip leads to a bag of chips, it's either all or nothing, therefore nothing (same with cookies, etc.)

I know all these things that make me go off the rails after so many years of going off the rails, that all I'm trying to do is keep pushing forward with what I know is working for me that makes me feel good both physically and mentally.

My last weight logged was 360 from this past week and I'm still going steady, food-wise. I just really need the motivation for the walking. Again, a lot of the stress about walking is actually more of an agoraphobia of "fat woman walking" rather than the walking itself. I did just order a "walking" exercise DVD that I'm going to try so that I have other options than just going around the block/neighborhood. If you made it through this entire post, I applaud you I want to wish all of you the best of success and I will try to start posting now instead of lurking.