Daddy issues with a Reeses Blizzard on top. Heavy on the Reeses, please!
laylaf1712
Posts: 3 Member
Oh man, where do I start???
I had lost 65 lbs. (from 210 down to 145) over a year ago. I was 5 lbs. away from my goal weight. Although I felt better than I had in years, I was still in the mental state of "I am fat". I had changed my lifestyle and even started to run. (I used to hate it) Then life happened.
On May 5th 2015, my Father was diagnosed with stage 4 brain, lung and kidney cancer. We have NO idea where it started or when the cancer developed. He was given a year to live, at the max. The doctors told us he would be lucky to make it to Christmas. He made it to February 10th 2016.
Although he passed, we were able to share some of the best memories. Held a benefit for him in October, had my sons second birthday, I got married in November where we shared our first and only Father/daughter dance, we got to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and even one more wedding anniversary (35 years) for him and my Mother. And then he was gone.
While I have lost MANY people in my life, no death has been as hard as my Fathers. Although we had time to prepare, we as humans are not really able to do such a thing with the person still in our lives.
The last three weeks he was alive, I gained 20 lbs. I would only eat blizzards during the day and most of the time at night as well. Since he has passed, I have put on an additional 30 lbs. I am almost back to where I started over a year and half ago.
I'm still not sure if it's fear or self destruction or both keeping me from losing the weight and being the healthier me I soooooo want to be. I even bought a gym membership 3 weeks ago, but have not been once. I know all the tools and the healthy eating habits, keep moving; all of those tools. But it is just SO DANG HARD to make myself to do it.
Am I just lazy? Am I scared? Am I just not ready? What will be my rock bottom? What will make me want to change my life for me and my family?
I'm not really sure if this is the type of post to be on here, but it is for sure something I had to get out and just maybe someone out there can identify with my state of mind.
Wisdom is always welcome.
I had lost 65 lbs. (from 210 down to 145) over a year ago. I was 5 lbs. away from my goal weight. Although I felt better than I had in years, I was still in the mental state of "I am fat". I had changed my lifestyle and even started to run. (I used to hate it) Then life happened.
On May 5th 2015, my Father was diagnosed with stage 4 brain, lung and kidney cancer. We have NO idea where it started or when the cancer developed. He was given a year to live, at the max. The doctors told us he would be lucky to make it to Christmas. He made it to February 10th 2016.
Although he passed, we were able to share some of the best memories. Held a benefit for him in October, had my sons second birthday, I got married in November where we shared our first and only Father/daughter dance, we got to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and even one more wedding anniversary (35 years) for him and my Mother. And then he was gone.
While I have lost MANY people in my life, no death has been as hard as my Fathers. Although we had time to prepare, we as humans are not really able to do such a thing with the person still in our lives.
The last three weeks he was alive, I gained 20 lbs. I would only eat blizzards during the day and most of the time at night as well. Since he has passed, I have put on an additional 30 lbs. I am almost back to where I started over a year and half ago.
I'm still not sure if it's fear or self destruction or both keeping me from losing the weight and being the healthier me I soooooo want to be. I even bought a gym membership 3 weeks ago, but have not been once. I know all the tools and the healthy eating habits, keep moving; all of those tools. But it is just SO DANG HARD to make myself to do it.
Am I just lazy? Am I scared? Am I just not ready? What will be my rock bottom? What will make me want to change my life for me and my family?
I'm not really sure if this is the type of post to be on here, but it is for sure something I had to get out and just maybe someone out there can identify with my state of mind.
Wisdom is always welcome.
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Replies
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To me, it sounds like your suffering from depression, by no means am I a doctor, just having experienced simular feelings.
I'm sorry that I have no sage wisdom for you.1 -
First of all I am so sorry you lost your father. What a terrible thing to go through. When you are with someone going through something like that the last thing on your mind is your own well being. Plus the stress of losing a loved one, it is totally understandable why you gained weight. Its probably been a very sad, stressful, and depressing time in your life, so don't beat yourself up about the weight you have gained. You know what you need to do to lose it because you have done it before! I tend to self sabotage and its a struggle every day to remember my motivation and stay on the right path. I have found that its your mindset you have to change. Losing a parent is probably one of the most tramatic things a child can go through, so be kind to yourself. And when you are ready pick yourself up by the boot straps and get going!! Your dad would definitely want you to be happy and healthy and enjoying life not fretting over losing weight!! Carpe Diem!1
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First of all I am so sorry you lost your father. What a terrible thing to go through. When you are with someone going through something like that the last thing on your mind is your own well being. Plus the stress of losing a loved one, it is totally understandable why you gained weight. Its probably been a very sad, stressful, and depressing time in your life, so don't beat yourself up about the weight you have gained. You know what you need to do to lose it because you have done it before! I tend to self sabotage and its a struggle every day to remember my motivation and stay on the right path. I have found that its your mindset you have to change. Losing a parent is probably one of the most tramatic things a child can go through, so be kind to yourself. And when you are ready pick yourself up by the boot straps and get going!! Your dad would definitely want you to be happy and healthy and enjoying life not fretting over losing weight!! Carpe Diem!
Wow. Such strong and words! Thank you much for dipping in a little on your struggle. As always, it helps to see I'm not the only one having a hard time and there IS a light at the end of this viibryd tunnel.
It has been traumatic seeing the decline, and I forget what really just happened not too long ago. It's amazing what things get tucked away for rainy days.
Thank you again. I think I just needed to get that off my chest and into the gym. I've been the past two days doing cardio and plan on going back tonight. Here's to my new lifestyle!0
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